Category Archives: Amanda By Night

Blu-ray Review:: The Prey (1984)

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Woodsy slasher flick THE PREY is finally on Blu-ray! I once caught this slippery fish on YouTube and reviewed it way back HERE. The gist of my take was that THE PREY is unquestionably lackadaisical in spots (it’s famous for an over-reliance on nature footage) but kind of charming and adorable anyway and I’d certainly give it another shot when a superior release was available. Well, I have to say, Arrow’s new release is all kinds of superior and THE PREY cleans up real good. Having only seen a hazy, washed-out, zillionth generation version before, my peepers were more than pleased to take in some bright rich colors. Sadly I have no means to screen-grab images from my Blu-ray player but check it out; the picture is so vibrant that I was able to directly take photos off the TV with my ancient phone! Picture quality can’t save all of THE PREY’s quirky issues but it certainly does help.

I know THE PREY isn’t up there with the higher lords of campfire terror like FRIDAY THE 13th and THE BURNING. It’s not even up there with middle level also-rans like THE FINAL TERROR. It’s more stuck in the trying–to-keep-up zone of THE FOREST and DON’T GO IN THE WOODS and that’s fine. In my opinion, all eighties-era wood-set slasher movies have value. I might even say that out of the many underachievers, THE PREY is the most fetching to me. Sure it tries your patience on many occasions but it’s not mean-spirited (if you skip over the implications of the dour denouement), it’s got a healthy respect for mother nature (it features more critters than a TALK TALK music video) and I’m basically going to love any movie with a park ranger who plays banjo and tells jokes to fawns (and if these scenes are improvised padding, I’m all for it).

Arrow Video’s snazzy new package includes three (!) versions of the movie; there’s the zippy (80 minutes that feel like 100) jam we all know and love, a European cut that includes a back story involving gypsies, and finally a go-for-broke integrated combination of the two. Now in most cases, you’d want to gravitate to the version that serves up the most meat but I wouldn’t say so here. Turns out the gypsy backstory version does not consist of scenes edited out for time that were part of the original vision but scenes directed by a gun-for-hire that were added in by a producer who thought the movie needed more boobs. It’s not so much a lost, Holy Grail complete version, as it is a bastardized alteration that the director didn’t approve of. I’m still grateful to have all three (the more the merrier) but I think I’ll be sticking with the O.G. for future watches.

Perhaps the greatest attribute of this release is that it sports a commentary from our old pal Amanda Reyes of MADE FOR TV MAYHEM fame (if you haven’t gotten her book ARE YOU IN THE HOUSE ALONE? yet, I suggest buying as many copies as financially feasible because they make great Christmas gifts and the holidays are just around the corner!). Let me tell ya, I have experienced the joy of watching a movie with Amanda firsthand on several occasions and it’s always an unmitigated treat. I can’t think of anyone who is as knowledgeable and entertaining at the same time. Here’s she’s joined by fellow THE PREY super-fan Ewan Cant and their rallying adoration for the flick is infectious. You’ll also find some informative interviews with cast members and crew, a return visit to some of the locations and a slew of never-seen-before outtakes.

Since my first viewing, I took THE PREY to be sort of a lovable underdog but this package has kindled new respect in the movie for me. Even though it will forever suffer from amateurish editing and dubbing issues, it has a genial heart that many of its better-made cohorts lack. It’s really too bad this early to the gate (filming started in 1979!) slasher got tangled in distribution woes and didn’t hit the track until interest in what it offered was beginning to wane (1983). I’m guessing it’s more influential than its given credit for as WRONG TURN (2003) features a scene that seems lifted straight from it (although the concept of a deranged mutant cutting a climber’s rope so that they fall to their death was surely a cinematic inevitability). In any case, THE PREY will always be the one and only movie to feature my childhood heroes Shazam! (JACKSON BOSTWICK) and Uncle Fester (JACKIE COOGAN, in his last film) discussing the merits of cucumber sandwiches and for that alone, I must stand and give it some long-deserved applause.

For the Love of:: The Boogens (1981)

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UNK SEZ: Today is all about THE BOOGENS! Your Unkle Lancifer has teamed up with fellow BOOGENS enthusiast Amanda Reyes of MADE FOR TV MAYHEM fame and we’re both going to share our five favorite things about this lovable 1981 flick which STEPHEN KING himself recommended as a “wildly energetic monster movie”! I think we can all agree that what the world needs now is more BOOGENS! Amanda, take it away….

AMANDA: Opening credits: As an archivist I have an unhealthy fixation on not just history, but also the diverse ways we can (and do) recount the past. That history is often stitched together like a quilt (or maybe Frankenstein is a better reference for this article!), with distinctive artifacts, manuscripts and sometimes oral histories helping us develop the bigger picture. I’m also really into economical storytelling and low budget horror. There is something really simple but brilliant about how the opening credits sequence of The Boogens creates the standard slasher flashback sequence through sepia tone photos and ratty newspaper headlines. The film quietly lays out the story about a booming mine that has been shut down due to several mysterious cave-ins, and deaths, generating an impressive level of intrigue. And don’t forget that sweet harmonica score, which adds just the right amount of melancholy. This is easily one of my favorite openings to a horror film, and without one visceral moment to be had. It’s all about mood and storytelling.

AMANDA: Fred McCarren: I’m not sure when or where I first laid eyes on the adorable and affable Fred McCarren, but he was always a reliable “Oh, that guy,” for me through most of my life. Predominately a character actor who showed up in everything from Hill Street Blues to Here’s Boomer, every so often Fred got to star in a film. And, The Boogens really lets Fred’s star shine. He’s appealing, likeable and beyond charismatic as good guy Mark. In The Boogens, Fred showcases his incredible knack for comic timing, and he constructs Mark as a guy who is funny in small, simple ways, which makes him realistic as a buddy and potential boyfriend. It also seems fairly obvious that Fred is an actor who is not so egotistical that he has to own every scene. I get the feeling he loved the ensemble cast of The Boogens, and he never attempts to be the biggest personality in the room. It’s that low-key approach that makes him so disarmingly sexy, and that is very sexy indeed.

