Author: unkle lancifer
Merry Garbage Day!!!!
Hey Kids!!!! Sick already of celebrating the holidays? Friends and family got you ready to go nutzo? Why not celebrate SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2's Garbage Day instead with this nifty postcard? Simply print out the amateurishly photoshopped image, cut and glue it to a piece of heavy stock paper and then stamp it and send it on it's way. Imagine your postman's surprise when he realizes that you are more unstable then he is!
Silent Night, Deadly Night (All of 'em!)
This year your Unkle Lancifer decided to give himself the ultimate holiday present by plopping down on the couch and watching all five SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT movies in a row. Did he survive? Did he go mad? You be the judge….
SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT may have been controversial upon its release, but the years have definitely softened its edges. It's hard to imagine anyone getting too upset over what today feels more like a dark satiric comedy. Mad mothers may have took umbrage to television spots depicting a vengeful Saint Nick but let's face it folks, scaring kids into behaving well is a Christmas tradition as old as the holiday itself. As tongue in cheek as much of SILENT is, it does indeed earn its stripes as an eighties slasher. Scream queen LINNEA QUIGLEY's demise is a classic kill all the way and a featured slay ride beheading of a bully truly satisfies. It's all much more sleek and compact then you'd be lead to expect and it's far cleverer as well. LILYAN CHAUVIN, as an intimidating Mother Superior, takes her role seriously and makes a much more frightening impression than the psychologically damaged Billy who dresses up as Santa to dispose of those who have been "naughty." Mother Superior is no match for Grandpa (WILL HARE) though, a phony mute who steals his few scenes with a memorable, twisted Popeye grimace. You'd really have to be a Scrooge not to enjoy what SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT has to offer. It might not have the class of something like BLACK CHRISTMAS, but it's perfect for those who prefer beer to spiked eggnog.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 is a scam but, as far as scams go, it's hard to stay mad at. Focusing on the younger brother of the original film's killer we are presented with flashback after flashback of the first film. Ricky can even recall the horrible death of his parents by a mad man in a Santa Claus suit even though he was but an infant at the time! There is some interesting editing between the two films, but it's pretty obvious that we are being presented with about half of an original movie. What we do see of Ricky's life is that it mirrors his brother's closely. He too is a tall drink of water that tends to go ballistic when he sees the color red or a nun's habit. Whether the two brothers were more damaged by witnessing the horrible rape and murder of their parents or by their stay at a nun run orphanage is up for debate. Once we get all the filler out of the way, S.N.D.N.2 earns trash classic status. Actor ERIC FREEMAN's interpretation of Ricky is sort of ROWDY RODDY PIPER meets JOAN CRAWFORD, and his mid-day rampage on a suburban street is intoxicatingly postal. He too gets to eventually have a show down with the now inexplicably facially scared Mother Superior, but not before he gets to belch out the immortal line, "It's garbage day!" right before shooting a man for taking out his trash.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT! pushes our tale to its limits. Ricky (now played by BILL MOSELEY) we learn did not actually die in the last installment and is now a Frankenstein-ish medical oddity with a glass salad bowl dome over his head that exposes his brain. Stranger still, he now has a psychic connection to a blind woman. Directed by the usually respectable MONTE HELLMAN, S.N.D.N.3's biggest sin is not its ludicrous plot or even its ponderous dialogue, but it's slow as molasses on Christmas morning pacing. Even still, it does have one of the more interesting casts in the series; besides the aforementioned MOSELEY, there's ROBERT CULP and a troika of DAVID LYNCH alum: ERIC DA RE and RICHARD BEYMER from TWIN PEAKS and future MULHOLLAND DRIVE star LAURA HARRING. None are given much to do in this sadly gore-less third outing, which turns out to be the last gasp of the original's story line.