kindertrauma random header image

Sunday Streaming:: The Last Slumber Party (1988)

July 19th, 2015 by unkle lancifer · 2 Comments

Today was made for watching something terrible and movies don’t get much more terrible than 1988’s heavy metal dipped, killer-in-scrubs slash-a-thon THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY. It’s easy to confuse this title with any number of SLUMBER PARTY and/or SORRORITY HOUSE flicks but trust me, this one is in a class all by itself and it should stay in a class all by itself until it is properly vaccinated.

What can I say? Atrocious movies are an important part of my horror diet! I’ve got news for anyone who thinks that crappy horror movies are a modern scourge: the truth is the ratio of good to bad has always been wildly uneven. But hey, if you are too thin skinned to withstand mind-numbing artlessness and soul stomping banality you have no business scouring the halls of horror with the serious adventurers. Personally I learned early on renting from video stores that for every MANIAC there were a dozen SCHIZOIDs and for each well built HOUSE there were blocks of BLOOD SHACKs. It’s O.K. though because the bad movies make the good movies shine all the brighter. To fully appreciate PROM NIGHT you just have to endure GRADUATION DAY and taking a long walk across a parching BLOOD BEACH only makes the menthol coolness of THE FOG that much more of a relief.

Anyway, back to the garbage heap that is THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY… I advise all who attempt a watch it to first place a nice comfy pillow on the ground so that your jaw has a comfortable space to land when it inevitably drops. Now, I’ve always hated the cliché of complaining that characters in a horror movie are so unlikable that you can’t wait for them to die (because really you shouldn’t have to like a person to not want them to die) but in this case, the sentiment is on the nose apropos. As if TLSP didn’t have enough going against it with every possible factor of it being substandard, every person, including the final girl we’re meant to route for, behaves like a perpetually obnoxious cretin. At the risk of being labeled too PC, I’m going to admit that I can imagine a couple thousand things more endearing than the male lead calling his girlfriend a stupid bitch every chance he gets and she countering with every derogatory homophobic slur under the sun. Seriously, the dialogue is so gay-bashy, it could have very well been written by my sociopathic older brother when he was 14, a severely brain damaged bigot or an uncredited ELI ROTH.

Not that tellingly repetitive slang is anywhere near being TLSP’s greatest offense by a long shot. It’s actually way more insulting towards the art of film, the discipline of screenwriting, the medical profession, the orange juice industry, XANADU fans, TOM SELLECK‘s mustache, the entire state of Louisiana and whoever invented the ladder. It’s so bad I’m trying to figure out a way to trick Aunt John into watching it for more than ten minutes even though I know he’ll tap out at five. It’s so bad that I’m passing it on to you like a hot potato covered in cooties. Listen, I wouldn’t even post about this if it was your standard static wall of boring ineptitude, the truth is this flick is pretty remarkable in its ability to consistently deliver things to shake your head at and be appalled by throughout its entire runtime. So enjoy! Or maybe just endure.

Tags: Stream Warriors · Streaming Alert! · Sunday Streaming




2 responses so far ↓

  • 1 johnnyblackoutNo Gravatar // Jul 19, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    Oh god, I actually watched this at a slumber party (guys call ’em sleepovers). I think I was 12. We rented it from the local video store (which I wound up being employed at for six years). I think it was this flick, Cheerleader Camp, and Gates of Hell we rented that night. Anyway, the movie is god-awful. It’s obvious the blood is coming from the scalpel like some kind of gore water-gun. I swear this was shot on VHS. But the funniest thing about this movie is the metal/rock songs done by a band (check the end credits) called Firestrykke. It gets points from me just for that awesome metal band name.

  • 2 johnnyblackoutNo Gravatar // Jul 19, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    Actually, I think guys called ‘slumber parties’: ‘stay awakes’. (that’s a movie too). We were too young to drink, and not popular enough to get girls, so we got sleeping bags, crashed in the living room, and watched terrible horror movies. Mainlining Pepsi and Doritos made the movies more fun than they really were. Check out a movie called ‘The Stay Awake’. It’s super-obscure. Slumber party movies is a definite sub-genre.

You must log in with your Kindertrauma account to post a comment: