Kindertrauma Funhouse
Author: unkle lancifer
Sorority Row
SORORITY ROW has been jerking me back and forth for over a year now and not in a good way. When I found out there was to be a remake of THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW I was duly excited, it's a slasher film with a unique, worthy plot and a psycho killer with bucket loads of untapped potential. When I learned it was to be one of those "in name only" dealies with little in common with its source material, out went the wind from my sails. Next up I learned that the director was to be WHISPER's STEWART HENDLER and I allowed myself the luxury of hope once again. That hope was quickly squashed by the news that an escapee from THE HILLS was to be in the cast. And so it went back and forth and back again, the trailer looked cool, the poster looked lame, the pimped out tire iron was awesome, the hooded killer uninspired. C'mon SORORITY ROW make up your mind are you gonna suck or what? There was only one way to find out what SORORITY's intentions were. I was gonna have to shell out some cash and sit my ass down in the theater.
As it so happens the whole flirting with greatness only to lazily fall back on the humdrum routine seems to be SORORITY ROW's basic nature (Don't cha just hate a tease?) For every clever slice of dialogue or innovative set piece, there is a matching missed opportunity or unnecessary misstep. As the film started I realized that if it was going to be a rehash of I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER that I was in for a long 90 minutes but then by golly, SORORITY slowly but surely gained my trust and respect. I was in hog heaven there for a while before it decided to crap out unnecessarily at the end by identifying the killer as the most boring person in the cast with a motivation so flimsy that even KEVIN WILLIAMSON would wince.
It's sad really, SORORITY has a great look, some reasonable shocks and a mostly likable cast that I could tell apart from each other (it even has the classy decency to throw in a cameo from the cane weapon utilized in the original film), but even though I've withstood far more outlandish killer identity reveals (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME) for some reason this one seemed just too typical and even beneath the film I had come to enjoy. Yes SORORITY, you won me over in spite of myself only to trample on my heart for no good reason. Please tell me that you are hiding an alternative ending on your DVD!
Oh, S.R. how can I stay mad at you just because you goofed up in the final lap? You've got good ol' CARRIE FISHER roaming about for Christ sakes. How can anybody not appreciate Hollywood royalty that has made the amazing life journey of going from every straight boy's fantasy woman to a bloated cranky mentally unstable curmudgeon i.e. every gay boys fantasy woman. Sorry dudes she's ours now, if it makes you feel any better we have to live with the painful reality that BRUCE WILLIS only had female children to bequeath his lantern jaw to…
Aw, RUMER! I know I'm not supposed to like you but I do! I think you did a great job in this movie considering you had to cry and run around like a headless chicken throughout. Strangely it seems BRIANA EVIGAN the film's lead is the true inheritor of your mother's raspy voice though. I like this BRIANA kid too, I thought she was a stand out in the otherwise forgettable S.DARKO, plus I'm now all kinds of Jimmy Tickles jazzed that she's going to be in the new MOTHER'S DAY jaunt. Speaking of Hollywood royalty, check out that last name again, BRIANA is B.J. AND THE BEAR's loin fruit!
O.K. SORORITY, I'm gonna give you a passing grade with reservations, you had a groovy bubble death scene, a rockin' frat party with good tunes and you crammed a bottle down a victim's throat. To ask any more of you is just gluttony on my part. Just next time, please don't underestimate the power of a creepy harlequin costume O.K.?
Traumafessions :: Cowboy Killer Director Jason Baustin on Independence Day Alien
O.K., I have to admit I wasn't always a horror fan. And only recently have I warmed up to it. And usually I lean toward the horror comedies like CABIN FEVER, 2001 MANIACS, and EVIL DEAD. But some movies I remember that creeped me out were LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, JAWS and WITCHES. And as a kid, I remember being really disturbed by these films.
A movie that actually really scared me when I was younger, sorry it's not a horror film, was that one scene in INDEPENDENCE DAY when the alien kills the scientists in the lab. Even today it makes me a little uneasy. I mean that scene is brilliantly executed. The disgusting alien, the tentacles, and making the scientist talk was really scary! And I love how they play on what you don't see. The alien massacres the whole lab, but because of the smoke and everything, you can't tell what's happening until it's all over.
And the best part?!?!
"What is it that you want us to do?"
"DIE!"
UNK SEZ: Thanks Jason, for letting us know what scared you! Kids, Jason is the Director of a film called COWBOY KILLER you can learn more about his film at its official website HERE or check out the trailer and synopsis below…
Deranged cowboy drifter Roy Thompson arrives in a small town and immediately begins savagely murdering the locals. The carnage runs at full throttle as the town's citizens try to figure out how to defend themselves against the folksy killer.
Kindertrauma Funhouse :: North 40 Contest!
Hey look, the comments section is currently closed which means we have yet another nifty contest on our hands! This time YOU, yes you, the person reading this can find themselves the proud owner of the first three issue of DC comic's new horror series NORTH 40. I have not read these babies myself but I can tell you that the artwork is exceptional (For a proper review look no further than THE VAULT OF HORROR, our buddy B-SOL has nothing but glowing words HERE). So get to work! Tell me what ten movies the below images are from and send your answers to kindertrauma@gmail.com; this week's winner may live in your mirror!
NOTE: If by some chance you don't know any of the answers to today's Funhouse then of course you should be punished severely! Treat yourself to the living hell you deserve by watching this suicidal duck contemplate his lonely, almost certainly pointless existence…
(That slice of torture comes courtesy of EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!)
Kinder-News :: Me Heart Batman: Arkham Asylum
I'd love to write up a post telling you all about whatever horror flick I've watched recently, but I can't. The fact of the matter is that I have been trapped playing BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM for several days and there is no force on Earth strong enough to make me stop. My toenails have grown three inches, my beard has turned gray and Poor Aunt John is on permanent call with sippy-cup and bedpan duties. Yep, it's that addictive and the most satisfying time I've had with a video game since my mad affair with RESIDENT EVIL 4 way back when.