AMANDA: Romance: Going back to Fred McCarren for a minute (sorry, I can’t help myself!)… There are many things about The Boogens that I adore, but ultimately it is my love of love that keeps me coming back to the film. Most genre films of this era have some level of romance, whether it’s unrequited love (which often spurs a character to kill), or simply pure animal lust (which is the case 90% of the time in most of these films), there are always characters who only speak of love (or sex, but we’ll call it love for the sake of the argument). The Boogens definitely has the animal lust component in Roger (Jeff Harlan) and Jessica (Anne-Marie Martin), who are undoubtedly loveable but almost exhausting in their pursuit of carnal desire. They’re fun and all, but it’s the courtship dance between Mark and Trish (my hero, Rebecca Balding) that keeps me coming back for more. There is such a sense of fun in the dialog delivery, and there are so many genuine sparks you think all of that snowfall is going to melt around them. A bit like my heart does! I feel like I’m falling in love with them as they fall in love with each other. Sure, I’m a sentimental fool, but goshdarnit, the love affair between Mark and Trish beats the crap out of any Harlequin romance novel going, and will ultimately defeat the Boogens! So sue me, K?

AMANDA: Friendship: A while ago I wrote a paper for school about female friendship in horror films, and I noted how the influx of slashers coming out at the time (the Halloween remake, Sorority Row, etc.) featured very antagonistic characters. It often seemed as though no one liked each other and I wondered why on earth they would hang out together. I’m a bit old school, but that gives me the benefit of hindsight, and I can see that movies like Friday the 13th, Friday the 13th Part 2 and so on were appealing because people actually liked each other (I mean, mostly, let’s not get into Melissa in Friday the 13th Part 7, who is amazing but not someone you’d want to share a bowl of ice cream with). When they hung out in the film, you were hanging out with them, and it was cool, man. Real cool. The Boogens has several endearing friendship moments, and I want to drink a beer and barbeque with all of them. But it’s probably Trish and her best girl bud, Jessica that always makes me smile. They want what’s best for each other, and when Jessica plays cupid for her gal pal, the way she tries to sell Trish to Mark by asking, “Isn’t Trish neat?” is one of the sweetest moments I can remember in any horror film. Ever. It’s the engaging nature of the characters that keeps me invested in their outcome, and sad when some don’t make it. I mean, this is a horror film, and yes, I love the death scenes, but I also hate them because that means I have to say goodbye to someone I actually care about. Tiger forever, y’all!

AMANDA: Boogens-cam: Let’s go back to what I said about The Boogens being an exercise in economical horror filmmaking. They’ve got a great location, awesome characters and good set-pieces, but, I have to admit, the monster effects leave a little to be desired. Don’t get me wrong, the worm-like Boogens are charming as all get out, but they are budget too. The filmmakers realize this and in place of overselling it, they opt instead to use what I have always referred to as the “Boogens-cam.” So, it’s like most slashers in that the there are several killer POV shots, but here we’re seeing the terror from the monster’s eyes. A giant worm monster! This means we’re looking through some crazy and fun angles, usually taken from the ground, giving us a glimpse of the victims-to-be as they find themselves in very precarious situations. Jessica’s death is especially gripping, but the awesome POV shots also give those scenes a bit of a tongue-in-cheek feel, adding to all that charm I keep falling over myself for. I don’t even care what the monster looks like when all is revealed. Well played, Boogens. Well played.

UNKLE LANCIFER: The Title. Much like Smucker’s jelly, with a name like THE BOOGENS — it has to be good! I have to salute this wonderfully unique and creative name for a horror movie. Some unknown genius snatched something familiar from childhood fears (the “Boog” from “Boogeyman”) then streamlined and pluralized it to come up with something creepy, catchy and uniquely its own. I dig that it sounds like an incurable disease or a fearful feeling like the jitters or the heebie jeebies. I love that it is equal parts threatening and amusing because that is my favorite flavor of all time. It’s such a potent moniker that it even became a go-to punchline on the sitcom NEWHART (in one episode, the character of Michael (PETER SCOLARI) rejoices in the fact that a Fellini festival is finally over and has been replaced by THE BOOGENS. A later episode finds him telling his employer Joanne that she looks scarier than anything in THE BOOGENS). I’m also fond of its bedraggled cursive font that resembles a hastily painted warning sign suggesting unknown danger is ahead. I’m only sad I never got to see THE BOOGENS RETURN on a marquee.

UNK L: The Creatures. First time viewers are nearly unanimous when it comes to being somewhat disappointed by the titular monsters lack of screen-time and less than impressive ultimate reveal. I can’t say I blame them; the film does such a fine job of building them up in our imaginations throughout that their rubbery puppet appearance can be a bit of a sobering let down. That said, once you embrace the clawed, tentacled turtles as simply the humble victims of a limited budget, you kind of have to love them (even if they strangely resemble Witchiepoo’s spider henchman from H.R. PUFF N’ STUFF). The little dudes are a big part of what makes THE BOOGENS so special. For the most part, the film chugs along not unlike your typical (albeit superior) early eighties slasher fare but once our little devils are exposed we’re in pure, squishy monster movie territory (think FIEND WITHOUT A FACE (1958) or ISLAND OF TERROR (1966)). That type of hybrid may not seem like such a big deal now but I can tell you from personal experience (I’ll never forget seeing THE BOOGENS in the theater) it was a blast of minty fresh air at the time (the same might be said of the previous year’s creature feature dancing to a slasher beat, HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP). Anyway, let’s just say if somebody made a BOOGENS stuffed animal I would buy it in an instant and if I were Santa Claus, a HUNGRY, HUNGRY BOOGENS game would be under every tree.

