Year: 2009
The Last House on the Left (2009)
I had no desire to see the remake of THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT; the whole concept kind of skeeved me out. Unlike the other slasher re-dos, this didn't exactly seem like a fun flick that fans could all go hand in hand to and share warm nostalgic feelings about. The original is a definite product of its time and, for the most part, a grueling experience (and no WES CRAVEN, the bungling cop comic relief does little to help). Watching a gritty extended rape enacted by a bunch of out of shape hippies is one thing, but watching a glossy remix staring a bunch of would-be fashion models just seemed so very wrong. I'm sorry, maybe I'm old fashioned but I prefer my cinematic rapists to be comfortably fugly and their victims to be…you know, NED BEATTY. That said, a pal told me LAST HOUSE 2009 was pretty good and so I eventually watched it and I gotta say my pal was right.
Turns out LAST HOUSE is the perfect movie to remake because there is so much room for improvement and enough time has passed that the original's flaws are pretty glaring. The new version makes a lot more sense and thankfully gives its characters not only more depth but also a much appreciated fighting chance. SARA PAXTON who plays Mari Collingwood, the young victim, gives a brave performance and her nail biting escape attempt comes off as heroic as hell. She doesn't fare as well as one would hope, but that doesn't make the attempt any less moving or courageous. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6's TONY GOLDWYN and MONICA (man, I can't believe she's old enough to play a mom now-but I checked, she is) POTTER hold equally strong ground as the sympathetic avenging parents. Nobody in the world can replace horror icon DAVID HESS as sicko Krug, but GARRET DILLAHUNT gets a passing grade by me. He may be way too soap opera buff, but he still manages to convincingly convey menace (some thanks go to his weird death skull beard ). Really, as far as the cast goes there's not a weak link in the bunch.
This is a consistently tense movie; it's rewarding though after you get past the harrowing rape scene (which for a mainstream film is pretty disturbing). The Collingwoods are easy to route for, they've already suffered the loss of a son and they serve hot chocolate to strangers; naturally it's a blast to watch them kick some much deserving scumbag ass. Rather than take the easy route of being an empty exercise in revenge though. LAST makes attempts (mostly through Krug's son) to convey that what we're really talking about here is the value of a nurturing family. A hand does get shredded in the garbage disposal, but the idea of who is right or wrong is never the least bit foggy. After watching the technically inept OFFSPRING and the visual non splendor of a certain found camera footage movie, I found it a relief to experience a film where somebody knew how to set up a suspense scene and the cinematography took more than a moment of human thought. This is effective stuff and the atmosphere, once the homestead is hit by a well timed rainstorm, is perfect for late night viewing with the lights off. In the end I was reminded more of SCORSESE's CAPE FEAR than the original shocker this was based on. There is one tiny little problem though…
This movie has the worst ending ever, the dumbest, most out of place, tacked on ending in the world. At first I thought I'd just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, but I've decided to embrace it. It may destroy in one instance the respect the film worked so very hard to gain, but it's also, when you think about it, pretty damn funny.
Kinder-News :: The Second Annual Kindertrauma Halloween Parade (It's On!)
Hey kids, it's your Aunt John here with some pretty spook-tacular news! After squaring off against the neighborhood civic association, posting a pretty hefty bond for extra police security, and promising that we would have no arrests for drunk & disorderly conduct, I received the final permits necessary to hold the SECOND ANNUAL KINDERTRAUMA HALLOWEEN PARADE on the east lawn of Kindertrauma Castle.
If there's one thing your Aunt John loves more than a parade (I'm a sucker for marching bands and pageantry), it's writing inane parade banter. In the dark hours of sleepless nights when I find myself battling insomnia and questioning my career choices, I really think I missed the boat on that vocation.
While last year's parade was tip-top and top-notch (save for the aforementioned arrests), I did hear some grumbles from folks who couldn't participate because they didn't have any childhood pictures of themselves in Halloween regalia. To remedy this oversight, I am opening the floodgates and leveling the proverbial playing field. If you happen to have a picture of yourself (from child or adulthood) or your pets (cats, dogs, parrots, pot-bellied teacup pigs, etc.) in a Halloween get-up then I invite you to join in on the fun.
Please send your picture and any relevant information (back-story, a link back to your blog, etc.) to kindertrauma@gmail.com (try to include HALLOWEEN PARADE somewhere in the subject line) by Friday, October 30th.
The festivities will kick off on the highest of all holy days (Saturday the 31st… DUH!). Don't let this parade pass you by!
Name That Trauma :: FilmFather on a Frankenstein Monster HBO Special
Hey guys — I've got a Name That Trauma just in time for Halloween…
I remember watching an HBO variety special, featuring a live audience, in the late '70s or early '80s. Only two acts still stick in my head: One was a ventriloquist whose dummy was a plant name Phil O'Dendron. (Sample dialogue between man and dummy: "O'Dendron. Is that Irish?" Dummy: "Well, I'm wearing green!")
The other act was this elaborate set of a scientist's lab, a la Dr. Frankenstein. A scientist in a white lab coat, mop-top hair, and sunglasses (?) brings a Frankenstein-like monster to life from the operating table. The monster's dressed in all black, green skin, but a normal-shaped head (no square noggin). Via remote control, the scientist makes the monster do all kinds of body movements, including a forward lean a la MICHAEL JACKSON in the "Smooth Criminal" video. Audience applauds.
