...:::Stream Warriors:::...

Can I recommend 75% of this movie and warn you about the remaining 25%? If you can appreciate a thoroughly eighties supernatural thriller complete with a shamelessly obtrusive soundtrack, grievous apparel and a near non-stop barrage of light shafts shooting through Venetian blinds then you, like me, will want to see this. The rub is that to experience these wonderful things you’ll also have to endure PIERCE BROSNAN speaking with an excruciating French accent. It sounds easier than it is. My tip is to use your imagination and pretend that it is not happening, that’s what I did. I just kept a straight face and willed myself into hearing something different than what I was. It’s worth the effort because as mawkish as this movie can sometimes be, it also, occasionally, hits a profoundly eerie note especially if you watch it late at night when your brain is partially defenseless. There’s a scene in this flick involving a nun that is straight out of THE SENTINEL. I’m not exactly sure what it meant or why it happened but it spooked me all the same. In fact, there’s much creativity on display involving the mixing of perspectives and realities, even if every artsy stab doesn’t successfully hit its mark. I’m even going to forgive the near nuclear level of soapy melodrama it secretes because I’m rationalizing that it adds to the dream like tone. But again, you must brace yourself for the accent.

You’d never know it but NOMADS is about a group of wandering evil spirits haunting L.A. in the guise of MTV-style hooligans. Once you become aware of them you’re better off dead because they will not stop harassing you and they will even drive motorcycles into your house! There’s a lot of delectable mumbo jumbo about these rascals being attracted to places where awful things have occurred and about Los Angeles being built on a desert that no one should call home. As far as my needs are concerned though, the most important thing to know about this demonic tribe is that they are portrayed by the likes of ADAM ANT, JOSIE COTTON and I shit you not, MARY WORONOV!!! Witnessing WORONOV dancing on the hood of a car is worth enduring a thousand phony baloney accents! Sorry, I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, it’s just that I’m convinced that BROSNAN’s accent is solely responsible for this movie being marginalized and worse still, it’s really so unnecessary to the story! (Seriously, if I was a producer who saw a rough cut I would have got on the horn and demanded the whole thing be re-dubbed.) Sans grueling accent, you may not have a blockbuster but at least you’ve got a stylish, super-quirky, mind-trippy, cult-oddity that ridiculous though it may be, leaves a uniquely haunting impression. Frankly I’m a little surprised that writer/ director JOHN McTIERNAN was ever allowed to work again, but I’m so glad he was because he later delivered the classics DIE HARD and PREDATOR! Tres bien!

[Read more →]

JOE DANTE‘s THE HOWLING is one of the best werewolf movies ever made but the litter of disconnected sequels running around with its name on their collar are mostly runts. The possible lone exception is THE HOWLING 5: THE REBIRTH which has recently shown up on Netflix Streaming. I wouldn’t blame anyone for not wanting to jump into the fifth installment of a notoriously lackluster series but this flick can stand alone and might be better thought of as a loose remake of THE BEAST MUST DIE!. The pacing can be sluggish and the acting can be woeful but you may find yourself happily looking past any and all faults in order to hang out in such a fantastic setting. THE HOWLING 5 takes place in a desolate castle in Budapest, full of secret passages and candle lit halls and best of all there is a impenetrable blizzard raging outside!

The set-up is akin to a classic whodunit mystery with a group of strangers receiving invitations to show up for an event only to be isolated and killed off one by one, in this case by a guest who happens to have fangs. Why, there’s even a shady butler and creepy maid on board to fill out the suspect/victim list! On Netflix the movie is presented full screen and looks every inch a VHS rental or late night cable watch circa 1989. I should warn you in advance that there are no gooey transformation scenes and that our werewolf is only shown in the briefest of flashes. I know that’s sad but it ultimately adds to the effect that you are watching something classier than you are. If it’s any consolation, THE HOWLING 5 does sport a mean decapitation, it’s not bloody but it’s well staged and fiendishly cruel enough to get a thumbs up from me. Approach this one with an open mind, I have a feeling as soon as your ears catch the gloomy goth late-eighties score you’ll want to save this puppy from the pound.