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: THE INITIATION is considered by most people to be the low point in the series, but your Unkle Lancifer is not most people. Directed by BRIAN YUZNA, and featuring such notables as MAUD ADAMS, REGGIE BANNISTER, CLINT HOWARD and even more amazingly, ALLYCE BEASLEY, Part 4 is a topsy-turvy fever dream of feminist cults, trippy body distortion and squishy jumbo insects care of SCREAMING MAD GEORGE. It has little to do with the earlier installments, outside a brief glimpse of Part 3 on a television screen and it's Christmastime backdrop (it actually would work as a better sequel to YUZNA's SOCIETY). Released in the U.K. as BUGS, this movie is a lunatic collage that really deserves to be taken on it's own terms. It may leave killer Santa fans on the side of the road waving their fists in the air, but this is just the type of funky late-eighties, straight-to-video fare that yours truly lives for.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOYMAKER saves the big guns for last and by big guns, I mean MICKEY ROONEY. Maybe I saw the television movie BILL at a far too young age, but ROONEY has always scared the living daylights out of me. His work in the film THE MANIPULATOR still sends shivers down my spine. As someone who requires a certain amount of personal space to be content, something about ROONEY's demeanor makes me think he would not deliver it to me. He comes off as a close talker who's always gotta shove his donkey-braying, elfin mug way too close. In this movie he seems a bit more sober than usual, but he does do a lot of screaming and eventually beats the crap out of his son. Strangely I kind of preferred this evil ROONEY over his usual more jovial-than-thou persona. ROONEY plays Joe Petto, the titular toymaker, and his son is "Pino." Wacky Pinocchio references aside, this is kind of your standard killer toy movie, but the toys are a bit lamer than usual. The one exception is the SCREAMING MAD GEORGE creation "Larry the Larvae" who gets to tunnel through a man's head by way of his mouth and then pops out of his eye. Folks wondering about the fate of Part 4's main character will find her here as a friendly neighbor offering advice learned from experience.
All in all, the SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT series certainly has its weak moments but every once in a while, it delivers in bloody spades. Nothing really touches upon the first film's simple brilliance, but that is usually the case in most horror franchises. Ironically by the end, the series achieves just what JOHN CARPENTER had in mind with HALLOWEEN 3, a selection of loosely interlocking tales centered on a specific holiday. They might not be the most expensive toys in the sack, but at least they are dependably entertaining. I was convinced that after watching all five in a row I would be crying Unkle, but instead I find myself itching for a Part 6!!!
Dead End
On Christmas Eve the Harrington family embarks on a journey to visit relatives for the holidays. Along the way they get lost and I mean really, really lost. Normal everyday reality seems to fly out their car window as one by one they succumb to a dark, deadly force that presents itself in the form of an ominous black automobile. Like a collaboration (or perhaps a collision) between EDWARD ALBEE and ROD STERLING, this Trojan horse of a film is misleadingly simple and masterfully manipulative.
One of DEAD END's greatest feats is how perfectly it captures the feeling and tone of a dream. More incredibly still is how it snares that moment during a dream when you realize that you are having an awful nightmare. Minimalistic, yet fused with countless symbols and layers of meaning, it masquerades as a routine journey when it's anything but. As bizarre and borderline surreal as events become, it's nearly impossible not to relate to the situation presented. Anyone who has ever taken a wrong turn or found themselves trapped in a day that never seems to end will find themselves on disturbingly familiar ground. The behavior of some of the characters may seem unlikely at first, but multiple viewings of the Harrington family's ordeal iron out these wrinkles quite nicely. This is one movie where all the signs are present but are almost indecipherable upon your first viewing.
It is rare to find a modern horror film that hinges on the performances of its actors. Considering that DEAD END's action takes place in a limited environment, one weak link could knock over the whole house of cards. Yet all the players assembled here are remarkable and excel at playing against each other. There's not much in way of special effects or explosive visuals, but I doubt you'll miss them due to the actors' highly entertaining turns. It's not easy to shift gears from hysterically funny to nerve-rackingly creepy, but this group makes it look as easy as changing a radio station. Genre vets RAY WISE and LIN SHAYE both knock it out of the park as Dad and Mom Harington, and as their offspring MICK CAIN and ALEXANDRA HOLDEN are no slouches either. (HOLDEN has an excellent scene where she is required to scream up to the heavens and beg for, if not an answer, then at least some kind of mercy. Considering the comical vibe that DEAD END has been flirting with, the existential defeatism expressed is all the more disturbing.)
