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12 Movie Characters Not To Invite to Your Holiday Party

December 9th, 2007 by unkle lancifer · 3 Comments


After years of entertaining at the holidays, we here at Kindertrauma like to consider ourselves armchair experts when it comes to decorating with tinsel and making homemade eggnog. We’ve also learned exactly who is deserving of a get-together invite, and who would be better served with a restraining order. Like Santa, we maintain a list of partygoers who are naughty and nice, and the following folks have been blacklisted from all future Kindertrauma-sponsored holiday functions:

12. SCROOGE (ALASTAIR SIM) a.k.a fun removal machine: The only time he takes a break from talking about work is when he’s mid-delusion, bargaining with the angel of death.
11. Scut Farkus (ZACK WARD) from A CHRISTMAS STORY: Do you really wanna stare at this mug from across the table?
10. JACK FROST: He’s a rapist, and he’ll leave your bathtub a mess.
9. The hobo (voice of TOM HANKS) from THE POLAR EXPRESS: Much like the film he occupies, he’s under the false impression that he’s heartwarming and charming when in actuality he’s stomach churning and nightmarish. Like a crappy movie that won’t end, he’s the guest who stays forever.
8. Alternative-universe Claire Phillips from SCROOGED (KAREN ALLEN): Aside from hating poor, starving children, she apparently shares the same powder puff as JOAN VAN ARK.
7. Mr. Potter (LIONEL BARRYMORE) from IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE: Although richer than God, he’s not above petty theft. Keep your eye on this one; we caught him digging through the pockets of the coat pile in the Kindertrauma master bedroom last year.
6. CHRISTMAS EVIL‘s Harry Stadling (BRANDON MAGGERT): A notorious cross dresser, he’s likely to slip out with your wife’s slip, and your grandma’s church wig.
5. Mrs. Mac from BLACK CHRISTMAS (MARION WALDMAN): Most likely to drain your liquor cabinet and, more importantly, the hidden hooch kept in the back of your toilet tank.
4. Young Grinch (PASSIONS star JOSH RYAN EVANS) from HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS: Sure he’s adorable, but not only is he way high maintenance, he also brings back unwanted memories of wee ’70s songster PAUL WILLIAMS. Trained orangutan Nurse Precious is a better bet.
3. Mrs. Deagle (POLLY HOLLIDAY) from GREMLINS: She’s an unrepentant dog hater, and she requires a chairlift.
2. Grandpa Chapman (WILL HARE) from SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT: This crazy coot clams up in group settings yet we’ll talk your ear off as soon as he gets you alone. Don’t even get him started on Santa Claus; his obsessive paranoid conspiracy theories rival those of fellow party pooper OLIVER STONE.
santa's slay
1. If you do make the mistake of inviting the above nine, there is a quick and easy way to get rid of them. Just invite our #1 pick Santa (BILL GOLDBERG) from SANTA’S SLAY. In the opening sequence, he takes out FRAN DRESHER, CHRIS KATTAN, REBECCA GAYHEART, and JAMES CAAN, proving that he’s quite adept at demolishing a room full of D-listers.

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Tags: Traumatizers




3 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Peter HallNo Gravatar // Dec 23, 2007 at 1:35 am

    Holy shit, Farkus was Zack Ward!?!?!?!!

    This is why I love this blog.

  • 2 Caffeinated JoeNo Gravatar // Dec 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    I think this line up would make a great Christmas special!

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