Thanks to Popped Culture via Jazjaz!
Author: unkle lancifer
Name That Traumatot :: Round 4
Phantasm vs. Star Wars
Everybody knows that those little grave robbing critters from PHANTASM look exactly like those trash pickin' Jawa dudes from STAR WARS. Everybody also knows that STAR WARS came out in 1977 and PHANTASM came out in 1979. Some folks are telling me though that PHANTASM took several years to make and actually got to the miniature robed creatures first! Much like with every other debate that gets people all worked up and ready to blow things up, I like to take a "I could give a crap" stance. (Keep in mind, this is coming from somebody who knows firsthand that GEORGE LUCAS is a plagiarist on account of I invented the Ewok!) Can't we all just get along? To me STAR WARS and PHANTASM are two great tastes that taste great together just like peanut butter and jelly, LAVERNE & SHIRLEY and rainy days and nooses! Check these pix for more proof!
Phantasm
How is it that as long as Kindertrauma has been in operation nobody has written a traumafession about DON COSCARELLI's 1979 horror opus PHANTASM? That flick made my hair stand on end as a kid! When I first saw it on VHS I was probably about the same age as its lead character Michael (A. MICHAEL BALDWIN). My identification with him was further cemented by the fact that I had a similar bizarre hair cut and a comparable inclination toward striped tube socks. Watching the film recently I am still in awe of it. So many other films have borrowed freely from PHANTASM that I have to remind myself just how groundbreaking it was at the time. Infusing sci-fi elements, dark fantasy and surrealistic dream logic into horror was not exactly the order of the day back in 1979, but COSCARELLI did so with gusto and he created a universe all his own that never existed before.
How about that "Tall Man" (ANGUS SCRIMM)?, How scary was that guy? Evilly looming above folks while they are trying to snooze, masquerading as the lady in lavender, yelling his signature "Boy!" (I know I just described Aunt John, but the tall man is even scarier), the tall man is really a stand in for death itself as PHANTASM, which truly lives up to its name, comes off as a feverish hallucination of a kid who is battling to accept the recent deaths in his family. Where do our dead loved ones go anyway? As it turns out in PHANTASM, they are shrunken down, forced to wear Jawa costumes and kept as slaves…comforting, huh? And how about that silver Cuisinart flying ball? Will somebody please get on making a parody youtube clip of BILLY MAYS trying to sell such a thing to the masses? (I'd do it myself, but I'm super swamped at the moment). This is a one of the kind movie that is just about as creatively inventive as it could be and please don't get me started on the soundtrack. The DVD is a must own for that reason alone.
I'm not sure how PHANTASM would hold up for first time viewers today. I'm sure the Muppet bug attack must look pretty lame by modern standards but I continue to be smitten. This is a movie that connects me to my youth almost instantly and I'll always love it for that. It's also a film that is noticeably guy-centric. Michael's character is preoccupied with the thought of being abandoned by his older brother and the film's idea of a peaceful existence is just hanging out drinking beer and playing guitar. Funeral home rifle attacks are planned before a roaring fire place and it's all sort of IRON JOHN by way of LOVECRAFT. There is almost a tree fort atmosphere here and the guys, rather than posturing and being competitive, have each other's backs. The female characters may be slight and on the sidelines (the mysteriousness of some rings true with an adolescent boy's perception), but it is also kind of refreshing that PHANTASM, for the most part, does not rely on their peril for scares.
Michael with his constant spying on his older sibling Jody (BILL THORNBURRY) and his need to be included in the investigation of the Morningside Mortuary perfectly captures that bubble in time when you could not wait to grow up and be included among the big kids. I think older brother Jody still reeks of coolness today and just think, his best bud and musical collaborator Reggie (REGGIE BANNISTER ) even drove an ice cream truck! Where were these guys when I was growing up? It's funny though; this movie that used to make me long for adulthood along with Michael now has the exact opposite effect on me. How cool would it be to ride a motorcycle through a graveyard right about now? Where are my binoculars? Point me toward a basement window to smash! Even if you don't find PHANTASM particularly scary anymore there is no denying that it is a fun comic book ride all the way. As for myself, I still get a bit of a chill when the Tall Man appears. No matter how old I get, that guy will always dwarf the tube sock wearing likes of me.