Satisfied with what he's done, the scientist puts down the remote and turns his back to work on something else. Suddenly, the monster becomes self-aware, shoots a look at the scientist and starts walking towards him. He stops directly behind the scientist, the scientist turns around, and the monster grabs both sides of the scientist's head and twists it off his body.
The audience gasps as the doctor's headless body falls to the ground. The monster then raises the head to his face, turns to the camera and, in a close-up, smirks. Turns out the monster was the performer and the scientist was the "monster."
Pretty cool, yes, but as a kid I was not ready for that whole head-tearing-off thing.
Anybody else remember this show, or if there's a clip online somewhere?
AUNT JOHN SEZ: FilmFather, this sounds so familiar but all of my searches are coming up empty handed.
Traumafessions :: Reader Annie M. on BBC's Animated Macbeth
Hey so I know everyone says this, but you guys have an awesome site. Because of its awesomeness, I was compelled to share my own traumafession.
When I was a kid, my parents bought me this series of BBC animated Shakespeare movies. They probably thought that since they were animated, they were for children, right? So, so wrong. The Romeo and Juliet episode contained cartoon nudity and the Midsummer Night's one was even more sexual than that. But the one that sticks out to me the most would have to be the version of Macbeth.
This movie terrified me. I remember watching in rapt horror as the witches at the beginning changed their faces from old crones to horrible skeletons. The whole thing is pretty violent and dark but the worst scene for me was probably the scene where Macbeth kills Duncan.
That, or the scene where Lady Macbeth is doing her whole "unsex me" soliloquy. She is getting more and more frantic and then suddenly RIPS OPEN HER CHEST and some horrible beasts burst out! The animation is really beautiful and I'm sure this scene is supposed to represent all the hatred and lust for power inside her, but I was 6 and did not pick up on that just yet. Anyway, all of the episodes are pretty well done and they're fun to watch now but I still cringe when I see those scenes.
Pretty cool, yes, but as a kid I was not ready for that whole head-tearing-off thing.
Anybody else remember this show, or if there's a clip online somewhere?
Name That Trauma :: Reader Radio1 on a Deboned Lighthouse Keeper & Zombie Lincoln!
Hi Guys,
When I was a kid in the ‘70s, many things scared me. Two of them I cannot identify– though I remember snippets of them.
#1: A film made in ‘60s/early 7'0s. Seen on T.V. in late ‘70s. It opened with some kind of tracking station tracking something. A craft/meteorite or whatever crash lands. Cut to a foggy cove with a lighthouse, the lighthouse attendant finds said something and gets attacked by a monster. He screams and later people find his corpse– but there are no bones in it!
I think it starred one of the big three: VINCENT PRICE, CHRISTOPHER LEE or PETER CUSHING. Could have been a HAMMER film or an AIP film, maybe…
#2: A film made in mid/late ‘70s on NBC Sunday Night Movie. I remember the announcer's voice well. There's some kind of wake or viewing of body in a closed casket (i.e. lying in state). The scene seemed to be in the mid-1800s America. All I can remember is the expensively draped casket (head of state funeral), and suddenly it opens and someone says, "President Lincoln's alive!" That scared the bejesus out of me! Who knows if I watched a few more seconds, maybe I would have found out it was some kind of T.V. Movie revival of THE WILD WILD WEST. But it sure seemed to me like Zombie-Lincoln…!
Can you help?
UPDATE: Senski nailed the first one with ISLAND OF TERROR. We are still looking for an answer to the Zombie Lincoln trauma.
Offspring
I love JACK KETCHUM, he scares the hell out me and once opened, you'd need a crowbar to pry one of his books out of my hands. OFFSPRING, scripted by KETCHUM himself, is based upon the literary sequel to his inaugural terrorizer OFF SEASON. If you're wondering why we're being presented with an adaptation of a sequel before its predecessor, as with many movie head scratchers, it involves a behind the scenes legal issue of some sort. No matter, OFFSPRING works just as well as a standalone story. In fact, the skeletal plot shadows the original tale closely. Basically you have a group of civilized folks battling off a tribe of attacking feral cannibals. An ex-cop is brought in to aid the police and a bloody climax takes place in the cave dwelling of the snarly savages.
On the page KETCHUM can convince you of anything, but OFFSPRING, as a film, has a much steeper hill to climb. Even though I have to admit to being vaguely freaked during some scenes (particularly during the first major attack on the film's happy family) there's a great deal here that fails to persuade. I like to think of myself as pretty adept at forgiving a film its budgetary restrictions, but the cave here looks borrowed from SIGMUND AND THE SEA MONSTERS and unfortunately (thanks to Aunt John's tutelage) I now know a bad wig when I see one. Trust me, the wild marauders depicted are truly disturbing in their actions but, much like in the case of the now dated original THE HILLS HAVE EYES, it's difficult to always take the grunting, blackened-toothed actors in loin clothes seriously.
Lovers of raw, depraved cinema may find scraps to gnaw on here and I appreciate the sparse approach, especially in terms of the films soundtrack. Still, the lack of credibility remains a major roadblock. The reality is, bringing KETCHUM's vicious vision unadulterated to the screen is probably not only impossible but also illegal. Where say, THE GIRL NEXT DOOR made up for its cinematic limitations by concentrating on tone and performances, OFFSPRING, by nature, hasn't quite the same option. Director ANDREW VAN DEN HOUTEN (HEADSPACE) can't really be faulted for going straight for the jugular but without a believably solid rack to hang his entrails on, it's an empty gesture. OFFSPRING has disturbing moments for sure (how else can you describe an infant thrown like a football?), but mostly it just feels routinely (and too often, humorously)…off.
