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Children Of The Corn 4: The Gathering

July 26th, 2008 · 2 Comments

As a horror franchise CHILDREN OF THE CORN hit the ground stumbling. Even though the first film was a financial success, and a frequently admitted traumitizer, it didn’t exactly wow critics or fans of STEPHEN KING‘s short story. Its follow up took nearly a decade to reach the screen, an eternity in the world of sequels and was received with a similar level of initial excitement followed by apathetic shoulder shrugging. The mid-nineties found Dimension films steering the plow and a new straight-to-DVD installment was delivered to video shelves on a nearly yearly basis. Considering the series’ humble origins, the fact that these films were even remotely watchable would be a badge of honor in my book. I have to admit to having a soft spot for some of these low budget cash-ins; case in point, CHILDREN OF THE CORN 4: THE GATHERING which can be viewed as a stand alone film or as an offshoot of the saga. Dropped is the big bad “He who walks behind the rows” (a scene that mentions the notorious “He” was apparently edited out) but c’mon, you still got killer kids, a creepy preacher tot and loads of corn, so I say close enough. This installment does a pretty good job of creating likable characters and workable scare scenarios, and I give it additional props for providing some old school gore to boot. As far as heroines go, you’re not going to do much better then a pre-fame NAOMI WATTS as Grace Roads, a med student who returns home to look after her mother who is having a hard time in the not going crazy department. The fact that the agoraphobic, nightmare-haunted mother is played by the one and only KAREN BLACK doesn’t hurt one bit either. Sure, you’re sort of going through the motions with some of this but, hey, when those motions include flying scythes and hypodermic needles I don’t complain. One scene that involves two elderly women explaining the origins of the evil preacher kid is genuinely unsettling. Filmed in near candle light, the crusty ladies’ faces disappear into blackness as they regale their tale in witchy tones and I don’t know what to tell ya, but it works for me. We may not be talking unheralded classic here, but I was surprised by how wrapped up I got in this simple but entertaining killer-kid flick. I say grab a couch and give it a whirl, like a good made-for-television flick or a campfire ghost story, it doesn’t waste time babbling about non essentials or trying to reinvent the wheel. It might not be NAOMI WATTS‘ finest hour and twenty-three minutes, but I’ll take it over THE RING 2 any day of the week.

  • The murder of the drunk in the barn, an early sign that the film is willing to go further than you think
  • I have to admit there are too many false nightmare scares in this movie, but the one that involves a flash of the killer kid walking in on some kind of crazy stilt legs is all sorts of startling
  • The Doctor’s demise by the demonic twins
  • The bloody scythe coming out of the floor
  • The two old broads and their old-timey photo that cried blood are creepy as hell…

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The Creepy Kids Of The X-Files

July 14th, 2008 · 8 Comments

Has it really been 15 years since THE X-FILES originally premiered? The first time we received a TRAUMAFESSION regarding the show, my initial thought was that its author didn’t understand the concept behind KINDERTRAUMA. “These are supposed to be memories from your childhood!” I thought. Then I did some quick math in my head and experienced an extreme case of accelerated decrepitude. Between you and me, I was so shocked that I grew an instantaneous long grey beard and developed the need for a cane. Regardless, for many people of variant ages, THE X FILES was one of the greatest things that ever happened to television. Maybe not every fan stuck around for the series’ entire run but in it’s heyday, CHRIS CARTER‘s creation proved that the small tube was well able to carry ideas and indeed characters that far surpassed in complexity those that could usually be found in movie theaters. In its nine year run the show also proved time and again that when it wanted to be scary it could easily blow your socks off. I’m sure we’ll be getting many more TRAUMAFESSIONS concerning the series in the years to come. Holy crap, who can forget the episode “Squeeze” and the slippery, body morphing evolutionary freakazoid Eugene Tooms? Certainly not me!

