kindertrauma

Kinder-Taining :: Ain't No Party Like The Baby Party, ‘Cause The Baby Party Don't Stop!

Posted on By aunt john

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

Hello children, Aunt John here with another one of my sure-fire entertaining tips. Normally, when one thinks of a birthday party, certain elements come to mind: balloons, streamers, ice cream cake, pony rides, presents, and even a birthday boy or girl. While all of these are normally involved, I'm here to tell you to start thinking outside of the birthday gift box. You see, as a hostess renowned for nothing but the most lavish and memorable of shing-digs, your Aunt John learned everything there is to know about party throwing from the 1973 classic THE BABY.

Honestly, it doesn't take too much to be a hostess with the mostest, simply follow these ten easy steps:

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

1. Parties should only be thrown as a cover for taking out your detractors. For example, say you are raising an adult child suffering from irreversible infantilism, and there is a pert-breasted social worker with ulterior motives nipping at your heels, invite her to a party at your house.

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

2. Go through the usual motions: blow up some balloons, throw some streamers about, stock up the bar, and bake a cake (or to save time, buy a day-old one on the discount rack at your local supermarket). Make your home looks super festive so the target thinks she's at just another birthday party.

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

3. Get your creepiest male friend (he really needs to wear a fringed suede jacket) to hit on the target. If anything, this will make her extremely uncomfortable and start the necessary pattern of distraction.

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

4. As hostess, it's incumbent upon you to look your best and surround yourself with the hottest men in the room. Might I suggest donning an animal print metallic tunic, and surrounding yourself with poor-man equivalents of LESLIE NEILSEN and The Big Ragoo. Make sure the target sees how sexy you look.

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

5. Get one your improbably good-looking daughters to engage the social worker in a friendly game of darts. Thanks to the target's competitive nature this friendly game will keep her eyes off her glass of punch. For added distraction, feel free to hire a TOM BOSLEY impersonator to cheer from the davenpaort.

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

6. Make yourself the center of attention -- you are the hostess after all -- by luring the LESLIE NEILSEN look-a-like in the pleather coat to the dance floor. Don't be afraid to bust the forbidden, dare I say Lambada style, dance moves!

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

7. Motion to your other, could-be-hot-but-has-the-weirdest-hair-ever, daughter to spike and switch out the target's glass of punch.

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

8. Wait for the target to imbibe her freshly laced drink.

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

9. When the sedative kicks in, quickly escort her from the party, under the guise that you will put her to bed. Take her to the basement and hog-tie her. She will be dealt with later.

The Baby, 1973, Ruth Roman

10. Head back to the party and get your drink on... you are the hostess after all!

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Traumafessions :: Reader Jen P. on Alice in Wonderland (1985)

Posted on By aunt john

Here's a good one for you guys! You know what scared the daylights out of me as a kid, and still today? The 1985 made-for-TV version of ALICE IN WONDERLAND, the one with all the celebrities. It was a great movie for kids! Minus the rather disturbing cameo by CAROL CHANNING, wherein she sings about jam and convulses, and even more frighteningly, when she just fucking loses it:

But, come the funk on, people. The movie was appropriate until you took the famed Jabberwocky, the dragon of Wonderland, and SENT IT BACK INTO REAL LIFE IN ALICE'S FREAKING LIVING ROOM. She thinks she's gone back home, and when she gets there, the house is empty. She sees her parents and her cat on the other side of the mirror, and of course, they can't see her. and she starts to read "Jabberwocky," and scary ‘effing music plays, and a giant monster comes into the room!

And if you thought that would be the fortunate end of the Jabberwocky, of course not. He appears yet again as soon as Alice is crowned Queen in Wonderland…this time, in the presence of nutjob CAROL CHANNING. TERRIFYING!

Oh hell, this is STILL my Kindertrauma.

The Fly 2

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I had such a splendorific time re-watching DAVID CRONENBERG's THE FLY that I thought it appropriate that I should give its 1989 sequel THE FLY 2 a spin. I remember seeing it when it initially came out and although I wasn't a giant fan at the time, I recalled that the special effects were pretty darn cool. Since super crappy THE EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC was able to somehow win my heart when I gave it a second look-see, who was to say the same would not occur again? Well, THE FLY 2 was to say that it would not occur again because, to me, it really does kinda stink some.

