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The Peanut Butter Solution

July 21st, 2008 by cousin kitty · 14 Comments

AUNT JOHN SEZ: Kids, your Unkle Lancifer and I received a disturbing call from the Valley Forge Feline Military Boot Camp that our son Wally and ginger-furred stepson Gato Malo attend, and we have to dash off to some sort of parent/drill sergeant meeting. On such short notice, we did our best and managed to snag one the best babysitters Canada has to offer, our second cousin twice-removed, Miss Kitty LeClaw of KILLER KITTENS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. We trust that you will all be on your best behavior (I have marked the levels on my Peppermint Schnapps bottle) as Cousin Kitty discusses the Canadian traumatizer THE PEANUT BUTTER SOLUTION. Take it away Kitty!

Young Michael (MATHEW MACKAY) is the son of a scruffy, unemployed artist (MICHAEL HOGAN). As if that weren’t bad enough, the boy loses all his hair after he suffers a terrible fright while exploring an abandoned building in which two hobos recently died. His doctor could provide no real answers, and the wig his father bought for him wasn’t going to work, either. Just when Michael is about to give up hope, the two dead hobos (HELEN HUGHES and GRIFFITH BREWER) appear to him as benign ghosts, and supply him with a recipe that will restore his locks. The ingredients are simple: 1 really ripe banana, 5 dead flies, 1 rotten egg, 3 licorice leaves, a fistful of kitty litter, 3 Connie Crisps, 3 Crosbie Crackers, 9 spoons of soil, a glass of pepper’s fizz, and a spoonful of peanut butter – but not too much! Michael whips up a batch of the concoction, and when he wakes up the next morning, he is amazed to discover that the solution works. By mid-morning, he has more hair than a Volkswagen bus full of hippies! The solution works so well, in fact, that Michael’s friend Conrad (SILUCK SAYSANASY) borrows a little bit to add some flair to his nether regions.

Although Michael is pleased with his new head of hair, he soon realizes that something has gone horribly wrong. Now it won’t stop growing! After Michael and Conrad are suspended from school until they can get their respective manes under control, things take another turn for the worse: Michael goes missing amid a flurry of child abductions in the neighbourhood. The culprit is an eccentric art teacher, The Signor (MICHEL MAILLOT), who has devious designs on Michael’s hair. The kidnapped children are forced to work day and night constructing “magical” paint brushes made from hacked-off bits of Michael’s mop. Using the magical brushes, The Signor is able to paint scenes which literally come to life. Were it not for the help of his brainiac sister, Suzie (ALISON DARCY), and his friend Conrad, Michael might never have seen the light of day again. The Signor is tricked, and experiences a terrible fright when he ventures into a magical painting of the Ghost House. Conrad, empowered by the new-found machismo in his pants, takes credit for the brilliant scheme, and (presumably) lives happily, hairily ever after with his best friend.

  • Suzie’s futuristic computing machine
  • Conrad blasts one of Michael’s schoolyard hecklers: “If that was a wig, would he have dandruff?”
  • “Please, let me stay,” Michael pleads with his math teacher. “I want to be educated, not just hairy!”
  • Dream sequence in which Michael is attacked by a pack of German Shepherds who are attracted to his flowing, delicious hair
  • The film’s soundtrack features original material performed by Canadian chanteuse CELINE DION (pre-worldwide fortune and fame). “Michael’s Song” is my personal favourite

Tags: Tykes in Trouble

14 responses so far ↓

  • 1 kittyleclawNo Gravatar // Jul 21, 2008 at 9:58 am

    Don’t eat that peanut butter! It’s tainted. The YouTubed Michael’s Song clip, however, causes my ears to (mistakenly) believe that today is their birthday. Everything is so much more awesome when it is on Kindertrauma.

  • 2 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Jul 21, 2008 at 10:31 am

    Kitty, thanks for holding down the fort! Great work! I have heard tale of this peanut butter traumatizer but am ashamed to say I have never seen it! If I had any idea about how crazy the plot was I would have caught up with it long ago. The American VHS cover downplays the bad hair day aspects of the film and even more strangely makes no mention of Celine Dion’s contribution! Talk about hiding your light under a bushel! Why, I had never even heard the “listen to the magic man” song before which is the musical answer to the question “what would happen if the goonies theme had a baby with the neverending story theme? I wonder if Celine’s frankenstein hairdo in the video was a tribute to the film or just  how she was working it those days.

    here is the magic man video:

    watch at your own risk!
  • 3 kittyleclawNo Gravatar // Jul 21, 2008 at 10:51 am

    I haven’t seen this video in years. Every once in a while, they play it on the french language music video station, Musique Plus, but I think their VHS equipment must have busted, because it hasn’t made an appearance in some time. Frankly, though, most Canadian music videos are exactly like this, which is why our national crime rate remains comparatively low.

