kindertrauma

Burnt Offerings

Posted on By aunt john


Take three of Hollywood's biggest hams (the always inebriated-seeming OLIVER REED, the voluptuously cock-eyed KAREN BLACK, and a post-BABY JANE/pre-stroke BETTE DAVIS), dangle before them an irresistibly low three-month rent package for a gothic mansion with the caveat that someone drops off a tray of food to an elderly mother concealed in an attic three times a day, shoot the proceedings with a gauzy porn filter, and there you have the gist of BURNT OFFERINGS. Shortly after agreeing to take the estate at 17 Shore Road from the underutilized sibling wonders of BURGESS MEREDITH and EILEEN HECKART, Marian (BLACK) and Ben (REED) Rolf start acting all kinds of cuckoo. Ben tries to drown their son in the pool while roughhousing, much to the dismay of artsy Aunt Elizabeth (DAVIS), whose still-life style is not unlike that of Thomas Kincade, Painter of Light. Meanwhile, Marian takes to wearing chokers and dressing old-timey in between obsessively cleaning the house and dropping off plates of pork chops to the unseen matron of the manor. The insanity, and overacting, escalates to the point where Aunt Elizabeth decides to stub out her last smoke and call it a shoot. Despite the death in the house, Marian wants to stay. In her defense, she did get a sweet deal. $900 for the whole summer… it would take at least three deaths to get your aunt john to skip out on something like that. As the Rolf family continues to deteriorate, the house itself is invigorated by an extreme makeover (supernatural edition). The siding replaces itself and the contents of the greenhouse flourish. Ben grabs his son and tries to escape in the wood-paneled station wagon, but the shrubs have other plans. For this family the realization that they'e not keeping the house, the house is keeping them, comes fatally too late.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The demise of Aunt Elizabeth
  • Death by chimney
  • Any scene involving the pox-marked Chauffeur & his shit-eating grin

Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Posted on By unkle lancifer

It may appear obvious to many adults that this is a campy, over the top, tongue-in-cheek salute to any and all of the popular invasion flicks of the 1950s, but to many of a younger age who caught this PG-13 joke fest on cable T.V., it's no laughing matter, in fact it's the stuff bad dreams are made of. Children have always had a "special" relationship with clowns, a relationship that can be broken up into two distinct roles, terrorizer and terrorizee. Killer Klowns does little to alter that dichotomy. The titular klowns are masterpieces of the grotesque with barely a recognizable human element left to be found within them. They come in all sizes, shape-shifting when required, and seem to have mastered the ability to bend reality to their will. Shadow puppets come to life, balloon dogs attack and custard pies are lethal weapons. This surreal chaos is much like the trippy psychedelic horrors spotlighted in the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series and children are particularly susceptible to it. Here is a place where adult rules do not apply and, in actuality, adherence to them will get you killed. I suspect there are even some older folks out there who may laugh along with the films outrageousness but secretly get a chill in particular scenes. I have to admit the after dark klown victory parade through the center of town where they gather up all the cotton candy cocoons left me strangely unnerved… So laugh at these klowns if and when you can because I promise you if you look closely enough, you'll see a not so funny evil glint in their eyes.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The eight-foot klown's silent confrontation with Officer Mooney (an exceptional JOHN VERNON) in the police station
  • Lil' Shorty knocking that biker's block off!
  • The popcorn bathroom attack complete with jack in the box toilet!
  • Debbie being trapped in the balloon with apparently a limited air supply
  • KLOWNZILLA!