The tag line reads "Like Father, Like Son" but that's just all so much wishful thinking on the part of THE FLY 2. Unlike THE EXORCIST II which at least lubricates its lameness with intoxicating looneyness, this sequel is mostly pure drudgery through and through. It's actually just depressing and not the good kind of depressing either. I mean there is the romantic, honey-flavored, sigh on your bed and listen to THE CURE type of depressing and then there is the mildew smelling stare at a blank wall and have your soul raped by THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECT type found here. From its opening shot, which resembles bad television more than a feature film, to its mucky torturous porridge slurping final shot, this film just won't let up with its blotchy blandness. Sadly the special effects that I remembered fondly didn't even have the decency to hold up (some are still pretty cool though, see above).

The movie begins with a dark haired lady that is supposed to be GEENA DAVIS's character Veronica giving birth and promptly dropping dead. This is all taken in by lone returner JOHN GETZ, the bad guy boss from the first movie, who, for his sake, I hope was wearing a fake beard. It turns out the Brundle baby Seth is not a giant maggot (which I think Veronica would have been pretty happy about if she wasn't pushing up daisies with Newt from ALIEN 3 and Alice from FRIDAY THE 13THE PART II), but he does have some accelerated age thing going on, and is kinda turning into a giant fly regardless of not being born a maggot and, worse of all, has to live his short bleak life uncannily resembling Rocky Dennis.

Sadly all the action takes place in these colorless fake looking science labs where you don't ever get a glimpse of the sun, but you do have to bump into DAPHNE ZUNIGA from time to time. There are plenty of mean scientists and security guards all over the place that act in such a way as to secure their own doom when Seth gets his insect on near the end of the picture and seeks revenge for his under a microscope upbringing and being secretly videotaped bumping uglies with ZUNIGA. There is nothing resembling a pace or even a pulse here, and you just sort of wait and wait for special effects artist turned director CHRIS WALAS to get to the underwhelming finale.

I can't really blame the producers for trying to snare a younger audience back in 1989 as Freddy Krueger was currently raking in major coinage, but the degree of dumbing down that takes place in THE FLY 2 is kinda infuriating. Some effort was made to do something a bit different than you might expect, but it's certainly not enough to make up for all the clunky foot dragging and the morose tone. I realize that the first FLY was not exactly the feel good movie of the century, but at least you were left with the feeling of joy that accompanies witnessing a job well done. I know that it would be madness to expect this sequel in particular to be on par with the original but, even giving it the most leeway I know how, it still leaves me with some sort of grubby feeling I can't explain…

…or maybe I can. Look, I know this is a horror film and in horror films bad, bad stuff is bound to occur but what befalls little Seth's only pal, a cute golden retriever, who ends up looking like one of my cat's fur balls spliced with a Vienna sausage, as they say, shouldn't happen to a dog. As much as I hate to admit it, I have to give the Devil his due here and admit that the whole howling mutant dog routine is pretty effective and certainly the stuff of Kindertraumas. To be honest, it may be the reason I find this movie so laborious to endure. Couldn't they have used ZUNIGA as a test subject instead?

Traumafessions :: Reader Matthew H. on The Toxic Avenger

Posted on By aunt john

Hello! I love your website. I would be surprised if I were the first person to suggest this film scene but I did not find it with the search tool. Here's my story:

I went from being more scared of horror movies than anyone as a kid to a slightly older kid who loved EVIL DEAD 2 and the like. The first 10 minutes of THE TOXIC AVENGER took the piss out of me and made me radically reassess my assumption at age 13 or so that I had because I'd seen CALIGULA and DEAD ALIVE, nothing could shock me; nothing in a cult movie, anyway. THE TOXIC AVENGER is one of the biggest bad-taste, gross-out must-see legends, like PINK FLAMINGOS or THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. So of course I had to see it.. I'd already read a brief description of the scene in Troma Films president and director LLOYD KAUFMAN's book, ""All I Need to Know about Filmmaking I Learned from the Toxic Avenger."