The Fly 2
I had such a splendorific time re-watching DAVID CRONENBERG's THE FLY that I thought it appropriate that I should give its 1989 sequel THE FLY 2 a spin. I remember seeing it when it initially came out and although I wasn't a giant fan at the time, I recalled that the special effects were pretty darn cool. Since super crappy THE EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC was able to somehow win my heart when I gave it a second look-see, who was to say the same would not occur again? Well, THE FLY 2 was to say that it would not occur again because, to me, it really does kinda stink some.
The tag line reads "Like Father, Like Son" but that's just all so much wishful thinking on the part of THE FLY 2. Unlike THE EXORCIST II which at least lubricates its lameness with intoxicating looneyness, this sequel is mostly pure drudgery through and through. It's actually just depressing and not the good kind of depressing either. I mean there is the romantic, honey-flavored, sigh on your bed and listen to THE CURE type of depressing and then there is the mildew smelling stare at a blank wall and have your soul raped by THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT type found here. From its opening shot, which resembles bad television more than a feature film, to its mucky torturous porridge slurping final shot, this film just won't let up with its blotchy blandness. Sadly the special effects that I remembered fondly didn't even have the decency to hold up (some are still pretty cool though, see above).
The movie begins with a dark haired lady that is supposed to be GEENA DAVIS's character Veronica giving birth and promptly dropping dead. This is all taken in by lone returner JOHN GETZ, the bad guy boss from the first movie, who, for his sake, I hope was wearing a fake beard. It turns out the Brundle baby Seth is not a giant maggot (which I think Veronica would have been pretty happy about if she wasn't pushing up daisies with Newt from ALIEN 3 and Alice from FRIDAY THE 13THE PART II), but he does have some accelerated age thing going on, and is kinda turning into a giant fly regardless of not being born a maggot and, worse of all, has to live his short bleak life uncannily resembling Rocky Dennis.
Sadly all the action takes place in these colorless fake looking science labs where you don't ever get a glimpse of the sun, but you do have to bump into DAPHNE ZUNIGA from time to time. There are plenty of mean scientists and security guards all over the place that act in such a way as to secure their own doom when Seth gets his insect on near the end of the picture and seeks revenge for his under a microscope upbringing and being secretly videotaped bumping uglies with ZUNIGA. There is nothing resembling a pace or even a pulse here, and you just sort of wait and wait for special effects artist turned director CHRIS WALAS to get to the underwhelming finale.
I can't really blame the producers for trying to snare a younger audience back in 1989 as Freddy Krueger was currently raking in major coinage, but the degree of dumbing down that takes place in THE FLY 2 is kinda infuriating. Some effort was made to do something a bit different than you might expect, but it's certainly not enough to make up for all the clunky foot dragging and the morose tone. I realize that the first FLY was not exactly the feel good movie of the century, but at least you were left with the feeling of joy that accompanies witnessing a job well done. I know that it would be madness to expect this sequel in particular to be on par with the original but, even giving it the most leeway I know how, it still leaves me with some sort of grubby feeling I can't explain…
…or maybe I can. Look, I know this is a horror film and in horror films bad, bad stuff is bound to occur but what befalls little Seth's only pal, a cute golden retriever, who ends up looking like one of my cat's fur balls spliced with a Vienna sausage, as they say, shouldn't happen to a dog. As much as I hate to admit it, I have to give the Devil his due here and admit that the whole howling mutant dog routine is pretty effective and certainly the stuff of Kindertraumas. To be honest, it may be the reason I find this movie so laborious to endure. Couldn't they have used ZUNIGA as a test subject instead?
Name That Traumatot :: Round 3
Hey kids, ready for round three? Here are ten more traumatots. Can you name the titles of the movies they appeared in?
The Possessed
With all the countless hours I spent watching the boob tube in my youth, how is it even possible that I have never come across the 1977 made-for-television EXORCIST wannabe entitled THE POSSESSED? Jeez, the darn thing takes place in an all girls school and stars DEAD AND BURIED's JAMES FARENTINO for Pete's sake. FARENTINO plays an ex-priest who, during a near death experience, is told to get his ass back to Earth and start stomping evil. That premise alone would have placed it high on my must obsess about list but egad, the entire cast is like a who's who of soon to be stalked by me stars.
Just imagine that future Wookie pal, whip virtuoso and debatable Replicant HARRISON FORD shows up to play a smoldering, in more way than one, biology teacher; and his hot to trot students include ANN DUSENBERRY (JAWS 2), DIANA SCARWID (PSYCHO 3), DINAH MANOFF (CHILD'S PLAY) and wholly Toledo P.J., "I always forget my chemistry book and my math book, and my English book, and my, let's see, my French book, and… well who needs books anyway, I don't need books, I always forget all my books, I mean, it doesn't really matter if you have your books or not" SOLES of you know, HALLOWEEN (and of course, CARRIE).
