kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Kindertrauma Funhouse :: North 40 Contest!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey look, the comments section is currently closed which means we have yet another nifty contest on our hands! This time YOU, yes you, the person reading this can find themselves the proud owner of the first three issue of DC comic's new horror series NORTH 40. I have not read these babies myself but I can tell you that the artwork is exceptional (For a proper review look no further than THE VAULT OF HORROR, our buddy B-SOL has nothing but glowing words HERE). So get to work! Tell me what ten movies the below images are from and send your answers to kindertrauma@gmail.com; this week's winner may live in your mirror!

NOTE: If by some chance you don't know any of the answers to today's Funhouse then of course you should be punished severely! Treat yourself to the living hell you deserve by watching this suicidal duck contemplate his lonely, almost certainly pointless existence…

(That slice of torture comes courtesy of EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!)


Kinder-News :: Me Heart Batman: Arkham Asylum

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I'd love to write up a post telling you all about whatever horror flick I've watched recently, but I can't. The fact of the matter is that I have been trapped playing BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM for several days and there is no force on Earth strong enough to make me stop. My toenails have grown three inches, my beard has turned gray and Poor Aunt John is on permanent call with sippy-cup and bedpan duties. Yep, it's that addictive and the most satisfying time I've had with a video game since my mad affair with RESIDENT EVIL 4 way back when.

I know most of the world is infatuated with CHRISTOPHER NOLAN's last two BATMAN movies and I guess I don't blame the devotion considering he was able to inject some respectability back into the franchise after JOEL SCHUMACHER went all MYRA BRECKINRIDGE with it. Thing is, I've secretly been discontent with both films dry, mechanical stance and feel that the pendulum swing against BATMAN's more freaky side is a bit too drastic.

Sure the bad guys are top notch in each picture, but BATMAN himself is kind of a drip and can anybody really with a straight face tell me that CHRISTIAN BALE's BATMAN voice is not the most ridiculously mock worthy thing ever heard? To me that hokey butch delivery is just as silly as any Bat Suit nipple. It reminds me of the phony, "What me gay?" inflection I used to adopt in my young adult life whenever I went to a sports bar or had to leave an outgoing message on my answering machine.

I'm not saying both NOLON movies aren't good, just chronically overrated and I severely miss the kooky goth-gone-gonzo vibe of TIM BURTON's first two flicks. NOLAN may have that rusty industrial thing going on, but I like my BATMAN with a bit more of a gnarly carnival atmosphere and a dose of CHARLES ADAMS chic. The game BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM finds the perfect balance between introspective maturity and the wildly eccentric and fantastical, plus it's just plain kick ass in a very literal way. Why can't they make a movie like this?

All the voice talent involved is primo; MARK HAMILL as the joker, KEVIN CONROY as Batman and ARLEEN SORKIN as Harley Quinn. My favorite nutcase here though just might be the Scarecrow who subjects Batman to a surreal nightmare landscape that could leave Freddy Kreuger taking notes. Really, the psychological territory you tread in this game (Including Bruce Wayne's kindertraumatic past.) is competitive with any movie or graphic novel and it's a full, gratifying experience across the board.

Beyond that ass kicking aspect I mentioned, there is also a refreshing emphasis on stealth activity and detective work and happily it's not all cops and robbers fighting over who's got the loot. I'll get back to those horror movies soon, but for now this game is almost like stepping into a movie myself, which I can't resist. As far as hanging out with Batman goes this is the best time I've had with the guy in a long time. BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM is also a fine reminder that a little tempered flamboyance suits the caped crusader just fine and that the more the line blurs between himself and his bizarro enemies the more engaging he becomes.

Traumafessions :: Reader Bernd M. on Alf ep. "La Cucaracha"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Greetings!

ALF. An innocent comedy show from the ‘80s?

No!

The 25th episode of the first season "La Cucaracha" was frightening beyond imagination.

The story: Alf finds slimeballs in his spaceship and in the package was a cockroach
from Melmac. Its reaction to our insecticides is not death, it starts growing. The Tanner family leaves the house to get more potent insecticides and Alf is alone and defenseless
with the giant cockroach.

The cockroach chases the scared Alf through the house, and the end fight in the bathroom is the soul shattering climax. No escape, no mercy.

You never see the giant cockroach completely, only its giant antennae and legs.

The Cockroach is unstoppable; and Alf is totally terrified.

Very disturbing for a harmless comedy show.

I never forget this episode. It scarred my life forever.

UNK SEZ: Speaking of ALF abuse, what is not to love about the painting below ("We Can Has A.L.F.?") by artist CASEY WELDON?

