Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Let's say we visit some of our favorite horror watering holes! Below are ten images of ten bars from ten horror movies. How many movies can you identify? Good Luck!
Author: unkle lancifer
Kong: Skull Island (2017)
When I was a little kid living in California during the seventies, I'll never forgot one of our neighbors (who worked in the biz!) handed out small movie posters of KING KONG (1976) for Halloween! I was just the type of weird kid who would much rather have a miniature advertisement featuring a giant ape crushing a plane while straddling the World Trade Center than any known form of candy (keep in mind that SOUR PATCH KIDS had not been invented yet). This past Friday when I went to the very first showing (Thursday is for cheaters) of KONG: SKULL ISLAND, the disgruntled dude that took my ticket handed me just such a miniature poster featuring the brand spanking new KONG movie's promotional artwork! Yes, I got sorta giddy and yes I rolled it carefully, tied it with a napkin from the concession stand (I'm a genius) and put it in a protective plastic grocery bag that I just happened to have in my back pocket from walking my niece's dog, Nelson. So basically, I was sold on this movie before I sat down in a chair- just so you know.
I feel guilty that I haven't been writing many reviews for current movies lately. It's not that I don't go see them it's just that I've needed the escapism of film so much that I am loath to taint the therapeutic experience with critical thought. Scanning entertainment with a laser eye is not a luxury my mental health can afford right now. These days when I'm watching a movie and my brain tries to be smart and point out illogical discrepancies, I politely tell my brain to shut the hell up and remind it how little its annoying opinion has gotten us thus far. There are so few enjoyable places in the world and I refuse to hand over the haven of the multiplex. If I want a nonstop mudslide of inconsequential jabbering I've got the Internet for that. I'm not talking about leaving your brain at the door when you see a movie, I'm talking about taking your brain, wrapping a bonnet on its head, shoving it in a baby carriage and pushing it down a long hill in the opposite direction of the theater, preferably one of those steep San Francisco hills as seen in WHAT'S UP DOC?. Hopefully it will run into two guys transporting a large plate of glass.
Naturally, I had a fantastic time with KONG: SKULL ISLAND. I left the theater feeling ten years younger and with my posture improved. For a would-be blockbuster it's rather muted and easy on the eyes; obviously borrowing visual tips from the more grounded cinema of decades ago. It clearly has an aspiration to ape (haha) APOCALYPSE NOW and hey, there's nothing wrong with setting your sights high. The visual effects are seamless and I'm looking forward to never having to discuss CGI again. It's as convincing as any dream and that's good enough for me. The nostalgic tone is solidified by the extensive eclectic cast who I can easily envision being featured in tiny profiles squares at the bottom of a disaster movie poster. JOHN GOODMAN rules as usual, SAMUEL L. JACKSON menaces like a pro and JOHN C. REILLY steals every scene not nailed down. In addition, I found BRIE LARSON fetching and I think SHEA WHIGHAM is the coolest. Plus I love KONG. He's more than a giant monster to me. He so perfectly represents all the beautiful wildlife that we're all going to burn in hell for destroying…. Oops, I guess I didn't leave the real world behind as much as I thought. It all boils down to this; If you're in the mood to see a giant monkey punch a giant octopus in the face- this is your best bet!
Sunday Movie:: Night of the Living Dead (1990) (Via Crackle)
TOM SAVINI's 1990 refurbishing of his buddy GEORGE ROMERO's immortal NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD has got to be one of the most underrated remakes of all time. I'm not surprised folks were skeptical before it hit the big screen but I'm more than a little shocked anyone was able to cling to their cynicism by the time the end credits rolled. It's so darn good! Personally, I thought I had witnessed the vital birth of a Ripley-esque heroine in the revamped Barbara (PATRICIA TALLMAN) and I was stunned to later find critics giving the whole rip-roaring anti-adventure a cold dismissal (How could you, EBERT?). What's worse, even horror fans shrugged it off and snidely shunned it. I have faith that most of those naysayers have changed their tune by now but how could they be so blind in the first place? Ugh, I guess some people really need to trash some things in order to prove their love for other things, which is pretty stupid because you can easily love both!
