Category: Tykes in Trouble

 

In case you thought the concept of "kindertrauma" was something new under the sun, here's a silent picture from 1926 to dispel that notion. SPARROWS sings the tale of Mother Molly (MARY PICKFORD) the eldest in a group of orphans being abused at the hands of a sinister Dickensian "baby farm" overlord named Mr. Grimes (seriously creepy GUSTAVE VON SEYFFERITZ). Realizing that he's in danger of having his racket found out, meanie Grimes intends to destroy the evidence by dumping the kids in his care into the deadly swamp that surrounds his farm. Mary orchestrates a harrowing escape through said swamp and Grimes, realizing one of the tots has blackmail value gives chase. The murky crocodile minefield provides plenty of peril and thrilling narrow escapes for the plucky proto-final girl PICKFORD whose every hurdle only inspires more determination. Heavily influenced by German expressionist cinema and a guiding source of inspiration for the equally exquisite NIGHT OF THE HUNTER, SPARROWS is a dark fairy tale whose patches of humor keep it miraculously buoyant. PICKFORD, who was in reality 34 at the time, delivers her last juvenile performance and she's a real head-butting scrapper. She's actually hilarious on more than one occasion which is a marvel considering the oppressive, yet undeniably gorgeous surroundings created by set designer HARRY OLIVER. It's hard to beat a dense gothic swamp as a perfect environment to display both the beauty and casual cruelty of nature and director WILLIAM BEAUDINE uses it to his advantage at regular intervals. True, a superfluous boat chase and leisurely epilogue can't compete with the film's earlier high points in the swamp, but it's only fair to allow PICKFORD and her crew a happy ending. Heavy with religious themes (the big J.C. even makes a cameo), the title itself refers to God's unavailability to aid the kids because of his preoccupation with every sparrow that falls. (One kid inquires why sparrows got such pull with the man upstairs). In the end, it seems God may have not been so busy after all, but I still think Mother Molly deserves the lion's share of the credit. Gee, a world where religion is shown as a source of inspiration and hope rather than a cloak to excuse ratty behavior? You gotta love those olden timey days!                

Laura (BELEN RUEDA) has moved into, and is in the process of renovating, the very orphanage that she called home for some time as a child. Along with her practical husband Carlos (FERNANDO CAYO) and adopted child Simon (ROGER PRINCEP) she means to create a place like the one she remembers, a place full of laughing children who spend their days playing games and their nights imagining themselves protected by a nearby lighthouse. Laura is unfortunate enough to slowly learn throughout the course of JUAN ANTONIO BAYONA's THE ORPHANAGE that her pristine recollections are sorely one sided and that her beloved residence hides a history of (kinder)traumatic events she could hardly imagine. Things appear kosher enough at first with her child seemingly conjuring play pals to keep himself company, but does little Simon have his head in the clouds or his foot in the afterlife? Evidence supporting the latter accumulates to the point where Simon goes missing completely and Laura begins seeing a mysterious child on the grounds wearing a Raggedy Andy meets THE ELEPHANT MAN sack over his head. Concern gives way to obsession as Laura is led like a pull toy through a psychological maze that can only be navigated by shredding everything rational and allowing herself to perceive the world in Simon's (and her own previous) childlike way. More dark fantasy than outright horror, THE ORPHANGE plays tag with classic ghost story elements while always remaining slickly modern. It has no intention of beating the audience over the head with its shocks, it is content to unnerve at the leisurely pace of a midnight tide (MTV spawn & A.D.D. dudes, you stand warned!) Screenwriter SERGIO G. SANCHEZ admits to being inspired by the maternal anguish that Wendy and her sibling's mother must have felt in PETER PAN when she discovers her children are missing and off adventuring in Neverland. It's just that kind of magical fairy tale quality that distinguishes THE ORPHANAGE from your standard shock generator. This puzzle box may not provide constant adrenaline pumping cathartic thrills, but it does provide a wise meditation on how perception rules our lives and the constant tug of war between our past and present selves. By the film's conclusion a new idea of "home" is established and the viewer is left with a feeling similar to completing a good satisfying book. Bathed in cool aquatic hues, its lullaby tone allows its moments of true, gritty, well-earned terror to shine all the more and don't worry, there is terror to be found here. I know it may seem like the world needs another "ghost kid" movie like it needs another wedding themed rom-com, but this is a sincere, nearly seamless, effort that offers new sly gifts with each viewing and reminds you what a well thought out, complete film experience feels like.