UNK L: The Dog. Hey, it’s Tiger, the greatest dog who ever lived! Sure, there are plenty of other adorable pooches that inhabit the horror genre (Muffin from FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2, Thor from BAD MOON, good ol’ misunderstood CUJO, et al.) but none are quite like unflappable Tiger. Animal rights activist should be smitten with THE BOOGENS because Tiger is presented not only as a sidekick or accessory but also as a fully developed character complete with his (or her?) own meaty storyline. We’re talking real acting chops here, folks! Tiger doesn’t have to resort to language to express wants, needs and fears; Tiger speaks loud and clear with facial expressions and eyeballs alone (and maybe a yelp or two). Tiger alone understands that danger is a foot and the Cassandra-esque canine’s warnings go unheeded to the peril of all involved. If only they had listened! Tiger may not survive the BOOGENS onslaught but that does not negate the puffy puppy’s persistent pluckiness! All hail Tiger!

UNK L: The Snow. I’ve probably mentioned this a million times before but I’ve really got a soft spot for snowbound horror films. They’re great all year round. In cold months you can commiserate along with the characters and in hot months they provide relief from the heat. THE BOOGENS, which was filmed in Colorado and Utah whips up a stark and snowy atmosphere under oppressive slate grey skies and it’s a movie I would not mind living in. The cabin in which most of the action takes place in is all kinds of old-school cozy and inviting and the same can be said for the local watering hole inhabited by counter-Hollywood, salt of the Earth types. The brisk weather also necessitates that all characters involved don exceptionally solid late seventies layered flannel and sweater ensembles. Yep, I’m into the whole look of this movie from the isolated, frigid landscape right down to REBECCA BALDING’s signature pageboy hairdo.

UNK L: The Novelization. This has to be one of my favorite literary adaptions of a horror movie (it’s only real competition would be OWEN WEST (aka DEAN KOONTZ)’s THE FUNHOUSE). It does a fantastic job of not only touching the bases covered in the film but expanding upon them as well. There are several additional interesting characters and a much more catastrophic climax. The mood is tense and grim throughout and the creatures themselves come alive in ways unachievable on film. There’s something almost LOVECRAFTian in the way the monsters squirm about on the page. They are described more as gelatinous blob-like entities and their multitudes and anatomy come across as way more convincing. I recommend you track this paperback down while it’s still relatively affordable. Much like the film, it’s perfect for delivering chills any time of year. The only thing more dog-eared than my copy is Tiger himself.

Name That TV Guide Ad! (Featuring: Are You in the House Alone? A TV Movie Compendium: 1964-1999 Edited by Amanda Reyes)

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NOTE: Today’s images come courtesy of our dear chum, TV movie historian extraordinaire Amanda Reyes. Amanda’s new book ARE YOU IN THE HOUSE ALONE? A TV MOVIE COMPENDIUM: 1964-1999 is available now and that strange weeping noise you can’t identify at night is probably your bookshelf begging for it. This book is the ultimate tribute to the TV movies that have had such a profound effect on our psyches and I’m not just saying that because I contributed a few pieces (You know I had to call out SALEM’S LOT for delivering me many a sleepless night). This book is jammed packed with TV movie goodness from the legendary to the obscure and Amanda’s retrospective to the small screen horror films of the late, great WES CRAVEN is worth the price alone. Buy this beauty HERE and plan to be fully occupied with essays, reviews and plenty of cool TV GUIDE ads for a long while.

For the Love of: The Mutilator (1984)

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UNKLE LANCIFER: Let’s all take a premature fall break and lovingly fawn over a horror jaunt like no other, Buddy Cooper’s 1984 slash-terpiece, THE MUTILATOR! To salute this bad boy properly I have secured the help of stalwart MUTILATOR super-fan Amanda Reyes of MADE FOR TV MAYHEM fame. Ya’ll know our pal Amanda is an expert when it comes to TV movies but it just so happens she’s a walking encyclopedia when it comes to slasher flicks too! You can’t talk to her about THE MUTILATOR without her eyeballs transforming into cartoon red hearts! I’ve seen it happen! Anyway, time’s a wastin’! Let’s get MUTILATING! Here are some of the reasons we love this special one of a kind flick so darn much…

AMANDA: Big Ed’s Motives: Although a good slasher film doesn’t need a backstory to be effective (the enigmatic Michael Myers in the original HALLOWEEN is probably the best example), sometimes understanding someone’s murderous motives adds an unexpected layer to the film. PROM NIGHT probably did it best in terms of crafting a sincerely sympathetic killer; and while I doubt anyone feels sorry for Big Ed in THE MUTILATOR, there is definitely an element of “Oh yeah, I understand.” Big Ed loves his wife, Little Ed blows her away. Big Ed gets mad. Little Ed’s friends are collateral damage. No big whoop.

AMANDA (cont.): Honestly, the opening of THE MUTILATOR lays out a really complex story about a boy who did something really horrible (accidentally, sure, but still), and the trauma that follows the surviving family members. What makes the whole slice and dice somewhat gratifying is that we know why Big Ed is on the prowl. Look, I don’t condone it, but Big Ed, I get you.

LANCIFER: Super Hero Pam: We need to talk about Pam as portrayed by Ruth Martinez. I’m going to go out of my way not to use the term “final girl” because it’s inadequate and semi-condescending. Pam is not some meek goody-goody who cautiously squirms her way toward survival; Pam is the boss of everything and everyone and the obvious lone master of her own fate. If anything, Ed Jr. is the “final-boy.” He’s the one with all the psychological baggage to unpack due to his unresolved guilt over accidently killing his mother while cleaning his father’s gun in the mega-Freudian pre-credits sequence. Not to be too spoiler-y but the way I remember it, Pam not only saves Ed Jr.’s life but she also quite literally carries him through the film’s climax. She’s his knight in pony-tailed armor and basically has to push him aside to kill his dragon for him because he’s taking too long. She even drags his sorry ass to the hospital afterwards! I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a deleted scene in which she jumped into scrubs, threw on some rubber gloves, mended his wounds and sewed him back together too. That’s not even mentioning her jaunty cap, signature vest and candy apple shades, Pam’s got style to spare.

