ANNOUNCER: Boys and girls, welcome back to the all ready in progress First Annual Kindertrauma Time-Traveling Halloween Costume Parade. We now join your hosts, Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John, on the east lawn of Kindertrauma Castle.
UNKLE: And who is that I see floating across the east lawn?
AUNTIE: Why it’s none other Ronald McVorhees, star of the never to be released FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 17, “DON’T AXE FOR EXTRA FRIES!”
UNKLE: Wait, what?
AUNTIE: Yeah, I couldn’t help but GRIMACE when I saw that trailer!
UNKLE: Stop, I can’t do this. Who wrote this parade banter?
AUNTIE: I did, and I have a knife in my purse under the counter. Just read the teleprompter or I will stab you in the neck.
UNKLE: All righty then, who is this creepy little skeleton?
AUNTIE: Why that awesome lil’ dude is none other than MR. CANACORN of AWESOMENESS FOR AWESOME’S SAKE.
UNKLE: Awesome costume MR. C!
AUNTIE: Yikes! What is our next participant wearing?
UNKLE: That would be the VICAR OF VHS of MAD MAD MAD MAD MOVIES fame rocking, what looks like a hunchback costume.
AUNTIE: Let’s throw it down to the street where VICAR can explain his outfit.
VICAR OF VHS: What we have here is the Vicar, age 7 or 8 (this would be circa 1978 or 1979, showing my age), in what is still pretty much my FAVORITE COSTUME EVAR: the Hunchback! Now what made this costume so great, you ask? Well, except for the cheapo plastic fangs, it’s 100% home-made–my dad’s shirt, my mom’s eye shadow and hairspray, a pillow strapped to my back with a belt. But more importantly than that, it was effective: when I put it on, I BECAME the hunchback! The loping gait, the mush-mouthed pleas for understanding, it was all there. And perhaps best of all, when my cousin (dressed as a little fairy princess) came to our house to trick or treat, and I came bounding out of the house toward her in full RAMPAGE mode, she screamed and scampered to the back of the family van and would not come out until her dad assured her NUMEROUS times that it was just her lil’ cousin. Ah, even after all these years, I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of myself.
AUNTIE: Well, we are very excited by the VICAR‘s pride. Speaking of excitement, I know of some ladies who are very excited by today’s parade.
UNKLE: Oh, really. And who would they be?
AUNTIE: None other than the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS. Take it away girls!
UNKLE: Umm, that wasn’t very exciting.
UNKLE: And it had nothing to do with Halloween. I know you personally choreographed that number, but it lacked a certain level of panache.
AUNTIE: Suck it. Well, our next entrant is certainly not shy about bringing the panache to everything he does.
UNKLE: Sweet Jesus! Is that ADAM of DVD PANACHE?
AUNTIE: You betcha! Let’s hear what he has to say about his get-up.
ADAM: 1988… best costume ever! Ghoul makeup kit bought at Newberry’s, it actually ended up looking better than the package advertised. On the downside, it itched so much I was only able to visit four houses.
UNKLE: I like folks that don’t clown around when it comes to wearing uncomfortable costumes.
AUNTIE: Wait, did you say you like clowns?
UNKLE: Umm, no, are you deaf?
AUNTIE: Nope, I’m in parade mode and I love making shameless segues. Straight from the Kindertrauma Commenter Big Top comes our next participant… the one and only MICKSTER as a scary clown!
UNKLE: Wait, what is she doing? It looks like…
AUNTIE: … she is changing costumes!
UNKLE: Go MICKSTER!
AUNTIE: What a little devil!
UNKLE: That PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN sure is a lucky guy.
AUNTIE: Oh my! Are things getting heated along the parade route, or is it just me?
UNKLE: Nope, that’s just your hot flashes acting up again.
AUNTIE: Hold your tongue UNKLE, and hopefully the PROFESSOR will hold his fire.
UNKLE: Wait, what?
AUNTIE: Shhh… up next is PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN!
PROFESSOR: Here’s me in 1982, age 7, prepared to get candy and shoot commies in the face.
UNKLE: And on that note, let’s pause for a TRAUM-MERCIAL break from unofficial parade sponsor Coor’s Light.
AUNTIE: And we’re back!
UNKLE: That ad made me thirsty.