Basket Case 2

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The next time somebody derides the existence of sequels I'm going to bring up BASKET CASE 2 as an example of their worth. The original BASKET CASE really didn't need any expansion, it's a solid standing entity and part of its tragic appeal is owed to the fact that both of its main characters kick the bucket (or basket) at the end…but what if they didn't? With a more reasonable budget, a now more confident director and all that pesky "getting to know you" stuff out of the way, wouldn't it be nice to see what the Bradley boys are up to these days?

Even though BASKET CASE 2 was filmed nearly a decade after its predecessor, director HENENLOTTER miraculously pulls off the near impossible feat of staging his continuation at the precise moment the first movie left off. Cleverly he turns the tables on the Bradleys by allowing "normal" brother Duane to feel the pangs of not fitting in and introducing misfit mutant brother Belial into a world of acceptance and finally romantic love. Throughout the course of the film we are introduced to a gallery of new monsters each more fantastic than the last; all are hideous upon introduction and all are lovable as muppets by movie's end.

BASKET CASE 2 rather than hovering, whisks its characters into an entirely new situation and rather than retracing its steps, expands upon the original film and its themes. Some of its charming grittiness may be gone, but in its place are a breezy nonchalance and a comfortable ownership of its own ridiculousness. If you're looking for scares you're better off looking in Aunt John's sock drawer, the fun here is identifying with the monsters and enjoying a cathartic thrill as they put their oppressors in their place. As with the original film, HENENLOTTER's admiration of oddballs is both apparent and contagious.

Speaking of oddballs, the real break out star of BASKET CASE 2 has got to be ANNIE ROSS who plays Granny Ruth (you may also remember ANNIE from her Trauma nominated turn in SUPERMAN 3). Surrounded by monstrosities and grotesque special effects she still maintains the title of most fascinating creature in the room. A mother messiah devoted to nurturing a brood of outcasts, granny Ruth's ferocious battle cry when her cubs are threatened may be the highlight of the film.

As cutting edge as BC2's monster designs were in 1990, the real strength of the film relies on a tradition that goes back to the classic monsters of Universal. As in the first film, great effort is made to look beyond appearances and into the hearts of those deemed abnormal. It is a gallant gesture found surprisingly often in a genre many perceive as crass and insensitive, and ironically, an occurrence in the real world that is freakishly rare.

Kindertrauma Funhouse :: Hammer Glamour Contest!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey look! Our comments section is currently closed, and that can mean only one thing; it's contest and PRIZE time! Today's incredible prize is a hot new book called HAMMER GLAMOUR a hardcover tome filled with high gloss photos and fascinating information concerning the lovely ladies of Britain's HAMMER FILMS. I was sent this glorious book for review and my review goes something like this, "Finally a book that will please both the literate and the illiterate in equal measures. If you can't afford to purchase HAMMER GLAMOUR then you my friend, have a crappy job!" Seriously kids, I want to keep this book all to myself; I want to hug it like Daffy Duck and yell, "Mine mine, mine!"

Unfortunately for myself, I promised I'd hand this baby over to one of you guys! (If only I was as savvy as DAY OF THE WOMAN's Brittney-Jade, she made no such deal with the devil and gets to keep hers. Read her take on the book HERE) Well, as they say; "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and DONALD SUTHERLAND, points at you, howls like a banshee and reveals your human identity to the other pod folks."

So get at it already! Tell me what ten horror movies these ten random images are from! Send your answers to kindertrauma@gmail.com and if you have the most correct I will send you this book that by rights should be mine, all mine!

Kinder News:: Me Heart Superjail!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Because I have fashioned my lifestyle to resemble that of BAD RONALD I count on you kids out there to keep me up to date about what's going on in society. So hows come nobody ever gave me a ring on the horn to tell me that I have a new favorite cartoon style T.V. program named SUPERJAIL? Thankfully I heard two gossipy neighbor ladies whispering about it over the clothesline the other day (actually, my pal Mattito Lauttito gets the undying gratitude.) otherwise I'd still be in the dark!

For those somehow less in the know than myself, SUPERJAIL is one of them Adult Swim thingamabobs. The animation is wondrous, bouncing between LINDA BARRY primitive (check out Alice's buck teeth.) to elaborate and surreal BOSCHIAN landscapes. The best part is that SUPERJAIL is the most violent and twisted thing you have ever seen. It's not all guts and gore though, there is a trippy WILLY WONKA attitude that will leave your head spinning. The more you watch the more you love! Wet your whistle with the clip below than check out full episodes of the bestest show ever created that does not involve vampires HERE

The Final Destination

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey, I almost forgot to tell y'all about my FINAL-D film-going adventure! Now that I've had some time to mop the psychedelic residue of R.Z.'s H2 from my brain, I remember that I saw THE FINAL DESTINATION on the same day! Now where R.Z.'s movie was so batty delirious that even if you hated it you could not get it out of your mind, the fourth installment of F-D is so by the book procedural that even if you loved it, it's hard to retain anything of what you saw.