I know most of the world is infatuated with CHRISTOPHER NOLAN's last two BATMAN movies and I guess I don't blame the devotion considering he was able to inject some respectability back into the franchise after JOEL SCHUMACHER went all MYRA BRECKINRIDGE with it. Thing is, I've secretly been discontent with both films dry, mechanical stance and feel that the pendulum swing against BATMAN's more freaky side is a bit too drastic.
Sure the bad guys are top notch in each picture, but BATMAN himself is kind of a drip and can anybody really with a straight face tell me that CHRISTIAN BALE's BATMAN voice is not the most ridiculously mock worthy thing ever heard? To me that hokey butch delivery is just as silly as any Bat Suit nipple. It reminds me of the phony, "What me gay?" inflection I used to adopt in my young adult life whenever I went to a sports bar or had to leave an outgoing message on my answering machine.
I'm not saying both NOLON movies aren't good, just chronically overrated and I severely miss the kooky goth-gone-gonzo vibe of TIM BURTON's first two flicks. NOLAN may have that rusty industrial thing going on, but I like my BATMAN with a bit more of a gnarly carnival atmosphere and a dose of CHARLES ADAMS chic. The game BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM finds the perfect balance between introspective maturity and the wildly eccentric and fantastical, plus it's just plain kick ass in a very literal way. Why can't they make a movie like this?
All the voice talent involved is primo; MARK HAMILL as the joker, KEVIN CONROY as Batman and ARLEEN SORKIN as Harley Quinn. My favorite nutcase here though just might be the Scarecrow who subjects Batman to a surreal nightmare landscape that could leave Freddy Kreuger taking notes. Really, the psychological territory you tread in this game (Including Bruce Wayne's kindertraumatic past.) is competitive with any movie or graphic novel and it's a full, gratifying experience across the board.
Beyond that ass kicking aspect I mentioned, there is also a refreshing emphasis on stealth activity and detective work and happily it's not all cops and robbers fighting over who's got the loot. I'll get back to those horror movies soon, but for now this game is almost like stepping into a movie myself, which I can't resist. As far as hanging out with Batman goes this is the best time I've had with the guy in a long time. BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM is also a fine reminder that a little tempered flamboyance suits the caped crusader just fine and that the more the line blurs between himself and his bizarro enemies the more engaging he becomes.
Traumafessions :: Reader Bernd M. on Alf ep. "La Cucaracha"
Greetings!
ALF. An innocent comedy show from the ‘80s?
No!
The 25th episode of the first season "La Cucaracha" was frightening beyond imagination.
The story: Alf finds slimeballs in his spaceship and in the package was a cockroach
from Melmac. Its reaction to our insecticides is not death, it starts growing. The Tanner family leaves the house to get more potent insecticides and Alf is alone and defenseless
with the giant cockroach.
The cockroach chases the scared Alf through the house, and the end fight in the bathroom is the soul shattering climax. No escape, no mercy.
You never see the giant cockroach completely, only its giant antennae and legs.
The Cockroach is unstoppable; and Alf is totally terrified.
Very disturbing for a harmless comedy show.
I never forget this episode. It scarred my life forever.
UNK SEZ: Speaking of ALF abuse, what is not to love about the painting below ("We Can Has A.L.F.?") by artist CASEY WELDON?
Basket Case 2
The next time somebody derides the existence of sequels I'm going to bring up BASKET CASE 2 as an example of their worth. The original BASKET CASE really didn't need any expansion, it's a solid standing entity and part of its tragic appeal is owed to the fact that both of its main characters kick the bucket (or basket) at the end…but what if they didn't? With a more reasonable budget, a now more confident director and all that pesky "getting to know you" stuff out of the way, wouldn't it be nice to see what the Bradley boys are up to these days?
Even though BASKET CASE 2 was filmed nearly a decade after its predecessor, director HENENLOTTER miraculously pulls off the near impossible feat of staging his continuation at the precise moment the first movie left off. Cleverly he turns the tables on the Bradleys by allowing "normal" brother Duane to feel the pangs of not fitting in and introducing misfit mutant brother Belial into a world of acceptance and finally romantic love. Throughout the course of the film we are introduced to a gallery of new monsters each more fantastic than the last; all are hideous upon introduction and all are lovable as muppets by movie's end.
BASKET CASE 2 rather than hovering, whisks its characters into an entirely new situation and rather than retracing its steps, expands upon the original film and its themes. Some of its charming grittiness may be gone, but in its place are a breezy nonchalance and a comfortable ownership of its own ridiculousness. If you're looking for scares you're better off looking in Aunt John's sock drawer, the fun here is identifying with the monsters and enjoying a cathartic thrill as they put their oppressors in their place. As with the original film, HENENLOTTER's admiration of oddballs is both apparent and contagious.
Speaking of oddballs, the real break out star of BASKET CASE 2 has got to be ANNIE ROSS who plays Granny Ruth (you may also remember ANNIE from her Trauma nominated turn in SUPERMAN 3). Surrounded by monstrosities and grotesque special effects she still maintains the title of most fascinating creature in the room. A mother messiah devoted to nurturing a brood of outcasts, granny Ruth's ferocious battle cry when her cubs are threatened may be the highlight of the film.
As cutting edge as BC2's monster designs were in 1990, the real strength of the film relies on a tradition that goes back to the classic monsters of Universal. As in the first film, great effort is made to look beyond appearances and into the hearts of those deemed abnormal. It is a gallant gesture found surprisingly often in a genre many perceive as crass and insensitive, and ironically, an occurrence in the real world that is freakishly rare.