AMANDA: The Shed of Death: There are just some places that are meant for doom. Look at the barn in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3, and the Shed of Death in THE MUTILATOR. What is so compelling about Big Ed’s toolshed that everyone feels so damn duty-bound to visit it? This locale works out well since it just happens to be Big Ed’s headquarters. Want to catch Ed sleeping with his battle-ax? Visit the shed. Arguably, this spot is equally as creepy as his war-torn vacation home, which is full of all sorts of dark treasures (remember when he ran over someone with a speedboat and then photographed and framed it?!?). But the tools of death and destruction run rampant in that shed. Everything from an outboard motor to metal spikes to that really horrifying and controversial fishing gaff can be found, so it works out well that everyone who is anyone finds their way into Ed’s mutilation workshop. Works out well for the audience, I mean, not so much for the victims!

LANCIFER: The Location: I really adore THE MUTILATOR’s oceanfront location. It feels so familiar to me. I know it was entirely filmed in Atlantic Beach, North Carolina but I can’t help but think of a friend of mine’s house in Long Beach Island, New Jersey. I would not set foot in such a place during the summer but it’s one of my favorite places on Earth off-season. There’s this dreamy end of the world atmosphere everywhere and it’s so spooky walking the streets with nary a car around. Director Buddy Cooper does such a great job capturing the quiet eeriness of an abandoned beach at night where you can barely see five feet ahead of you and you almost feel like you’re walking on the moon. Plus the guy deserves serious praise for making a rather small house feel like an expansive maze-like mansion you could get lost in. Kudos, Buddy!

AMANDA: That line: “I’m going to set a new high score on video machine.” That line has to be one of my all time favorite things ever. There’s something so beautiful about the all-purpose and somewhat odd dialog which is followed by dramatic pauses throughout THE MUTILATOR. While the premise is dark and possibly allegorical, there’s no flowery metaphors in the line readings as this film heads from point A to B in much the same way a Ferrari goes from zero to sixty. And it’s wonderful in all of its un-ironic, unpretentious glory.

AMANDA (cont.): This line is also delivered by the lovely Frances Raines, who made several low budget films throughout the eighties before she basically disappeared from the face of the earth (according to IMDb she is happily married with a son… yay!). This isn’t her best role, that would probably be the even more surreal DISCONNECTED, but she’s totally adorable and I’d love to join her for a game of video machine if she’ll have me.

LANCIFER: Nothing to do with the film itself but I have to tip my hat to THE MUTILATOR’s striking poster! It’s one of my all time favorites and I think the depiction of such a dark concept (four victims hung on a wall, one alarmed at the prospect of getting gutted by a giant hook) being presented in such bright bubbly primary colors perfectly captures the film’s contrasting nature. Seriously, I can’t think of many films that swing so swiftly from light-heartedly goofy to unsettlingly sadistic, can you? I’m also going to admit serious affection for the earlier and more folksy and raw FALL BREAK art because it sports similar counter intuitive hues and there’s something so off about it that it looks like it may have been drawn by the film’s psychotic killer himself.

AMANDA: Morey, Morey, MOREY: Truth: It was incredibly hard for me to pick just one character to talk about (hence, Frances above, Morey here and some more characters below). Morey Lampley, who plays the ill-fated Mike in THE MUTILATOR, never made another film. Whether or not he was buddies with the filmmakers, or simply auditioned for the role is unknown to me. In fact, pretty much anything aside from his character’s brutal death by outboard motor remains a riddle wrapped up in a mystery inside an enigma. And maybe that intrigue is part of why I sometimes find myself skimming the net, looking for any piece of info I can unravel on the lanky blonde victim.

AMANDA (cont.): There’s something hypnotic about Morey stalking the grounds of what looks like a closed down amusement park, quoting lines from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. But it’s really mostly during his death scene, which is probably the second most violent one in the film (the first being the infamous fishhook scene, which is almost too nasty for its own good). Although he only registers a sense of mild discomfort during the actual act of the killing, his body is completely mutilated (hence the title, I suppose) in the full body shot. The combination of moderate distress and the utter brutality of the attack actually haunted me upon my first viewing of it. Since then, I’ve grown to love Morey’s big smile and goofy dialog delivery. He should have been a contender in the slasher movie world!

LANCIFER: Those Savage Kills: Speaking of THE MUTILATOR’s semi-surprising sadistic streak; it’s fitting this fine film was recently released by my heroes over at ARROW because it makes such a great companion for another recent offering of theirs, the fabulous BLOOD RAGE. Both of these eighties babies share a similar Ying/Yang, giddy/gory, goofy/grim dichotomy. THE MUTILATOR has got to be the zaniest, most jovial film to ever feature decapitation and strongly implied genital mutilation by way of an oversized fishhook. I love to be taken off guard like that! I love to find myself mirthfully giggling one minute and then all the sudden…record scratch sound…I’m being pushed towards feeling queasy and genuinely disturbed. Like BLOOD RAGE in its unadulterated form, THE MUTILATOR delivers the frothy splatter slasher fans crave and it does so in a way most modern horror films fail to. I know you don’t need bloodshed to make a horror movie good but it certainly helps to make a party picture that you can enjoy with your more rambunctious friends. Not that you can’t enjoy it by yourself with the invisible friends in your head. I do.

AMANDA: Couple at the convenience store: Remember when I said it was really difficult for me to narrow down one cast member to give some love to? That extends to the very limited supporting crew of locals who add just the right touch of extra flavor to an already piquant tale of madness and mutilation! The couple featured at the convenience store featured in the opening credits appear to be non-actors who are having a ball with their short but humorous scene where they let Ralph talk himself into buy an extra case of beer.

AMANDA (cont.): There are two notable things about this scene. One is that it would seem Ralph believes that two six packs will be enough liquor to get him and his five friends through a week at the beach! The second amazing thing I noticed is that couple does not appear to know exactly where they are. When we first see the woman, she is obviously waiting for a cue before she moves. The actor playing the cashier has a half smile through the entire scene. The overall effect is charming because, inevitably, this regionally produced shocker is all about heart… even if the heart in question is the one being ripped out of your chest. It’s love.

AMANDA (cont.): Addendum: I may be the biggest MUTILATOR fan I know. I first saw this movie on a date back in the early nineties and was way more impressed with it than I was with my date. I found it on VHS a few years later and it became a regular spin for me, especially in the later nineties when I worked graveyard and needed to unwind at 8 a.m. This, along with PIECES, were movies I loved to watch while falling asleep (lord knows why), and have become like a comfy afghan that keeps me company on the cold nights of life.