Of course it's all types of fun watching bystanders either crushed under heavy objects or blown to smithereens (I know that sounds harsh, but when you're in a theater that features about a dozen audience members talking into their cell phones you can really start to develop a "Let God sort them out!" mentality) the problem is that going through the motions of watching yet another group of people slowly figure out the rules of the franchise might have you wishing that a buzz saw would land on your own head.

I like that they moved slightly away from the teeny bopper vibe of PART 3 and tried to bring a more assorted variety of people into the fray ala PART 2, but still most of the so-called characters are indistinguishable from each other. Please Hollywood people, I'm not suggesting you hire good writers or anything, but at least cast girls with different hair color so I know who is dying (Another free tip: Throw a pair of glasses or a baseball cap on one!) Speaking of hair color, I like how we've moved past the kill the black guy first thing (so much so that you just KNOW that the black guy is not going to die first), so let's say we drop the whole ginger guy is a bullying asshole routine too huh? (Oh, and don't bring back ginger guy is the comic relief nerd either ‘cuz I didn't like that either!)

The saddest news is that the 3-D is not up to MY BLOODY VALENTINE standards. I don't know if it was a technical issue or if the movie was just so dishrag dark that it didn't stick, but I was only impressed about a quarter of the time. Truth be known, I have to admit to laughing like Bart Simpson viewing an episode of ITCHY & SCRATCHY on several occasions, so that's a good thing. (The opening credits that showed all the kills from the previous installments in x-ray were a nice touch too.)

I think the word "serviceable" was invented for movies like this; it's really just time filler for when you are tired of mowing down pedestrians in GRAND THEFT AUTO. Remember how spooky the first installment tried to be with that dark shadow force roaming around and the tree branches that turn into skeleton hands (or was that the second?) that cool stuff is nowhere to be found here. Truth is, anyone who holds the climax of his movie in a suburban mall and then ignores the opportunity to demolish the HOT TOPIC store, just isn't trying hard enough.

Traumafessions :: Joel Bryant & Deven Green Spectacular!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Awhile back we reviewed a movie called BABY BLUES, an above par indie flick that not only impressed both A.J. and I with its effectiveness in the suspense department, but also with its strong performances. One of those strong performances belonged to JOEL BRYANT. I'm only exaggerating a little when I say that shortly thereafter JOEL BRYANT headshots were hung in our lockers at school and we began spending an inordinate amount of time at the local malt shop discussing his dreaminess. I can admit now that perhaps one of us should have given more thought to the JOEL BRYANT FOREVER tattoo but this was all the way back in May when we were young and impressionable. Can you really blame us though? Check out the peepers on this guy…

Further stalking… I mean research resulted in us finding out that JOEL is happily married. Now normally that would have cooled our jets some (pretend) but as it turns out he's married to DEVEN GREEN the notorious Youtube superstar responsible for the "WELOME TO MY HOME" parody videos you've doubtlessly seen. (She also turns out to be the hilarious BETTY BOWERS.) Suddenly we had two people to idolize! Where would we find the time? Luckily the two are known for collaborating as a comedy duo so that their fans may worship both in one quick swoop!

Unrequited appreciation is the name of the game at Kindertrauma Castle (no matter how much cash and free time we donate to the community the locals still dump their trash in our front lawn and pelt us with cantaloupes when we retrieve our mail). So you can imagine our unbridled joy when we received a (unsolicited, I swear!) communiqué from JOEL thanking us for the review and saying he was a fan of the site. How awesome is this guy?

Wouldn't you know it that a week later the four of us Me, Aunt John, JOEL and DEVEN are spending a glamorous weekend in Las Vegas. Aunt John and JOEL may have ended up getting arrested and spending the night in the drunk tank but DEVEN won forty grand playing poker and I fulfilled my life long dream of performing SCRITTI POLITTI's "Perfect Way" in a karaoke bar!

O.K. that last part only occurred in my mind but I did weasel Traumafessions out of both JOEL and DEVEN on account of I'm always thinking of you readers out there! Enjoy these two traumafessions from two super cool people and then go visit them at their home turf HERE!

Joel Bryant:

I don't want to date myself (that's why I got married – rim-shot!), but the most traumatizing thing that EVER happened to me was seeing the original POLTERGEIST when it was in theaters. From the front row. Age at the time: 8. And I've never been the same since…..