Throughout its T.V. tenure, THE X-FILES had the opportunity to investigate just about every known and unknown monstrosity that lies within the human subconscious and yes, the show did indulge us with several episodes concerning “creepy kids.” The best example can be found in it’s very first season in an episode entitled “Eve,” in which our trusted agents investigate the death of a little girl’s father whose demise resembles a traditional alien cattle mutilation. Upon inspection it is learned that a similar unexplained bloodletting happened at the exact same time 3,000 miles away. Stranger still is the fact that that victim’s daughter is a dead ringer for the first little girl. Secret experimental cloning is involved and the mastermind behind the ungodly deeds is one Dr. Sally Kendrick played to the hilt by serious force of nature HARRIET SANSOM HARRIS. (The band EVE6 is actually named after one of this character’s psychotic clones). It turns out that the adult Eves (apparently there are Adams running around as well) are the least of Mulder and Scully’s problems, the two aforementioned little girls are not only near geniuses and psychically linked, but also homicidal soda spikers as well. The episode rather brilliantly leads the viewer down several false paths before revealing the true nature of its threat and ends on a truly ominous note that involves the girls’ catch phrase, “We just knew.”

The two young actresses ERIKA and SABRINA KRIEVENS who were 9 at the time of filming and YIKES, 24 today, are small marvels that bring to mind tiny bookend LILY TAYLORs. Unlike most creepy kid’s patented cold as ice deliveries, there is a routinely smirky tone to their performances that make you think they just love the evil they are partaking in. There are many outstanding stand alone X-FILES episodes, but few are as entertaining as this first season calling card.

Another far less successful creepy kid episode appears in the same season; “Born Again” brings us a little girl who is in actuality the reincarnation of wronged police officer who is out for revenge. Although she does sport some nifty CARRIE-type telekinetic powers, compared to the earlier “Eve,” this is all pretty humdrum. Highlights include death by scarf caught in bus door (have we done a death by scarf list yet?), an appearance by Janice from FRIENDS as an annoying cop who looks like AMY WINEHOUSE and a television image recording of the last thing a guy saw when he was being drowned in a fish tank (so why is the plastic diver suit guy not upside down?). The climax is filmed in a sort of herky jerky and mostly sloppy supernatural reenactment show style that THE X FILES had already outgrown at this point. It’s not a total disaster, but it is comparably skippable.

Season five brought a much-ballyhooed episode written by STEPHEN KING. As a lowly blog beast, I find it hard, if not ridiculous, to critique a man who is quite simply the greatest figure in the realm of horror since…ever (sorry Poe, but you’re dead). And yet, this episode?…not exactly his best work. Even though it does open with the exciting premise of a vacation in Maine for overworked Scully, it’s got to be the most clichéd killer doll story ever created. THE TWILIGHT ZONE‘s “Talky Tina” (yea I thought it was “Talking Tina” too!) can rest easy on her throne. Scully and Mulder’s phone conversations are a hoot, but the damned doll’s “Let’s play” charge is knee-jerk at best. Add that the killings tend to take place whenever the hokey-pokey song plays and you got something really well…hokey. Sorry Mr. King I hope I’m still welcome over at the homestead for Thanksgiving!

Throughout its run THE X-FILES continued with some decidedly less threatening male kids; Season 5’s episode “The End,” the last one filmed in Vancouver (sob!), had a telepathic boy and season 9’s MOTW episode “Scary Monsters” introduced us to a kid who could conjure up any creature that popped into his head ala THE TWILIGHT ZONE classic “It’s a Good Life” with BILLY MUMY. All in all, as far as creepy kids go SCULLY and MULDER hit their peak in season one with those endurable Eve girls. Don’t believe me? I suggest you watch them all again and see for yourself, thanks to the fact that all nine seasons are available on DVD, the truth is out there.