• The dark seaside cave, you may imagine you're seeing things as well
• The witchy Benigna (MONTSERRAT CARULLA) makes a house call
• Our first view of Tomas (OSCAR CASAS) at the animal masked garden party for special children. A perfect playmate for lil' Jason Voorhees!
• Laura's tumble into the tub and her wretched hangnail
• Benigna catches the bus!
• Psychic Aurora's (the great GERALDINE CHAPLIN) painful discovery
• Laura learns the rules of the game, transforms and is invited into Tomas' "little house"

 

Deemed by doctors to have an "inborn antipathy towards middle-aged females," young Joey Fane (WILLIAM DIX) is none too thrilled to be greeted by his arch-nemesis au pair (BETTE DAVIS) after a two-year stint at the home for disturbed children. It seems that Joey was institutionalized shortly after the bathtub drowning of his adorable baby sister, and his repeated assertions that the Nanny was responsible for the little girl's death completely fall on deaf ears. Nanny has been employed by the Fanes since mother Virgie (WENDY CRAIG) was a wee one, and Nanny's word is taken over that of young Joey's. He does manage to get one person to believe him, upstairs neighbor Bobbie (PAMELA FRANKLIN), but she, despite a propensity for smoking and allowing men on the street to peek up her skirt on the fire escape, is just fourteen years old and perceived as a silly child. After Joey's father is called out of town on business, all hell breaks loose in the Fane household as mother Virgie falls victim to what appears to be intentional food poisoning. Joey maintains it was Nanny, yet the incriminating bottle of medication found in his pillowcase would indicate otherwise. While mother is off getting her stomach pumped, Aunt Pen (short for Penelope) pops over to keep the peace between Joey and Nanny. Up until the arrival of Pen, the pendulum of credibility has swung squarely in Nanny's favor since it seems that Joey is nothing more than a petulant brat with a penchant for exaggeration. Once Pen catches Nanny lingering a little too long outside of Joey's room with a pillow, the realization sets in that the boy has been telling the truth all along. Nanny did have a hand in his sister's death, she did poison his mother, and she is trying to kill him. With the viewer firmly in Joey's corner, the remainder of the film dissolves into a campy romp as DAVIS drops the restrained facade and gleefully channels BABY JANE HUDSON while sadistically torturing Pen and Joey.  

• The mature banter between Joey and Bobbie is much more adult than the conversations held by the actual grown ups
• Nanny grooms and feeds Virgie like she is a baby
• Joey & Bobbie float a doll in the tub and give Nanny quite the scare
• Nanny's confession to the captive Pen

 

