kindertrauma

The Mephisto Waltz

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 It's easy to see why Satanists love the Devil so damn much. The Devil lets you do cool things like switch bodies with the young when you're getting a little long in the tooth. With a planet full of possible vessels, it is hard to believe that someone would choose Myles Clarkson (ALAN ALDA) as their new flesh-suit but, according to THE MEPHISTO WALTZ, ol' Hawkeye has some pretty awesome digits on his hands and they're just perfect for not long for this world devil worshiper/piano-man Duncan Ely (CURT JURGENS). Ely, who enjoys making out with his daughter Roxanne (BARBARA PERKINS), is kind enough to show his chosen mark an extravagantly bacchanalian lifestyle before the big switch-a-roo, all to the chagrin of Myles' suspicious wife Paula (JACQUELINE BISSET).With the aid of some blue-tinted, supernatural GALAXY GLUE, all of Ely's and his evil daughter's plans effortlessly come to fruition and the switch is made. However, the Devil does not offer services for free. Mere worship won't get you or Ely a cup of coffee, so a human sacrifice is thrown into the mix in the form of dubious ALDA-BISSETT offspring Abby (supremo seventies child actress PAMELYN FERDIN). Paula puts the pieces together thanks to her husband's newfound uncharacteristic love making skills and some recurring psychedelic dreams that barely stop short of spelling it out for her. With the members of her once happy family either very dead or floating in FREAKY FRIDAY-land, Paula decides to fight fire with fire and make her own bargain with the big guy downstairs. This NIGHT GALLERY-esque soapy gothic would have benefited from a more virile lead than ALDA, but it's more than idiosyncratic enough to keep your interest. Beware the final frame though, it will leave you hanging like a fern in a macramé plant holder!indelible scenes

  • He thinks he's people! The evil black dog puts a human mask on at the crazy New Year's "Dress As Your Favorite Animal" shin-ding!
  • Ely's evil plans include buying everything at Paula's swanky '70s boutique!
  • Note to self: Never let anyone make a plaster mask of your face!
  • "We could use a new brand of scotch. This tastes like a poor man's kilt."
  • Roxanne's ex-husband knows too much and ends up all dead at the bottom of a beach accessible staircase
  • Special shadowy guest star: Satan himself!

Kinder-news :: Unkle Lancifer interview

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Your own Unkle Lancifer was recently interviewed by Peter Gutierrez over at Firefox news. Those willing to peek behind the curtain here at Kindertrauma can find the interview HERE. Even if you're not particularly interested in the ramblings of yours truly, do yourself a favor and check out Peter's past articles concerning the world of horror. You won't be disappointed!

The Demonology of Desire

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

Love, especially young love, is a many-splendored thing. Unfortunately some of those "splendors" include a wrecking ball of absolute agony, an anvil of soul crushing confusion and for many, a bombardment of chemicals in the brain whose effects leave the victim, for all intents and purposes, clinically insane. Replacing schmaltz with gobs of gore, and purple prose with KATHY ACKER style diatribes, director RODRIGO GUDINO drags you through love's limb-strewn battlefield while always keeping one severed foot firmly planted in the horror genre. Romana (BIANCA RUSA) throws a wish out into the universe like many young girls do for love. She's wise enough to know that it is intensity, not candy and flowers that she desires. She is delivered 13-year-old Eric (TODOR PLOPEANU) whose heart basically has "kick-me" tattooed upon it. Along with Romana's best pal Sara (JEWELIA FISICO), they make an after school play-date destined to dissect the grotesque beast that romantic attraction invariably conjures. It turns out Romana and Sara are not only orchestrating a LADY IN A CAGE style home invasion in the house that they claimed to be Sarah's, but are also doing an Abu Ghraib number on an unnamable monstrosity that resides in the basement of the dwelling. Worse still, the hoops that Eric is prompted to leap through in order to prove his affections are placed just high enough to prove fatal if miscalculated. Finally, love's true nature caught on film! With a KENNETH ANGER-like raw vibrancy and a sincerity toward the anguish love spawns that recalls LUCKY MCKEE's MAY, GUDINO, along with cinematographer DEREK ROGERS, does in 22 minutes what most of those MASTERS OF HORROR episodes failed to do in twice the time. He delivers a unique vision with a distinctive voice that is, at turns, laugh out loud funny and hand wringlingly intense. Anyone who has ever nursed an infection from a poorly aimed Cupid's arrow will recognize this short film's pulsating, bloody heart. 

For more on DEMONOLOGY OF DESIRE and RODRIGO GUDINO check out his WEBSITE and MY SPACE PAGE!  

