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The Children

December 26th, 2007 by aunt john · 5 Comments


Following a nuclear leak of some sort at the Yankee Power Company, a sulfur-colored cloud wafts past a covered bridge in the small town of Ravensack and engulfs a busload of school children singing annoying songs. After the cloud clears, Sheriff Billy Hart (GIL ROGERS) happens upon the now abandoned bus, and the search for the missing kids begins. The kids aren’t really missing, however, they’ve just mutated into black nail polish wearing zombies with a penchant for incinerating people to death via hugs. As the children leave a trail of victims in their adorable wake, the Sheriff joins forces with parents John and Cathy Freemont (MARTIN SHAKAR & GALE GARNETT) to track down the toxic tykes. [Editor’s Note: GARNETT is the folk-song stylist responsible for the hit We’ll Sing in the Sunshine, and also voiced Francesca in Kindertrauma-fave MAD MONSTER PARTY]. While the Sheriff and her husband are driving around and finding a bunch of burnt bodies, the very pregnant Cathy kicks back and enjoys a cigarette to calm her jangled nerves. The trio eventually reconvenes at the Freemont household for the final showdown, where it is discovered that the children are impervious to sawed-off shotguns and, for some amusing reason, can only be killed when their nail polish slathered hands are hacked off with a machete. The children do put up a pretty good fight, with their hugging and squeezing, and do manage to take out the Sheriff before John hacks the mitts of the last little zombie. No sooner than you can say, “Honey, our one son is dead, and, oh yeah… I just killed our zombie daughter,” Cathy goes into labor, and John assists in the prolonged, scream-punctuated home delivery. Just when you think calm has been restored to the Freemont home, a gratuitous close-up of Cathy breastfeeding reveals black nail polish on the fingers of the newborn suckling her teat.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S) :

  • The inexplicably cunt-tastic Dr. Gould is hugged to death in the graveyard
  • The repeated, pre-HELEN LOVEJOY use of the phrase, Think of the children!
  • Cathy sneaking the aforementioned butt. They really don’t make pre-natal/pro-smoking movies like this anymore
  • Zombie baby breastfeeding!
  • If the music in this film sounds familiar, it’s because it was scored by HENRY MANFREDINI, who was working on the soundtrack to FRIDAY THE 13TH at the same time. There is a lot of musical overlap between the two films

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Tags: Kids Who Kill




5 responses so far ↓

  • 1 RATSAWGODNo Gravatar // Dec 27, 2007 at 12:17 pm

    I neve rsaw this flick as a wee little kid, but I remember the trailers being run on tv and their absolutely terrified me, sending me into the arms of my mother, hands clamped over my ears so I wouldn’t hear the scary scorching sounds either.

  • 2 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Dec 29, 2007 at 7:51 pm

    This movie could never live up to it’s ad campaign. Both the t.v commercials and the poster conjure up a movie in your head thats ten times scarier than anything they could ever put on the screen!

  • 3 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Dec 29, 2007 at 8:10 pm

    C’mon… that nail polish was spooky!

  • 4 MsPacman75No Gravatar // Aug 5, 2008 at 5:35 pm

    This movie horrified me as a child.  I’m sure the previews (and the fact that I was 5) had something to do with it.  Whatever it was, THIS movie had a long lasting effect. 

  • 5 HorrorCatNo Gravatar // Dec 2, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    This is a movie I *wish* I had seen as a child.  Instead of that wonderful scary treat, I saw it as an adult and between cringing, I was giggling.   Thank you for giving me a chance to read *something* good about it.

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