Every remake has its work cut out for it and this particular one had some extra big shoes (or coffins) to fill. Is it possible people were extra biased because they figured special effects guru SAVANI would deliver the ultimate gorefest? Well it just so happens, I like my undead like I like my everything- and that's on a small scale and in a very limited space. SAVINI cut his directorial teeth directing TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE episodes and that could explain part of my mad devotion; something about that series singularly scratches a psychological itch for me. SAVINI's take almost feels like an extended DARKSIDE episode and that's so up my nightmare alley. I'm not the type who thinks SAVINI walks on water but I have to say whoever is responsible for this particular end product has got some serious chops. The score even has that strange minimalist keyboard routine going on and the meager budget insures everything remains looking backyard regional and lived in. The atmosphere is so convincingly nihilistic and morbidly depressing that the entire excursion acts as a cathartic purging of negative vibes. And how can anyone look a gift horse in the mouth when its front teeth are genre legends TONY TODD and BILL MOSLEY? Meanwhile, a motion picture is worth more than a zillion words and you can check this fine flick out for FREE thanks to super cuddly CRACKLE right abouts HERE!
VHSaturday: Grotesque (1988)
GROTESQUE (1988) is a hilariously weird (and possibly terrible) movie that you should watch immediately because it stars four of the greatest people who ever lived: LINDA BLAIR, DONNA WILKES, TAB HUNTER and the late, great ROBERT Z'DAR. If you dig gawky, inexplicable exploitation, it's a bountiful bargain because you get a gory monster movie and a dippy punk rock home invasion thriller at the same time. If you're interested in eighties-era make up effects it's a treasure trove and if you pay close attention, you may even catch a glimpse of your favorite HALLOWEEN 3 mask! But who cares about the movie? It's VHSaturday and I'm here to sing the praises of the incredibly unique (and possibly terrible) cover art!
The first time I bumped into this off-putting illustration was when it appeared as a full-page ad on the back of (I believe) GORE ZONE magazine. I was taken aback by its heavy-handed high school stoner surrealism and its plucky reliance on a puke green background. I didn't actually like it at the time but it successfully relayed in me a feeling of out of bounds, unsafe territory. At about the same time, I had a similar reaction to the cover of the VHS of 555 (1988). Both boxes actually fit rather well with the GORE ZONE esthetic, which often paired earthy, harsh horror elements with contrasting bright fluorescent fonts and borders. I love that! The end result is garish and even ugly but I think it works in instilling borderline nauseous dread. I didn't want to see this movie and then of course, I simply had to. Where did I finally find this thing? It doesn't look like a tired rental. The tape inside is pristine!
Plus, it's from good ol' MEDIA HOME ENTERTAINMENT and it must be pretty close to the end of their fine run (they were kaput by ‘93). I can't tell you how much seeing the MEDIA logo informed my rental choices in the early days of home video. I mean HALLOWEEN, HELL NIGHT, BLOOD BEACH and TOURIST TRAP…so many! They had all the good stuff! I can't say whether my brain consciously recognized it at the time but I do know that the silver MEDIA logo still lights a little fire of anticipation in my heart. And how about that tagline? You can't beat "There is a fate worse than death…" for stoking apprehension. Later in life I would learn to be weary of VHS boxes with few actual images from the movie to share. I would eventually come to expect there was something to hide but in this case keeping the mystery alive really worked- at least it did for me. I know, it looks tacky, I know it looks cheap and I know it looks GROTESQUE! That, as it turned out, was just what I was looking for.
Name That Giant Monster Movie!
I'm at the movie theater because of that KONG: SKULL ISLAND. Below are ten images from ten movies featuring giant monsters. How many of these giant monster movies do you recognize?
Name That Trauma:: Chik S. on a Red (Possibly Orange) CGI Demon
I'm about 23 now and I have a VERY vague memory of something I saw that scared the crap out of me when I was 7 or 8 years old. I don't know where it was, I want to say Sesame Street since I watched it so often, but I also watched Cartoon Network back then and it might have been from there.