AMANDA (cont.): Recently, the director, Buddy Cooper emerged when there was an announcement that a Blu-Ray release was on the horizon. His facebook page (HERE) is an amazing space to get a real behind the scenes look at the film, and it’s also where he sells some memorabilia, and interacts with fans. So charmed by Buddy and Big Ed, I currently own six posters (3 for THE MUTILATOR proper and 3 for the alternate title FALL BREAK), two copies of the FALL BREAK song on 45 (in all my life I never thought I’d have that), and several continuity Polaroids and storyboard sketches. They are all treasured items that look so good next to my gorgeous Blu-Ray copy of THE MUTILATOR. The feature length making of documentary extra confirms that this film was indeed a labor of love, made by people simply looking to produce a good movie and have a good time along the way. I love this movie so much, I feel like I could go on forever, but I think between Lancifer and myself, we’ve got the bases covered!

LANCIFER: That Song: No post about THE MUTILATOR would be complete without mentioning its theme song. I’m just going to come right out and say it’s genius. It’s somehow perfectly fitting and totally inappropriate at the same time. It is inescapably eighties sounding through and through and its point blank storytelling nature has a familiar super-catchy sitcom opening theme allure. It describes in loving detail that time of year when summer has died and the weather has cooled and you’re mentally preparing for the long haul hibernation of winter but you’re just not ready for it yet and so you go skinny-dipping possibly after an ill-advised amount of alcohol consumption. How it never became a number one hit across the country, I’ll never know. I’m sure for many, the moment that this song starts near the beginning of the film, is the exact moment they knew they were about to watch something special. Most importantly singer Peter Yellen’s repeated refrain that, “We’re going to have a good time” is a sung promise that THE MUTILATOR never fails to keep. Truly, if you let this movie fall into your arms, it’s going to break into your heart.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Turn On Your TV: The Top Ten Shark Attack Movies By Amanda Reyes

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That Was Then: I originally wrote this article in 2008 for a website that is no more. Since then, Asylum Films has literally vomited up a new breed of direct-to-video shark movies. And while I do not care for their output, I do appreciate the cold hard fact that it is impossible to keep a good killer fish down. With that in mind, I feel fairly confident that I wouldn’t change too much about what I wrote (although I did add an addendum and tweaked my original piece a bit to release it of some unfortunate jibes… I was far more bitter in 2008, apparently). Also, I should note, at this point, I had missed a classic or two that probably should have made the list. I’ve already been scolded for omitting Mako: The Jaws of Death (1976), so please that keep that mind!

And away we go…

People have always been fascinated with sharks, although film audiences may not have recognized that until 1974 when Steven Spielberg’s Jaws was released. The film was so popular that the term blockbuster was created to define its chartbusting success. Since then, many a filmmaker has tried their hand at undersea terror.

The stories generally remained the same, even if the creatures changed. Piranha 2 for example, follows the blueprint of Jaws almost verbatim but instead we get tiny but toothy flying fish. OK, so that one didn’t really work out (don’t misunderstand me though, I love that movie!) and truth be told, it was the shark movies people kept coming back to. Jaws itself spawned three sequels and countless rip-offs that continue to this day. And, since we are #2 on the old food chain, why not sink your teeth into some of the best, and some of the not-the-best-but-pretty-damn-fun shark movies ever imprinted on celluloid?

1. Jaws (1975) – Without a doubt, Jaws is the greatest shark film ever made and one of the most cherished horror films of our time. The success of Jaws is partially due to the fact that it transcends the typical man vs. nature plot and becomes a human drama about men facing their fascination, fears and objects of revenge. If you haven’t seen this film then you’ve either been living under a rock, or have a terrible fear of sharks. Essential viewing for anyone who loves great filmmaking.

2. Jaws 2 (1978) – However, Jaws 2 was probably not made for lovers of great filmmaking, but fans still ate it up. It never comes close to being better than its predecessor but as a lover of slasher films, I find that this movie is basically a version of Friday the 13th featuring a shark as an unstoppable killer. We’ve got beer guzzling teens, girls in cut off shorts, isolation and one scary creature! Made purely for the love of entertainment, this movie succeeds at that on every level. (Confession: I watch Jaws 2 way more than the original. It’s how I roll.)

3. Open Water (2003) – Yeah, yeah, yeah, Open Water is not really a shark movie, it’s a metaphor about the disintegration of a marriage and about how self-importance can lead to one’s downfall. But let’s face it, that’s not what drove the masses to the Cineplex. We came to see lots of sharks terrorize a good-looking couple that find themselves cast away into the brutal ocean. The mixture of art and horror works beautifully and it made Open Water one of the most thoroughly haunting pieces of guerrilla filmmaking I have ever seen.

4. Shark Attack 3 (2002) – To date, this is the mutha of Megaladon movies and is also the best entry in the Shark Attack series. It’s a non-stop ride for fans of MST3K and is not without its share of surprises either. One of the best lines ever put in a movie is here and it’s a doozy. And the awesomely bad CGI only adds to its charm.

5. Deep Blue Sea (1999) – High budget Hollywood all the way, Deep Blue Sea is one of the few films in the recent onslaught of shark movies that made its way into the theaters (recent being relative of course, I forgot this movie came out in the 90s!). It’s certainly one of the better nature gone amok films of recent memory and frankly was far more entertaining than most people gave it credit for. It’s deliciously over the top, especially Stellan Skarsgard’s hilariously serious performance, and it has enough truly suspenseful moments that it just had to make the list (Hollywood haters be damned!). Plus its got the beautiful Thomas Jane proving that he’s often a bit better than the material he’s saddled with.

6. Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) – This made for TV movie is just great. OK, it’s not ‘great’ by normal standards, but it’s far cheekier and more entertaining than most TVMs of late. There was no reason for CBS to have aired this, since their audiences seem drawn to cerebral police procedural fare. But hey, slap a bikini on a couple of pretty girls, sink some CGI teeth into a few obnoxious teens, and somehow convince Bryan Brown to show up for a small cameo and you’ve got yourself a winner!