With a last-minute cancellation by the babysitter, dewy teen Libby Mannering (ANDI GARRETT) is put in charge of her bratty little sister Tess (SHARYL LOCKE) while her parents attend to some sort of business-related dinner out of town. Thankfully, Libby is allowed to invite her best gal pal Kit (SARAH LANE) over to help her pass the unchaperoned time. Rather than sneak alcohol from the parents liquor cabinet, participate in a no-holds-barred pillow fight or invite boys over to listen to records with the bedroom door open, the sensible girls decide to let loose by making prank phone calls. Whoa! In their breathiest of voices the girls repeatedly annoy unsuspecting telephone owners by repeating the phrase, "I saw what you did; I know who you are." Most folks laugh off the girls' inane calls, save for one Steve Marak (JOHN IRELAND) who just finished showering and stabbing his wife to death. The girls', intrigued by Steve's brooding baritone and utterly oblivious to the murder, get all dolled up and decide to drive by his house to get a better look at him. While peering through his window, Libby is chased back to her car by Steve's over dressed and over-the-hill mistress Amy (JOAN CRAWFORD) who thinks the much younger girl is trying to get her mitts on her man. Amy snags Libby's vehicle registration card as a trophy and confronts Steve with it, who, in turn, gets all stabby on her and her over-sized necklace. Armed with Libby's home address, Steve drives over to the Mannering manor to terrorize the girls. Directed by WILLIAM CASTLE, the master of b-movie promotional gimmick, I SAW WHAT YOU DID barely stands up as a cautionary tale against the dangers of trick telephony since the advent of modern caller-id makes the major plot point obsolete. IRELAND brings a sense of brooding menace to his performance, and the young girls all deliver their screams on cue. 

• Taking a page from HITCHCOCK's PSYCHO play book, CASTLE lets his victim intrude on a shower with a killer already in it
• The cougar shows her claws: Amy's front yard confrontation of Libby
• The ominous fog that envelops the Mannering home in the finale
• Early use of the hider-in-the-hatch phenomenon (Remember kids: Always check the backseat of your car for the killer!)

Director FRANK DARABONT couldn't help but imagine his production of STEPHEN KING's THE MIST in good old-fashioned black and white. To him (and KING himself apparently) the story recalled movies like 1955's IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA, a black and white classic crawling with RAY HARRYHAUSEN fueled stop-motion tentacles. He was also inspired by the urgent documentary style of GEORGE ROMERO's 1968 shoestring juggernaut NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. That tale concerning strangers trapped in a claustrophobic space battling a deadly worldwide threat had obvious similarities to KING's apocalyptic novella. It's not surprising that financiers craving coffers of coinage rather than crickets chirping as a response to the film, balked at the idea. DARABONT went ahead with the project, filming in color on a tight schedule, but always keeping his original vision in the back of his mind. Taking a cue from the COEN BROTHERS who filmed THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE in color and than transformed it into B&W in postproduction, DARABONT mused that he might simply do the same in reverse.The two-disc collector's edition of THE MIST comes complete with his black and white version of the film. DARABONT states that it is his preferred version and the closest thing you're going to get to a director's cut of the film. Couldn't you simply adjust your television to create the same effect? Perhaps, but it's important to keep in mind that the director specifically filmed the movie in a way that would best compliment this future transition. In his introduction to this alternate version, DARABONT speaks of the "heightened reality" that B&W inherently offers and reminds us that the only place in the world that we can see this representation of reality is in a black and white film. Whether you are a fan of THE MIST or not, anyone interested in film owes it to themselves to compare the two versions. It's amazing to note that from the very first scene the tone of the film is drastically altered. My advice is turn off all the lights, blast the sound and prepare for transportation…After a now stunning white flash electrical