[Read more →]

Hey it’s Sunday Streaming time again! The movie I’m recommending today, FRAGILE (2005), certainly deserves a more in depth examination on this site but for now let me just say that if you are a fan of ghost stories, you’ll want to see it. It’s directed by the hugely talented JAUME BALAQUERO who delivered the horrifying adaptation of RAMSEY CAMPBELL’s THE NAMELESS, the flawed but atmospheric DARKNESS and the instant classic [REC]. As is frequently the case with Netflix Streaming, you’ll do yourself a favor by ignoring the advertising art supplied which consists of a floating, half space alien looking face and a sadly more meaningless by the minute FANGORIA FRIGHT FEST banner. Do not be worried that ubiquitous late nineties menace CALISTA (ALLIE MCBEAL) FLOCKHART stars, she’s quite good in it and the more you think abut it, the more her brittle, twitchy presence makes sense.

FLOCKHART plays nurse Amy Nicholls who has recently started working the night shift at an unnervingly grim children’s hospital that is in the midst of packing up and closing down. The children speak of a ghostly presence that lingers on the abandoned second floor named Charlotte who is creepily described as a “mechanical” girl. By all appearances this spirit seems to be raging against being left behind and has taken to smashing bones and throwing people out windows. Of course, nothing is as it seems, there is a mystery that must be solved and Amy must separate the hospital’s woeful history from the guilty baggage she brought with her. FRAGILE goes to some seriously dank, dark and convincingly eerie, seriously scary places and like all the best ghost stories it has a tragic heart that plays with your sympathies as much as your fears. File this one right between HOUSE OF VOICES and THE ORPHANAGE. If it’s not as well regarded as those two flicks it’s only due to its willingness to dive further into unpleasantness.

[Read more →]

First off, allow me to thank our pal Chuckles72 for guiding me towards this movie on Netflix Streaming. I would have never watched it on my own accord because the poster art representing the flick (at least on Netflix) stinks. I know that sex sells but it grinds my gears when a dumb image is used to sell a smart movie because what better way to repel the people who might actually enjoy the film while also disappointing those who fell for your mislead? Unlike the advertising art, THE DEVIL’S ROCK is not about a sexy Nazi lady and my apologies to the actress in the film who does an excellent job of not slipping into Velveeta only to be photo-shopped swimming in it later. I also have to admit that adding to my aversion is the fact that I’m a hard sell when it comes to war movies. The way some folks feel about horror (Why would anyone choose to watch that?) is how I generally feel about war movies (with the lone exception of FULL METAL JACKET because…KUBRICK). I tell you this only to underline that Chuckles had his work cut out for him in swaying me but being aware of his exceptional taste based on his IAHTKY, I knew I had to trust him!

And he was right. THE DEVIL’S ROCK is a well-acted and bewitching occult thriller and I’m all for a movie being compact and dialogue-driven while still having zero qualms about letting the heads roll. Turns out as much as I hate me some Nazis, my interest cannot resist getting piqued when they are making the foolish mistake of dabbling in the black arts. I forgot all about the “RAIDERS” rule which is, Nazis are great…when their faces are melting off! THE DEVIL’S ROCK tells a tale that takes place on D-Day when two kiwi soldiers attempt to take over an island isolated German bunker only to find that most of its inhabitants have already been ripped to shreds. There is a beautiful woman chained to a wall and quicker than you can say SATAN’S TRIANGLE we are given the gist that she is much more than she seems. Since we’re talking about a streaming movie here, I’m loath to give much more away but comparisons never hurt do they? This movie reminded me a lot of THE KEEP in its themes and it also brought to my mind CLIVE BARKER’s HELLRAISER in its theatric sparseness and fascination with how deep into the pit some may be willing to go when evil uses love as bait. The acting really is exceptional and if you desire atmosphere, you’ll get a strong dose right from scene one. Check this one out and if you like it, remember, don’t thank me, thank Chuckles72!