The group of bullies, which accidentally send a nerd into toxic waste after a prank gone wrong, thus transforming him into THE TOXIC AVENGER, also drive around the little town playing DEATH RACE 2000 where different types of pedestrians are worth different amounts of points. Like most 13-year-olds, I'd already thought of some variations on that joke myself, but had never seen it in a movie outside the ultra campy and sci-fi oriented DEATH RACE 2000. I figured I'd be ready to watch some equivalent.

Boy, was I wrong. This scene is ridiculously effectively disturbing for three big reasons and it's probably the one movie scene I still feel queasy watching to this day – and was almost violently ill when watching as a kid.

Despite THE TOXIC AVENGER being full of bloody slapstick, the hit-and-run scene is not slapstick except for the laughing drunkenness of the killers. The kid they run down doesn't make any wacky sound effects, he gets run over, wounded, and run over again pretty much the way 10-year-old kid on a bicycle would. Child murder is pretty rare in movies period, but playing it for sadistic laughs is something I've never seen anywhere else.

Also disturbing is that this is the first act of violence in the movie. Because of Troma's attempt at a comedy/horror dichotomy, the opening scenes of the film which precede are basically your average 1980s comedy where a nerd is picked on at a health club by goofy jock bullies and their 1980s hairdo bimbo girlfriends. Seeing those same comedy stereotypes mocking and then murdering a child creates a slight mental shock!

In fact, the jovial comedy mood carries over from those scenes so much, there's a catchy tune playing on the soundtrack through the entire scene, making it funnier or more disturbing depending on the viewer.

The ONLY thing I could be grateful for is that I hadn't seen this when I was just a little younger. I'd been spooked when riding around the neighborhood on my bike, a few more years earlier could've been horrific — ESPECIALLY since THE TOXIC AVENGER was turned into a cartoon in the early '90s, and the original movie was there in the video store for the kids to find! Later I met people who'd fallen into that trap, and some Kindertrauma was healed…

Still, this scene remains immortal.

AUNT JOHN SEZ: To read more by Matt, be sure to check out CINEMACHINE!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Erczilla on a Spooky Samurai

Posted on By aunt john

I have a memory of a horror movie involving a Samurai ghost and possibly evil crabs that carry the ghost's spirits into the house? I can also remember a female being possessed by the spirit and holding a Samurai sword against the male protagonist. I have tried searching the interwebs high and low and still have no trace of this movie. Did I just imagine it? Did I read too many ERIC VAN LUSTBADER books in my youth? I appreciate the help!

UNK SEZ: Erczilla, I really hope the movie you are talking about is 1982's THE HOUSE WHERE EVIL DWELLS otherwise that means there is more than one horror movie out there that features both Samurai ghosts and pesky killer crabs! HOUSE starred EDWARD ALBERT, SUSAN GEORGE and the one and only TROY, I mean, DOUG McCLURE and it was directed by McGLURE's frequent collaborator KEVIN CONNER. I was never a big fan of this one but as I recall, there was a pretty good decapitation in it and at some point a ghost face had the nerve to appear in a bowl of soup!



UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Erczilla wrote in to say:

You hit the nail on the head with THE HOUSE WHERE EVIL DWELLS. I have been looking for the title of that movie for years. Thanks so much!

The Possessed

Posted on By unkle lancifer

With all the countless hours I spent watching the boob tube in my youth, how is it even possible that I have never come across the 1977 made-for-television EXORCIST wannabe entitled THE POSSESSED? Jeez, the darn thing takes place in an all girls school and stars DEAD AND BURIED's JAMES FARENTINO for Pete's sake. FARENTINO plays an ex-priest who, during a near death experience, is told to get his ass back to Earth and start stomping evil. That premise alone would have placed it high on my must obsess about list but egad, the entire cast is like a who's who of soon to be stalked by me stars.