It was this red (possibly orange) demonic looking thing animated in CGI. It may have appeared on a screen or monitor. It had these creepy yellow eyes and I recall a mouth that looked like a vent… I remember it had a deep evil voice, and that at one point it said "Who am I?" and laughed evilly. That's the ONLY thing I remember about it.
I saw it for a short time and every time it appeared I'd run out of the room. If this was SS, I think they took it off because it was scary. This thing gave me nightmares and I wanna know what it was!
Sunday Movie:: After Midnight (1989) (Via Comet TV)
I don't ask for much out of this universe, I just ask that every human person who I interact with at some point watches the 1989 horror anthology AFTER MIDNIGHT. If you've been playing hard to get in regards to this simple request today is the day that you can heed my plea with relative ease because AFTER MIDNIGHT is going to be on COMET TV! As I mentioned long ago HERE, there was a point in my young adult life when AFTER MIDNIGHT was my very own "Name That Trauma"! I once fatefully fell asleep in front of the boob tube and woke up to the segment involving a gaggle of girls being hunted down by ferocious dogs in the big city. I was in a half conscious, semi-dream state and the whole business seemed like a televised nightmare. It took me years (and the rise of the internet) for me to track this movie down and tattoo its title permanently inside my head. Frankly folks, you shouldn't need me to tell you to watch every PAMELA ALDON (GREASE 2, THE GATE 2) movie you possibly can. AFTER MIDNIGHT starts at 6pm but I plan to be handcuffed to the TV long before that as COMET will also be sharing LUCKY McKEE's ode to SUSPIRIA, THE WOODS (2006) at 2 and the Kindertrauma classic BURNT OFFERINGS at 4! Don't fret if you don't have a TV set, the very same parade of horror awesomeness is going down smack-dab HERE!!!
VHSaturday:: Cousin Wil on Hard To Die (1990)
UNK SEZ: Hey, look! Our old pal Cousin Wil sent in a love letter to his HARD TO DIE tape! If you have a favorite VHS tape you'd like to write about feel free to do the same and we'll feature you in a future installment of VHSaturday! Here's Cousin Wil…
During the blogging boom of 2006 an alleged clip from an unreleased sequel to Sorority House Massacre hit the internet. I owned a major horror website at the time and decided to investigate the clip which led me to an email conversation with Jim Wynorski. I had planned to write an article about Wynorski's career, and not knowing what I was doing I decided I needed to do a full interview with the director. Since I had already planned the article I actually didn't have any questions for Wynorski except about the clip. So I emailed him a bunch of silly questions just to say I had interviewed him.
Around the same time my roommate produced a VHS copy of the film Hard to Die, which is kind of a spiritual successor to Sorority House Massacre II. This was before VHS had been totally replaced by DVD, and while the movie wasn't readily available I wouldn't really call it rare. While I was watching Hard to Die for the first time Wynorski had actually responded to my email, and he wasn't pleased with my simple questions. Wynorski graciously completed the interview because he said he knew I was a fan of his films, but he only gave one-word answers. I eventually scrapped my planned article and I never got to the bottom of the alleged clip. Today I still have no idea if there is an unfinished sequel to Sorority House Massacre floating around, but I did come away as a fan of Hard to Die.
Fast forward ten years later and distributors like Scream Factory and the internet have all but killed the collectible movie market. Most hard to find out of print titles have now found new life as expensive collectible Blu-rays. Movies like Slumber Party Massacre II and The Video Dead are now only a few clicks on a computer away for anyone to purchase, and the fun of hunting for rare VHS titles at video stores is all but a distant memory. However, this doesn't mean collecting physical media is a totally dead art. A few nostalgic hunters such as myself still enjoy digging through old dusty thrift stores for rare DVDs and VHS.
