Author: unkle lancifer
Sunday Streaming:: The Last Slumber Party (1988)
Today was made for watching something terrible and movies don't get much more terrible than 1988's heavy metal dipped, killer-in-scrubs slash-a-thon THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY. It's easy to confuse this title with any number of SLUMBER PARTY and/or SORRORITY HOUSE flicks but trust me, this one is in a class all by itself and it should stay in a class all by itself until it is properly vaccinated.
What can I say? Atrocious movies are an important part of my horror diet! I've got news for anyone who thinks that crappy horror movies are a modern scourge: the truth is the ratio of good to bad has always been wildly uneven. But hey, if you are too thin skinned to withstand mind-numbing artlessness and soul stomping banality you have no business scouring the halls of horror with the serious adventurers. Personally I learned early on renting from video stores that for every MANIAC there were a dozen SCHIZOIDs and for each well built HOUSE there were blocks of BLOOD SHACKs. It's O.K. though because the bad movies make the good movies shine all the brighter. To fully appreciate PROM NIGHT you just have to endure GRADUATION DAY and taking a long walk across a parching BLOOD BEACH only makes the menthol coolness of THE FOG that much more of a relief.
Anyway, back to the garbage heap that is THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY… I advise all who attempt a watch it to first place a nice comfy pillow on the ground so that your jaw has a comfortable space to land when it inevitably drops. Now, I've always hated the cliché of complaining that characters in a horror movie are so unlikable that you can't wait for them to die (because really you shouldn't have to like a person to not want them to die) but in this case, the sentiment is on the nose apropos. As if TLSP didn't have enough going against it with every possible factor of it being substandard, every person, including the final girl we're meant to route for, behaves like a perpetually obnoxious cretin. At the risk of being labeled too PC, I'm going to admit that I can imagine a couple thousand things more endearing than the male lead calling his girlfriend a stupid bitch every chance he gets and she countering with every derogatory homophobic slur under the sun. Seriously, the dialogue is so gay-bashy, it could have very well been written by my sociopathic older brother when he was 14, a severely brain damaged bigot or an uncredited ELI ROTH.
Not that tellingly repetitive slang is anywhere near being TLSP's greatest offense by a long shot. It's actually way more insulting towards the art of film, the discipline of screenwriting, the medical profession, the orange juice industry, XANADU fans, TOM SELLECK's mustache, the entire state of Louisiana and whoever invented the ladder. It's so bad I'm trying to figure out a way to trick Aunt John into watching it for more than ten minutes even though I know he'll tap out at five. It's so bad that I'm passing it on to you like a hot potato covered in cooties. Listen, I wouldn't even post about this if it was your standard static wall of boring ineptitude, the truth is this flick is pretty remarkable in its ability to consistently deliver things to shake your head at and be appalled by throughout its entire runtime. So enjoy! Or maybe just endure.
Name That Trauma:: Kevin's Girlfriend on an Outdoor Hammer Murder
Hello, this is Kevin from HouseofMysteriousSecrets.com; my girlfriend is trying to track down the title of a movie she saw when she was a young teen. Below is her memory of it, do you think your team of experts might be able to figure out what this one is? Thanks!!!
Okay, so the one memory I have from a movie I cannot identify is something I saw on VHS when I was about nine years old. I probably only saw ten minutes before my mom flipped out and we went to bed. It was a man being beaten to death with a hammer. The killer was a fully visible older male (not a faceless stone cold killer). He was verbally mocking his victim while he was trying to run away. The setting was outside. I think in the scene they show them exiting a house into a back yard (?). The kill happens outdoors in daylight. I remember it being ultra violent compared to anything else I had seen at the time. It is very possible they showed the hammer to head impact. It was super low budget and grainy. Could be 80's but it didn't look like typical 80's slasher style, more exploitation gore. It was a memory that stuck with me because it was one of the first times after I started watching horror that I actually closed my eyes and had not wanted to watch. Also the fact that my mom was so upset by it.
Hmm… since I was nine years old and only watched ten minutes it isn't a very clear memory, many details could be inaccurate. If I get at least one significant detail correct someone might be able to figure out the movie based on that… if they take into consideration that my memory might be off or blended with a memory of another movie I had seen. I felt like there was some obvious exploitation element to it… like the killer was a preacher or the guy he killed was mentally challenged or something super disturbing.
