Traum-mercial Break :: Krazy Karpet

UNK SEZ: Christmas means family, and here at Kindertrauma Castle family means adopted cousin Kitty Leclaw of KILLER KITTENS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE fame! Our long lost relative stopped by recently to tell us exactly what was on the top of her wish-ker list this year. No, it’s not a scratching post, she’s got plenty of those! Kitty covets a Krazy Karpet!

The Peanut Butter Solution

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Kids, your Unkle Lancifer and I received a disturbing call from the Valley Forge Feline Military Boot Camp that our son Wally and ginger-furred stepson Gato Malo attend, and we have to dash off to some sort of parent/drill sergeant meeting. On such short notice, we did our best and managed to snag one the best babysitters Canada has to offer, our second cousin twice-removed, Miss Kitty LeClaw of KILLER KITTENS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. We trust that you will all be on your best behavior (I have marked the levels on my Peppermint Schnapps bottle) as Cousin Kitty discusses the Canadian traumatizer THE PEANUT BUTTER SOLUTION. Take it away Kitty!

Young Michael (MATHEW MACKAY) is the son of a scruffy, unemployed artist (MICHAEL HOGAN). As if that weren’t bad enough, the boy loses all his hair after he suffers a terrible fright while exploring an abandoned building in which two hobos recently died. His doctor could provide no real answers, and the wig his father bought for him wasn’t going to work, either. Just when Michael is about to give up hope, the two dead hobos (HELEN HUGHES and GRIFFITH BREWER) appear to him as benign ghosts, and supply him with a recipe that will restore his locks. The ingredients are simple: 1 really ripe banana, 5 dead flies, 1 rotten egg, 3 licorice leaves, a fistful of kitty litter, 3 Connie Crisps, 3 Crosbie Crackers, 9 spoons of soil, a glass of pepper’s fizz, and a spoonful of peanut butter – but not too much! Michael whips up a batch of the concoction, and when he wakes up the next morning, he is amazed to discover that the solution works. By mid-morning, he has more hair than a Volkswagen bus full of hippies! The solution works so well, in fact, that Michael’s friend Conrad (SILUCK SAYSANASY) borrows a little bit to add some flair to his nether regions.

Although Michael is pleased with his new head of hair, he soon realizes that something has gone horribly wrong. Now it won’t stop growing! After Michael and Conrad are suspended from school until they can get their respective manes under control, things take another turn for the worse: Michael goes missing amid a flurry of child abductions in the neighbourhood. The culprit is an eccentric art teacher, The Signor (MICHEL MAILLOT), who has devious designs on Michael’s hair. The kidnapped children are forced to work day and night constructing “magical” paint brushes made from hacked-off bits of Michael’s mop. Using the magical brushes, The Signor is able to paint scenes which literally come to life. Were it not for the help of his brainiac sister, Suzie (ALISON DARCY), and his friend Conrad, Michael might never have seen the light of day again. The Signor is tricked, and experiences a terrible fright when he ventures into a magical painting of the Ghost House. Conrad, empowered by the new-found machismo in his pants, takes credit for the brilliant scheme, and (presumably) lives happily, hairily ever after with his best friend.

  • Suzie’s futuristic computing machine
  • Conrad blasts one of Michael’s schoolyard hecklers: “If that was a wig, would he have dandruff?”
  • “Please, let me stay,” Michael pleads with his math teacher. “I want to be educated, not just hairy!”
  • Dream sequence in which Michael is attacked by a pack of German Shepherds who are attracted to his flowing, delicious hair
  • The film’s soundtrack features original material performed by Canadian chanteuse CELINE DION (pre-worldwide fortune and fame). “Michael’s Song” is my personal favourite