    Even the Canadian VHS covers (PBS has never seen the light of DVD) make no mention of the Dion-o-riffic soundtrack. At the time, she was only 17, and performed mostly in french. The english-speaking media in Canada never paid her much attention.

    If you’re into the “vintage” Dion stuff, you should check out the video for Where Does My Heart Beat Now?  It’s full of scary-ass porcelain dolls and Celine in the throes of what at times appears to be demonic possession.

  • 4 CarrieWhitePowerNo Gravatar // Jul 21, 2008 at 11:20 am

    I totally forgot about this!

  • 5 unkle lanciferNo Gravatar // Jul 21, 2008 at 11:37 am

    Kitty, as far as Canadian songstresses go I’m more into the vintage Alanis.

    why can’t i find a video of her being slimed on “you can’t do that on television”?

  • 6 kittyleclawNo Gravatar // Jul 21, 2008 at 1:03 pm

    Unkle Lancifer: Alanis, eh*? You know me too well! I used to work on my school newspaper, and I made it my mission in life to remind everybody of her first musical career just after she had released Jagged Little Pill, and everybody was talking about what an angst-ridden bad ass she was. Also, I wanted to make sure people knew that those edgy “go down on you in a theatre” lyrics were about “Uncle Joey” Dave Coulier.

    * I added the “eh” in there for a little extra Canadian flair. Real Canadians don’t actually say it very much at all. Or, do they?…

  • 7 aunt johnNo Gravatar // Jul 21, 2008 at 1:23 pm

    Where is the love for ANNE MURRAY?

  • 8 sbdNo Gravatar // Jul 21, 2008 at 4:10 pm

    “I cried a tear – you wiped it dry.  I was confused – you cleared my mind.”  Wait, what am I doing in this barrel of herring!?!

  • 9 Adam RossNo Gravatar // Jul 21, 2008 at 5:30 pm

    Fear not, ye untraumatized: the “Solution” is on Google Video! I love this movie, used to be on HBO quite a bit. What scared me the most about this movie is that it was popular in the heyday of 80s kidnapping paranoia, and I hadn’t considered the horror of being abducted by someone with a French accent.

  • 10 mrcanacornNo Gravatar // Jul 22, 2008 at 7:59 am

    Damn you Netflix…well, I guess it’s not their fault I can’t get my hands on this one.

    Oh, thanks for sharing all the wonderfully insane Celine songs….what’s up with her?

  • 11 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Jul 23, 2008 at 10:46 am

    Oh yeah…Im not even GONNA visit NETFLIX on this on this one…I know nobody has this on DVD cuz I have been looking for literally YEARS. This is one of those movies everyone talks about having seen as a kid and they can never remember the title. I never saw the movie myself, but after years of hearing e-pals talk about it I am so very very curious.

    CELINE DION?????  REALLY?????????

  • 12 kapustoadNo Gravatar // Mar 24, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    Good god- I haven’t seen this movie since I was a kid. You’re right Mamamia- I could not remember what it was called. I was starting to think that I had imagined it! Sooooo trippy- in one part his friend’s pubes grow down his pant legs and over his sneakers. I kid you not.

  • 13 onlychild1213No Gravatar // Jul 30, 2010 at 11:29 am

    I did see this one, and I did remember the title. Wasn’t generally traumatized, beyond perhaps a slight feeling of unease,  but there was one image… I believe the artist dad was trying to help his son look on the bright side after he’d lost his hair and did a portrait of him, newly bald, entitled “Bald is Beautiful”… that image was haunting to me and drifts into my mind to this day. I remember having a hell of hard time sleeping that night and my mom having to draw out of me what the trouble was. When I finally, grudgingly, told her (“Uhh… remember that part when…”) she said it had bothered her, too!

    p.s. There is no need to post that painting here. None. Thanks! 🙂

  • 14 shadow0000No Gravatar // Oct 5, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    Have to say that I thought of this movie the other day and thought maybe I could get a copy of it from somewhere and guess what Youtube has the entire movie available. So watched it and then showed the kids so for all you that want to watch it and can’t find it look on youtube.

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