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The Godsend

July 3rd, 2008 · 6 Comments

A young British family with three kids and a baby meet a creepy pregnant woman in the park. For some reason they allow the obviously oddball preggers dame (ANGELA PLEASENCE, DONALD’s DAUGHTER!!!) to follow them home. Once there she secretly destroys their phone and goes into labor. The next morning they discover the new mother has split the scene like a frat house one night stand and didn’t even bother to take her newborn with her. The family adopts and raises the baby as their own, and the child systematically kills all her siblings in order to get the full attention of the parents. Sounds pretty good huh? Well, it’s not. THE GODSEND has got to be one of the feeblest horror flicks ever made and chronically prunes away any and every possibility for a scare. If you were ever insane enough to fantasize about a G-rated thriller starring Mattel’s discontinued line of “Sunshine Family” dolls, where all the kills occur off screen and where most of the action takes place in gauzily filmed parks where birds chirp non-stop, then your dream and my nightmare has come true. Maybe they were going for a PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK meets SAVANNAH SMILES vibe or something. Whatever the intention was, the outcome, though watchable, is an exercise in cinematic passivity. Tons of interesting themes about sibling rivalry, preferential treatment, mixed families and, most especially, maternal mourning linger on the outskirts but are never allowed entry into this film. I could go along with the absence of blood if there was at least some attempt to delve into anything remotely unpleasant. This is like an Ivory soap commercial where every once in a while someone gets up and walks off screen and you’re told later that they died mysteriously. The little girl who plays the menace (at her oldest) WILHELMINA GREEN, is suitably Nazi-esque and evil looking, but 10,000 close ups of her staring into space like an inbred Persian cat provides little in the chill department. There is a climactic kill near the end involving somebody being pushed out a window but, trust me, it’s too little too late. At some point I realized that there was no kill aggressive enough to save what I had already witnessed and began praying for a nuclear bomb to drop instead. From what I’ve heard, the book THE GODSEND by BERNARD TAYLOR is actually a good read and delves much further into the psychological ramifications of witnessing your entire family wiped out in front of your eyes by some kid who got dumped in your lap. Hopefully, unlike the movie, it’s also brave enough to get its hands a little dirty.

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The Creepy Kids of Star Trek

July 1st, 2008 · 10 Comments

Let’s get this straight right off the bat, I’m not a Trekkie. My allegiance has always lied with the Galactica (c’mon, there was a monkey in an orange robot dog suit in it, what choice do I have?) Much of my resistance to GENE RODDENBERRY‘s creation had to do with the fact that when my brothers and I played STAR TREK, I always had to be “Bones” McCoy. (Actually I guess I chose to be the good doctor not knowing that it was such a lackluster, mostly phaser-less role). That being said, I have always had a fondness for an episode from S.T.‘s first season entitled “Miri” in which the gang visits a planet not unlike Earth, except that the adult population is dead and children rule. Needless to say, this episode has Kindertrauma written all over it. Actually it turns out that the kids are like 300 years old and because of some funky virus that was created, they age about a month in a hundred years. The down side is when you hit puberty, you get blue blotches all over you and turn into a whack job. Hold up a second, a “failed” experiment that lets you live 300 years? That sounds kind of like a successful experiment to me. So what if you turn into a crazy lunatic that spouts nonsense at some point, that would have happened when you got old anyway! Characteristically mac daddy Captain Kirk and company set out to “cure” these kids and return them to a normal, blue-blotch-free life cycle. I guess they are inspired by the fact that the crew of the Enterprise are all past puberty, have caught the disease and are perilously close to freak out time (Spock is immune, but may be a carrier). Speaking of freak out time, this episode contains my favorite SHATNER line in history. When the kids respond to Captain Kirk’s attempts to resolve their differences by chanting “Blah, Blah, Blah,” over all his words, Kirk’s brilliant retort is ” NO, BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!” This is around the time one of the uglier kids “bonk-bonks” “Mr.Lovey-Dovey” on the head with a wrench. I’m really not doing this episode justice and I apologize. Even cooler than the prerequisite freak out by my man SHATNER is the presence of a young KIM DARBY, who would later battle tiny walnut-faced imps in the Kinder-fave T.V. movie DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK and get a deadly dose of M.M. rage in HALLOWEEN 6. Furthermore you are treated to the lovable, Mr. Mxyzptlk looking AMERICAN GOTHIC alum MICHAEL J. POLLARD as the kid’s ringleader. Even if you’re not a Trekkie you may still enjoy this highly entertaining CHILDREN OF THE CORN-like S.T. episode. Those interested can find it in its entirety HERE