In Philadelphia we have a local shop called Thrift for AIDs. It is a thrift store that sells donated items to help fund AIDs research. Outside the shop everyday there are several green totes full of free items the shop can't sell. One day while walking by I decided to quickly check out the free items and to my surprise there was a VHS copy of Hard to Die at the bottom of one of the bins. Most of you reading this probably understand why this was a big score. To my knowledge Hard to Die has never even made the transition from VHS to DVD. There may be some kind of bootleg version floating around, but I'm pretty sure there has never been any official release. Hard to Die has also escaped the likes of Scream Factory, Synapse and all the other distributors currently releasing old cult films to Blu-ray. Hard to Die can occasionally be found on Amazon and eBay listed at insane prices, making it one of the rarer VHS tapes floating around.
My copy of Hard to Die on VHS is very special to me. Not only does it remind me of my ill fated Wynorski interview, but I rescued it from the trash. The tape is in good condition for being a dumpster baby, and it even has a "remember to rewind" Blockbuster sticker on its side. This allows me to know where it originated from and it gives my copy some backstory. Hard to Die is a great VHS classic and a must see for all Wynorski fans. It stars most of the same actresses from Sorority House Massacre II, and Peter Spellos reprises his role as Orville Ketchum. It has been called both a sequel and a remake, and it has a strange history surrounded by many rumors. I encourage all Wynorski fans who have never heard about it to do a little googling to learn more about this mostly forgotten film.
The Evil Within (2016)
Wow, I just woke up from the craziest, most impossibly elaborate dream(s) and I'm definitely blaming super bonkers THE EVIL WITHIN rather than the LAVERNE & SHIRLEY marathon I chased it down with. THE EVIL WITHIN was written and directed by the late ANDREW GETTY (grandson of billionaire Jean Paul Getty) and it's one of the strangest, trippiest and relentlessly peculiar movies I've seen in a long time. It's like PHANTASM meets DOMINICK AND EUGENE splashed with the uncomfortable intimacy of THE ROOM and dipped in the headache-baiting insanity of 1971's maddening MICKEY ROONEY monstrosity, THE MANIPULATOR. It took me too close to places I didn't want to go and it hurt my poor little head! Is there enough time on the doomsday clock for this flick to become a cult movie? Apparently this oddity was filmed about ten years ago (there is a startling scene in which the late MATTHEW MCGRORY (Tiny Firefly!) shows up and he passed away back in 2005!) but went unfinished due to GETTY's untimely death. To all those involved with making sure this flick finally saw the light of day I say thank you! You are great people!
I know the world wasn't asking for a movie about a mentally challenged man (a fearless FREDERICK KOEHLER! Yay, Chip from KATE & ALLIE!) who befriends an evil entity he meets in a mirror (horror legend MICHAEL BERRYMAN of THE HILLS HAVE EYES and DEADLY BLESSING fame) that convinces him that murder makes you smarter but here it is! No, I did not appreciate the first victim being an orange tabby but I was able to move past that thanks to the presence of the delightful KIM DARBY as a snippy caseworker named Mildy. Heck, this movie has got all types of folks running around in it! You've got your SEAN PATRICK FLANERY (SAW 3) as rather self-centered brother John, DINA MEYER (Dizz from STARSHIP TROOPERS) as his long-suffering girlfriend Lydia and then comedic actor TIM BAGLEY randomly shows up to make things even more off kilter. The real star of this movie though is its anything goes mind-bending visuals and its impressively persuasive surrealism. Sure, the script wanders towards the verbose a few too many times but that didn't stop me from rewinding a few scenes in awe or my jaw from hitting the floor during the flicks baroque and beyond bizarre grand finale (which kinda reminded me of the ever creepy auditorium scene from THE REDEEMER: SON OF SATAN aka CLASS REUNION MASSACRE (1978).
THE EVIL WITHIN is available on your favorite VOD services and on ye old timey DVD format today. If you dig strange, artsy, hallucinogenic, one of a kind flicks, this is for you! Heck, just check out the trailer below! Nuff ‘said!
Name That David DeCoteau Movie!
Here are ten images from ten movies directed by the ever prolific David DeCoteau! How many can you identify?
