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The Bridge To Terrabithia

March 10th, 2009 by unkle lancifer · 9 Comments

I give up. I throw up my hands and I give up. It’s like I just discovered that I’m a Cylon except like a really, really wimpy one. After being beaten to a pulp by EDEN LAKE, then being misled and thrown for a loop by BABYSITTER WANTED, I was ready to just watch a normal movie with no surprises or hidden agendas. I was off to a good start because BURNT OFFERINGS was on cable this past weekend and I dutifully watched it twice. No surprises there; the chimney falls on the kid’s head every time! So far so good, but this morning when I was flipping channels I got zoomed yet again when I decided watching THE BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA would be a good idea.

Hey, it’s just a couple kids building a tree house and making up an elaborate fantasy world in the forest, what could go wrong?

Cut to an hour and a half later when your Unkle Lancifer is a sniveling pile of goo. I can’t take it anymore! If there had been a MANDY MOORE song over the closing credits, I would have blown my brains out like a cartoon cat with only, “Goodbye cruel world!” as my last words. So if you’re keeping score at home: EDEN LAKE kicked my ass; BABYSITTER WANTED slapped me around a bit; and then when I thought I was ready to brush myself off and move on, little, tiny innocent baby BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA snuck in, stomped on my foot like SHIRLEY TEMPLE and then taunted me to tears.

If you’ve only seen commercials and trailers for BRIDGE then you may think, as I did, that it is a fantasy adventure movie like, say, THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE. You may even think it’s a corny feel-good movie about the power of imagination… it’s a trick! A Trojan horse! Yes, ZOOEY DESCHANEL plays a music teacher who sings “Why can’t we be friends?”, but it’s just to soften you up for the sucker punch! Watching BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA is actuality more like witnessing BAMBI’s mother getting shot in the face by SOUNDER over and over again while GENA ROWLANDS and JAMES GARNER cheer from the sidelines.

Here is an admission you’ll not likely to read on BLOODY DISGUSTING or AIN’T IT COOL NEWS, later today I’m going to go out and buy a Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit complete with Dutch boy wig. After I put both on I’m going to purchase the largest all day lollipop I can find and I’m going to skip all the way home with it. If any bullies pick on me, I’m going to give them a big wet raspberry and then jump on a pink pogo stick and bounce away, probably to the nearest mental hospital where I can get a long rest in a rubber room preferably within a STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE sleeping bag. If you’ve seen this movie, you know what I’m talking about, and if you have not, well you have been warned. Who says trauma is just for kids?!?

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Tags: Tykes in Trouble




9 responses so far ↓

  • 1 PhantomWerewolfNo Gravatar // Mar 10, 2009 at 10:24 am

    You’re not alone, Unk. This movie reduces me and my brother to tears every time we think about it. Very misleading but still very good.

    Just keep tissues in hand when watching.

  • 2 LaDraculNo Gravatar // Mar 10, 2009 at 11:23 am

    I remember watching the TV version of it in the ’80s and being so upset by it that one character doesn’t survive. And she was so likable, too! And the fact it’s adorable AnnaSophia Robb makes it worse for me!!!

  • 3 jm_kayeNo Gravatar // Mar 10, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Sorry guys, but that’s what you get for not reading the book first!  That book utterly destroyed me when I was eleven, and I refused to go anywhere near the movie.

  • 4 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Mar 10, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Ugh, Even while setting up this post and finding the “why can’t we be friends” clip on youtube I almost lost it AGAIN! 
    I think this movie can be used like the Voight-Kampff test in “Blade Runner” If you don’t cry while watching it then it proves you are a replicant. 

  • 5 FoxNo Gravatar // Mar 11, 2009 at 12:23 am

    UNK-

    So sensitive lately, huh?  Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but I’m just wondering if maybe you’re pregnant or something.

  • 6 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Mar 11, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Fox,

    I’ve taken three home pregnancy tests today and 2 of them came out negative so I don’t know what to think.

  • 7 NiNiNo Gravatar // Mar 11, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    That was fast! It was only 4 days ago that you agreed to have my biologically-impossible babies! 😮

    If it’s a girl we’ll name it after Aunt John; if it’s a boy, we’ll name it after…. uh, Aunt John, I guess.

  • 8 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Mar 13, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    @NiNi: (as I slap you across the face with my glove) HOME WRECKER!

    Okay, you can name it after me.

  • 9 KahotepNo Gravatar // May 8, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    On top of the manipulative nature of the story, what about the teacher who decides to take the kid to the city without permission from the parents? Good thing it was a female teacher/male student relationship, since women are never a danger to kids…

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