kindertrauma

Grizzly

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

Christopher George is the coolest guy who ever lived!
Is CHRISTOPHER GEORGE the coolest guy who ever lived? There's plenty of evidence to support that theory. He had his own action figure, thanks to his stint on RAT PATROL. He was best buds with crooner JOHNNIE RAY (who was not only name dropped in the DEXYS MIDNIGHT RUNNER classic COME ON EILEEN but also inspired MORRISSEY'S hearing-aid fetish). He posed in PLAYGIRL, his niece is VANNA WHITE, he's worked along side folks as varied as JOHN WAYNE and LUCIO FULCI, and he was married to, and frequently costarred with the most beautiful woman in puppet land, LYNDA DAY GEORGE (Lucky BASTARD!). His grandest success may be his starring turn as Ranger Michael Kelly in GRIZZLY, the first film out of the gate in the animal run amuck gold rush that JAWS inspired. Bears, unlike sharks, who have unlovable ugly mugs, are kind of cute and cuddly. Even though if you met one in real life it probably would tear your face off, on screen they mostly inspire "Ahhhs" and have you wondering if you could fetch them a jar of honey. The bear in GRIZZY has this perception to work against throughout the film and the movie succeeds by alternating between adorable shots of the bear standing upright and less adorable shots of him bashing women's heads between tree trunks and decapitating innocent horses. I mean this bear is not kidding around. When our bear comes across a small albino-looking boy playing with a white rabbit in his yard, the viewer is right to assume a close call or cut away scene is on the horizon. Well not this time campers, this once PG-rated mountain of menace does not shy away from the red stuff. There's really only one man on earth that can take out a killing machine like the one described and that is our GEORGE. With a smirk, a wisecrack, a helicopter and a handy rocket launcher, he makes the woods safe again for children and bunnies everywhere. Directed by insane lunatic WILLIAM GIRDLER (DAY OF THE ANIMALS), GRIZZLY tastes like a s'mores and provides the same guilty pleasure as smearing a lightening bug into the asphalt to watch it's inwards glow.indelible scenes

  • The bear's attack on the female hikers, that crazy shack is no place to hide!
  • Not only does he kill a horse, he mauls its rider and buries him in the dirt!
  • R.I.P mother, child and bunny rabbit
  • Bear attacks the watch tower and pulverizes it and its contents
  • GEORGE's wonderfully delivered "Shit!!!"

Clownhouse

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Three maniacs escape from the local funny farm, clobber some clowns and swipe their get-ups. Bad news for all, but especially bad news for Casey Collins (NATHAN FORREST WINTERS) who suffers from coulrophobia, the fear of clowns. Like ants to cotton candy, the trio of lunatics finds their way to Casey's house and there proceed to terrorize him and his two brothers, one of whom is portrayed by a young, already commanding SAM ROCKWELL. This is one compact bloodless thriller that really gets under the skin. The sense of dread is palpable, and it perfectly captures the spooky/excited feeling you get as a youngster when you're left at home alone for the first time. It also makes an earnest attempt to get to the roots of a child's fear of clowns. Casey explains that it's their fake painted on smiles that freak him out, and that you "never really know what they (clowns) are thinking." Sentiments like that make it hard to watch CLOWNHOUSE without seeing it through the filter of director VICTOR SALVA's conviction for the molestation of its youngest star. It coats the entire predator/prey angle of the film like a thick layer of grease paint. Luckily, I did see this film before such information was made public, and I can remember clearly how scary I thought it was even without that knowledge. (SALVA went on to direct the JEEPERS CREEPERS films that have similar telling themes throughout.) As sad as the film's regrettable history may be, there's no way around the fact that it does truly work wonderfully as a bare bones horror film (I'll even throw in my biggest compliment, it recalls early CARPRNTER), and no discussion of good killer clown movies would be complete without its mention.indelible scenes

  • Scariest gypsy lady ever committed to film
  • Attack of the clown's tent
  • The brothers screaming, "The clowns are coming!" not realizing they actually are
  • The first time Casey sees the clowns outside playing with the noose in the tree
  • The walk to the store to get popcorn while clowns trail behind
  • Most inept 911 call ever