The U.S.S. Enterprise runs afoul of yet another group of deadly kids in the season three episode “And the Children Shall Lead.” They go to a planet where a bunch of adults have just committed mass suicide JIM JONES style and find a bunch of strangely unbereft tykes there, which they take aboard the ship. The children are actually following the lead of a super fat alien in a moo-moo and with some kind of hand jive routine are able to make the crew hallucinate that their worst fears are reality. Sulu imagines giant swords are floating in space, Uhuru envisions herself an old hag in her handy computer board vanity mirror…

…and Captain Kirk becomes so insecure that, I swear to God he seriously almost made out with Spock in the elevator!!! If either they or I was a little more drunk I think it would have happened!

This episode guest stars puppy activist and official Traumatot PAMELYN FERDIN and is pretty damn good as well even though it is usually considered the WORST episode ever made by most STAR TREK fans. (You can watch it HERE). I guess the truth is the only thing really keeping Unkle Lancifer from becoming a full-blown Trekkie is actually watching the show because I sorta loved both these episodes. Well, it’s too late for me to change my Colonial spots now and there ARE Cylons a’ calling. Maybe if that make-out session in the elevator had actually materialized it would be a different story.

UPDATE:It seems my mission to go where no Galactica fan has gone before is not quite over. I was alerted to yet another creepy STAR TREK kid by a kind reader (Adam Ross of DVD PANACHE, who I suspect IS a Trekkie!). Having just viewed it, I’m here to report it is indeed another stellar episode. In “The Corbomite Maneuvre,” our favorite ship gets blocked by something that looks like a lone spinning D&D die in outer space (just how nerdy am I prepared to go?) After they blow it up, a giant Christmas tree ornament attacks and begins making ballsy threats about destroying the Enterprise. An ugly alien even appears on their screen to talk more smack; he’s pissed off and he won’t listen to reason. Spock suggests that the battle of wills that ensues is comparable to a game of Chess. Probably never having played chess, Kirk likens it to playing poker, which gives him a brilliant Blair Warner idea, why not bluff (i.e. lie) his way out? Kirk then makes of few grand threats of his own. Telling the alien that basically the Enterprise is rubber and he is glue and that whatever he does to them…well, you know the rest. There are more idol threats and some camera tilting “action” and then rather than more smart talk they get a distress call from their foe. When Kirk, Bones and some nobody who has been bitching all episode beam aboard the enemy ship, they find the alien they saw previously on screen was just a fake dummy and this guy Balok lounging around like TRUMAN CAPOTE getting wasted on something called “tranya.”
The whole thing was just a test to see if the Enterprise could be trusted! Balok’s not a bad guy at all he’s just a lil’ guy played by the more talented HOWARD brother, CLINT! Kirk and Bones dump the bitchy crew member on the trana-holic Balok and return to the ship, everybody wins! And we get another great creepy STAR TREK kid!

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From A Whisper To A Scream a.k.a. The Offspring