AUNTIE: Well, you’re in luck. Up next we have two of our favorite thirst quenchers.
UNKLE: BEA ARTHUR and CHARLOTTE RAE?
AUNTIE: No, you silly goose! DANIELLE & FREDDIE co-proprietors of the best bar in the whole wide world, 12 STEPS DOWN.
UNKLE: Wait, which one is which?
AUNTIE: Let’s throw it to DANIELLE for an explanation.
DANIELLE: I am in the lovely 1980 fall addition clown costume, Freddie is the homemade hooker in the middle, which scarily resembles what I look like today, and the ravishing Vampire is my oldest brother Johnny!
UNKLE: I love them. And remember kids, if you are ever in the greater Philadelphia area looking for a watering hole, stop by 12 STEPS DOWN, conveniently located at the corners of 9th & Christian Streets!
AUNTIE: Speaking of great brother and sister acts, check out our next entrants… commenter Megatone230 and his SCOOBY-DOO sis:
UNKLE: Can we get a close-up of his face?
AUNTIE: MEGATONE230, how did you come up with such a scary face?
MEGATONE230: I got the idea for it from the way cool ‘Make-up Monsters‘ book, I ordered from the Weekly Reader in school.
MEGATONE230: My mom helped do the make-up.
UNKLE: Moms really are the best when it comes to helping with make-up.
AUNTIE: And when it comes to hair, nobody beats a Grandma!
UNKLE: What the hell are you babbling about?
AUNTIE: Our next parader is none other than ME, your AUNT JOHN, rocking the Number #1 Super-Guy costume HONG KONG PHOOEY. Flanked by my older brothers, CHUCKY & FRANKY, I do believe we went with a super-hero theme that year.
UNKLE: What the hell is on your head?
AUNTIE: Listen, even at the age of four, when this was taken in 1976, I was a stickler for authenticity. Remember when H.K.P. rocked a perm, like everyone else in the ‘70s?
UNKLE: Nope, afraid not.
AUNTIE: Well he did, and I accessorized my look with my Grandma’s wig to take this box-job costume to the next level. From what I remember, that shit was super hot, literally, and I was a sweaty mess by night’s end.
UNKLE: You are a freak.
AUNTIE: Speaking of super-freaks, let’s move on to our next parader.
UNKLE: O.M.G.!, is that who I think it is?
AUNTIE: Yep, it’s none other than your favorite zombie gunslinger, WIL of HORROR YEARBOOK!
UNKLE: Where are my smelling salts? Zombie cowboys fill me with fear!
AUNTIE: Silly UNKLE, never fear… that sly FOX of TRACTOR FACTS is here!
UNKLE: Yay! UNDERDOG! I feel so much safer now!
AUNTIE: Well I’m glad you feel safe UNK, ’cause our final parader is making me slightly nervous with her glow stick. What is she doing?
UNKLE: Hmmm, it looks like she is spelling something. I can sort of make out the letters from here…
AUNTIE: “To KINDERTRAUMA“… something, something “Jamie.” What the hell?
UNKLE: Awww… it’s OFFICIAL TRAUMATOT DANIELLE HARRIS.
AUNTIE: For those watching at home, I don’t know how we managed to get the star of HALLOWEENS 4 & 5, but there she is… clowning around on the east lawn Kindertrauma Castle. I love it!
UNKLE: Wow, that parade went too fast. I guess the whole time-traveling factor just goes to show that anything can happen on Halloween!
AUNTIE: Funny, you should say that. Boys and girls, please give a big Kindertrauma welcome to our master of closing ceremonies… TIM CURRY!
AUNTIE: Special thanks to MR.CANACORN, the VICAR OF VHS, ADAM of DVD PANACHE, MICKSTER, PROFESSOR VON WHISKERSEN, DANIELLE & FREDDIE from 12 STEPS DOWN, MEGATONES 230, WIL from HORROR YEARBOOK, FOX of TRACTOR FACTS, the KINDERTRAUMA DANCERS, DANIELLE HARRIS, and TIM CURRY for participating in today’s festivities.
UNKLE: We love you all more than Halloween itself!
AUNTIE: Seriously. Now get out there, get your trick-or-treat on, and have the bestest Halloween EVER!