[Read more →]

Look under your carpet! Chances are something worthwhile is swept under there. I would have passed this one right by if I had not found out it was directed by the great JOE DANTE (GREMLINS). Even with that information, I admit to being a little hesitant. Who wants to see a movie about a hole? I guess it’s admirable to keep a sense of mystery afloat but talk about hiding your light under a bushel! Folks, if your movie features a diabolical harlequin doll, lead with that! The evil doll is always your selling point! You can’t say, “Oh, this movie is about a hole in the ground” and leave it at that. That’s crazy. So now, please allow me to rectify that slight and tell you first and foremost that THE HOLE has an evil doll in it and it looks like this…

…nuff said… but I’ll say a little (spoiler-free) more. In truth, this semi-dark fantasy isn’t any more about a doll than it is about a hole. It’s about three young people facing their fears and childhood traumas. If you are a fan of DANTE’s GREMLINS, his surreal, superior segment in THE TWILIGHT ZONE MOVIE or his lovable penchant for DICK MILLER cameos, you’ll want to jump into this pit. We’re not talking new territory by a long shot but if you grew up delighting on the likes of THE GATE, POLTERGEIST, PAPERHOUSE or DREAMSCAPE , the familiar places THE HOLE takes you may produce a frothy nostalgic buzz more valuable than innovation. I certainly wish the climax was better played for more impact (our mostly likeable lead freezes up during scenes with the most emotional potential) but that’s a small gripe considering the fun had throughout. Like DANTE’s best work, it can be appreciated by folks of various ages and any remarks that it may be too dark for children I’ll translate to mean it doesn’t condescend. One thing is clear, THE HOLE deserves much more attention than it has garnered thus far and even though it sometimes feels like half the film it was meant to be, it’s still worth a spin, if only to catch DANTE once again relishing how small things cast large shadows.

[Read more →]

Hey, remember back in the good old days when every Sunday we’d spotlight films on Netflix Streaming and we called it STREAM WARRIORS? But then it stopped happening because I was half lazy and half hated the name STREAM WARRIORS. Well now here it comes again, except I’m calling it something else and instead of forcing myself to focus on three movies a week, I plan to just do one. One is enough. I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m doing on the Internet. I’m not a chatty person.

Hooray STAKE LAND is available on Netflix Streaming! This is a perfect flick to talk about because it’s a movie I would never have taken a chance on unless someone told me to. The reason I would have probably stayed away is because who needs another vampire flick and who needs another apocalyptic road movie and who needs to see everybody running around trying to act cool? I don’t. I’d usually much rather watch a movie about a talking doll or pissed off animals that have gone crazy. Meanwhile everything I prejudged about STAKE LAND based on its packaging and subject matter was way off. This movie creates an impressive, believable world and occupies it with people that you can’t help grow to care about. It’s a grounded in a way that movies rarely are anymore and it leaves you feeling like you’ve actually experienced something. Plus KELLY McGILLIS is in it. Aren’t you in the mood to see her today? I’m telling you, it’s perfect for a Sunday afternoon so believe me. There, I’m done. That wasn’t so bad. See ya next Sunday! Also: Do let us know if you’ve caught any good fish in the Netflix sea yourself!

[Read more →]

I suppose TIGHTROPE is more of a thriller than a horror film, but it scratches my horror itch just the same. Plus I’m sure if you asked any of the characters being killed in TIGHTROPE if they felt like they were in a horror movie their answer would be, “Why, yes; yes I do!” I don’t usually have a bunch of patience for police investigations and weird guys in lab coats informing me about blood types, things found under fingernails and tiny miniscule fragments of whatever but when a movie is this relentlessly dank, dark and pervy, it can’t help but hold my interest.

You have to watch it at night though and as late as possible, it might be worthless during the day. I also recommend that even if you catch it on Netflix Streaming that you pretend that you are watching it on Showtime and that at any moment your mom may walk in and be completely scandalized by what’s on the screen.

This is not your typical EASTWOOD movie. With a straight face (not that he has any other) he tells GENEVEIVE BOUJOLD that he wants to lick the sweat of her skin and when a male hooker tells him he won’t know if he likes sex with men until he tries it CLINT snarls, “Maybe I have.” Still waters run deep!

