kindertrauma

Frozen (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I know I may judge things too quickly but trust me; I'm always so excited to be wrong. In fact, I wish I could be wrong more often. Wrongness makes me super happy. Late last night I thought I'd catch ADAM GREEN's FROZEN on the pay-per-view. As it started, I thought, "Oh crap, this is a ‘dude' movie, I just paid five bucks for a ‘dude' movie and I'm not in the mood." I like dude movies for sure but sometimes I need a little more than wheelie popping and hackie sack playing from my movie characters. Chances are, no matter who you are, I don't care about your car. Well, I couldn't have been more wrong about the trio of characters that were introduced at the beginning of FROZEN, I thought I was going to hate them and now I can't stop thinking about them.

FROZEN is an arduous experience with an emphasis on experience. As the credits rolled at the end I realized that I was exiting a very different door than the one that I came in through. In a way it kind of brought back memories of the OPEN WATER films (Yes, I even dug the second one) but it really kicks the dilemma and the human element up a few hundred notches (not to mention feet.)

The premise involves two guys, a girl and a soon to be unanimous desperate longing for a pizza place, getting trapped on a ski lift half way up the mountain. With its stagnant setting and limited cast, FROZEN could not have been an easy film to pull off but GREEN certainly does so in spades. There is real suspense here and moments that had me wincing and holding my head in horror. As far as delivering the thrills go, I doubt the screws could have been tightened with better expertise but ultimately we get much more than an endurance test.

I don't want to ruin much here but GREEN, who also wrote the screenplay, does an incredible job with the human element of this film. Imagine THE BREAKFAST CLUB facing death. The nightmare scenario drifts down in such a way that I think anyone could relate. It brings forth moments in life when we realize we really may be up shit's creek and that things may not just magically turn around for the better. We watch and feel the characters come to this horrid epiphany and it's nearly impossible not to put yourself into their ski shoes.

Both KEVIN ZEGERS and SHAWN ASHMORE deliver strong, believable performances as two long time friends facing the end but who the heck is this EMMA BELL? EMMA BELL is frickin' above and beyond amazing in this! She was killing me! I actually wanted to tell her, "Stop!" at one point because I was about to (sniff) lose it! In fact I don't even want to think about it right now, it's a nice day. I'm almost mad about being manipulated in such a way but I think there is so much truth in the dialogue and I know that my mind would be going to the same places that these characters' minds go to in this situation. Really, the direction impresses a lot but the writing even more so.

So, short review because the less you know the better but an overall tip of the wool cap to all involved for making me squirm like a worm and actually making me feel something for some folks I initially wanted to shrug off. Check this one out whenever and however you get the chance. If you think you know the direction that the cold wind is going to blow in FROZEN, let me assure you that you're probably just as wrong as I was.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Nicki on Deeds Done Good

Posted on By aunt john

Hello,

Wondering if anyone knows what my middle school trauma was:

In home economics, when there was a substitute teacher, the class had to watch a video about doing good deeds. There was a creepy ass, CYNDI LAUPER meets SHELLEY DUVALL-type woman with a super screechy voice who was supposed to teach children who had stolen something out of a store (I think they stole jewelry) to do good deeds. She keeps magically appearing with this device called a "Deedio" and keeps singing this song with the lyrics, "Turn on the Deedio and do good deeeeeeeeds!"

If anyone knows what this video is, please let me know! That woman was super scary! This has been driving both me and my brother crazy for the past 8 years or so trying to figure out what it is. Plus that damn song still gets plastered in my brain after all these years.

Thanks!

—Nicki

Traumafessions :: Readers Grayson K. & Justin L. on Hasbro's Monster Face

Posted on By aunt john

KINDERTRAUMA!

I'm actually kind of surprised that this isn't on your site already. One of my earliest memories (I think I was four) was being at my parents friend's house who ran a daycare. For some reason I had to sleep in her older son's room by myself. I'll never forget being alone in that dark room and suddenly seeing a horrible, deformed life sized head looking right at me! The head was none other than Hasbro's Monster Face. It was a kind of a Mr. Potato Head for older children and came with a bunch of different accessories to customize it's heinousness.

This memory has slid through my brain off and on throughout my life, but it wasn't until about a month ago that I tracked down what this horrible head in my memory was I wasn't sure if I had even made up this memory until a few hours of internet searches revealed that this THING does exist… and it's name is MONSTER FACE!

— Grayson K.

When I was a kid, like all young boys, I loved disgusting and scary things. Hasbro knows its demographic and in 1992 released Monster Face. It was a mad scientist take on Mr. Potato Head. You could add body parts, bugs, etc. But one of the things I remember most was the container of snot that came with it. There was a spot on the back of the head to pour in the snot and it would ooze out of the nose.