Depressed Horse Commits Suicide

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Artax, the beloved horse of Atreyu took his own life while traveling through the swamps of sadness in Fantasia recently. Creatures with depressive disorders have long been warned of the swamps ability to amplify suicidal ideology, leading to immobilazation and eventualy complete submersion. "He let the place get to him," explained the bereaved. "I guess he just started thinking about how screwed up things have been around here lately, plus there's this whole approaching nothingness thing. I think about stuff like that too, I just don't think about it when I'm in the effing swamps of sadness." When pressed further, Arteyu, a great warrior, claimed he did everything in his power to talk his friend out of his existential dilemma. "I thought he was joking at first, I even tried to laugh it off, but old Eyore just kept sinking. I was like, ‘You have to try, you have to care!' For me… I'm you're friend. I love you! I even called him a ‘Stupid Horse,' something I've never said before. I told him I wouldn't give up and I didn't, but he sure as hell did." Services will be held on Shell Mountain close to where the incident took place. The grieving are advised to travel there by Luck Dragon, giant bat, racing snail or even rock tricycle as the swamps have proven time and again with occurrences such as this, to be dangerous by foot or hoof. "It's a NEVERENDING STORY admitted the ruler of Fantasia, a nameless Childlike Empress, "Lots of folks go into that swamp, not so many come out."

The Spell

Posted on By aunt john

As a corpulent teen coming of age in the 1980s, your Aunt John's only recourse for attaining peer acceptance was to wear black on the outside (to hide the fat on the inside), and to become a devotee of Siouxsie Sioux. Based on the 1977 TV movie THE SPELL, the way the social pecking order worked was apparently somewhat different for high school girls of a certain weight in Southern California in the late ‘70s. Our flick focuses on Rita, a big girl forced to live in the anorexic shadow of her foxy younger sister, played by the 1970s welfare-to-work-mother's answer to Jodie Foster – HELEN HUNT, and her ginger-locked ice queen of a mother, the questionably beautiful LEE GRANT (seriously, does anyone out there in KINDERTRAUMA land consider Ms. Grant pretty)? The movie commences with our pleasantly plump protagonist, clad in the requisite dumpy-pants gray sweat suit, being asked to climb the rope in gym class. While being audibly tormented by her classmates, who are all wearing sexy, crotch-cut Spandex unitards, young Rita steps up to rope while her arch nemesis executes some sort of Cirque du Soleil aerial maneuver high above the gymnasium floor. One side look from Rita at the Illeana Douglas-looking lady gym teacher, and the mean, skinny girl falls to the ground like an undernourished sack of potatoes. At home, Rita doesn't fare much better with her looks-obsessed lawyer father scolding her for asking for seconding helpings, and scheming to ship her plus-sized patootie off to a boarding school in England. Rita strikes back by sneaking out the house late at night in a Stevie Nicks cape for bewitching trysts with the aforementioned lady gym teacher, needle pointing an awesome Persian Cat handicraft, combusting some neighbor woman who saw her mingling with the lady gym teacher, and using her powers to nearly drown her waif-like little sister at a swim meet. The movie concludes with the most awesome mother/daughter showdown set in a 1970s open-air kitchen, and let's just say that the only supernatural force at work here kept Ms. Grant's ginger bob from moving. That shit looks like helmet.Speaking of which, please help us out with our first ever KINDERTRAUMA poll:

Who wore it best:


Please vote in the comments.

Satan's Triangle

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When I was young I was scared of two things, The Bermuda Triangle and the Devil. I was pretty sure the triangle had to stay put, so if I decided not to go on any plane or boat rides I would be all right. The devil too, I imagined was easily identifiable, (resembling the character on the Underwood Deviled Ham can) and pretty much restricted to staying far underground in a place called H-E-double-hockey-sticks. These theories and more would vaporize the night I begged my mother to let me stay up and watch SATAN'S TRIANGLE a 1975 television movie. The film starts off pleasantly enough with the Coast Guard finding an abandoned vessel with one lone survivor. Doug McClure listens intently as an icy Kim Novak recounts the paranormal demise of all aboard. Doug is a skeptic and is able to find logical solutions to every mysterious anecdote she has to offer. It's all very soothing to realize that every spooky unexplainable occurrence can be effortlessly shot through full of holes by the rational McClure. After everything is put in its place and we decide nothing is amiss, a helicopter arrives and suddenly the fabric of all we thought was real begins to unravel at a demonic speed. As much as I'd love to reveal the ending, I really couldn't do it justice anyway… suffice it to say, it's still the scariest I've ever seen. Besides bearing witness to the creepiest, longest, direct eye contact, smile ever put to film; my sense of reality along with Mr. McClure's character's was smashed into a million pieces and would never be repaired. My mother had her hands full trying to get my screaming, crying ass into bed that night and, for what seemed like years, I would huddle under the covers trying not to think bad thoughts. From that night on I lived with the realization that the devil and even the Bermuda triangle were a lot closer than I thought.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The levitating cadaver
  • Death by swordfish
  • EVERYTHING that happens after the Helicopter arrives…