My brother and I were spending the summer at my dad's house (as part of the divorce settlement, my dad had to deal with us every summer. We enjoyed the spoils. How bad did POLTERGEIST traumatize me? Even my parents divorce comes in a far, far, far second place to watching that damn flick!). Up until that time, I had become a huge RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK fan. I'd watched it at least a million times by my best estimate; and I was slowly becoming a movie junkie.

My dad had some friends that had seen POLTERGEIST. They came over and asked if my dad would like to take us with them to see it again. I was trepidatious at first because I knew that "poltergeists" were bad. I had fought them before in Dungeons and Dragons. They were easy to defeat, but were definitely considered "monsters."

My dad's friends would have none of it. They described the movie as "no big deal." In fact, to paraphrase their exact words: "You've seen RAIDERS how many times? You know the ending with the faces melting and everything? Well, that happens in POLTERGEIST, but that's about the worst thing that happens. The rest is really harmless. You'll be fine."

My brother and I believed them.

We were at that young age where you want to see every film from the front row (granted, this was before arena seating and ridiculous sound systems). We settled in, excited, in the middle of the front row.

Then the movie started.

I don't need to give a synopsis of the film, but this is how we watched it:

Within 30 minutes we were in the 10th row. Then the 20th row. Then in the back row by the door. By the end of the film, we were literally hiding under the seats in the back of the theater. Shaking. Literally shaking. It took a while for my dad to find us.

That night I didn't sleep a wink. My dad had to sit up all night next to my bed because I kept waking up, crying, shaking and generally having the same sleep as a flu-riddled crack addict. I could not stop seeing images in my head and imagining that everything in the house – EVERYTHING – was attacking me. That lasted a good week.

I was able to get some sleep over the course of the summer, but my dad had to spend most nights by my bedside.

It took me until I was 20 years old to even think about watching a horror film again. I finally gathered up the strength to watch NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET because it's mostly tongue-in-cheek. That type of movie I can stand. A true horror film? I honestly can say I will never have the nerve/spine/energy/desire to watch one.

(Ironic considering the shout-out that KinderTrauma gave me for my work in BABY BLUES.)

How scarring was POLTERGEIST? To this day – and I'm in my mid-30's now – I can't sleep with the closet open if it's of the hinged-door – not the sliding-door – variety (in fact, even when I'm awake, I insist that the closets be closed). I can't have branches or silhouettes of branches outside of my window lest they break through and try to eat me (O.K., I know it sounds stupid, but it's true!). I can't sleep if the T.V. is static and I get nervous in an all-dark house. Graveyards still kinda freak me out and forget ever, EVER owning a stuffed clown. In fact, I was so rattled by that film (and that clown scene in particular), I can't even own or sleep on a bed that a killer clown doll would be able to crawl under. Hell, I might as well say it: Screw clowns in general!

I know these quirks sound a little BILLY BOB THORNTON-ish, but I fully blame what will always be considered by me "The Scariest Movie Of All Time."

To any parents taking their 8-year-olds to the theater, take it from me:

See a Pixar joint and leave the POLTERGEIST's in the Indian Burial Ground where they belong!

Deven Green:

In the isolated, boreal forests of Northern Canada where I was raised, I experienced something but never made the connection until recently as to why I can't go into graveyards or hospitals. I had been traumatized.

My Grade 7 friend, M* got hopelessly lost in the frozen woods by the river. He illogically tried to traverse the partially frozen river. As he negotiated his way across the rocks he slipped and landed on his back. The water rushed over him and kept him pinned down. The rope he had around him winched its way up his body and slipped around his neck. Two hunters heard his initial scream and raced to the river's edge. They could do nothing as he was held under the water laying face up slowing drowning.

I attended his funeral service (actual burials were only in the summer) and thought that I should have felt something other than the nothing I did feel.

In taking a summer job at the only hospital, which was usually empty, I roamed the halls for hours until I discovered a locked room. I stole keys to secret inside and there was M "alive." It looked like he was covered in a contraption of hockey helmets and wires from head to toe…that is how I could best describe it. I read his chart: the freezing water had put his body into a state of hibernation but the energy of the river had somehow wrenched his spine almost from his body…or something like that. There was a pillow with a face imprint in it by his bed. All I knew for sure was that there was no body in his casket.

I never went back in his hospital room again as I was immediately fired.

Summer of that year the frozen earth warmed enough so all the bodies which had died in the winter were now buried in the small graveyard. The town councilman, known for his temper and his drinking, got so drunk one night he took a backhoe and dug up the entire graveyard. M had been his son. I figured he must have put a pillow over his son's face to finally get him physically buried but now that he was actually gone he couldn't let him go. He had done a lot of destruction to the graveyard. So much so that to this day NONE of the bodies match up with any of the tombstones.

*(Out of respect for his family I won't use his name)