Just imagine that future Wookie pal, whip virtuoso and debatable Replicant HARRISON FORD shows up to play a smoldering, in more way than one, biology teacher; and his hot to trot students include ANN DUSENBERRY (JAWS 2), DIANA SCARWID (PSYCHO 3), DINAH MANOFF (CHILD'S PLAY) and wholly Toledo P.J., "I always forget my chemistry book and my math book, and my English book, and my, let's see, my French book, and… well who needs books anyway, I don't need books, I always forget all my books, I mean, it doesn't really matter if you have your books or not" SOLES of you know, HALLOWEEN (and of course, CARRIE).

O.K. it's not exactly scary by today's standards, and it is of course stifled a bit in its need to keep notice of prime time censors, but I feel pretty confident that if I had caught this back in my youth it would have freaked me out in a serious way. FARENTINO begins investigating a number of increasingly dangerous fires that seem to be igniting on their own or perhaps are sparked by one of the school girl's unwanted affiliation with the occult. Before you know it some characters are exiting stage right engulfed by flames and eventually the culprit is revealed to be someone rather low on the suspect list. The final poolside showdown between priest and possessed may lack spinning heads and levitation, but it almost makes up for that with it's one of a kind nail spitting sequence.

Truth be told, Aunt John (an unrepentant devotee of nonsensical made-for-T.V. cinema) was more than a little miffed that zero was given as far as any explanation for what we had just witnessed, and he does have a point. Who knows what the hell was going on at this crazy school where kids ride their bikes in the hall and HARRISON FORD is treated like a garden variety himbo? Frankly, I'm not sure I want to know. I just wish this baby was made into a series. Plus c'mon, I'm not the type to look a gift P.J. SOLES in the mouth, especially if that mouth has the potential to spit nails!

Name That Trauma :: Reader Grokenstein on a Final Girl Finale

Posted on By aunt john

Hi!

I've got a movie in the back of my skull that I hope the Traumateers can identify, but it's a bit of a spoiler as it's just the end of the movie; in fact it's just the end credit sequence! There's no music score as the credits roll, but rather, voice-over dialog and assorted scenery shots. As the credits end, the movie abruptly "resumes" for its real ending. Here's the details:

Final Girl has escaped death at the hands of some crazy family/cult/group, some of whom she has killed. Apparently, she was supposed to be "sacrificed" before midnight. As the credits roll and the visuals switch to actor-free scenery, she returns with the local sheriff and deputies, only to find that all traces of her nightmare have been cleaned up. The skeptical sheriff arrests Final Girl after a deputy "finds" marijuana in her car, which she of course denies. As the credits end, Final Girl is put in a jail cell and left alone. She's distraught until she sees the clock on the far wall; it's almost midnight, and she says she's safe now.

At this moment, her "cellmate," an old woman hiding in the shadows in the corner, announces that there's still plenty of time, and lunges at Final Girl as she turns to the camera and screams. Freeze frame as her scream reverberates. Fade out.

…That's it. I have no other details to add, but I need to find out what movie this is so I can see the rest of the damned thing!

Help meeeeeeee!

Thanks,

Grokenstein

UPDATE: NAME THAT TRAUMA SOLVED! Special thanks to Father Merrin for realizing it was WARLOCK MOON!

Traumafessions :: Richard of Doomed Moviethon on Alligator

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Shortly after I had discovered the horror of JAWS and the irrational fear of even the shallowest of waters, my parents introduced my sister and I to the 1980 film ALLIGATOR. The scene that shook me to the core of my being was the birthday party scene when some bratty kids blindfold an unlucky youngster and took him to walk the plank. The plank, of course, is the diving board of their pool and as luck would have it, the titular beast is waiting hungrily at the bottom. This takes place at night so the kids don't know of the danger until somebody's parent turns on the pool lights revealing 36-feet of alligator badness.

You know how things slow down when you're scared? This scene seemed hours long to my kid-brain. The way I perceived this moment was that the kids KNEW the alligator was in that pool and were trying to kill their friend ON PURPOSE. So what is really just a great scare in a horror movie turned into this long, protracted and sadistic murder scene. Was this a nihilistic comment on the state of children in the 1980s? Probably not, but on the following Monday morning, I viewed the other kids at my grade school in a different and much more suspicious light.

UNK SEZ: Great traumafession Richard! Just what one would expect from the brilliant mind behind DOOMED MOVIETHON and the equally awesome DOOMED MOVIEBLOG!