A few years ago I had come across the film on youtube in a gore compilation video. Somehow I managed to lose the title of it. I remember it having a striking title that I would probably recognize if I came across it again (perhaps multiple word title). Also in my research of the film I found that it had a small fan base and at the time they were excited that there was word about it getting a DVD release; I'm uncertain if this ever happened. It also seemed that rest of the film was a pretty extreme gorefest so the film may be know for it's low budget practical efx. I since spent hours on youtube trying to locate clips and doing google searches and I have not yet been able to identify. Most likely this film is underground and very obscure. Hope someone can help. I'd be very impressed and curious to see how much of my description is accurate.
Sunday Streaming:: One Dark Night (1982)
You'll never catch me disparaging PG-rated horror films because that would be like slapping good ol' ONE DARK NIGHT (1982) right in the kisser and I would never do that because I have to live with myself. ONE DARK NIGHT is one of the first horror movies that this once budding fright fan got to see in an actual theater rather than on TV and so it holds a special place in my mausoleum of a heart. I remember being grateful for its less restrictive rating because it meant that I could check it out without the worry of being humiliatingly dejected at the door to the delight of my scowling, satin-jacket clad, toothbrush-gnawing peers.
As it turned out, I totally related to the teenage shenanigans on screen; I found it truly suspenseful and could not get enough of the morbid special effects. I can think of a zillion R-rated horror flicks that are not nearly as creative or engaging. Director TOM McLOUGHLIN went on to direct one of the best FRIDAY THE 13TH installments (PART IV: JASON LIVES), star MEG TILLY went on to the excellent PSYCHO II, scene stealer ELIZABETH DAILY went on to steal PEE WEE HERMAN's heart and sing the greatest song ever, "Mind Over Matter" and I went on to write this old review HERE. ONE DARK NIGHT is currently unavailable on DVD so don't be left out, watch it below…
DVD Review:: Water Monsters (Featuring She Creature!)
Remember back in the good old days (three months ago) when I was all inordinately excited about a cheap-o DVD set that included the sadly underappreciated killer bat flick NIGHTWING? Those were good times. Who can blame me for trying to recapture that feeling of fleeting contentment by snagging yet another modestly priced four-movie collection from the fine folks at MILL CREEK entertainment called WATER MONSTERS!?
Yay WATER MONSTERS! It's not news that I love monsters and don't even get me started on water! I don't mean to go overboard but I sometimes think I couldn't live without that stuff! Let's say we take a closer look at this gift from God that you can probably find at your local Best Buy or Target or K-Mart or what have you. Maybe even Caldor? Does Caldor still exist? Come to think of it, one of the reasons I like these sets is that they remind me of the bins of mass-produced VHS tapes that they used to have at the center city Woolworths here in Philly back in the early nineties. That probably shouldn't be a fond memory on account of that is how I was exposed to the abominations NUKIE and BOOGEYMAN 2 but fond it is.
Let's talk picture quality. All four movies in this set are on one disc. They all look fine for casual viewing. If you pause them you'll notice some sketchiness but it's not all that bad. I'll be honest with you; I'm not the biggest stickler about such things. In fact, I ended up not being very interested in Blu-rays at all. I figure as long as I have visual masterpieces like BLADE RUNNER, ALIEN, THE THING and maybe THE FUNHOUSE on Blu that's enough. In all other cases, my Playstation 3 upconverts garden variety DVDs just fine for me. Also, and I may be insane here, but HD has a glassy, synthetic quality to it that reads a bit sickly to me whereas your standard DVD is all warm and toasty and snuggly like a carpeted den. I don't know, maybe I'm bonkers. In any case, I'm more about filling the holes in my DVD collection than needlessly upgrading that which I already own. I guess I've got agreeable peepers is all (I also ate a filet-o-fish sandwich today so maybe I'm just hopelessly lowbrow). Moving on…
ANACONDA (1997)
Aw, look the first movie is ANACONDA! Cool! You know, some people like to dismiss this flick because it's called ANACAONDA and it concerns at least one ANACONDA but I've always enjoyed it and back in 1997, it was a wonderful B-movie throwback when there weren't that many to be found. It really owes a lot to those beloved seventies-era disaster flicks with its extensive multigenerational cast and deliberate build-up. It's got an agreeable epic journey vibe and I have to say the jungle location is actually convincingly oppressive. Yeah, yeah the CGI is dated but they don't really take on anything too complicated and there's a fair share of practical effects too. It's simply a fun movie and JON VOIGHT's off-the-rails performance alone makes it worthwhile. The weird thing is how likable and down to Earth JENNIFER LOPEZ is. This movie is so old it's from before she became a phony-baloney media gadfly.