storm David Drayton (a never better THOMAS JAYNE) and his son travel with a grudge carrying neighbor (the impeccable ANDRE BRAUGHER) to a nearby supermarket for supplies. Once there, they are waylaid by a supernatural mist that, in B&W, is the visual equivalent to God shaking the world off his etch-a-sketch. It is learned that besides impeding one's vision, this smoky bank is also host to a variety of fantastic creatures who come from a dimension where they could plausibly use the Necronomicon as a telephone book. The trio is then trapped in the supermarket with the general public, (just think about that for a moment) when the most horrific decision since SOPHIE'S CHOICE is presented: either go outside and be strangled by slithering tentacled appendages or stay in the store and act out a mash-up version of THE TWILIGHT ZONE's "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street" and JEAN-PAUL SARTRE's NO EXIT.I should point out that it's come to my attention that some sensitive viewers took offense to some of the vaguely political statements made by certain characters, and the way that religion was represented in this film. I feel for you people and although you can't hear it, I am playing a tune I composed for you on my violin that some say is the world's smallest. (Once upon a time movies were allowed to step on a few toes and guess what? They were better back than!) Anyhows, personalities continue to clash like symbols, SHIRLEY JACKSON flavored mob mentality begins to reign and what should be a jolly stomp to the nearby pharmacy to steal painkillers turns into an intense battle that culminates with resident granny FRANCES STERHAGEN channeling RAMBO. Not enough can be said about MARCIA GAY HARDEN's turn as the irascible Mrs. Carmody. She clearly hit some kind of authentic nerve, because when I saw this theatrically, the audience stood up and cheered at her performance. (O.K., maybe it wasn't her performance exactly that they were cheering.) To say more could spoil for some the comeuppance of what may be the best love-to-hate character to grace the screen in decades.All right enough about the plot. You'll either love or hate the fact that DARABONT goes against genre conventions at every turn, while still saluting and obviously revering horror's history. The much-debated ending is of the bravest sort and for my money, debatable means good. At the end of the day, you'll see what ever the hell you want to when you look into THE MIST. Whatever threat it brings, both real or imagined, on screen or off, basically depends on you. If THE MIST does have any real power, besides its monstrous inhabitants, it is a natural ability to literally "cloud" people's minds. By movies end ask yourself why people made the decisions they did, even the most frustrating and tragic ones can be explained by the character not seeing the forest for the trees, ignoring the bigger picture and assuming that their idea of the truth, based on limited facts was the accurate one. The reality is we all deal with something like THE MIST now and again, a period of confusion where it seems we are surrounded by life's demons. Funny how a mother, too determined to save her children to involve herself with the social rigmarole of the store, is later shown, kids in tow as a survivor. Is the black and white version superior? In a lot of ways yes; it's definitely more atmospheric and whatever glitches that could be detected in the CGI on the big screen are now permanently mended. The use of light and shadow in particular graduates from admirable to awe inspiring. (Check out MARCIA's lavatory praying scene). But I wouldn't trade seeing this with a semi-packed audience for the world. I don't know if you've ever experienced real audience camaraderie before, but this is one of those too scarce films that supports that kind of reaction. It's rare that we get to talk about current movies here on Kindertrauma, but not only does THE MIST contain a great TRAUMATOT performance from NATHAN GAMBLE as Drayton's son, but his journey and it's sucker punch climax are the likes of which cinema history is made. Now that the film is available to be viewed at home, you can bet your bottom dollar on countless youngsters checking this baby out and sealing its fate as a future TRAUMAFESSION catalyst. I don't know whether to fear for those young viewers or to be absolutely jealous of what THE MIST, any version, is going to do to their brains.