This is one of the most haunting memories from my childhood. At night, seeing the face partially illuminated scared me to no end. I believed that the face would come to life in the middle of the night. I eventually became so frightened that I had to cover the face before I went to bed.

I remembered this terrifying toy after reading other similar stories on your blog. I googled for a while before finally coming across its name and soon found other recollections similar to my own. It's good to know that I'm not alone in being tortured by this thing.

Justin L.

Let Me In

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I, for one, did not need another film version of JOHN AJVIDE LINDQVIST's novel LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. The 2008 Swedish film of the same title directed by TOMAS ALFREDSON is, in my opinion, as good as it gets. Still, I couldn't help but be curious. Plus, how in the name of hell was I NOT going to support the first HAMMER production in nearly thirty-five years? Seriously, I felt like I got my moolah's worth as soon as I saw that legendary name projected upon the theater screen…

The good news is that LET ME IN, directed by CLOVERFIELD's MATT REEVES, is NOT a steaming pile of useless garbage. Maybe it's my vivid imagination but I detected an earnest affection for the material. I can't say it casts the same lyrical spell that the earlier interpretation did but it does score gold stars for the respect it pays the core relationship within the story. I have no idea why it chooses to indulge in subpar CGI when it is clearly unnecessary but overall LET ME IN is nothing if not dignified. Most miraculously, it has a purposeful patience and a rare kind of faith that its audience doesn't require non-stop jump jolts and bombastic musical cues masquerading as scares to remain attentive.

(Some might argue that its poor box office showing proves that faith was squandered but c'mon, why would anyone think remaking a two-year-old film, vampiric or otherwise, would be a sure thing?)

Chances are you are already familiar with LET ME IN's plot. A lonely bullied boy (this time named Owen rather than Oskar) befriends a vampire (this time named Abby instead of Eli) and both parties gain comfort from their quixotic bond. The boy learns to defend himself, the vampire learns to trust and every one rejoices when a douchbag's decapitated head sinks to the bottom of a swimming pool.

As you might have guessed I LOVE this story! Both cinematic adaptations shy away from the gender smudging found in the book but slyly slide the same gist forward anyway. Spiritual connection is the point here and whatever junk one may be packing is incidental. It's the type of symbiotic platonic relationship that is rarely acknowledged or celebrated in our culture. (Possibly because Madison Avenue has yet to discover anything as potent as gender inadequacy fears to sell antiperspirant.) Well, the world may not have much use for bonds like Owen's and Abby's but they themselves sure do. Is it romantic? Yes, anytime someone gifts you a Rubik's cube it's fucking romantic.

NOTE: Strangely enough the other night I was watching 1995's LEAVING LAS VEGAS and was struck by how much it resembled LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. Just switch out the blood for booze and you have a sister tale of lost souls building their own hideaway from the world and creating a relationship based on their own and not traditional terms.

As much as LET ME IN doesn't suck, there's not much that the 2008 version doesn't do better than the 2010 one. Some shoes require more than noble intentions to fill them. That said, I did find enjoyment in some of the newer version's riffs and alterations. REEVES' choice to amp up Owen's latch key solitude by CHARLES SHULTZ-ing his parents into non-entities is cynical, savvy and spot on. He also ends up giving vampire Abby's caretaker/father (the always marvy RICHARD JENKINS) a much more robust and ultimately more frightening spin. There's a car crash scene he's involved in that will undoubtedly have many folks double checking their seatbelts far into the future.

Being permanently trapped in the eighties my rad self (by choice mind you!) I also slobbered at the welcome edition of poppy new wave hits by gender blenders BOWIE and BOY GEORGE. The piece de resistance for me though occurs when Abby pushes the play button on a tape player in a makeshift clubhouse and none other than my juju jam FRUER's DOOT DOOT begins its cricket chirping intro. I know I've mentioned it once before but that song gives my goosebumps goosebumps and it's a perfect choice here for another blast of menthol.

Hate to say it but the biggest problem for me lies in this film's two leads. Both CHLOE MORTEZ as Abby and KODI-SMIT MCHEE as Owen do incredible, outstanding jobs with their parts but I found it near impossible to let go of LINA LEANDERSON and KARE HEDEBRANT's interpretations. (Obviously that's a bias that will not hit you if you are seeing this version first.) Both kids had my support and sympathy but a neon sign in my noggin kept flashing "Imposter!" Like cloned sheep, BLADE RUNNER replicants and that dang robot kid from A.I., I wished them the best but couldn't quit shake the feeling of some kind of glossy innate falsity. Maybe that's just my hang-up; MORTEZ can act up a storm all she wants but at the end of the day I'll always prefer my vampire critters looking more like ALICE COOPER than SCARLETT JOHANSSON. In a similar way the whole of the newer version is just a tad bit too pristine and lacks the natural more earthy rawness of the previous film.

