Author: unkle lancifer
Traumafessions :: Unk on The Little Drummer Boy
A ways back we received a traumafession regarding THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY (HERE)- specifically about the scene where the title character witnesses the horrific murder of his parents. Although personally my heart was filing its nails during that incident, it did break into a zillion Legos during a scene that occurs later in the program.
I am talking about the moment that Baba the lamb is run over by a chariot. I think it may be the worst thing that ever happened in the history of ever and even thinking about it now makes me want throw my computer out the window and scream to the heavens like WESLEY SNIPES in JUNGLE FEVER. To me, Baba's death was more tragic than a 1,000 Bambi's moms. Have you ever seen that Baba guy? He is adorable. Especially when he is dancing around on his little hind lamby legs. Naturally, I'd rather throw myself into a volcano than see something bad happen to Baba.
When you are a kid the time period between when Baba gets plowed down and the point where he is miraculously brought back to life lasts eons. In reality, it takes less than five minutes for the little baby Jesus to conclude that the kid's drum playing (and heart) are decent enough to splash some resurrection mojo on his poor dead friend.
For some reason the Bible neglects to include the story of THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY and I'm guessing it's because the song it's based on didn't exist until 1941. I suppose that will do for an excuse. They should really add it though because it's got most Bible stories beat because it can't be misinterpreted to spread evil and it doesn't talk smack about delicious shellfish.
THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY ends with the very clear statement that hate, ALL hate, is and always will be wrong. I like when stories cut to the chase and don't include a bunch of random rules and sloppy propaganda. In the end the Little Drummer Boy and I are so psyched that Baba is alive that we both can't help dumping our free-floating elephantine hatred of all things human. Well, most of it anyway, I still wouldn't mind seeing that chariot driver dragged into the middle of town and his smug puppet head sliced off with a rusty scythe. Careful driving this Christmas Eve kids and hold on tight to your lambs!
Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
When I was a very little kid, I stole a pack of Dentyne gum from the grocery store. It was so easy- I just put it in my pocket as my Mother was purchasing groceries. The act itself was thrilling. I could not believe that I could think of something like that, do it and then bask in the rewards. I was interacting with the world and I existed. Hubris was destined to trip me up though. I shared my accomplishment with my older brother and after enjoying some of my gum and throwing the wrappers into a bush, my brother promptly snitched (Life lesson #1: Happiness lasts longer when not shared with others.)
So now I was in trouble, big trouble. I had to wait in the stairwell as my mother spun the punishment wheel in her head and determined my fate. As I stood in the hall crying and praying for the power to turn back time (Life Lesson #2: No amount of praying will result in God granting you magical powers) the two cops from ADAM-12 (MARTIN MILNER & KENT McCORD) came into the kitchen and began to discuss my fate with my mother. I saw them and I heard them, I swear. I was trapped in a whirlwind of guilt and horror; I was obviously going to be arrested and sent to jail. I wasn't a "good" guy, I was a "bad" guy! Oh, the shame!
Time would reveal that no, the ADAM 12 guys were not in my home at all. I had just had, you know, a visual and audio hallucination of some sort. I guess my brain was not formed enough yet to draw the lines between my imagination and reality (this would also explain the night that I saw the Easter Bunny in the living room.) I bring up this story because while watching the Finnish film RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE some invisible elf in my head dragged it out of storage and shoved it center stage. The movie may look like a killer Santa flick but in reality, it's more about being a kid, and finding a way to overcome feelings of being "bad" while gaining some confidence about your abilities and position in the world. If you watch this one expecting gore, explosive action and big scares, you might feel shortchanged so I'm saying don't do that.
RARE EXPORTS introduces us to a kid named Pietari who has gone and done something worse than stealing Dentyne. He and a friend, while snooping around an excavation, left a hole in the fence that contains his father's reindeer herd and now something has obliterated his family's livelihood. Pietari's guilt cannot be contained and even though he has been sworn to secrecy about the incident, he knows that Santa sees all and will punish him severely. This is made even clearer as all the local kids about town begin to disappear. Pietari's father captures an elderly man who he thinks may be responsible for their predicament but Pietari is convinced that the creepy guy is all-knowing Santa himself. The truth is actually stranger and more fantastic than Pietari can imagine so I won't ruin it here.