Dracula Calls Five Year Old a Bitch!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Count Dracula, who is not exactly well known for his positive contributions to society hit a new low when he used misogynist hate speak in addressing Monster Squad member Phoebe Crenshaw — who is just the tender age of five. Though evil, undead, and a creature of the night, the Count was widely viewed as the most cultured and refined of the classic monsters; his recent actions could tarnish this perception permanently. If the sequences of events in the film MONSTER SQUAD are to be believed (and I have no reason to doubt them) Ms. Crenshaw, with aid of a magic amulet, was in the process of delivering an incantation in German that would summon a whirlpool leading to a "limbo" dimension that was meant to trap the Transylvanian forever. So enraged was the Count at the idea of being foiled that he grabbed the diminutive Crenshaw by the chin, lifted her off the ground, and bellowed in her face "Give me the amulet you B-I-T-C-H!" Onlookers both human and monster alike were taken aback by the outburst. A fish creature who asked not to be named had only this to say, "Not cool."

TRAUMAFESSION #1

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey look! It's our very first TRAUMAFESSION and it comes from somebody I KNOW saw too many horror flicks as a tot, my very own niece Tiffani!

Chucky and Freddy were by far my worst experiences with horror movies as a child. As a little kid, watching a movie about someone who kills you in your dreams right before you go to bed is probably not a great idea. It makes you want to do one thing… never fall asleep, which is probably a parent's worst nightmare. Then you have Chucky. How would you feel if you believed your favorite doll was killing your family and babysitters when you weren't looking and inevitably wanted to use you as a sacrifice? Not a heartwarming thought. As a kid, most movies couldn't top those two. They made little kids imaginations run wild in a terrible kind of way.

Oh yeah! And you can't forget PET SEMETARY with the little dead baby, Gage. Especially when he says, 'I played with Mommy. We had a awfully good time! Now, I want to play with YOU!' And when he slit the guy's Achilles… that was awful.

Remember kids, write in so we can post your TRAUMAFESSION and then you can be all cool like Tiffani!

The Bad Seed

Posted on By aunt john


Preteen television and Broadway vet Patty McCormack garnered Oscar and Golden Globe nods for her portrayal of pint-sized psychopath Rhoda Penmark in Mervyn LeRoy's 1956 flick The Bad Seed. With her father off serving his country in a tight uniform and her melodramatic mother questioning her foundling lineage, towheaded Rhoda passes the time by working on puzzles, promising suggestively to exchange "baskets of kisses for baskets of hugs," beating classmate Ralph Daigle almost to death with her tap shoes, and then drowning him when he fails to fork over a penmanship award that was clearly meant for her. What Rhoda wants, Rhoda gets! The Daigle drowning is actually Rhoda's second kill, and before the movie ends, she disposes of her building's meddling handyman. Think Schneider from One Day at a Time, sans pencil mustache and even perveier. Mother Penmark finally puts two and seven together, and realizes that not only was she adopted, she is also the daughter of some long-dead lady serial killer which, in turn, makes Rhoda the grandchild of the of the same long-dead lady serial killer. Crazy apples don't fall far from the crazy killer tree, and Mother Penmark does what any mother in a similar situation would do after realizing she birthed a monster; she feeds Rhoda an overdose of sleeping pills, and shoots herself in the face. Sadly, murder/suicides are always foiled in movies, and the corpulent landlady who lives upstairs rescues Rhoda. Daddy comes back from war, or whatever gay bar he was frequenting in that tight uniform, and Rhoda sets out in a lightening storm across the Warner Brother's back lot to reclaim that penmanship medal she beat and killed that stupid Daigle kid for. Quite frankly, she earned it in my book; however Mother Nature intervenes and delivers the swift justice Rhoda's mother couldn't muster.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Eileen Heckart's slurred scenes as grieving mother Hortense Daigle
  • The two-tiered Penmark family bar cart. If Unkle Lancifer & I ever get married, I am sticking seven of those things on my registry. I want one for every room, even the bathroom
  • Rhoda's "G-I-V-E-M-E-M-Y-S-H-O-E-S" confrontation under the arbor with handyman/perv Leroy Jessup
  • "They don't put little girls in the electric chair!"

Paris Hilton's Aunt is Dead!

Posted on By unkle lancifer


She escaped Witch Mountain; she even had the moxie to return to Witch Mountain. She has fought Devil Dogs and withstood Tuff Turf. She even survived living with Maclean Stevenson in Portland for pete's sake! (Portland is a long way from L.A. by the way). So I had every reason to believe precocious moppet Kim Richards would survive ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 fully intact and ready to rumble. Boy, was I wrong, DEAD wrong! There Kim was just minding her own business when she saw an ice cream truck down the way, blaring its intoxicating music as if to say, "Come hither". As any normal child might do, the braided lass shook her father down for some green and headed on her way, nothing more on her mind then copping a cone. She is then met by what can only be described as some of the worst costumer service ever recorded on film. The sweaty bundle of nerves behind the steering wheel at first declines the opportunity to fulfill the lowly dreams of our heroine by insisting it's "too late". Undeterred, Kim counters that his music is still playing and therefore it is actually not "too late". The horrible, underpaid schlub finally does his menial job and hands over the cold confection, and Kim skips off satiated. This is where the shit hits the fan ‘cause as she goes off on her merry way, a car full of hooligans that resemble David Bowie and Che Guevara hijack the ice cream truck. But who cares ‘cuz Kim got her cone and is off on another adventure, right? Wrong! A last minute inspection of her purchase reveals that dead moron ice cream goon gave her PLAIN vanilla when she succinctly asked for vanilla RIPPLE! Kim rightfully returns to the truck to demand satisfaction but her request is denied in the form of a bullet being shot into her chest! I know what you're thinking, you sign up for a John Carpenter movie, you roll the dice, but it all seems a tad unfair when you consider that kid sis Kyle Richards gets to survive an attack by none other than Michael Myers two years later in Carpenter's HALLOWEEN!

Snowbeast

Posted on By aunt john

Lack of coordination and mild case of childhood obesity aside, the real reason I never strapped skis to my feet and realized my childhood fantasy of being the toast of the late 1970s lodge scene was due, in part, to the made for TV movie Snowbeast. In a nutshell, some sort of unseen monster has been viciously attacking and terrorizing the winter sport enthusiasts at the seemingly under populated Rill Lodge and Ski Resort. I use unseen in the literal sense; perhaps due to a tight budget disguised as a suspense device, our monster is camera shy, and viewers are treated to some heavy breathing and shaky camera work from the perspective of said snowbeast each time he is about to pounce on a victim. Disregarding the mounting body count, the elderly owner of the resort plows ahead with the 50th Annual Winter Carnival. Clearly not one to miss out on a shindig, the Snowbeast makes his first on camera appearance, much to the audible horror of the soon-to-be-crowned Winter Carnival Queen. The Snowbeast responds by smashing out a window, inciting a riot amongst the carnival crowd, and murdering the Carnival Queen's mother in the parking lot. This was the scene that scared me off the slopes some 30 years ago, and this was the scene where I stopped paying attention to the drawn out love story involving the over-the-hill Olympic skier and his annoying wife.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • The appearance of the Snowbeast at the window
  • The murder of the Carnival Queen's mother in the parking lot. I want that sticker off her door
  • Any scene with Sylvia Sidney as Carrie Rill, the Annual Winter Carnival obsessed resort owner. During the carnival melee, Ms. Sidney does her own stunt work and takes a tumble to the gymnasium floor, all the while shrieking about the crown that was meant for the runaway queen. The crown is crushed by one of the oddest pair of snow boots documented on celluloid