CLINT’s character Wes Block is, on the surface, the typical sturdy and stoic EASTWOOD archetype but spend some time with the guy after hours and you can’t help noticing his piñata is stuffed with Wacky Wafers. Ever since his wife left him for another guy, Block’s once robust male ego has been left as shaky as a Jenga tower. This has resulted in him leaving the dating game behind in favor of popsicle sucking prostitutes and the illusionary sense of power provided by handcuffs. Whatever gets you through the night as they say, but problems arrive when Wes’s taste in one night stands begin to perfectly echo the tastes of a murdering psychopath. It’s almost as if his new found shadowy predilection has developed a life of its own and is making handiwork of violently erasing his debaucherous footprints. Enter love interest Beryl Thibodeaux (BOUJOLD) who is as challenging and self-actualized as Wes’ recent conquests are disposable. Can Wes catch the killer and clear his name while redeeming his spiraling into bacchanalia love life? C’mon it’s still CLINT we’re talking about here!

TIGHTROPE is good! I know CLINT can sometimes come across as a cardboard prig but that’s just because he now looks like a guy who’ll yell at you if you step on his lawn. Way back in 1984 dude was investigating parts of his personality that most leading actors would be too cowardly and image conscious to dream of. (Please never ask me to pick sides between SANDRA LOCKE and CLINT, it would be like choosing between my own memaw and pepaw!) Why did director RICHARD TUGGLE stop making movies? Is it just because OUT OF BOUNDS (1986) flopped? That’s not fair! How come you don’t punish (insert terrible director with a string of flops name here) like that?!

I love TIGHTROPE. If you like horror movies that are not horror movies you will too. Not only does it bravely travel into places you would never enter in real life without a can of Lysol, it also sports an opening kill featuring JAMIE ROSE of JUST BEFORE DAWN! It’s not really a particularly savage kill but it’s one of those great openings that is all full of lady shoes clacking down alleys while a shadow figure lurks behind. Add to that a savory, captured in amber New Orleans setting, a vigorous dose of DAN HEDAYA, an adorable self defense dummy whose eyes light up when you kick it in the crotch, a giant mechanical pizza man brandishing an axe and an honest to goodness evil clown handing out balloons and who can ask for more? This is one of those rare mainstream movies that unapologetically walks on the wild side and is smart enough to lift directly from the slasher and sleaze films of its time. There’s something uniquely personal about it too with EASTWOOD aiming to keep real life Daughter ALLISON (in her film debut) safe from the same darkness he’s prone to court. It’s not always comfortable but it makes me wish CLINT strayed from the beaten path in his movies more often.

[Read more →]

UNK SEZ: I wanted to do a “Best of the Year” list sort of thing but how could I possibly when I’m so hopelessly out of the loop? Part of it’s my fault because I’m trapped in the past but part of it I blame on the fact that many movies never hit my neck of the woods. During the Christmas break I realized that the least I could do was catch up with the recent flicks available on Netflix. This little four-car pileup represents only a fraction of my intake but hopefully we’ll get to some of those other flicks soon too.

TROLLHUNTER

To tell you the truth, knowing that TROLLHUNTER was a found footage flick didn’t make me run to it with open arms. Nothing against the concept, I just wasn’t in the mood for the usual song and dance. I threw all my trepidations in the garbage disposal though as soon as the first troll showed up. He was glorious. If this movie doesn’t convince you that CGI is not necessarily the devil’s plaything then nothing will. Fun, imaginative and crowned with a great character in troll hunter Hans (OTTO JESPERSEN), this movie easily leaped over my expectations and turned out to be quite the horror adventure.

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN

I probably found this movie only about half as funny as I think I was meant to. I was not too comfortable seeing RUTGER HAUER my hero, being treated poorly by Tromaville rejects. It reminded me of the awful day my dog followed me to school and all the other kids laughed at her running down the hall. Don’t laugh at my dog! Suddenly I understood that HOBO wanted me to feel that way so that I could fully enjoy my blue eyed champion RUTGER killing all the rat faced punks. Sadly that understanding came a little too late for me to get all I could have out of this. In any case, I loved all the nasty neon colors swirling around in this movie, the references to MAD MAX and HALLOWEEN 3 and the blippy soundtrack and excellent STREETS OF FIRE theme song at the end. I just don’t enjoy seeing people push RUTGER HAUER around, to me that’s like sacrilege or something.

