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Happy Arbogast Day 2011!

May 9th, 2011 by unkle lancifer · 15 Comments

It’s the day after Mother’s Day and around these parts that means it’s Arbogast Day! This is the day we honor fellow blogger Arbogast of ARBOGAST ON FILM by taking part in his “The One I Might Have Saved” meme. It’s a kindertrauma tradition and it must be upheld even though this year I believe I may have figured out who the mysterious Arbogast actually is. I can’t explain how I came to this conclusion but I am now convinced that he may, in fact, be noted author Margaret Atwood working under a nom de plume.

Be that as it probably is, I’ve got Arbogast Day work to do. The idea behind “The One I Might Have Saved” is to write about a character in a film who you would have not die if you could and this year my pick was super easy.

I guess I should shout spoiler alert, but if you did not go see SCREAM 4 in the movie theater than really what kind of fan are you and do you even care? I can’t wait around here for everybody to see everything before I talk about it! Try to keep up!

With apologies to stalwart Kinderpal Chris who feels exactly the opposite way as I do, I have no choice but to save Kirby Reed (HAYDEN PANETTIERE) of SCREAM 4. Hey, did I really ruin anything? You don’t know how she dies or whether it sticks. This is a slasher series so it would be easy enough to recon Kirby back from the grave. If ROB ZOMBIE can breath life back into Annie Brackett for H2 I’d think anything outside of a decapitation can be bounced back from (and Michael Myers even once found a way to recover from that!). Sadly Kirby as a character faces something more deadly than on screen mutilation and that is slim box office revenue. SCREAM 4 was sorta a financial dud but nobody, try as they might, can blame me for that.

The reason I like Kirby so much is because I originally thought I was going to hate her and she totally won me over. I can’t resist a secret cinephile and I love people who just happen to know things and aren’t so insecure that they have to brag about it all the time. Kirby basically embodied all of the strong points of the original SCREAM characters and therefore to me comes across as more well-rounded than the lot of them. She also had a very progressive haircut, which makes me think she was far too clever to kick the bucket in the way that she did. That girl had sass without being an ass and I loved the way she shook that ice in her glass! Kirby fans know what I’m talking about!

Yes, frighteningly I am for once not alone. Go visit the IMDb message boards and look what’s brewing. Many people not only agree that Kirby is boss but also are quite convinced that she MUST be still alive. You may as well know that I just joined the Facebook page of like-minded individuals. Surely I am the oldest among them daydreaming that Kirby shall return from the ashes but who cares? You don’t stay young with exercise folks, you stay young through the magic of utter denial of reality. How do you think I still get carded? Fan-demonium is the fountain of youth!

Kirby needs to be brought back. She needs to now carry the franchise. I don’t care if Part 4 was a financial bust because I have a solution and it’s called make the next one cheaper. Why the hell did SCREAM 4 cost 40 million dollars to begin with? I just know it went to into the paychecks of the original stars and so I say drop em’! Who needs them? They’re just treading water anyway! They’re not Kirby. Holy crap, I just signed a petition to save her! This Arbogast Day won’t be about “The One I Might Have Saved!” This year is about “The One I WILL Save!” Kirby lives!

“She cared so much she offered up her body to the grave.”-OMD

NOTE: Arbogast Day is not Arbogast Day without visiting Arbogast! Go check Arby out HERE and tell him I said, “Thanks for Kirby-ing my enthusiasm!”

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15 responses so far ↓

  • 1 ChrisNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Ah, no apologies necessary, my dear Unk. I had a feeling I haven’t heard the last reguarding Kirby on this site. And y’know what? I agree with you! Bring her back (with a better hairstyle of course) just so she can be killed again! That would bring me nothing but joy. 🙂

    Yes, I’m a real bastard, aren’t I?

  • 2 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Saint Kirby, please forgive Chris for he knows not what he says!

    Chris, there is no “better hairstyle” with the possible exception of the Princess Leia Organa Kaiser roll!

    My theory is that after being stabbed Kirby fell to the ground and then a trap door opened up in the lawn and she slid down a slide and landed in an underground bunker inhabited by friendly raccoons that nursed her back to heath. If you watch the movie backwards there are like a million clues backing my hypothesis.