This is a highly original film that plays with your expectations and stokes your imagination at every turn. If you a looking for a different type of holiday viewing experience then this is it. It hits a very unusual and singular note by being much darker and creepier than your standard family Christmas movie and yet much more whimsical, nostalgic and ultimately uplifting (literally in one scene) than your usual Christmas horror fare. Director JALMARI HELANDER is compared to SPIELBERG, JEUNET and DANTE in blurbs on the back of the DVD and I can see that, but with the frozen landscape, zero female presence and block of ice excavation, I was thinking hey this is like a kid's version of THE THING! Okay, well, maybe that doesn't fit exactly but you know how my brain works. In any case, RARE EXPORTS is a great addition to my pile of required Christmas holiday viewing. Really the only thing that it is missing is a cameo from the guys from ADAM-12.
"The Present" (2005)
I had awful dreams last night and I blame the segment "The Present" from KAZUO UMEZ'S HORROR THEATER VOL 3. directed by YUDAI YAMAGUCHI (VERSUS, BATTLEFIELD BASEBALL.) "The Present" is a Japanese killer Santa story based on an influential manga. Honestly, I don't know much about mangas but if anything involves a killer Santa, I want to know about it and I want it to be a part of my life. "The Present" opens with a little girl named Yuko having an awful dream herself. It's Christmas night and her parents console her by informing her that as long as she is good, she has nothing to worry about and Santa will protect her from harm. If she's bad though, she is screwed!
Flash-forward into the future and Yuko is now a young adult. She appears to be a bit of a wallflower compared to her friends but she agrees to travel with a group to a hotel to celebrate Christmas. Arriving at the hotel, she begins to stumble across crap featured in her childhood nightmare. In fact, the hotel room she stays in is decorated with assorted objects from her youth. Yuko is not feeling it and wants to go home but her friends convince her to stay and then her boyfriend convinces her to have sex. Apparently having sex on Christmas angers Santa and now Yuko and all her pals have to be butchered and fed to the reindeer. Wow, Yuko's parents were not kidding.
"The Present" is doused in off-putting colors and heavily utilizes disorienting angles and flash cuts. It's made even more surreal by the fact that it is filmed on some kind of HD video that reminds me of DR. WHO. There's plenty of blood and gore running through this simple vignette, but the real creeps are the result of the psycho-moralistic undercurrent. It's kind of like being stuck in one of those Christian haunted houses that tries to scare the sin out of you. I can't say crazy Santa is completely effective either. He's got a very impressive throwing star on a chain which he uses to yank off assorted limbs, but for some reason he can't be bothered to deliver a proper scowl. Maybe this dude looks scary in Japan, but to me he looks like a bored delivery guy.
Assuming that nobody will ever watch this, I'm going get spoiler-y. As if the character of Yuko had not been disparaged enough, we come to find out that she was never the innocent we knew and was just pretending to be "pure" as a way to manipulate those around her. It turns out she doesn't like Christmas, does not want to spend Christmas with her parents, smokes cigarettes and sneakily smiles to herself when she's pretending to be coy. Personally I'm still not convinced that she deserves to have her brains scooped out but hey, I'm a liberal. It's not surprising that the movie ends up being the dream that young Yuko had at the start. What is surprising is that young Yuko takes credit for squashing the brain of the "bad" future Yuko who is yet to be and that her parents rejoice in the fact that she will always be "gentle".
Well, I'm happy I checked this one out even though I think it's crazy making and causes bad dreams. "The Present" is so dogmatic that it ends up revealing the most horrible side of Santa I've ever seen. Turns out he is just a tool to scare and bribe kids into listening to their parents and submiting to their bourgeois values. Who knew?
Black Christmas (2006)
I'm weirdly proud of my Christmas horror movie collection. Every December I drag out the same rag-tag pile of VHS and DVDs and decorate the house by lining them up on a shelf. When I first viewed 2006's BLACK CHRISTMAS, I felt only disappointment and frustration. They got the whole thing wrong, I thought and what a sack of horrible choices and bad ideas. I never really expected the remake to hold a candle to the original but with the director of the underrated WILLARD remake (GLEN MORGAN) cracking the whip, I saw no reason why it couldn't be passable entertainment. Completist that I am, I ended up buying the DVD anyway at a used joint four years ago for four dollars (the price sticker is still on it!) and much to my embarrassment and chagrin, I have witnessed it evolve over the past couple of years into a guilt inspiring holiday staple for me. Honestly and perhaps sadly, as I write this, I cannot wait for this year's secret eggnog-soaked rendezvous with the film.