30 Days Of Night's Abbey-May Wakefield

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

30 days of night Vampire girl Abbey-May Wakefield
 30 DAYS OF NIGHT may not have set the world on fire in its theatrical run, but it's sure to find its proper brethren now that it's available for home viewing. Moody, grim and host to some old-school level gore, it's a worthy addition to any horror collection and a must see for vampire enthusiasts. The vampiric creatures that inhabit the film are an interesting lot and none more so than the scene swiping ABBEY-MAY WAKEFIELD. While JOSH HARTNET and crew are pillaging the local grocery for supplies, they encounter the little eight-year-old mid artery-splicing dinner. Her response to the rude interruption is to go all Tasmanian Devil on their asses. There's only one way to settle down the tantrum prone undead and it involves an ax. Her "You wanna play with me now?" line is almost a direct lift from Kinder-fave Cage's cranky phone threat in PET SEMATARY, but we're so smitten we've decided to chalk it up as being a knowing homage. Apologies are in order, if we were better informed or at least more prone to seeing films that were made after 1989, we would have certainly included you, Ms. WAKEFILED, on our KIDS OF HORROR:: BEST OF 2007 list. As it stands, this after the fact shout-out will have to suffice. Please don't bite us!  

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Paul X on SPACE 1999 "Dragon's Domain"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

What really scared me was an episode of Space 1999 called DRAGONS DOMAIN. A tentacled monster with a glowing eye that howled or screams would grab with its tentacles, shove you underneath and you would come back a smoking husk of a body. It could materialize inside your ship and phasers did not work on it. I am now an adult, I bought the episode and it still creeps me out

MANITOU

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 This "review" is part of THE FINAL GIRL FILM CLUB! and this review is sung to the tune of XANADU by OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN! 

A Cyst that nobody dared to prick
Strasberg was really sick
She had the MANITOU

And now
Tony can clearly see
The Indian legend is real
They call it MANITOU

A million strobe lights flash
and what's that for…
a meteor?
an everlasting curse
It bursts through her eye
I don't know why

MANITOU, MANITOU
(it's not very clear)
It's MANITOU
(it's not very clear)
It's MANITOU

MANITOU your B-cast can not act
for you MANITOU!

The dwarf
he flies in the sky with no feet
he's someone you don't want to meet
starring in MANITOU

Mrs Herz
one part that didn't bore
she floated across the floor
right out of MANITOU

A million films are made
and this is one
it's kind of dumb
How do you describe a turd
using just one word?
have you not heard?

MANITOU, MANITOU
(that ice looks fake)
in MANITOU
(really a lizard suit?)
in MANITOU

Thank god it's done, GRAHAM MASTERSON
wrote MANITOU
Now that it's through, I want part 2
of MANITOU!

Ants

Posted on By unkle lancifer

For some reason ANTS, a.k.a. IT HAPPENED AT LAKEWOOD MANOR, a 1977 made for television movie, seemed to be broadcast every other evening throughout the '80s. A product of the nature-run-amuck cycle inspired by JAWS, ANTS, while short on thrills, is an entertaining diversion that resembles an episode of FANTASY ISLAND gone horribly wrong. Featuring stars on their way up (SUZANNE SUMMERS), down (MYRNA LOY), and nowhere (GALACTICA 1980 bound BARRY VAN DYKE), it's a perfect time capsule of its era. Icy-eyed construction worker ROBERT FOXWORTH (PROPHECY) while digging next to a fancy-schmancy hotel unearths a special chemical enhanced breed of ant whose bite is as poisonous as the script requires at any given time (If you're doubting Thomas STEVEN FRANKEN, the poisonous effects are instantaneous!). These killer insects have their own weird trippy electronic soundtrack to accompany them wherever they go and when their numbers are down, it appears something resembling coffee grounds can be used to stand in for them. The ants first mission is to attack the hotel where all the sun-kissed California blondes are residing. At some late point in the game we learn from a questionable scientist that these ants will not attack if you stay perfectly still (Tell that to the sleeping SUMMERS who is now pushing up daisies). This allows for an amazing scene that features LYNDA DAY GEORGE (PIECES) breathing heavily through a rolled up swatch of wallpaper while the six legged dickens crawl all over her face. As lame as it gets, it should be noted that there were many theatrical animal disaster flicks that are far less entertaining. Ultimately, any movie that features anything remotely resembling an L.D.G. FREAK-OUT deserves mucho attention!
indelible scenes

  • The little kid who falls into the ant infested dumpster
  • The ants make a b-line to a sleeping SUZANNE SUMMER's dirty pillows
  • The helicopter blows poisonous ants all over the crowd that has gathered to observe the rescue
  • The greedy guy (GERALD GORDON) freaks out and tries to make a third story jump into the pool and …ouch, misses!