June 30th, 2008 · 1 Comment

FROM A WHISPER TO A SCREAM a.k.a. THE OFFSPRING may not be the best horror anthology in the world, but it does put VINCENT PRICE and SUSAN TYRREL in the same room together and that’s good enough for me. Happily, the first and last of the four stories (The PRICE/TYRREL bit serves as a wraparound) end up being particularly well suited for the pages of Kindertrauma. The first tale involves a stalker with a heart of blech (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD‘s CLU GULAGER, remarkably unrecognizable) who goes a bit too far trying to win the affections of a co-worker (and by a bit too far I mean killing her and doing the wild thing with her corpse!). After nine months a baby is born to the buried, dead woman and immediately sets about filling this anthology’s small creature on the rampage slot (which usually is the last story). CLU is great and so is the little monster, but TRILOGY OF TERROR this ain’t and as soon as the action gets good, the story is over. Next we have two tales about witchcraft gone wrong. They both have satisfying conclusions, but each takes its own sweet time getting there. (I like to think of myself as a patient viewer, but c’mon there’s no time for lollygagging in an anthology movie!) The final story is a Civil War CHILDREN OF THE CORN with an anti-war message that brings to mind WHO CAN KILL A CHILD? Starring the great CAMERON MITCHEL (THE TOOLBOX MURDERS) and featuring some morbid sight gags, like a bunch of kids playing pin the tail on the donkey with human body parts, it’s a pretty cool addition to the whole murderous-children-have-taken-over sub-genre. In this case, the children follow the lead of a mystery being called “The Magistrate,” which turns out to be something pretty damn gruesome. I especially enjoyed the scene that involved a child telling a tied up adult, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” as he bashes him on the head with a human bone. This segment could also win an award for “Most Repulsive Use For a Severed Eyeball.” Overall, there’s enough originality and go-for-broke gusto to warrant a viewing from any horror fan, but stand warned that the pacing is a bit off and that you may see the various comeuppance conclusions coming from a mile away. Whatever the film’s weak suites, its cast more than makes up for them, time and time again.

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Cathy’s Curse

June 27th, 2008 · 9 Comments

cathy's curse

CATHY’S CURSE (a.k.a. CAUCHEMARES) is an awful movie and I love it. I love subjecting people to it. I love watching a smiling, hopeful face, eager for a night of entertainment, slowly melt into one of disappointment and abject nausea. How many times have I forced others to watch this celluloid catastrophe with me? How many friendships have come to a screeching halt due to my insistence that it be regularly viewed? Moreover, how many of those unwittingly indoctrinated, now lost souls, left my home stumbling, screaming into the night just like the unfortunate visitors to Cathy’s address?

If CATHY’S CURSE were just incompetent that would be one thing, but it goes far beyond that, it willfully defies rational thought. It laughs in the face of human comprehension. It dares you to follow its lead and then pushes you into a pit of mental strain that only those who have suffered severe head injuries could possibly understand. It’s really more of an endurance test than anything else because CATHY’S CURSE is cursed alright. There is something supremely unnatural about it. Maybe it is evil in its truest form, a black hole that tears to shreds the fabric of everything we believe to be natural and real and good. I have come to fear that the atrocity’s creation was no accident. If you handed a camera to a mentally disabled monkey, it could deliver a film that reflected something of what day-to-day life on earth was like. No, this is the handiwork of a diabolical madman.

On the surface it masquerades as just another child possession movie. You would think following the action would be simple as the ground it presumes to cover has been tread countless times before. Unfortunately, the “director” stubbornly insists on presenting us countless inconsistencies that go far beyond what viewers would be used to witnessing in a so-called “bad movie.” (Imagine a mean-spirited TROLL 2 and you’re not even half way there). The instances of counter logic are simply too frequent and too obvious to be a mistake. Why didn’t anyone stop them? Considering that the production involved at least as many adult humans as we see on the screen, I can’t help but wonder why no one had the wherewithal to intervene and inject at least a granule of sanity to the proceedings. Surely they had some inkling of what they were doing!? They HAD to know!

Maybe future generations will understand. Maybe visitors from outer space could decipher it. Is it an anarchistic treatise against cinema as a whole? An experimental Dadaist poem about the perils of puberty and the dismantling of the nuclear family? By exposing us to random images whose meanings are obtuse or non-existent, are we meant to experience first hand what it’s like to be as insane as the people who inhabit this film are?

I am afraid. I am afraid that death will be like CATHY’S CURSE. I am afraid that the curse-a-verse is something real, another dimension beyond or own, a place where only wrong things happen. I fear that only a wall as thin as an onionskin separates our two worlds and that slowly that world is being absorbed into our own. I look in the mirror, am I Cathy’s curse? Did I make this happen? Is this movie my punishment for unknown deeds in a previous life? Will it ever go away? If you have not seen it yet, do yourself a favor and stay away. Nobody deserves to live in this kind of turmoil. I am no different than a heroin addict. I know this wretched thing is killing me but life without it is now unimaginable. Me and Cathy are joined for life. She guides me to the abyss and I follow. Turn back gentle reader before it is too late!!! (more…)