Don't cry, I'm not going to try to sell you on the idea that this is a good film. It's crushingly convoluted, it makes little logical sense, it's lethally disorganized and it's about as scary as a kitten crawling out of a stocking. Even so, it's hardly an amateurish effort in the technical department. The cinematography is sharp, sometimes glowingly gorgeous and the snowed-in claustrophobic set-up along with the late SHIRLEY WALKER's sometimes jingly, sometimes ominous score does create a snug little nest of freaky holiday ambience. I know that sounds like cold comfort when you are dealing with a movie that insults your intelligence by throwing snowballs of nonsense at your head on a regular basis, but a movie like this needn't be taken so seriously.
It's true, I have decided to officially pardon this ill-conceived mutation based on two reasons. First, regardless of how much of a failure BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06) may be, it is still a Christmas-themed horror movie and therefore deserves some leeway. When held up against the original it does look buffoonish, but amongst a mini subgenre which includes SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT!, ELVES and DON'T OPEN ‘TIL CHRISTMAS, it's hardly the runt of the litter. Fact is, with the exception of BOB CLARK's classic and a precious few others, Christmas horror movies have a tendency to be a bit dopey. It's an important part of their tacky appeal. Secondly, like many other movies that juxtapose the shmaltziest holiday with rampant depravity, I believe BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06) operates as and can be considered complete and utter camp. I don't throw out that word lightly but it's unavoidable here. Appearing in cartoon form on THE SIMPSONS, JOHN WATERS once identified camp as, "Anything ludicrously tragic or tragically ludicrous" and that fits this flick like a mitten.
Tone-deaf BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06) has much more than just its holiday setting shoving it into the territory of camp. It's visually excessive (so many wild garish blinking colors!), it randomly churns out treacly tunes, it's shamelessly histrionic in places and it centers about a nearly indistinguishable cast of nasal, cell phone stroking, self-proclaimed "spoiled bitch" sorority sisters, a house mother played by a comedienne of a certain age, a long lost sister portrayed by the director's fierce husky voiced, playing for the balcony wife and not one, but two ill-conceived not very threatening killers; one with yellow (really chartreuse) skin and the other a very unconvincing dude in drag. If this is not a smoking smorgasbord of clueless camp, I don't know what is. Furthermore and importantly, as cartoon-y and broad as all of this is, the kills, acted out by lame maniacs or not, are surprisingly mean spirited and extravagantly vicious (at least in the unrated version).
To fully appreciate the depth of the bungle you have to examine the DVD's special features. It is there that you will find that all involved were sincere and unaware of what they were constructing. If we were talking about a knowing parody that would be something else altogether but BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06) is straight faced and on the level. Its unbelievably burlesque back story is designed to be taken seriously as is the film's constant drum banging to alert us of its heavy handed "family bonds" theme. I don't mean to mock the efforts of those involved, I'm just pointing out that this level of delusion is imperative when creating a worthwhile mess. There's nothing worse than a knowingly ironic, consciously camp film and this clearly is not one. This is uncalculated camp- the best kind. The sad thing is, if you ripped out the preposterous killers and added some patient down time with the victims things would be merry.
It is with the above reasoning and the honest assessment of my private viewing habits that I have come to the conclusion that I like and am in no way angry with BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06). Being angry at BLACK CHRISTMAS (‘06) would be like being mad at a hot dog for not being a Dachshund. Unlike other remake disasters, this exaggerated misfire, if you have a sense of humor about it, will provide a howl of a good time particularly in the month of December, when the days grow shorter and the whiskey bottle grows emptier.
As I said, I'm not trying to convince anyone to enjoy this fiasco too. It's just that for me, regardless of the film's misguided nature, the end result delivers the type of somewhat silly somewhat nasty entertainment that I once spent a lot of time trying to track down on VHS. I'd love to continue carrying the torch of the outraged fanboy who feels unreasonably violated but I can't. (Henceforth I will simply reserve my righteous indignation for the soul sucking FOG remake. ) This movie may be goofy but it's got multiple impalement deaths and it churns out dense and hokey CHRISTMAS atmosphere non-stop. Yes, the story is full of holes and kind of blows but it's a good looking film that features wonderfully unlikable, sassy, up and comers whose deaths you can happily route for. I know it's not very dignified but I'd rather be accused of bad taste then be a hypocrite. It's trash like this that makes better horror films so worth the wait. I'm too old to afford to sit around a couple decades for the sardonic appreciation of this movie to become en vogue and so here I am opening up this present to myself early.