O.K. it's not exactly scary by today's standards, and it is of course stifled a bit in its need to keep notice of prime time censors, but I feel pretty confident that if I had caught this back in my youth it would have freaked me out in a serious way. FARENTINO begins investigating a number of increasingly dangerous fires that seem to be igniting on their own or perhaps are sparked by one of the school girl's unwanted affiliation with the occult. Before you know it some characters are exiting stage right engulfed by flames and eventually the culprit is revealed to be someone rather low on the suspect list. The final poolside showdown between priest and possessed may lack spinning heads and levitation, but it almost makes up for that with it's one of a kind nail spitting sequence.
Truth be told, Aunt John (an unrepentant devotee of nonsensical made-for-T.V. cinema) was more than a little miffed that zero was given as far as any explanation for what we had just witnessed, and he does have a point. Who knows what the hell was going on at this crazy school where kids ride their bikes in the hall and HARRISON FORD is treated like a garden variety himbo? Frankly, I'm not sure I want to know. I just wish this baby was made into a series. Plus c'mon, I'm not the type to look a gift P.J. SOLES in the mouth, especially if that mouth has the potential to spit nails!
Traumafessions :: Richard of Doomed Moviethon on Alligator
Shortly after I had discovered the horror of JAWS and the irrational fear of even the shallowest of waters, my parents introduced my sister and I to the 1980 film ALLIGATOR. The scene that shook me to the core of my being was the birthday party scene when some bratty kids blindfold an unlucky youngster and took him to walk the plank. The plank, of course, is the diving board of their pool and as luck would have it, the titular beast is waiting hungrily at the bottom. This takes place at night so the kids don't know of the danger until somebody's parent turns on the pool lights revealing 36-feet of alligator badness.
You know how things slow down when you're scared? This scene seemed hours long to my kid-brain. The way I perceived this moment was that the kids KNEW the alligator was in that pool and were trying to kill their friend ON PURPOSE. So what is really just a great scare in a horror movie turned into this long, protracted and sadistic murder scene. Was this a nihilistic comment on the state of children in the 1980s? Probably not, but on the following Monday morning, I viewed the other kids at my grade school in a different and much more suspicious light.
UNK SEZ: Great traumafession Richard! Just what one would expect from the brilliant mind behind DOOMED MOVIETHON and the equally awesome DOOMED MOVIEBLOG!
Coraline
Hello, I wish to tell you about 2009's childhood horror: CORALINE. This movie is messed up! It looks cute, it's in stopmotion for crying out loud! BUT…it's one scary movie! It had scenes in it where two ladies are twisted together and where a man becomes a melty monster! And guess what? It's in 3-D too! In one scene, it is shown that Ms. Forcible and Ms. Spink STUFF thier Scottie dogs when they die. and that's not even the part where the other mother turns into a spider witch. Finally…the hand. it gets cut off and still follows Coraline around! PLEASE PUT THIS ON YOUR SITE!
— Squirt00
UNK SEZ: Thanks Squirt00 for giving us the heads up on the sure to be future traumatizer CORALINE! We've heard from several sources (including our pal Rat Saw God) that this flick is primo Kindertrauma material. I did get a chance to see it recently (in 3-D no less!) and although I'm a little late on commenting about it, I agree with you entirely. I'm sure CORALINE will give kids plenty of stuff to worry about before they go to bed for many years to come!
CORALINE was, of course, directed by HENRY SELICK who was also responsible for the creeped out classics THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS and JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH. It's based on a book by NEIL GAIMAN that tells the tale of a young girl who finds a secret passageway to an alternative universe. At first things seem pretty perfect in the mirror world until she discovers the price of perfection involves sewing buttons on to her peepers! It's all very spooky and weird in the best way possible and, as per usual with SENNICK's work with stop motion animation, the artistry on display is without question. CORALINE's evil alternative "Other Mom" (voiced by TERI HATCHER) is a truly kindertraumatizing sight to behold once she shows her true colors.
My personal favorite aspect of CORALINE though is the fact that super cool JOHN CARPENTER alum KEITH DAVID (Childs from THE THING, Frank from THEY LIVE) lends his voice to an all knowing slinky black cat. If that fact doesn't get folks renting this baby as soon as it hits DVD than I don't know what will!