7. Blue Demon (2004) – It’s a dream come true! A shark attack comedy. I mean it’s an intentional comedy! And it’s actually funny! Although not well received when it was released (PG13 shark movies are usually a no-no), there are enough funny moments, including an incredibly hilarious turn by Jeff Fahey that the admittedly bad CGI doesn’t hurt nearly as much.

8. Up From the Depths (1979) – Well, it’s a monster fish and not really a shark, but I qualified it because it’s just too much fun not to mention. Made for the drive-in audiences of the 70s, this is a pure popcorn thriller complete with a giant gilled fiend that can attack in three feet of water! Check out the older couple blaming the hotel manager for ruining their good time when he tries to rescue them from a con artist! Good stuff.

9. Cruel Jaws (1995) – OK, this movie gets points for ripping off every shark movie ever made. I don’t merely mean they lift the story either – they plagiarize dialog, music and re-use footage (most of the extra footage came from L’ultimo Squalo aka The Last Shark)! If you’re a shark attack movie connoisseur you’re sure to pick out every pilfered moment – and you’ll love every second of it!

10. Shark Attack 2 (2000) – OK, it’s not quite as jaw dropping as Shark Attack III, but there are enough what-the-heck moments to make it one of the more entertaining attack films to have been released of late. The best scene features our heroes, who, supposedly beside themselves with worry about the killer sharks, take time for a sightseeing tour of the island! Good times.

Honorable Mentions:

Dark Waters (2003) – This didn’t quite make the list, but I have to include any Lorenzo Lamas extravaganza featuring our brunette beefcake going toe to fin with some killer fishes. It’s a surprisingly engaging film. Or I’m an easy sell.

Megaladon (2002) – This is a serious attempt at making a suspenseful shark attack movie and minus the utterly horrible special effects, it’s actually a very good little film. The acting is top notch; it’s just too bad the shark looks a bit like Jabberjaw. Still, it’s not a bad way to kill an evening.

L’ultimo Squalo (aka The Last Shark, 1981) – Just because James Franciscus is so cute.

This is Now: Well, it’s 2014 and here I am reliving my favorite shark moments, and wondering if I’ve missed anything. Since I wrote this I have seen Mediterranean Shark Attack (2004), Sharks in Venice (2008) Shark Night 3D (2011), and Bait (2012), all of which I’ve enjoyed on some level (and I’m wondering why I haven’t seen The Reef (2010)… and I still haven’t seen Jaws of Death either! Argh!). Of those, I think only Bait would make a new top 10, but since I’m a sucker for the toothy water creatures, I will add them all to the honorable mentions list. I’m like that – everyone gets an award!



Kinder-Link:: Horror at 37,000 Feet Party at Made For TV Mayhem

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UNK SEZ: I hope everybody packed a lunch today because we are taking a field trip over to MADE FOR TV MAYHEM where our old pal AMANDA BY NIGHT is hosting a party celebrating the highly anticipated DVD release of the TV movie classic HORROR AT 37,000 FEET (Kinder-review HERE)! In celebration, Amanda has compiled a fantastic list of ten of her favorite TV movie OMG moments just for you! Please hand me your parent-signed permission slips as you get on the bus and no monkey business! Stop singing “One hundred bottles of beer on the wall”! We’re HERE!

Valerie Harper Blogathon:: Don’t Go To Sleep!!!

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When pal Amanda by Night (of Made For TV Mayhem) invited Kindertrauma to join in on the VALERIE HARPER BLOGATHON she was orchestrating, we could not possibly refuse. Fact is, although she is better known for many other gigs, HARPER starred in what is simply the best (and most kindertraumatic!) made-for-television horror flick of the slash-happy eighties. Yes, once again I am talking about DON’T GO TO SLEEP! If you’re not familiar with that title then I beg you to yank your horror-head out of the zombie sand and give it a look-see. You will not be sorry. Having covered this one before you may think I have nothing more to say, but you’d be wrong because I have yet to give this gem the “five favorite things” treatment. Here are my five favorite things about DON’T GO TO SLEEP…

THE OPENING CREDITS! Right out the starting gate DON’T GO TO SLEEP is humming it’s own quirky tune. Black and white title cards flash and they’re so low-tech shaky you might think you’ve stumbled upon a home movie of a camping trip. Lullaby music box chirpings blast and then are cut off indiscriminately by the sound of whooshing traffic. This happens again and again throughout the prelude. I’m sure that somebody missed the effect that they were going for by a couple of miles but the resulting awkwardness of the overreach must be superior to what they were aiming for anyway. It’s slapdash, makeshift and yet still sets an appropriate mood. This movie is all about the treacly chimes of childhood being upset by jagged blasts of harsh, startling reality.

THE DIRECTION! Made for TV movies have their own set of advantages and disadvantages compared to their theatrical counterparts. Sometimes the unavoidable restraints can result in a static affair or the director not having as much leeway to express himself visually. This is not the case here. RICHARD LANK (who also steered 1978’s effectively eerie NIGHT CRIES) has a field day playing with bizarre angles, distorted perspectives and unusual POV shots. I think he may even have invented the flying lizard cam and the rolling pizza cutter cam. Prime time doesn’t allow for much gore but LANK moves ahead undaunted. Rather than show a head smashing into the driveway, he quickly cuts to a watermelon being dropped and bursting apart upon the kitchen floor. Message received loud and clear!

THE CLOSING! What better gift to leave your audience than a final image branded into their horrified brains for all eternity? DON’T GO TO SLEEP does just that in a seemingly effortless way without resorting to bells and whistles and elaborate effects. Much like SATAN’S TRIANGLE (in my mind, the greatest made for TV movie of the supernatural seventies), DON’T places its final winning card on the preternatural power of one enigmatic Cheshire smile. The maniacal faux-sweet image actually appears several times throughout the film but its final presentation is so gruesomely uncanny that it’s difficult to shake or even interpret why it’s so effective. I seriously believed for years that a skull was superimposed upon the image a’la Norman Bates in PSYCHO, but I guess that was my imagination! True cinematic alchemy!