BLACK WATER (2007)
I just realized I'm senile and the undeniable proof is that this movie that came out eight years ago, is in my mind, a recent release. Oh well, I certainly don't mind having a hard copy of this effective Australian killer croc picture one bit. I'm not quite in the mood for a re-watch just yet, but the urge is bound to strike me one day in my limited future. Check me out unabashedly batting my eyelashes at this unassuming gem in a full review way back HERE.
RED WATER (2003)
This, I'd say is the lone dud of the pack. There isn't a whole lot to differentiate it from any other made for TV shark movie you might bump into. On the plus side, LOU DIAMOND PHILIPS and KRISTY SWANSON are present, so that might be fun if you don't get depressed thinking about how likely they're wishing they were anywhere else. I guess this one is good for people who don't get the SyFy channel and want to pretend they do for an hour and a half.
SHE CREATURE (2001)
This is the one that sealed the deal for me. SHE CREATURE (listed on IMDb as MERMAID CHRONICLES PART 1: SHE CREATURE) was the first (and as I recall, the best and possibly the only worthwhile installment) of a CINEMAX series known as CREATURE FEATURES which consisted of original films inspired by preexisting AIP (American International Pictures) movie titles. It stars RUFUS SEWELL and CARLA "The lone member of TROOP BEVERLY HILLS who starred in a #1 movie the summer of 2015" GUGINO as an easy to look at carnie couple who kidnap and plan to exploit a mermaid who is far more formidable (and sympathetic) than she originally appears.
The late great STAN WINSTON supplies the flick's super slick monster effects and the whole deal seeps with a dank, waterlogged atmosphere. In fact, in my mind this is a suitable companion piece to the brilliantly briny DAGON of the same year. Everything about it is enjoyably old school right down to a Matte painting establishing shot of a seaside mansion (that I'm guessing was lifted from a classic AIP flick. Does anybody recognize it above?). Did I mention it takes place for the most part on a boat? Who in the world can resist boat horror? Oh, and the multitalented COLLEEN CAMP is a producer! I have to give COLLEEN a high five…
So there you have it. What a deal! This cornucopia of slippery sharp-toothed water mongrels can be yours for cheaper than a bottle of Perrier. Moreover, and I swear I do not work for MILL CREEK, I just found out they have a new batch of affordable sets including a HAMMER FILMS COLLECTION featuring the used to be impossible to score SCREAM OF FEAR (!!!) and a WILLIAM CASTLE COLLECTION with HOMICIDAL, and even the elusive THE OLD DARK HOUSE remake among other classics! That's some slobber worthy cinema that won't leave your poor wallet feeling defiled!
Sunday Streaming :: Night of the Creeps (1986)
I gotta get out of the house today because I forget what the sun looks like (a shiny moon?) but don't worry, I wouldn't leave you fine folks with nothing to watch on a Sunday! Today I thought we'd take a break from HULU and give some other joker a chance and so today's entertainment bounty comes from an online joint called CRACKLE. The best horror movie those folks are offering is undoubtably NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. I'm old enough to remember when nobody gave a flying fig about this wonderful piece of art but it has grown to become a beloved cult classic and that makes me proud for the little guy! Read my musty review HERE and my dusty DVD review HERE and check the flick out HERE if you enjoy enjoyment.
Happy 4th of July!
Happy 4th of July to all! What a nice day to enjoy an apocalypse trilogy! I suggest PRINCE OF DARKNESS to represent strawberry red, THE THING to represent cool whip white and IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS to signify blueberry blue on this devastating decimation dessert! Now remember, if all this maddening cosmic weirdness concerning man's meaningless position in the universe starts to get to you, you can always switch to a non-apocalypse trilogy movie about soothing present day reality like say, THEY LIVE. Have fun, eat a hot dog and always remember, safety first when it comes to fireworks. My motto is, if dogs don't like them, than neither do I.