 

Please add 1988's THE BLOB on to the short list of worthy horror remakes. It easily makes the cut and, in many ways, surpasses the original. It effortlessly grafts the popular slasher elements of its day with ALIENS-inspired, pulse-pounding sci-fi set pieces while bending over backwards to salute 1950's era paranoia, and small town sentimentality. No small feat considering it has to work against its highly mocked and innately silly title.

   Director CHUCK RUSSELL (A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: THE DREAM WARRIORS) juggles a multitude of various characters and story lines with ease. Our introductions to the residents of Arborville, a town that has seen better days, are short, sweet and effective. By the time THE BLOB gets rolling, the viewer is highly invested. High on the list of folks to cheer for is cheerleader Meg Penny (the worship-able SHAWNEE SMITH), her clean-cut date Paul Taylor (DONAVAN LEITCH) and sourpuss Snake Plisken-in-training Brian Flagg (KEVIN DILLON). Don't get too attached to football hero Paul, RUSSELL derives much electricity from the inevitable attraction of rogue outsider Brian and apple pie Meg.

 The amorphous creature of the title is a giant step forward from its previous incarnation. It owes much of its new sheen and flexibility to ROB BOTTIN's innovative concepts from JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING. There seems little it can't do. Sometimes appearing as almost globs of uncooked meat, it sprouts tentacles and appendages at will and can shrink to fit into a drain pipe or expand to uproot an entire street. Most of the effects are still highly impressive though some opticals are charmingly dated. Sure there are giant leaps in plausibility throughout, but the film has earned so much goodwill by these points that one would have to be a real curmudgeon to care.A scene snagged from the original classic, set in a movie theater showing the mid-eighties appropriate "GARDEN TOOL MASSACRE" is a strobe lit bonanza of popcorn-flying pandemonium and purple hued transforming gelatinous goo. It's here that our hero Meg really shines. Taking it upon herself to retrieve her younger brother, the plucky do-gooder decides she'll do some transforming herself, and takes on the form of a suburban Ellen Ripley complete with a dank, waterlogged, maternal-warrior venture through the blob occupied bowels of the sewer. 

  By this point our rebel without a comb Brian is learning just how updated the title creature has become. No longer an alien creature from outer space as in the original, this abomination is man made. The meteor the creature sprung from is actually more of a crashed satellite, complete with American flag insignia. He not only overhears that it is a germ warfare experiment that's gone out of control, but that his entire town is expendable in the eyes of the government. Suddenly he's not so different from all those people he's been so dead set on distancing himself from. He returns to the town to fetch the girl he once left behind and the community he abandoned.

There are way too many clever in-jokes to list, and tiny asides from the beginning of the picture pay off handsomely later on. The final solution is not only clever, but results in a rather beautiful to behold snow globe inspired climactic scene. With all its gruesome effects, firecracker explosions and gun riddled chase scenes, THE BLOB truly has heart. Once divided, the town does come together to defeat their mutual foe, and it's all very full circle and fuzzy. The final tag on sequel baiting scene is one of my favorites of all time. So when are those Hollywood dumdums going to get around to re-making SON OF BLOB?

• The whole buying a condom at Mr. Penny (ART LAFLUER)'s pharmacy bit is great and has a hilarious pay-off
• The BLOB's attack on the homeless guy and the resulting doctor's office invasion
• Scott (RICKY PAULL GOLDIN)'s parked car make out session ends in a squirming, head deflating, blobby mess
• I don't pretend to understand the logistics of the drainpipe scene, but I love it anyway
• CANDY CLARK(CAT'S EYE) meets her date the Sheriff in an unfortunate (for both of them) telephone booth crushing scene
• All scenes with lil' Kevin Penny and his Pal Eddie sneaking off to the slasher flick and the dialogue that ensues are hilarious. (Tough luck only one makes it out alive!) Favorite line: "I'm sorry, I'll never see a movie again!" or maybe it's this line from the in-movie flick GARDEN TOOL MASSACRE (upon seeing a hockey-masked man wielding a hedge trimmer) "Wait, Hockey season ended months ago!"
• Reverend Meeker (DEL CLOSE who was actually in BEWARE THE BLOB! aka SON OF BLOB) will be back! (God willing!)
 

  

THE MASTERS OF HORROR series is, in a kind word, inconsistent. Episodes range from mind-bogglingly brilliant to simply mind-boggling. Falling somewhere between those two barstools is TOM HOLLAND's WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE SCREAM, the tale of a victimized clown and his craving for sticky, high-calorie revenge. The likable LEE TERGESON (OZ's Tobias Beecher) is Layne, a family man who has just returned to the town of his youth and the memories that still linger there. When Layne was a kid, he was prompted by a bully to participate in a prank that resulted in a mentally challenged clown's head being crushed under the wheel of an ice cream truck. Apparently the lingering guilt of crushing a human skull under a truck is more powerful then that of say, TP'ing your neighbors tree or egging their front door. Layne needn't punish himself because Buster, the aforementioned clown (WILLIAM FORSYTHE, THE DEVIL'S REJECTS) has come back from the dead to do it for him. Now if Buster had just grabbed an axe and started whacking, we'd have a splendid little episode here. Unfortunately, his methods of destruction are far more convoluted than that. He visits the guilty party's children at night, feeds them ice cream shaped like their parents, and as the kids eat the treats, their parents turn to mush. This allows for at least one good melting scene but it also douses any credibility that once was earned. There really is not enough time to establish the rules of the game here, but I cried foul more than once. I especially had difficulty with Layne's eye for an eye solution to his dilemma, which involved getting ice cream from his freezer, making a Buster-looking cone and allowing his kid to eat it, thereby destroying Buster. Good on him that this plan worked but that's a pretty big leap of faith on his part. Visually this episode is as strong as hell and the cast could not be better, but the free-floating, magically convenient logic in the script had me screaming "They cheated us!" like Annie Wilkes at a cliffhanger film festival. Buster the clown is a fantastic creation; he deserves a simpler more stream-lined means of revenge.

• Warning: There is a redundant overload of supposedly scary sing-songs; migraine sufferers take note
• Buster has no nose! A great concept if only it were: A) explained; B) followed up on, in any way shape or form
• The flashbacks are the best part; HOLLAND gets the summery suburban atmosphere just right
• Evil Virgil (COLIN CUNNINGHAM) melting in the hot tub. Gloriously BLOB worthy. That's what I'm talking about!
• Layne uses remote control sprinklers to freeze the frosty Buster

 

 Back in the day, if I had to bet on what eighties teen star was most likely to explode big, win awards and end up tabloid fodder; I would have placed all my chips on DIANE FRANKLIN. With her kewpie doll peepers, legitimate acting chops and general effervescent presence, the camera not only loved her, it seemed willing to place it's new coat down on a mud puddle for her to walk across. Alas, it was not meant to be. Come back to the five and dime DIANE FRANKLIN, DIANE FRANKLIN! As it stands, we are left with a handful of worthwhile offerings from the starlet, some impossible to find (T.V. movies SUMMER GIRL and DEADLY LESSONS), some impossible to shake (LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN, AMITYVILLE 2), and some impossible to ignore (foreign exchange student Monique Junot in BETTER OFF DEAD!). The great D.F. was versatile as hell, and if you ever had the itching to see her do the broadest of comedy look no further than TERRORVISION, a wacky CHARLES BAND produced TED NICOLAOU (SUBSPECIES) directed, would-be cult confection that somehow fell through the cracks. Donning CYNDI LAUPER duds and surrounded by a family of equally camped-up oddballs that include renaissance woman and trash icon MARY WARANOV as her Mom, and B-movie magnet GERRIT GRAHAM (CHOPPING MALL) as her dad, FRANKLIN plays Suzy Putterman, a fluffy, MTV-addicted simpleton who is about to come face to face with the gooey antidote to MAC AND ME. Thanks to a new satellite dish, the Puttermans (who also include survivalist Grandpa BERT REMSEN and RAMBO-brained lil'bro CHAD ALLEN) find that their television is now a portal to the stars, or at least an intergalactic trash chute. Equal parts LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS and an overextended OINGO BOINGO video, TERRORVISION will stop at nothing to earn its kooky offbeat stripes. The frenetic, panting desperation can grate at times and the humor is hit or miss, but the years have been kind to this intentionally goofy salute to slime and late night cable atrocities. It's '80s excesses are now its strongest selling point, and it's certainly a worthwhile, though admittedly garish, addition to canon la FRANKLIN.

• Mom and Pop's swinger pals get offed in the pool, later to recreate BOB & CAROL & TED & ALICE poster with Grandpa thrown in for good measure
• Rocker O.D.'s (JONATHAN GRIES of MONSTER SQUAD) remains resemble a guitar
• Shout out to ELVIRA in the form of T.V. host Medusa (JENNIFER RICHARDS)
• JOHN CARL BUECHLER's (CELLAR DWELLER) ZYZZYBALUBA on acid style special effects

EDITOR'S NOTE: Special thanks to Richard of Doomed Moviethon for setting me up with this jem!