Alright, I admit it, I miss the killer kitties, is that so wrong?

Separating legitimate criticism from knee jerk loyalty gets a bit like untangling Christmas lights here. I guess the important thing is that LET ME IN does a better job than one could reasonably expect, all things considered. Arriving unfashionably late and offering not much more than another excuse not to read something, its fate as an also-ran is pretty much sealed. On the other hand, I think the material deserves to be discovered in any way it can be; if this version is able to reach somebody that the first film or the novel failed to then more power to it. I say experience LET THE RIGHT ONE IN in any way, shape, format or under any title you can. It not only avoids the superficial mire most vampire tales get stuck in but it stands as a gleaming example of the vast depths that the horror genre, in general, is capable of and is rarely given credit for. If you've seen the first film, there's a "been there done that" quality to LET ME IN for sure, but personally I'd much rather retrace these worthwhile footsteps in the snow than follow another newer path that leads absolutely nowhere.

Name That Trauma :: Reader Jeremy S. on Sticky Stairs

Posted on By aunt john

I'm pretty much out of options here and I just found you guys. I heard you've helped people find movies in the past and are very knowledgeable about horror movies. I'm coming to you on the end of my rope.

I believe this was from the late ‘80s. In this movie there's a guy crawling up stairs, but they're like gooey, like marshmallow or something and he's sticking to them. Then his girlfriend axes him in the back thinking he's one of the monsters or whatever that's trying to kill them and their friends. He may have been wearing a leather jacket.

Possibly in the movie but not sure: There may have been a farmhouse, some kind of statue remembering people that died, and possibly a graveyard. I believe this was from the late ‘80s. Also that scene I remember may have been taking place in a basement.



UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to reader Mincemeat for coming forward with GHOSTHOUSE!

Trauma-List :: Reader Carol McM's Creepy Lady Faces!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

O.K. – it has taken me way too long to finish this up – but finally here it is! I got the idea of compiling creepy lady faces from way back when that whole TOP TEN WILLY MOMENTS thing was going on and some of these are on the list on my blog (UNK NOTE:: Go to that swell spot HERE!) but not all of them. They probably should have been though cause I can't think of much more that kept me in a constant state of freaked-out when I was a kid than these ladies faces visiting me in the night.

As an adult I have added a few more ladies to the list…and they tend to sneak up on me in the middle of nights when I am feeling rather weak and feeble – such as Unk's addition to his top 10 willy inducing moments list of the lady in SATAN'S TRIANGLE, and the originator of the willy list idea, ANDRE of THE HORROR DIGEST's addition of the old witch lady from BLACK SABBATH. Also, I was a little disappointed that there weren't more faces to add. I really thought there would be like 10, at least. These are in no particular order of how much they scared me. Actually they aren't in any order at all – I just don't feel like moving them around. And I'm not really going into major details with some of these. You will understand what I'm saying if either you've seen them, or you are planning on seeing them, or you know exactly what I'm thinking, or all three.

THE OMEN – Mrs. Baylock

I've noticed that most people, when referring to creepy goings on in THE OMEN, usually point to the nanny who hangs herself out the window during the birthday party. While that is kinda creepy, to me that is nothing compared to Mrs. Baylock sneaking up on the mom while she is trying to put on her shirt in the hospital. Her face is so menacing and she keeps coming closer and closer to the camera, and all the while LEE REMICK is struggling is a position that would make anyone feel vulnerable.

BURNT OFFERINGS – Marian Rolf as Mrs. Allardyce

I think this is quite possibly one of the most mentioned '70s horror scary lady faces. At least it is in my head. I think the photo speaks for itself.


Honorable mention: BETTE DAVIS' face while she is writhing in pain from a broken back.

ENCOUNTER WITH THE UNKNOWN – Mrs. Davis (or the lady in the cemetery)

This movie is a horror trilogy that scared the pants off me as a young child, and this lady was the main reason. Her face haunted me for years and whenever I couldn't make out my sister's face in the dark it would morph into this face. I was on a desperate horror trilogy search for most of my 20s and when I finally found it, on TV late at night, I was thrilled but it had lost 90% of its impact. O.K. more like 99% of its impact. The movie is nice for nostalgic reasons, or if you like '70s horror just for the feel – but it's not very scary.