THE STRAIGHTJACKET! I’m sorry but it’s satisfying to see anybody who was in the movie ANNIE wind up in a straight jacket!

THE CAST! Are you kidding me? DUEL’s DENNIS WEAVER, ROSEMARY’S BABY’s RUTH GORDON and POLTERGEIST’S OLIVER ROBINS! It’s a horror fan’s dream team! Both ROBIN IGNICO as Mary and KRISTIN CUMMING as Jennifer excel where most child actors would have failed. And then there’s VALARIE HARPER who we are specifically honoring today. I’m thinking DON’T GO TO SLEEP may not exactly be the highlight of her long career but yes, of course, she brings everything she’s got regardless. I love her and WEAVER together tackling screaming matches like they’re in WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? and ad-libbing under their breath whenever they damn well feel like it. I’m sure some folks have a hard time seeing past the campy surface but to me, that’s just one layer out of zillions. They don’t make ‘em like this anymore and what a shame.

DON’T GO TO SLEEP is a lively watch but it never shirks from the subject of death and grieving, topics that the horror genre is especially fit to explore. It’s easy to forget that as modern horror continues to be corralled toward action/comic book power fantasies instead. I say don’t feel bad for VALERIE HARPER; she’s not going anyplace you’re not going too. As she faces whatever is next (total recovery says me), I stand more impressed with her wisdom than her bravery. She knows its not how you die but how you live that matters. “We’re all terminal” she says and there’s nothing truer than that. I think I’ll save my sorrow for someone less vividly alive, less admirably “awake”.

Dash O’ Trivia: Guess what VAL‘s last name is in DON”T GO TO SLEEP! Answer: Hogan! Wha-wha-what? This calls for some back up from Turnidoff!

Kinder-Quiz :: 10 Signs Your House Has The Hots For You!

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If you jump on over to MADE FOR TV MAYHEM, you will find our kinderpal Amanda By Night is currently celebrating one of her favorite made-for-TV movies, 1981’s THIS HOUSE POSSESSED with a week(s)-long investigation labeled THIS BLOG POSSESSED!

We here at Kindertrauma feel compelled to back up her enthusiasm because although THIS HOUSE commits the crime of indulging in the questionable musical stylings of one PARKER STEVENSON, it still stands as one of the most unusual haunted house flicks ever made. Just because I can’t make heads or tails of what takes place in the film does not mean I don’t like what I see.

One message that the movie conveys, that did not float over my head, is the idea that as nice as it may be to fall in love with a house, one thing you’d probably want to avoid is a house falling in love with you. There just doesn’t seem to be a way for such a thing to work out well, especially if said house is omni-powerful for no discernible reason.

In the interest of public safety, let’s take a closer look at some of the signs provided by THIS HOUSE POSSESSED that may indicate that your home may be harboring a super-bad psychotic crush on you.

For each “YES” answer below please add one point…

10. Is your house so in love with you that it scares fornicating teenagers off your lawn with an animated garden hose?

9. When your house watches TV, is it really just watching you at your job?

8. Does your house collect pictures of you as a child?

7. Does your house thwart your employer’s sexual advances with a fire alarm?

6. When your employer’s sometimes girlfriend comes to stay, does your house treat her to a shower of blood?

5. Have there been any instances of a librarian being crushed in the front gate of your property and being burned to death in her car?

4. Have any oldster doomsayers been boiled alive in your indoor pool?

3.Have you either come across a Raggedy Ann doll lately or accepted an offer to take a tandem bicycle ride with PARKER STEVENSON?

2. Has SLIM PICKENS offered to repair a mirror from your home and has the resulting outcome been an exploding mirror and a dead SLIM PICKENS?

1. Does your house have a pulsating chimney?

NOTE: Please now add three extra points if you are prone to writing important messages on stray napkins.

KINDER-QUIZ ANSWER KEY:
0 points or below: Sorry, but your house does not love you.
5 points or under: Your house thinks you are doable but not worth calling later.
6 points or over: Your house is in love with you. Dress accordingly.

UNK SEZ: For even more THIS HOUSE POSSESSED, check out our buddy VICAR OF VHS’ Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad review of it HERE and don’t forget to drop by MADE FOR TV MAYHEM!

Deadly Messages (1985)

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The Kindertrauma Castle just got HBO in anticipation of TRUE BLOOD, I have a stack of unwatched DVDs acquired from a horror convention and Netflix Streaming continues to taunt me with its well of obscurities so why do I, when the world’s asleep, continue to slide down the YouTube flume? It’s just that there is so much hiding out in that joint that you can’t find anywhere else! Physical copies of many of these gems are hard to come by and I’ve learned the hard way that anything found on YouTube must be quickly viewed as it could disappear back into the nowhere zone forever without warning. Now that so many once elusive titles are just a click away from your door, YouTube is like the last uncharted forest for those of us who remember and mourn the thrill of the hunt. Television movies especially sing to me like sirens and stumbling across a good one that I’ve missed is like stepping into a comfy time portal.

Going into DEADLY MESSAGES (1985) all I knew was that it stared that lady from ARE YOU IN THE HOUSE ALONE? (KATHLEEN BELLER) and it involved a Ouija board. No gamble there, by merely existing this movie poured milk on my flakes. How could I resist such an innocuous title? DEADLY MESSAGES is just too perfect. BELLER is Laura Daniels, a deliciously spazzy sprite who witnesses a murder and is routinely dismissed by the police. No matter how many times a guy with a hunting knife attacks her, there’s just never enough evidence from the encounter for anyone to not think she’s a hysterical nut. Confiding in her Ouija board provides little solace, as the planchette seems to side with her stalker by saying, “I am going to kill you!” All of this is pretty routine and vaguely hilarious and thankfully takes place during the Christmas season.