The behind the camera talent is equally adept. The direction and writing shared by JEAN-BAPTISTE ANDREA and FABRICE CANEPA is never pretentious or showy. When all the puzzle pieces are in place, you realize just how seamless it all is. Additionally, hats off to the almost subliminal editing and the ever persuasive use of sound. It is increasingly rare to find a film that is brave enough not to wrap itself in neon and underline and circle its every step. Rather than begging the audience to fall in love with it every five seconds, DEAD END challenges the audience to keep up with it.
If you are looking for holiday horror, but are not interested in having cymbals smashed against your ears for an hour and a half, DEAD END is just for you. Many movies may end up parking in the same garage as DEAD END, but few do such a wonderful job of earning their right to be there. If its final moments give you a frustrating sense of déjà vu, just remember it's not the destination that's important, it's the journey. Genuinely funny, surprisingly haunting and ultimately moving, DEAD END should be spoken in the same breath as MULHOLLAND DRIVE and the seminal mind-screwer JACOB'S LADDER. It simply does a bang up job of reminding us once again that how we see events is governed more by personal perception than any universal concrete reality.
Kinder-News :: 'Tis the Season for Santaphobia
You can't blame kids for loving old Saint Nick, for every year he brings them toys on Christmas Eve and then splits without requiring any sort of face time. Sounds like the perfect relationship to me, so how come parents have to ruin this perfect symbiotic alliance by shoving their toddlers on his lap and taking pictures?
Thankfully my parents never pimped me out in such a fashion. Contrary to popular belief, being forced to sit on an old, fat, gray-bearded stranger's lap for a photo shoot is not my idea of a good time. Obviously many children agree with me because 4 out of 5 Christmas snapshots involve Munchian howls of disapproval by the child involved.
There's even a BOOK out right now celebrating this sadistic ritual abuse. Which means for less than whatever it would cost you to see whatever crappy holiday movie is in the theaters right now, you can ogle at the anguish of confused terror stricken kiddies. How Kindertraumatic!
Note: For even more Satan Santa-induced horror look HERE and HERE.
The Dark (2005)
I kind of enjoy this quiet brooder that many seem to despise. I can't disagree that it's far too familiar and that nobody needs another "Where's My Kid At?/ Not Without My Undead Daughter!" flick. Maybe I'm just a sucker for its Isle of Mann pretending to be a Welsh seaside location. Then again I've always had a thing for hometown heroine MARIA BELLO who, if she donned a fake mustache, I'd marry tomorrow (sorry A.J.!) I admit that THE DARK may not reinvent the wheel-o, but the cinematography is borderline gorgeous and even though it has maybe five too many endings, it's got a passionate core that's enviable.
BELLO plays Adelle, an emotionally distant mother who carts her young daughter Sarah (SOPHIE STUCKEY) off to the isolated shabby chic home of her estranged ex (SEAN BEAN). Nightmares of losing her daughter become prophetic as the little girl ends up being whisked away by the crashing sea. In actuality, she is trapped in a mythical Welsh underworld known as "Annwn." Soon after a girl similar in age as the missing daughter appears and it becomes evident that a trade of some sort has been made. Unfortunately, folks who return from Annwyn are worse for the wear and tend to have a highly toxic effect on livestock and a general schleprockian disposition.
Following the requisite searching of the local library's microfilm collection, Adelle decides the only way to get back her real daughter is to force a trade back by chucking the new kid off a cliff. (Personally I would have kept the depressing Wednesday Addams chick and let my iPod wearing mouthy brat to her new home.)
I doubt THE DARK could rock anybody's world, but it's a perfect time-waster on a winter night. I rather enjoyed learning about the refreshingly low key limbo like dimension "Annwyn" to boot. The whole affair is more spooky than scary, but MAURICE ROEVES is perfect as the salt of the Earth handyman Dafydd and flash back scenes of homemade lobotomies are actually kind of cringe worthy. Extra kudos are earned by showcasing a suicide cult learning the hard way that the first step off a cliff is a real doozy.
