If you jump on over to MADE FOR TV MAYHEM, you will find our kinderpal Amanda By Night is currently celebrating one of her favorite made-for-TV movies, 1981's THIS HOUSE POSSESSED with a week(s)-long investigation labeled THIS BLOG POSSESSED!
We here at Kindertrauma feel compelled to back up her enthusiasm because although THIS HOUSE commits the crime of indulging in the questionable musical stylings of one PARKER STEVENSON, it still stands as one of the most unusual haunted house flicks ever made. Just because I can't make heads or tails of what takes place in the film does not mean I don't like what I see.
One message that the movie conveys, that did not float over my head, is the idea that as nice as it may be to fall in love with a house, one thing you'd probably want to avoid is a house falling in love with you. There just doesn't seem to be a way for such a thing to work out well, especially if said house is omni-powerful for no discernible reason.
In the interest of public safety, let's take a closer look at some of the signs provided by THIS HOUSE POSSESSED that may indicate that your home may be harboring a super-bad psychotic crush on you.
For each "YES" answer below please add one point…
10. Is your house so in love with you that it scares fornicating teenagers off your lawn with an animated garden hose?
9. When your house watches TV, is it really just watching you at your job?
8. Does your house collect pictures of you as a child?
7. Does your house thwart your employer's sexual advances with a fire alarm?
6. When your employer's sometimes girlfriend comes to stay, does your house treat her to a shower of blood?
5. Have there been any instances of a librarian being crushed in the front gate of your property and being burned to death in her car?
4. Have any oldster doomsayers been boiled alive in your indoor pool?
3.Have you either come across a Raggedy Ann doll lately or accepted an offer to take a tandem bicycle ride with PARKER STEVENSON?
2. Has SLIM PICKENS offered to repair a mirror from your home and has the resulting outcome been an exploding mirror and a dead SLIM PICKENS?
1. Does your house have a pulsating chimney?
NOTE: Please now add three extra points if you are prone to writing important messages on stray napkins.
KINDER-QUIZ ANSWER KEY:
0 points or below: Sorry, but your house does not love you.
5 points or under: Your house thinks you are doable but not worth calling later.
6 points or over: Your house is in love with you. Dress accordingly.