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Still Of The Night

March 15th, 2008 · 1 Comment


 What in the name of God is a MERYL STREEP movie doing on Kindertrauma? Before you throw your computer out the window, let me explain. STILL OF THE NIGHT also stars the recently deceased and highly mourned ROY SCHEIDER (JAWS)! It is a quiet, slow boiling homage to HITCHCOCK (visually, it’s more INTERIORS-era WOODY ALLEN) and although it wouldn’t induce a goose pimple on your old Aunt Tilly, it was released in 1982 and sometimes that’s enough. SCHEIDER plays Dr. Sam Rice, a psychiatrist whose patient may or may not have been killed (sadly off screen) by Brooke Reynolds (STREEP in her lone chain-smoking Femme Fatale performance. Between you, me and the lamppost she actually cleans up real good). O.K., that’s sorta the whole plot, someone’s trying to snuff ROY’s light out too, and we’re supposed to think it’s the STREEP, but nobody does because that’s far too obvious. The real reason that S.O.T.N. made it to these pink pages is because, at one point, ROY recounts his patient’s Frued-orific dream which has a handy riddle inside, that once deciphered will reveal the real killer. This dream features a very scary little girl. In fact, she’s so creeped-out that when she pulls her teddy bear’s eye off, it bleeds real blood! The little waif proceeds to make like a pint-sized Freddy Krueger and chases the poor, soon-to-be-dead dreamer around a swanky Long Island abode. Ultimately, she bursts through a door with pupils painted on her eyelids and autumn leaves swirling about her head while an ear splitting scream blares. The dream sequence is pretty damn cool and, truthfully, so is the surprise ending where I promise you a knife does come into play in some capacity. The bad news is you will have to endure a non-thrilling auction house scene that tries to pry suspense from ROY passing STREEP a note undetected. STILL OF THE NIGHT is probably too still for most horror junkies but, the great part is, if you ever find yourself getting bored, you can always play spot the HITCHCOCK reference.indelible scenes

  • Roy has an Uncle Charlie ala SHADOW OF A DOUBT
  • STREEP sits in as the prerequisite blonde ice queen and JESSICA TANDY (THE BIRDS) is present as well
  • Dreams play a large role (SPELLBOUND) and there’s also an auction (NORTH BY NORTHWEST)
  • STREEP conveniently moves into an apartment behind her alleged prey allowing for voyeuristic REAR WINDOW camera play
  • That first step is a doozy! (VERTIGO)

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Bloody Birthday

March 12th, 2008 · 1 Comment


   If you ever give birth to a baby during an eclipse, take my advice and throw it into the nearest trash can. Babies born during an eclipse, having missed the influence of Saturn, have nothing by the way of human conscience. I can tell you first hand that living without a conscience is no big whoop; however, these eclipse babies also develop a passion for brutal murder, and without the conscience thing to curb their bloodlust, what you get is a situation like the one depicted in BLOODY BIRTHDAY. In this case, three kids are born on the same eclipse sullied day and as they near their tenth year of life on our blue planet, their insatiable desire for murder cripples, or at least complicates matters for, a small Californian town. The three kids in question are as follows; four-eyed weasel Curtis Taylor (BILLY JACOBY), cruel MISS-PIGGY-faced Debbie Brody (ELIZABETH HOY) and a boring blond kid who only becomes less so when a fish bowl is chucked at his head (STEVEN SETON). Whenever they can, they kill the innocent with an arsenal of jump ropes, skateboards, shovels, arrows, and, when time is of the essence, guns. Little Debbie is so blatantly evil that she charges her mischievous posse quarters to check out big sis Beverly (The non “Wubba Wubba Wubba” JULIE BROWN ) undress! Thank all that is holy that sometimes-sitter Joyce Russel (THE PREY‘s LORI LETHIN) and her lil’ bro Timmy (Mike Seaver’s pal Eddie from GROWING PAINS, K.C. MARTEL) figure out exactly what the terrible troika’s got cooking and vow to put an end to their sinister shenanigans. With a bucket load of bottom of the barrel co-stars (top billers SUSAN STRASBERG and JOSE FERRER make glorified cameos ), and a script whose mantra is “destination nowhere”, BLOODY BIRTHDAY may be an amateurishly decorated, half-baked affair but thanks to the nonstop mayhem, it’s also a wish come true for killer kiddie flick fans.indelible scenes