EAST OF EDEN – Kate Ames

This was a made-for-T.V. mini-series that came out in 1981 that was very popular with the folks (mostly ladies and young girls) who liked their epic romances. I watched it with my mom and sister and i liked it's soft focus, flowery, olden days style, but it really picked up in the second half when the lovely young Cathy turned into incredibly creepy prostitute, then brothel owner Kate Ames. I won't go into the story too much cause it's all long and complex and none of it has a point here. Basically every time we see Kate she is in all black with a big hat and veil and when she speaks she is very bitter and scary and at the very end she is suffering from rheumatoid arthritis, and some sort of crazy lady disease – maybe syphilis, since she's a prostitute. We see her in a small room with one dim lamp and she looks like a freak!

When I was trying to find images online from what I remembered of the end of this series there was absolutely no image anywhere even remotely resembling Kate in this state of madness and all in black. All the photos online are of Cathy with long lush hair and white frilly dresses and soft focus lenses. So I got the movie from Netflix and took some screen shots and watched this last part and was surprised by how creepy it still was to me. At this point she is clearly out of her mind and is saying something like "What they don't know is… I can make myself so small…that they can't even see me." She says something to that effect in a creepy whisper over and over again and the camera simultaneously pulls back up to the ceiling so that she becomes smaller and smaller in the shot. Plus she's smiling.

THIS HOUSE POSSESSED – Rag Lady

There are more reason's to watch this movie than PARKER STEVENSON. In fact the whole movie is really great and he is just the icing on the cake. I saw this movie many many times in my youth and the character of the rag lady (and she is credited on IMDb) was the part that creeped me out the most. Just her face here with the sad, scared eyes and the general old lady creepiness is creepy, but there is a part that scared me so much I couldn't watch it for years.

In this scene the rag lady gets swept into a boiling swimming pool and her face in the water was just too much for me to take – as a youngster, that is. As an adult I'm all "What ev' THIS HOUSE POSSESSED, you don't scare me anymore." In fact now this movie makes me feel all cozy inside.


Honorable mention: When the blonde lady slides down the glass shower door all covered in blood – with her mouth open and screaming and all.

SYBIL – Hattie Dorsett (the mom)

She is just plain scary. I just recently saw an episode of MISSION IMPOSSIBLE that she is in – from the first season in 1966 – and she looks almost exactly the same – with the same hair do.

DARKROOM – The Witch

This is from the DARKROOM TV series from 1981 that I watched every week. Unfortunately, it didn't last very long, and I really don't remember anything of the other stories but this one that scared the CRAP out of me. The title of the story is "Catnip" and the whole synopsis is on the site THE HAUNTED CLOSET, so I won't write it out here – but the ultra scary moment is when this kid looks under his bed, thinking he is going to see a cat that jumped in his window, and he sees this creepy-ass witch's face hissing at him. I'm telling you it added a whole new level of fear to the what's going on under the bed thing. I mean now I couldn't even check under the bed cause seeing this face under there would be worse than just laying in bed sweating and wringing my hands. Then, at the end of the episode the kids mother is calling him and he doesn't answer and his mother says "What's the matter…cat got your tongue?" I don't think you see the kid anymore – and all I could imagine was that scary witch gnawing on his tongue. Creepy.

Oh and thanks so much to THE HAUNTED CLOSET for the screen shot – I never thought I'd see this creepy old lady again!

UNK SEZ:: Thanks for the great list Carol! I'm happy to tell you that I found that THE DARKROOM episode "Catnip" on YouTube!

Traumafessions :: Rev. Wayne Austin Goodchild of They Call Me Potato on Reeves and Mortimer's 'Masterchef'

Posted on By aunt john

Hello Kindertrauma!

Whilst balancing cutlery on my fingers the other day I was reminded of something that deeply disturbed me, although it's supposed to be weird so I'm not sure if it classes as a boney fidey trauma. And despite being 15 at the time, and already lapping up hideously gory films and whatnot, it still managed to freak me out. What is this devilry of which I speak? Why, only VIC REEVES' interpretation of the mangled-accent MASTERCHEF host LOYD GROSSMAN!

I'm not sure how popular/known REEVES AND MORTIMER are on that side of the pond, so a quick spiel about them: they rose to prominence in the mid-‘90s with a variety of surreal comedy shows, the most famous being THE SMELL OF REEVES AND MORTIMER, where they occasionally worked alongside other comedians like MATT LUCAS (LITTLE BRITAIN) and CHARLIE HIGSON (THE FAST SHOW). They were known for being, quite simply, very very strange. Here's a YouTube clip of the inexplicable MASTERCHEF sketch that gave me the willies (and still does, a little bit). May it haunt your collective dreams from now on!

Regards,

Rev. Wayne Austin Goodchild