RED STATE

Wait a minute. How is it possible I was so unimpressed with this movie? I like a good KEVIN SMITH rant and it shouldn’t be very difficult to get me on board with a movie that skewers religious zealots and features JOHN GOODMAN. I thought RED STATE jumped out of the gate fine but I fell off the back of the truck midway through. Maybe it says something about my lack of mettle that I could not adjust to RED STATE’s major shifts in tone of which there are several. There was one point toward the end where I thought perhaps it might redeem itself for me and then instead it went the opposite direction entirely. (Alas, an unfilmed original ending scrapped due to financial restraints sounds more my cup of tea.) As it stands, I felt like the subject matter deserved a far less flippant approach and I was let down by SMITH painting in such broad strokes. I give him much respect for working out of his comfort zone but I felt the wild-eyed caricatures sort of let the garden variety bigot too easily off the hook. I guess this is one of those divisive movies that you either love or hate and I can’t be more shocked that here I stand on this side of the fence!

VANISHING ON 7TH STREET

Don’t worry RED STATE, you are not my least favorite movie in this grouping! That honor belongs to VANISHING ON 7TH STREET! BRAD ANDERSON is a mega valuable and extraordinary director in my eyes. Not only do I dig his forays into horror, like the excellent SESSION 9, but I also think his HAPPY ACCIDENTS and NEXT STOP WONDERLAND are pretty awesome too. VANISHING has a wonderful plot as far as I’m concerned. It’s sort of like WHERE HAVE ALL THE PEOPLE GONE? with darkness itself starring as a malevolent force furiously erasing the world. Unfortunately even though this movie has more going for it than most with ANDERSON’s expertise, an involving concept, semi professional (albeit miscast) actors and I’m sure a reasonable budget of some sort it fails to gel into anything solid enough to cast a shadow itself. It’s just like a big glob of formless putty. It even has the nerve to have an annoying kid character in it and I was of the understanding that we as of a culture had a silent agreement to leave that pesky stock character to disaster movies from the seventies. I’m not telling you not to check this one out; in fact, do and tell me it’s just my imagination that it is as intolerable as I think it is. I don’t mind being wrong. I want to be wrong.

[Read more →]

When it comes to delivering horror, in many ways, Christmas has Halloween beat. Halloween may come with all the obvious dark gruesome imagery but when all is said and done it usually only inspires creative, light-hearted fun. On the other hand Christmas marches with a “Be merry or else” goosestep, casting about insincere niceties while emptying out your wallet and stuffing your stockings with stress and anxiety. You don’t hear about the suicide rate going through the roof in late October do you?

The best way to let off a little steam during the high pressure holiday season is by watching Christmas-themed horror movies. No matter how desperate your lot in life may be, it is pleasing to note that at least you are not being impaled on deer antlers like LINNEA QUIGLEY in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.

Tragically though, Netflix Streaming appears to not understand the necessity of Christmas horror films and their selection of said fare is horrendously devoid of the classics that we all know and love. But don’t worry my kiddies as per usual your Unkle Lancifer has your back! I have put together a night of Netflix Streaming X-MAS horror just in case you need it. So double dose the rum in that eggnog and remember every time someone screams, an angel gets its wings!

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: SANTA CLAUSE

Let’s start out with something terrible shall we? Are you all alone this year? Have you been rejected by your friends and family because your nose glows? Well who needs real human company when you have hosts Mike, Crow and Tom? They are happy to supply fellowship and snarky commentary without eating you out of house and home and asking you pesky questions about your personal life! In this episode of the long running series the gang takes a look-see at a craptacular Mexican holiday film involving an outer space Santa and his war with a pajama clad Satan. You all know whom I’m voting for!

DEAD END (2003)

A car trip to Grandma’s house for Christmas morphs into a voyage into creepsville in this movie that I recommend often. (Review HERE) The ending reveal isn’t exactly as original as a snow flake but the atmosphere is denser than a fruitcake and spending time with RAY WISE (TWIN PEAKS) and LIN SHAYE (INSIDIOUS) is more fun than hanging out with any relative you know.