Kinder-news:: Fanning banned from Traumatot Award!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 DAKOTA FANNING (pictured above, in the guise of fellow diva MARIE ANTOINETTE) once eligible for the coveted TRAUMATOT AWARD due to her age and penchant for roles that require heavy screaming and emotional breakdowns, has been banned from any such future victory due to rumors circling about her DISSING CANCER PATIENTS. Heavy campaigning from the Fanning camp has reportedly fallen on deaf ears. An anonymous Kindertrauma spokesperson advised that Miss Fanning and "others like her" observe PAST TRAUMATOT AWARD RECIPIENTS for examples on proper child star etiquette but refused to reveal if the ban in question would be life-long. Wether this decision could damage younger sibling ELLE FANNING's chance at glory has also yet to be determined.       

Kinder-news:: Elmo doll threatens child's life!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 Real life, in it's latest desperate attempt to be as interesting as a movie has produced a vaguely intriguing news item! Seems some poor kid's Elmo doll has gone and said exactly what every toy that has ever been made has been thinking for centuries: "I'm going to kill you". Well actually it said "Kill James!" but you get the picture. I mean, if you were named James you'd certainly be alarmed. BRAD DOURIF could not be reached for comment. Read the full story HERE and be sure to youtube "evil Elmo" to observe the sorry fact that speculation on Elmo's dark side has been brewing for some time!

The Brotherhood Of Satan

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

      After a picnic is called off due to a sudden shower, Ben Holden (CHARLES BATEMAN) his girlfriend Nikky (AHNA CAPRI) and his little girl K.T. (future phony Jan Brady GERI REISCHL) find themselves witness to a brutal car accident. They report the incident in a nearby town only to find the inhabitants of said town hostile and verging on insane. Once more, all attempts to flee the area are nixed by supernatural forces. Seems oldster Satanists have infiltrated the community and they need X amount of tots to complete a body switching ritual and lil K.T is primo material.Having watched this PG-rated 70's Satan flick years ago on VHS and being mostly unimpressed, I have to say the DVD presentation is another story altogether. Vibrant colors, bizarre camera angles and a generally unnerving atmosphere diluted by the pan and scan edition are here perfectly represented. The story structure is indeed off putting, but it adds to the general sense of confusion and non-reality that becomes a strong point for the film. Hallucinations, nightmare logic and loose ends swirl in a molten mixture of pure post-ROSEMARY'S BABY, Me-decade occult-infused surrealism. Don't expect answers and don't expect a victorious climax. BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN is more interested in slowly crawling up your spine than having you at the edge of your seat. I have probably used the adjective "creepy" on this site a thousand times, but after watching this nonsensical dance with the devil in its proper aspect ratio, I have a brand new appreciation for its meaning. What we have here is an under-appreciated classic that demands revaluation. indelible scenes

    • Toy tank is used to flatten car
    • The nutzo crying baby doll that shakes and kills
    • Nicky's crazy dream
    • The horseman statue that comes to life and causes a decapitation
    • The priest checks out some MONSTER BRAINS worthy satanic illustrations
    • STROTHER MARTIN (SSSSSS) blissfully bounces off the walls as the leader of the coven. The final scenes with the elderly standing next to the children that they will soon inhabit is as humorous as it is disturbing

                

    TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Christopher Youngblood on Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

    As kids we always see things differently than we do as adults. I remember the film DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK a made for TV horror movie from the 70's starring KIM DARBY. This was a bit different than most made for television movies because this one was actually scary! Those little creature things SCARED the hell out of me when I was young and they were some smart little bastards as well! I have recently watched this movie again I will admit that it did not have quite the same effect on me as it did when I was a kid. Even still, the creatures (Which I have called Prune Heads for years) are still pretty damn creepy. This film is still the scariest "made for television" movie that I have ever seen.

    Christopher Youngblood is a regular contributor over at the always excellent RETRO SLASHERS!