It’s the day after Mother’s Day and around these parts that means it’s Arbogast Day! This is the day we honor fellow blogger Arbogast of ARBOGAST ON FILM by taking part in his “The One I Might Have Saved” meme. It’s a kindertrauma tradition and it must be upheld even though this year I believe I may have figured out who the mysterious Arbogast actually is. I can’t explain how I came to this conclusion but I am now convinced that he may, in fact, be noted author Margaret Atwood working under a nom de plume.
Be that as it probably is, I’ve got Arbogast Day work to do. The idea behind “The One I Might Have Saved” is to write about a character in a film who you would have not die if you could and this year my pick was super easy.
I guess I should shout spoiler alert, but if you did not go see SCREAM 4 in the movie theater than really what kind of fan are you and do you even care? I can’t wait around here for everybody to see everything before I talk about it! Try to keep up!
With apologies to stalwart Kinderpal Chris who feels exactly the opposite way as I do, I have no choice but to save Kirby Reed (HAYDEN PANETTIERE) of SCREAM 4. Hey, did I really ruin anything? You don’t know how she dies or whether it sticks. This is a slasher series so it would be easy enough to recon Kirby back from the grave. If ROB ZOMBIE can breath life back into Annie Brackett for H2 I’d think anything outside of a decapitation can be bounced back from (and Michael Myers even once found a way to recover from that!). Sadly Kirby as a character faces something more deadly than on screen mutilation and that is slim box office revenue. SCREAM 4 was sorta a financial dud but nobody, try as they might, can blame me for that.
The reason I like Kirby so much is because I originally thought I was going to hate her and she totally won me over. I can’t resist a secret cinephile and I love people who just happen to know things and aren’t so insecure that they have to brag about it all the time. Kirby basically embodied all of the strong points of the original SCREAM characters and therefore to me comes across as more well-rounded than the lot of them. She also had a very progressive haircut, which makes me think she was far too clever to kick the bucket in the way that she did. That girl had sass without being an ass and I loved the way she shook that ice in her glass! Kirby fans know what I’m talking about!
Yes, frighteningly I am for once not alone. Go visit the IMDb message boards and look what’s brewing. Many people not only agree that Kirby is boss but also are quite convinced that she MUST be still alive. You may as well know that I just joined the Facebook page of like-minded individuals. Surely I am the oldest among them daydreaming that Kirby shall return from the ashes but who cares? You don’t stay young with exercise folks, you stay young through the magic of utter denial of reality. How do you think I still get carded? Fan-demonium is the fountain of youth!
Kirby needs to be brought back. She needs to now carry the franchise. I don’t care if Part 4 was a financial bust because I have a solution and it’s called make the next one cheaper. Why the hell did SCREAM 4 cost 40 million dollars to begin with? I just know it went to into the paychecks of the original stars and so I say drop em’! Who needs them? They’re just treading water anyway! They’re not Kirby. Holy crap, I just signed a petition to save her! This Arbogast Day won’t be about “The One I Might Have Saved!” This year is about “The One I WILL Save!” Kirby lives!
NOTE: Arbogast Day is not Arbogast Day without visiting Arbogast! Go check Arby out HERE and tell him I said, “Thanks for Kirby-ing my enthusiasm!”