SIX FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE: A CHRISTMAS TALE

Here I was all excited to recommend this segment of SIX FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE (Review HERE) involving a bunch of tykes who find a Lady Santa in a pit only to have her escape and try to kill them with an axe- when I discovered it’s not available! That’s right! Turns out only select episodes of SIX FILMS ETC. are available for streaming and this ain’t one of them! Way to screw up my post Netflix! Ugh, for reasons unknown I try to help you out Netflix Streaming but you always do me wrong… Damn you, you fickle and ungrateful mistress! Eat a bag of coal.

HARDWARE

I’m not so easily foiled Netflix! I have a last minute substitution! I was just checking out our AVALANCHE OF CHRISTMAS HORROR! list from last year and noticed that kinderpal David Fullam suggested HARDWARE in the comments section. Yes, the robot head in HARDWARE was indeed a Christmas present and that particular movie is available on Netflix Streaming so there you go. Thanks DF, you saved my post!

SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT/ CHRISTMAS EVIL

If you should happen to not have Netflix Streaming there is no need to worry. Public Domain is here to save the day! If you are ever experiencing a Christmas horror movie deprivation emergency just break the glass that has MARY WORONOV and FIONA APPLE’s dad behind it! I’m talking of course about SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT and the hilarious CHRISTMAS EVIL, both of which are at your disposal any time you like! Check out my full reviews HERE and HERE and ogle the full-length videos below. There’s no reason why everyone can’t have a scary Christmas!

[Read more →]

Here’s a twisty-tense thriller that deserves more attention. I mentioned my admiration for 2005’s Canadian psychological thriller THE DARK HOURS a while back in our SNOWBOUND HORROR post. Now, I am happy to tell you that the film is available on Netflix Streaming. To make sure that this flick did not appear larger in my rear view mirror than it actually was, I recently gave it a second gander and found myself just as taken with it as I was before. The amazing thing is that THE DARK HOURS takes on several story elements that I am usually in no mood for and somehow makes me enjoy it just the same. Do I want to see a home invasion flick where people are made to crawl around and grovel while the attacker acts like a morally superior smarmy know it all? No, I hate movies like that! I myself would rather be killed than lectured by a psychopath. Still, somehow against odds, THE DARK HOURS works for me.

KATE GREENHOUSE stars as cool as a cucumber popsicle Dr. Samantha Goodman. If you think the glare she delivers her patients is frigid, check out how she robotically scans an X-ray of her very own brain tumor. (GREENHOUSE deserves big credit for remaining likable while aloof.) When her boss suggests she needs to chillax before she splits at the seams, she heads out for a weekend at her secluded cabin. Once there she finds her caught-off-guard husband and younger sister acting post-screw shady… or is she just being paranoid? A game of Operation does much to lighten the mood but soon the trio are unhappy to learn that they have uninvited houseguests in the form of one of Sam’s sadistic ex-patients (piercing AIDAN DEVINE) and his creepy tag along disciple (JASON X’s DOV TIEFENBACH.) Terrible things happen. So much so that I want to turn the movie off but I can’t. I’m not a fan of involving pets in home invasion festivities. It bums me out.

It ain’t what you do though, it’s the way that you do it and THE DARK HOURS is never nasty for empty shock value alone. The set up may feel familiar but the theatrical way it’s presented is impressively layered. Miniscule details are ten months pregnant with meaning and the coded dialogue weaves together a persuasive anxious mood. The cabin itself becomes a map of Sam’s own troubled mind with mice scratching around in the attic and a fruit cellar built for hiding and denial. Eventually the surfaces of things are scratched away and we are made to realize that not only are several characters misrepresenting themselves but also, thanks to Sam’s scrambled viewpoint, nothing may be what it seems. I know what you’re thinking. I’m kind of over the “what is reality?” crutch casually kicked around in films these days too, but THE DARK HOURS is so intricate with its tinkering of appearances that it reminds me how effective the concept can be when handled with care.

THE DARK HOURS may be too unnerving to be called “fun” but if you are down for something with a toasty fireside parlor game atmosphere and you can appreciate a more adult approach to horror this is worth your time. It has all the right screws loose and it actually earns the right to lie to you.

[Read more →]