  • Mid coital teens pulverized in open grave
  • Dad cop Brody bludgeoned in the front yard
  • Junk yard refrigerator trap
  • Curtis tries to run down Joyce wearing ghostly guise
  • The great ant poison birthday cake debacle
  • BLOODY BIRTHDAY‘s ultimate trademark set piece JULIE BROWN gets arrow in the eye through makeshift bedroom closet glory hole

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The Demonology of Desire

February 29th, 2008 · No Comments


Love, especially young love, is a many-splendored thing. Unfortunately some of those “splendors” include a wrecking ball of absolute agony, an anvil of soul crushing confusion and for many, a bombardment of chemicals in the brain whose effects leave the victim, for all intents and purposes, clinically insane. Replacing schmaltz with gobs of gore, and purple prose with KATHY ACKER style diatribes, director RODRIGO GUDINO drags you through love’s limb-strewn battlefield while always keeping one severed foot firmly planted in the horror genre. Romana (BIANCA RUSA) throws a wish out into the universe like many young girls do for love. She’s wise enough to know that it is intensity, not candy and flowers that she desires. She is delivered 13-year-old Eric (TODOR PLOPEANU) whose heart basically has “kick-me” tattooed upon it. Along with Romana’s best pal Sara (JEWELIA FISICO), they make an after school play-date destined to dissect the grotesque beast that romantic attraction invariably conjures. It turns out Romana and Sara are not only orchestrating a LADY IN A CAGE style home invasion in the house that they claimed to be Sarah’s, but are also doing an Abu Ghraib number on an unnamable monstrosity that resides in the basement of the dwelling. Worse still, the hoops that Eric is prompted to leap through in order to prove his affections are placed just high enough to prove fatal if miscalculated. Finally, love’s true nature caught on film! With a KENNETH ANGER-like raw vibrancy and a sincerity toward the anguish love spawns that recalls LUCKY MCKEE’s MAY, GUDINO, along with cinematographer DEREK ROGERS, does in 22 minutes what most of those MASTERS OF HORROR episodes failed to do in twice the time. He delivers a unique vision with a distinctive voice that is, at turns, laugh out loud funny and hand wringlingly intense. Anyone who has ever nursed an infection from a poorly aimed Cupid’s arrow will recognize this short film’s pulsating, bloody heart. 


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30 Days Of Night’s Abbey-May Wakefield

February 26th, 2008 · 1 Comment


30 days of night Vampire girl Abbey-May Wakefield
 30 DAYS OF NIGHT may not have set the world on fire in its theatrical run, but it’s sure to find its proper brethren now that it’s available for home viewing. Moody, grim and host to some old-school level gore, it’s a worthy addition to any horror collection and a must see for vampire enthusiasts. The vampiric creatures that inhabit the film are an interesting lot and none more so than the scene swiping ABBEY-MAY WAKEFIELD. While JOSH HARTNET and crew are pillaging the local grocery for supplies, they encounter the little eight-year-old mid artery-splicing dinner. Her response to the rude interruption is to go all Tasmanian Devil on their asses. There’s only one way to settle down the tantrum prone undead and it involves an ax. Her “You wanna play with me now?” line is almost a direct lift from Kinder-fave Cage’s cranky phone threat in PET SEMATARY, but we’re so smitten we’ve decided to chalk it up as being a knowing homage. Apologies are in order, if we were better informed or at least more prone to seeing films that were made after 1989, we would have certainly included you, Ms. WAKEFILED, on our KIDS OF HORROR:: BEST OF 2007 list. As it stands, this after the fact shout-out will have to suffice. Please don’t bite us!  

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