Traumafessions:: Reader Todd K. on The X-files "Home"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 

When I was little, I was allowed to watch the X-files with the rest of my older brothers and sisters because my parents considered it a good show. Sometimes it was scary, but most of the time I had no idea what was going on. One episode that changed my life forever was called "Home" from the 4th season. I just got it on DVD. The episode is about a family of inbred mutants called the Peacocks and it scared me so bad that I spent most of the show hiding behind my older sister. The mother of the Peacock family lived under a bed, so it was easy for me to imagine her under mine after the lights went out. These days it's an on going joke in my family to say, "Don't let the Peacocks bite" before going to sleep. This was pretty funny to a friend of mine when he was staying over because he thought we were talking about the birds until I explained it to him. It turned out he was scared of that episode too.

Grizzly

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

Christopher George is the coolest guy who ever lived!
Is CHRISTOPHER GEORGE the coolest guy who ever lived? There's plenty of evidence to support that theory. He had his own action figure, thanks to his stint on RAT PATROL. He was best buds with crooner JOHNNIE RAY (who was not only name dropped in the DEXYS MIDNIGHT RUNNER classic COME ON EILEEN but also inspired MORRISSEY'S hearing-aid fetish). He posed in PLAYGIRL, his niece is VANNA WHITE, he's worked along side folks as varied as JOHN WAYNE and LUCIO FULCI, and he was married to, and frequently costarred with the most beautiful woman in puppet land, LYNDA DAY GEORGE (Lucky BASTARD!). His grandest success may be his starring turn as Ranger Michael Kelly in GRIZZLY, the first film out of the gate in the animal run amuck gold rush that JAWS inspired. Bears, unlike sharks, who have unlovable ugly mugs, are kind of cute and cuddly. Even though if you met one in real life it probably would tear your face off, on screen they mostly inspire "Ahhhs" and have you wondering if you could fetch them a jar of honey. The bear in GRIZZY has this perception to work against throughout the film and the movie succeeds by alternating between adorable shots of the bear standing upright and less adorable shots of him bashing women's heads between tree trunks and decapitating innocent horses. I mean this bear is not kidding around. When our bear comes across a small albino-looking boy playing with a white rabbit in his yard, the viewer is right to assume a close call or cut away scene is on the horizon. Well not this time campers, this once PG-rated mountain of menace does not shy away from the red stuff. There's really only one man on earth that can take out a killing machine like the one described and that is our GEORGE. With a smirk, a wisecrack, a helicopter and a handy rocket launcher, he makes the woods safe again for children and bunnies everywhere. Directed by insane lunatic WILLIAM GIRDLER (DAY OF THE ANIMALS), GRIZZLY tastes like a s'mores and provides the same guilty pleasure as smearing a lightening bug into the asphalt to watch it's inwards glow.indelible scenes

  • The bear's attack on the female hikers, that crazy shack is no place to hide!
  • Not only does he kill a horse, he mauls its rider and buries him in the dirt!
  • R.I.P mother, child and bunny rabbit
  • Bear attacks the watch tower and pulverizes it and its contents
  • GEORGE's wonderfully delivered "Shit!!!"

Clownhouse

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Three maniacs escape from the local funny farm, clobber some clowns and swipe their get-ups. Bad news for all, but especially bad news for Casey Collins (NATHAN FORREST WINTERS) who suffers from coulrophobia, the fear of clowns. Like ants to cotton candy, the trio of lunatics finds their way to Casey's house and there proceed to terrorize him and his two brothers, one of whom is portrayed by a young, already commanding SAM ROCKWELL. This is one compact bloodless thriller that really gets under the skin. The sense of dread is palpable, and it perfectly captures the spooky/excited feeling you get as a youngster when you're left at home alone for the first time. It also makes an earnest attempt to get to the roots of a child's fear of clowns. Casey explains that it's their fake painted on smiles that freak him out, and that you "never really know what they (clowns) are thinking." Sentiments like that make it hard to watch CLOWNHOUSE without seeing it through the filter of director VICTOR SALVA's conviction for the molestation of its youngest star. It coats the entire predator/prey angle of the film like a thick layer of grease paint. Luckily, I did see this film before such information was made public, and I can remember clearly how scary I thought it was even without that knowledge. (SALVA went on to direct the JEEPERS CREEPERS films that have similar telling themes throughout.) As sad as the film's regrettable history may be, there's no way around the fact that it does truly work wonderfully as a bare bones horror film (I'll even throw in my biggest compliment, it recalls early CARPRNTER), and no discussion of good killer clown movies would be complete without its mention.indelible scenes

  • Scariest gypsy lady ever committed to film
  • Attack of the clown's tent
  • The brothers screaming, "The clowns are coming!" not realizing they actually are
  • The first time Casey sees the clowns outside playing with the noose in the tree
  • The walk to the store to get popcorn while clowns trail behind
  • Most inept 911 call ever