Then things take a turn for the amazing. Laura is fired from her job when none of her references pan out and then her long-suffering boyfriend Michael (MICHAEL BRANDON) is told by her doctor that during a brain scan it was discovered that she has been the recipient of shock therapy! Michael confronts her with this info in a restaurant decorated with ROBERT LONGO paintings but she, with her shirtsleeve dangling in spaghetti, insists she has no idea what he is talking about. Next, at a bookstore Michael discovers a series of Nancy Drew like mystery books with a heroine named Laura Daniels. All of the fictional character’s exploits resemble the stories he’s been told by Laura and it appears her entire identity is a big fat lie! Laura insists that she is on the up and up but when her investigation leads her to a mental hospital and the head nurse greets her with “Welcome home!” it’s obvious that the person who knows the least about Laura is she herself (the revelation in considered alarming enough to warrant the coveted HITCHCOCK zoom. ) There’s an explanation of sorts but you’re not getting it from me.

What can I tell you, DEADLY MESSAGES is as silly and implausible as the day is long. I don’t care because it’s damn entertaining too. It makes perfect sense to me that the director (JACK BENDER) and writer (WILLIAM BLEICH) went on to do the superior T.V. movie THE MIDNIGHT HOUR too. Both films have a very cinematic feel for something made for the small screen and are host to loads of splendid atmosphere. As DEADLY MESSSAGES plows towards its climax it’s all howling winds, blowing leaves and over the top musical cues and who can ask for more? It neatly transforms into a different type of movie altogether and I was kind of stunned that something so typical at the starting gate ended up so wonderfully off the wall and quirky. Considering its somewhat hokey woman in peril premise it impresses with several aggressive set pieces, a sneaky sense of humor and a penchant for keeping the viewer guessing. Cliches abound (including DENNIS FRANZ showing up as a cop!) but DEADLY MESSAGES is most fun when it refuses to go by the book.

NOTE: For even more on DEADLY MESSAGES jump on over to TV movie central, our pal AMANDA BY NIGHT‘s MADE FOR TV MAYHEM!

Special Report :: Amanda By Night Uncovers The Rape of Monroe!

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UNK SEZ: When situation comedies transform into situation trauma-dies it’s time to call for backup! Let us now join intrepid roving reporter/T.V. aficionado AMANDA BY NIGHT of MADE FOR TV MAYHEM as she investigates the elusive but not elusive enough for my comfort TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT episode “For Every Man, There’s Two Women”…

The Night Monroe was Rah-Rah-Rah-Raped!!!

Like many urban legends, the infamous TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT featuring Monroe’s rape is a bit like the alligator in the sewer or having a kidney stolen. It’s one of those whispered things where you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who saw it. The fifth season episode of TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT titled “For Every Man, There’s Two Women” should really be called “For Every Man, There’s One Woman and a Huge Guy in Drag”, but we’ll get to that. From what little I was able to garner about this episode, Ted Knight refused to do it during the fourth season, because he probably felt there was no place for it in such a lightweight sitcom (he was right), but he must have been coerced into it because it was finally shot and aired in November of 1985, during the fifth year of the show.

When TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT finished its original run and went into syndication, this controversial episode was dropped from its package and the world continued on as though Monroe (Jim J. Bullock) had never experienced any true acts of violence. As the years passed, and the internet became a great tool for connecting the hazy dots of childhood, the “Monroe rape” episode began to catch some attention. I came to know about it through the excellent site THE RETROIST, and I became almost as obsessed with seeing it as the person running that site did. My timing was a bit better though because I had much less of a wait. The greatest T.V. station in the world, Antenna TV had been airing TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT and I began to monitor the episodes more closely. Lo and behold, they actually re-ran it last week!

If I had not been prepared for what I was about to see, I’m not sure how I would have reacted. The canned laughter at the male rape jokes was disturbingly reminiscent of that crazy Rodney Dangerfield segment of NATURAL BORN KILLERS and I felt like I was watching a sick parody of the show (it should be noted the R word is never used). Monroe reveals to everyone that he was abducted by two women and blindfolded in the back of a van while the “big one” sat on him. They took him back to their place and had their way with him all night. The joke about breaking his beeper elicits a round of applause from the laugh track machine. The female leads act completely out of character, tossing about insulting remarks about rape and in general, stereotyping men and sex while giving Monroe not one iota of sympathy.

Jackie (Debra Van Valkenburgh) finally admits that she just simply doesn’t know how to react, which may be the most honest moment of the show (and probably was the exact feeling the actress had when she read the script). The women on the show seem frustrated and disgustingly nonchalant about the whole ordeal. They mostly disappear after the first half and after a much needed commercial break, this becomes Monroe and Henry’s show as they head off to confront Monroe’s attackers. Henry (Ted Knight) comes off a lot better, but he bounces around from being thoughtful and concerned to acting bothered because Monroe interrupted Henry and Muriel (Nancy Dussault) during a tryst. Apparently dealing with a rape victim all day must make you all hot and stuff.

Once they get to the women’s apartment, the audience is treated to an overweight woman aggressively forcing herself on Henry and a giant man in drag. The first woman is credited simply as Charlene and the drag queen has no credit at all, making the whole affair even more disturbed. Does this gargantuan man still walk the streets and could I possibly be hanging out in a bar one night and overhear, “Yeah, I played one of Monroe’s rapists.” It’s enough to make me never leave the house again!

This infamous episode aired just months after the made for TV movie THE RAPE OF RICHARD BACK which is a Golden Globe nominated film starring Richard Crenna as a gruff cop who is assaulted by an even gruffer assailant. If I wasn’t going to laugh at Mr. Beck’s horrifying encounter, why did the crew behind this TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT think anyone would be chuckling at Monroe’s unfortunate evening of violence? Seriously, guys. 1985 was all kinds of awesome, but this is really reaching into neon-dripping madness! When I think about male rape in pop culture (I know, why should I be thinking about that?!?), I recall stuff like OZ and DELIVERANCE… you know… stuff that isn’t funny. Now that this demented episode has recently re-aired – for the first time in years – some beautiful soul took the time to upload it onto YouTube! Those of you who caught Monroe’s rape during the original run can now relive the nightmare while us newbies can create new, lurid memories of our own. Sweet dreams!