 

 It's easy to see why Satanists love the Devil so damn much. The Devil lets you do cool things like switch bodies with the young when you're getting a little long in the tooth. With a planet full of possible vessels, it is hard to believe that someone would choose Myles Clarkson (ALAN ALDA) as their new flesh-suit but, according to THE MEPHISTO WALTZ, ol' Hawkeye has some pretty awesome digits on his hands and they're just perfect for not long for this world devil worshiper/piano-man Duncan Ely (CURT JURGENS). Ely, who enjoys making out with his daughter Roxanne (BARBARA PERKINS), is kind enough to show his chosen mark an extravagantly bacchanalian lifestyle before the big switch-a-roo, all to the chagrin of Myles' suspicious wife Paula (JACQUELINE BISSET).With the aid of some blue-tinted, supernatural GALAXY GLUE, all of Ely's and his evil daughter's plans effortlessly come to fruition and the switch is made. However, the Devil does not offer services for free. Mere worship won't get you or Ely a cup of coffee, so a human sacrifice is thrown into the mix in the form of dubious ALDA-BISSETT offspring Abby (supremo seventies child actress PAMELYN FERDIN). Paula puts the pieces together thanks to her husband's newfound uncharacteristic love making skills and some recurring psychedelic dreams that barely stop short of spelling it out for her. With the members of her once happy family either very dead or floating in FREAKY FRIDAY-land, Paula decides to fight fire with fire and make her own bargain with the big guy downstairs. This NIGHT GALLERY-esque soapy gothic would have benefited from a more virile lead than ALDA, but it's more than idiosyncratic enough to keep your interest. Beware the final frame though, it will leave you hanging like a fern in a macramé plant holder!

• He thinks he's people! The evil black dog puts a human mask on at the crazy New Year's "Dress As Your Favorite Animal" shin-ding!
• Ely's evil plans include buying everything at Paula's swanky '70s boutique!
• Note to self: Never let anyone make a plaster mask of your face!
• "We could use a new brand of scotch. This tastes like a poor man's kilt."
• Roxanne's ex-husband knows too much and ends up all dead at the bottom of a beach accessible staircase
• Special shadowy guest star: Satan himself!

Three maniacs escape from the local funny farm, clobber some clowns and swipe their get-ups. Bad news for all, but especially bad news for Casey Collins (NATHAN FORREST WINTERS) who suffers from coulrophobia, the fear of clowns. Like ants to cotton candy, the trio of lunatics finds their way to Casey's house and there proceed to terrorize him and his two brothers, one of whom is portrayed by a young, already commanding SAM ROCKWELL. This is one compact bloodless thriller that really gets under the skin. The sense of dread is palpable, and it perfectly captures the spooky/excited feeling you get as a youngster when you're left at home alone for the first time. It also makes an earnest attempt to get to the roots of a child's fear of clowns. Casey explains that it's their fake painted on smiles that freak him out, and that you "never really know what they (clowns) are thinking." Sentiments like that make it hard to watch CLOWNHOUSE without seeing it through the filter of director VICTOR SALVA's conviction for the molestation of its youngest star. It coats the entire predator/prey angle of the film like a thick layer of grease paint. Luckily, I did see this film before such information was made public, and I can remember clearly how scary I thought it was even without that knowledge. (SALVA went on to direct the JEEPERS CREEPERS films that have similar telling themes throughout.) As sad as the film's regrettable history may be, there's no way around the fact that it does truly work wonderfully as a bare bones horror film (I'll even throw in my biggest compliment, it recalls early CARPRNTER), and no discussion of good killer clown movies would be complete without its mention.

• Scariest gypsy lady ever committed to film
• Attack of the clown's tent
• The brothers screaming, "The clowns are coming!" not realizing they actually are
• The first time Casey sees the clowns outside playing with the noose in the tree
• The walk to the store to get popcorn while clowns trail behind
• Most inept 911 call ever