30 Days Of Night's Abbey-May Wakefield

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

30 days of night Vampire girl Abbey-May Wakefield
 30 DAYS OF NIGHT may not have set the world on fire in its theatrical run, but it's sure to find its proper brethren now that it's available for home viewing. Moody, grim and host to some old-school level gore, it's a worthy addition to any horror collection and a must see for vampire enthusiasts. The vampiric creatures that inhabit the film are an interesting lot and none more so than the scene swiping ABBEY-MAY WAKEFIELD. While JOSH HARTNET and crew are pillaging the local grocery for supplies, they encounter the little eight-year-old mid artery-splicing dinner. Her response to the rude interruption is to go all Tasmanian Devil on their asses. There's only one way to settle down the tantrum prone undead and it involves an ax. Her "You wanna play with me now?" line is almost a direct lift from Kinder-fave Cage's cranky phone threat in PET SEMATARY, but we're so smitten we've decided to chalk it up as being a knowing homage. Apologies are in order, if we were better informed or at least more prone to seeing films that were made after 1989, we would have certainly included you, Ms. WAKEFILED, on our KIDS OF HORROR:: BEST OF 2007 list. As it stands, this after the fact shout-out will have to suffice. Please don't bite us!  

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Paul X on SPACE 1999 "Dragon's Domain"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

What really scared me was an episode of Space 1999 called DRAGONS DOMAIN. A tentacled monster with a glowing eye that howled or screams would grab with its tentacles, shove you underneath and you would come back a smoking husk of a body. It could materialize inside your ship and phasers did not work on it. I am now an adult, I bought the episode and it still creeps me out

MANITOU

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 This "review" is part of THE FINAL GIRL FILM CLUB! and this review is sung to the tune of XANADU by OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN! 

A Cyst that nobody dared to prick
Strasberg was really sick
She had the MANITOU

And now
Tony can clearly see
The Indian legend is real
They call it MANITOU

A million strobe lights flash
and what's that for…
a meteor?
an everlasting curse
It bursts through her eye
I don't know why

MANITOU, MANITOU
(it's not very clear)
It's MANITOU
(it's not very clear)
It's MANITOU

MANITOU your B-cast can not act
for you MANITOU!

The dwarf
he flies in the sky with no feet
he's someone you don't want to meet
starring in MANITOU

Mrs Herz
one part that didn't bore
she floated across the floor
right out of MANITOU

A million films are made
and this is one
it's kind of dumb
How do you describe a turd
using just one word?
have you not heard?

MANITOU, MANITOU
(that ice looks fake)
in MANITOU
(really a lizard suit?)
in MANITOU

Thank god it's done, GRAHAM MASTERSON
wrote MANITOU
Now that it's through, I want part 2
of MANITOU!

Ants

Posted on By unkle lancifer

For some reason ANTS, a.k.a. IT HAPPENED AT LAKEWOOD MANOR, a 1977 made for television movie, seemed to be broadcast every other evening throughout the '80s. A product of the nature-run-amuck cycle inspired by JAWS, ANTS, while short on thrills, is an entertaining diversion that resembles an episode of FANTASY ISLAND gone horribly wrong. Featuring stars on their way up (SUZANNE SUMMERS), down (MYRNA LOY), and nowhere (GALACTICA 1980 bound BARRY VAN DYKE), it's a perfect time capsule of its era. Icy-eyed construction worker ROBERT FOXWORTH (PROPHECY) while digging next to a fancy-schmancy hotel unearths a special chemical enhanced breed of ant whose bite is as poisonous as the script requires at any given time (If you're doubting Thomas STEVEN FRANKEN, the poisonous effects are instantaneous!). These killer insects have their own weird trippy electronic soundtrack to accompany them wherever they go and when their numbers are down, it appears something resembling coffee grounds can be used to stand in for them. The ants first mission is to attack the hotel where all the sun-kissed California blondes are residing. At some late point in the game we learn from a questionable scientist that these ants will not attack if you stay perfectly still (Tell that to the sleeping SUMMERS who is now pushing up daisies). This allows for an amazing scene that features LYNDA DAY GEORGE (PIECES) breathing heavily through a rolled up swatch of wallpaper while the six legged dickens crawl all over her face. As lame as it gets, it should be noted that there were many theatrical animal disaster flicks that are far less entertaining. Ultimately, any movie that features anything remotely resembling an L.D.G. FREAK-OUT deserves mucho attention!
indelible scenes

  • The little kid who falls into the ant infested dumpster
  • The ants make a b-line to a sleeping SUZANNE SUMMER's dirty pillows
  • The helicopter blows poisonous ants all over the crowd that has gathered to observe the rescue
  • The greedy guy (GERALD GORDON) freaks out and tries to make a third story jump into the pool and …ouch, misses!