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TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Virginia K. on Damien Omen 2

February 13th, 2008 by unkle lancifer · 2 Comments


The first two OMEN movies scared the hell out of me when I was a kid and they always seemed to be on T.V. Something about those demonic chants that would come before an approaching death got to me. Were they singing “Long live Damien”? The scariest part, I think, was in the second film when that guy fell into the ice. Just knowing that he could see safety through the ice but not reach it freaked me. All the people running around unable to do anything but watch him float away, and he could SEE them! What an awful way to go!! 

Yes Virginia, there is a danger to be found on frozen lakes! And as we once did with scarf safety, we’re going to take the opportunity you just provided us to speak of ice safety. Usually ice safety is a subject for spring, but with this whole global warming thing going on, now is as good a time as any. We don’t want any of our beloved readers to suffer the same fate as that guy in DAMIEN OMEN 2! Let’s look at some other fine films that address that logical fear! 

THE DEAD ZONE: Remember when the icy lake swallowed up an entire kiddie hockey team? CHRISTOPHER WALKEN tried to warn them, but those nasty parents thought he was a kook! Well, now their children are kidsicles. Let this be a lesson, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO WALKEN!
WHISPER: Icy lakes are dangerous enough but, as the previously mentioned DAMIEN OMEN2 illustrated, they are particularly dangerous when a demonic devil child is in the vicinity. When will people learn?
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE: Georgie boy wished he was never born, but guess what? If he was never born he could not have saved his little brother from this horrendous sledding accident. See Georgie, your life has value because thankless dolts like your bro here were able to benefit from it!
GHOST STORY: Being high up on a bridge and looking down at the ice is not even advisable because you never know when a ghost of a woman you accidentally murdered is going to show up and scare you so bad that you fall off.
THE SWEET HEREAFTER: If you feel you must tempt the ice god Jack Frost, do so on foot for heaven’s sake. Don’t drive a school bus full of children onto a frozen lake as this fool has done!
CURTAINS: Who says the ice even has to break? Here a hapless loser was just trying to skate to her groovy boombox when a hag-masked sickie with a sickle showed up and played whack-a-mole with her face. 

Google research also reveals similar ice calamities in cute doggy flicks (EIGHT BELOW), crap-fests that shoplifters have to star in for penance (MR.DEEDS), and the always educational daytime sudser PASSIONS.

So listen up kids, if you’re going to learn anything in life, it certainly won’t be at school. It will be at the movies, and all movies agree STAY OFF THE ICE!


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Tags: Traumafessions

2 responses so far ↓

  • 1 SeanOfTheDeadNo Gravatar // Feb 13, 2008 at 2:57 am

    Hang on…. Passions is a soap opera?!?! I thought I had been watching a documentary for the past few years…

  • 2 VicarOfVHSNo Gravatar // Feb 13, 2008 at 9:55 am

    That Curtains still is going to give me nightmares. Thanks, unkle.

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