More than anything though, this movie has the world's most profound, yet borderline hilarious pie-in-the-face door slamming scene I think I have ever witnessed, That's gotta count for something!
Snowbound Horror
I love horror movies that utilize a wintry, snowy environment. I'm a sucker for them. They just instantly put me in the proper mood for scares and they are tailor made for watching from under a blanket. Even a horrible movie like DREAMCATCHER is highly watchable to me based on this phenomenon. I've gathered a bunch of snow-scare movies here for you folks to peruse. They are not in any order unless you count the fact that the DVDs that were closest to my computer came first. Maybe you can get some ideas for winter watching from this collection. I'd pretty much recommend almost all of them. (Even DREAMCATCHER, which although indisputably wretched is also indisputably hilarious) . Do you have any favorites that I have forgotten? Let me know in the comments section! I'm always looking for another snow movie to chill to!
GINGERSNAPS: THE BEGINNING (2004)
Not the best of the series, but still stunning.
MISERY (1990)
A needs-no-introduction classic.
DEAD ZONE (1983)
CRONENBERG knows cold.
WIND CHILL (2007)
Underrated haunter; part road movie, part ghost story. EMILY BLUNT's frigid character turns down the thermostat even further.
WHISPER (2007)
Runs icy rings around the OMEN remake.
DREAMCATCHER (2003)
Ludicrous and overblown, but the animal exodus scene is beautiful to behold.
WENDIGO (2001)
Low-budget thriller saved by atmosphere and interesting performances.
BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)
I'm sorry DREAMCATCHER, maybe you aren't the worst in this grouping!
THE SHINING (1980)
Hey look, I didn't use a picture of the hotel OR the maze!
SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT (1984)
Grandpa is my hero in life.
GHOST STORY (1981)
Talk about atmosphere. It may have failed the brilliant novel, but the visual tone is spot on.
DEVIL TIMES FIVE (1974)
I'd rather take a bath with a piranha then give up my copy of this Kindertauma favorite.
THE BOOGENS (1981)
Why is this not high on the remake to-do list? I want a BOOGENS upgrade!
CURTAINS (1983)
Includes one of the best slasher death scenes EVER.
THE THING (1982)
A yet to be dethroned ultimate snowbound terror masterpiece.
CURSE OF THE CAT PEOPLE (1944)
I think I can blame this film alone for being the catalyst of my snowbound horror obsession. The climax is simply gorgeous.
BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)
Here is the real deal classic! This movie is so frosty I need to get another hit of hooch!
THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES (2002)
I know I'm a freak, but I totally believe in Sir Moths-a-lot.
SUSPENDED ANIMATION (2001)
From the director of LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH, if you ask me, he's still got it!
DEAD OF WINTER (1986)
A snowy little salute to HITCHCOCK, perfect for a late night watch.
SILENT NIGHT BLOODY NIGHT (1974)
Two words,… MARY WORONOV
SHREDDER (2003)
O.K. this is a REAL tribute to the '80s slashers, and it's done right.
RAVENOUS (1999)
An inevitable cult classic.
THE DARK HOURS (2005)
I couldn't recommend this movie more. It's so good! My goal in life is to bring it to the stage!
JACK FROST (1996)
It's kind of cheating using Christmas movies, but this one is too bizarre to pass up.
SANTA'S SLAY (2005)
Speaking of holiday horror, nobody is allowed into Kindertrauma Castle during the season without being forced to watch the OPENING SCENE to this must-have horror comedy!
30 DAYS OF NIGHT (2007)
Say what you like. Vampires? Check. Snow? Check. Lancifer in happy place? Double check!!
GREMLINS(1984)
Is any round up on Kindertrauma complete without GREMLINS? The answer is "no." Hey look, you can see Dorry's tavern!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST: SNOW BEAST (1977)
Aunt John would have my head if I didn't mention his favorite all time television movie!
For more seasonal fun, be sure to check out: