Paris Hilton’s Aunt is Dead!

She escaped Witch Mountain; she even had the moxie to return to Witch Mountain. She has fought Devil Dogs and withstood Tuff Turf. She even survived living with Maclean Stevenson in Portland for pete’s sake! (Portland is a long way from L.A. by the way). So I had every reason to believe precocious moppet Kim Richards would survive ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 fully intact and ready to rumble. Boy, was I wrong, DEAD wrong! There Kim was just minding her own business when she saw an ice cream truck down the way, blaring its intoxicating music as if to say, “Come hither”. As any normal child might do, the braided lass shook her father down for some green and headed on her way, nothing more on her mind then copping a cone. She is then met by what can only be described as some of the worst costumer service ever recorded on film. The sweaty bundle of nerves behind the steering wheel at first declines the opportunity to fulfill the lowly dreams of our heroine by insisting it’s “too late”. Undeterred, Kim counters that his music is still playing and therefore it is actually not “too late”. The horrible, underpaid schlub finally does his menial job and hands over the cold confection, and Kim skips off satiated. This is where the shit hits the fan ‘cause as she goes off on her merry way, a car full of hooligans that resemble David Bowie and Che Guevara hijack the ice cream truck. But who cares ‘cuz Kim got her cone and is off on another adventure, right? Wrong! A last minute inspection of her purchase reveals that dead moron ice cream goon gave her PLAIN vanilla when she succinctly asked for vanilla RIPPLE! Kim rightfully returns to the truck to demand satisfaction but her request is denied in the form of a bullet being shot into her chest! I know what you’re thinking, you sign up for a John Carpenter movie, you roll the dice, but it all seems a tad unfair when you consider that kid sis Kyle Richards gets to survive an attack by none other than Michael Myers two years later in Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN!

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Corey Convex
14 years ago

Ah, the good old days, when kids actually died in movies. And what about that awesome psycho, Frank Doubleday…jeez…remember him in ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK? Creepy…