I’ll be honest with y’all, here at the Castle we go through maids like Pringles potato chips. The latest to be canned is Hagatha Kettlebottom who has been with us for years. Unfortunately, she’s been having more senior moments than not lately. Once was all she had to do was bat her eyelashes and do her spot on Urkle impression, “Did I do that?” and we’d be rolling on the floor laughing, broken commemorative ANNIE plates be damned. Well her cute act has worn thin, and today it was Aunt John‘s turn to drop the axe (I fired the last seven). Before I knew it, that old softy Aunt John and Hagatha were wiping away each other’s tears and I had to step in and be firm. I pushed the old broad into a conveniently located wheelbarrow and hauled her ass off the grounds, even as Auntie howled and begged for a change of heart on my part.
How was this old woman able to push your usually patient as a saint Unkle Lancifer‘s cool as a cucumber Pisces disposition to it’s ultimate breaking point? Why did I feel that steering her kicking and screaming body off the grounds in a wheelbarrow was not enough? Why did I also decide to end her little impromptu ride by dumping her ancient carcass into a fish bone strewn trash pit in back of the local RED LOBSTER?
I’ll tell ya… that biznitch ruined my Halloween! I told that ninny to rent as many horror movies as she could find at the local video store for our Halloween festivities. Mind-blowingly an hour later she had the nerve to hand me over a sour smelling empty milk crate with these incredibly NOT Halloween movies nesting inside!
1. DYING YOUNG (1991): JULIA ROBERTS is a nightmare, agreed but this is not a horror movie by any stretch of the imagination. Hagatha’s only explanation was whispered to her fake baby. Yes, Hagatha carries around a “reborn” which she dotes on when she should be cleaning and paying attention to my whims!
2. THE KILLING FIELDS (1984): I’m sure this a good movie and that I would learn a bunch by watching it, but that is exactly the opposite of what I’m looking for.
3. THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940): I can still hear her horrible quivering voice trying to make sense of this choice “Me thought the mister would get a fright if the grapes attacked, I did.” It was all I could do not to slam a frying pan into her face. Thank god Aunt John held me back!
4. NIGHT OF THE IGUANA (1964): O.K., I can kinda see where she could get confused here but ever thought of reading the back of the box?
5. FIERCE CREATURES (1997): “It stars JAMIE LEE CURTIS it does.”
6. CRAZY PEOPLE (1990): This is a DUDLEY MOORE “comedy” for Christ sake. What is wrong with this woman? She only made matters worse by regaling the same tired story about her “Nutter” brother Ian who stripped down naked to his socks and chased several town people about while waving a cleaver, “One early St. Swithin’s Day.”
7. WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOLF? (1966): As much as no movie on Earth depicts life at Kindertrauma Castle better than this film, it’s simply not appropriate Halloween fare.
8. KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN (1985): ditto.
9. 28 DAYS (2000): No, not 28 DAYS LATER the one with the zombies, 28 DAYS the one with SANDRA BULLOCK in rehab.
10. GIANT (1956): I’m not going to complain about a JAMES DEAN movie, but the idea that this mad woman thought it was a film about an actual scary giant boggles my mind. Do they even make movies about scary giants?
11. THE WHALES OF AUGUST (1987): Yes, VINCENT PRICE is in this and yes the specter of death hangs over all proceedings, but it’s not scary and contrary to Hagatha’s protests, it does not have a killer whale in it.
12. THE DEAD (1987): This was the last straw. I’d had it. We have here a JOHN HUSTON FILM based on the work of JAMES JOYCE. Halloween is just around the corner. Thousands of guests are due to arrive and now I’m going to be left with only the millions of horror movies that I have lying around the castle to entertain my guests. Some of whom are traveling hundreds of miles to get here!
You’re fired Hagatha, fired,fired,fired. Your Urkel impersonation will not get you out of this one!