    Also, I’m starting to think Mary McDonnell’s less celebrated character “Lady with grocery bag” may be still alive too!

  • 3 ChrisNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Saint Kirby! HA! Thank you for that, my friend. I always wondered what coffee out the nose would feel like. 🙂

    And as for the friendly raccoons? I’ll buy it. Heck, that wouldn’t be any worse than anything that happened in part 3.

  • 4 ArbogastNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 11:14 am

    This is shaping up to be the best Arbogast Day ever! Mostly because I remembered and can experience it as it happens!

  • 5 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Arbogast, the man of the hour!!! Happy you day!

    I have a feeling that I could not get Arby to watch Scream 4 if I paid him but my brain would not let me think of anyone but Kirby to save this year! My brain has a mind of its own.

  • 6 Luki8701No Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Kirby was awesome. Simply put she rocked, even my friend who hates Haden fell in love with Kirby. She was definitely the best out of the new kids in Scream 4. She likes/owns Suspiria and Don´t Look Now, you can never go wrong with that.

  • 7 ArbogastNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    I was 35 or so when the first Scream came out and it was a swing and a miss for me. Nevertheless, I saw Scream 2 and thought it was a mild improvement. I never had the urge to see the third film but there’s a part of me – a very small part (obviously not my feet) – that is considering taking a fresh run through the series later to see if my feelings have changed.

  • 8 David FullamNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Love the Joan of Arc Waltz!

  • 9 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Luki8701,

    Exactly! Plus she didn’t miss a beat answering that TCM question and she gets drunk and makes out with nerds. What’s not to love?

    Arbogast,

    You may have made a very wise decision jumping ship before part 3! They brought in a new writer for that one and he wasn’t as good. Then again, he had some mighty big shoes to fill.

    DF,

    Right? How great is that OMD? I had that song in my head the whole time I was setting up Kirby’s images!

  • 10 hostelNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    I realy like this actress, she is realy nice girl :d

  • 11 PinchyNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    I agree with everything – except the hair. Not a fan of the Kirby hair. I find it a bit on the Hilary Clinton side…in fact IMO Joan wins the hairdo contest handily.

    My 2011 nomination for saving in honour of Arbogast Day is Carolyn Fry from Pitch Black. For one thing, I never like seeing Rahda Mitchell’s character die in anything. And in Pitch Black you grow so close to her character through the course of the film and identify with her as a surrogate for yourself that – I swear – when she gets harpooned and thrust backward into darkness you can’t help but let out a gasp of unbelief. I’ve always thought hers was a cheap death, serving only as one final plot twist in a film that really didn’t need a final plot twist.

  • 12 bdwilcoxNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    “The idea behind “The One I Might Have Saved” is to write about a character in a film who you would have not be die if you could and this year my pick was super easy.”

    – That reminds me of Ty Webb (Chevy Chase) in Caddyshack: “Me winning isn’t. You do.”

    Danny Noonan: “Great grammar.”

  • 13 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Pinchy,

    I totally agree on the PITCH BLACK Radha front! I’ve actually thought about her character coming back too! I think if they did bring her back for Riddick (which I still love) it would have made all the difference!

    BDwilcox,

    I think I changed it from “not be dead” to “not have die” and forgot to sweep the floor!

    “It’s not how far you go but how go you far.”- Dean Cameron SKI SCHOOL 🙂

  • 14 bdwilcoxNo Gravatar // May 9, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    Dean Cameron? Woah, there’s a blast from the past.
    Chainsaw, in Summer School: “You want me to lie? Okay.”

  • 15 Joseph YniguezNo Gravatar // May 12, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    “That girl had sass without being an ass and I loved the way she shook that ice in her glass!”

    Such a great observation. And the hair bought, owned, and sold it. To me, it’s already as iconic as Amber Heard wasting away on a beach. Best Kirby line “Or, you know, from your life” It’s so sad that none of the other new characters were as well written. I like Hicks, but that had more to do with how well Marley Shelton played her.

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