Mickster's Holiday Funhouse!
UNK SEZ: Christmas is right around the corner and the kindertrauma Castle is still not fully decorated. I'm off to see how many blinking lights I can buy with a dollar seventy five. Thankfully our Good pal Mickster has graciously volunteered to host today's festivities. Mickster has selected ten images from ten non-horror holiday films for you all. How many can you identify? Good Luck!
Dante Tomaselli's Top Ten Horror Scores
UNK SEZ: You guys remember our pal the multi talented DANTE TOMASELLI (Interview HERE). Well, DANTE has just concluded scoring his latest film TORTURE CHAMBER so I asked him what movie scores were his favorites and influenced him the most. Below are his favorite top ten scores alongside some fresh images from his forthcoming film (Check out the official site HERE)! Thanks for sharing this with us Dante, You've got great taste!
1.) HALLOWEEN
I experienced Halloween in theatres at my birthday party in 1979. I just turned 10. My childhood friends were petrified and some of are still traumatized. It's hard to describe the impact of this movie to the younger generation because you really had to experience Halloween in theatres. It had a ferocious grip on audiences. I haven't seen anything match its power. To this day, most critics and fans declare Halloween the ultimate horror film and I wholeheartedly agree. The music is 50% of the film's equation. Halloween's heart-pounding, anxiety-inducing theme is so powerful. It's become the anthem for classic horror films, and definitely something you can't escape around October. I can't escape it. It's been the ringtone on my phone for years. Analogue synthesizer music was popular during the 60's and 70's in sci-fi and horror films but Halloween took that kind of sound design to a whole new level. This is a landmark horror soundtrack. Flickering and glowing like a devilish jack-o-lantern, the music is sinister and playfully evil. I'm forever influenced by this motion picture and its soundtrack. Thank you, John Carpenter.
2.) SUSPIRIA
I saw this film in my late twenties, during post production of my first feature, Desecration. How did I not ever see it? I remember the commercial on TV when I was 7-years-old. There was a seductive woman brushing her hair…her back to the camera. We hear her child-like voice. Roses are red. Violets are blue…She's telling a poem. She swings around. Her face is a skull. Then a man's voice says, 'You can run from Suspiria…but you cannot escape…Suspiria.' It was a whispery, evil voice…S-U-S-P-I-R-I-A. Somehow, where I lived in New Jersey, Suspiria wasn't distributed. Eventually, though, I do remember seeing the title in video stores, and oddly ignoring it. I guess I was in my own fog at the time. When I finally watched the film, I felt like it was a religious experience. The same feeling I got while watching The House with Laughing Windows. It's the kind of movie that must be properly viewed at night, in darkness, in stereo. Any other way diminishes it. The music by Goblin is so dense and multi-layered. Synthesizers, rhythm guitars, real instruments, all kinds of drums. You can get lost in its labyrinth design. Especially the beginning of the Suspiria theme. It starts off with a child's lullaby, actually beautiful and soft but then these obscene whispers crash in and the drum beats more insistent.
3.) THE FOG
My mother and I saw The Fog in theatres in 1980. I was 10. We were already fans of Carpenter's Halloween. The theatre was called Totowa Cinema on Route 46 in Totowa, New Jersey. My father owned a Jewelry and Bridal Store in the mall where the movie played. I remember my mother was slightly disappointed by The Fog, I guess because she was comparing it to Halloween, but I absolutely loved the film. Everything about it. I was electrified. I was completely obsessed with the images and sounds and murky ghost storyline. The Fog. I'd illustrate the title, in its own special font on my grammar school notebooks. I always loved typography. The music in this film totally jumped out at me…just like Halloween…and there's a mysterious knocking at the door. TAP. TAP. TAP. TAP. I used to mimic that all the time on different doors….There was a wood burning stove in our garage and I used the stoker to strike the door, pretending I was one of the ghouls. Around this time, I played an electronic organ. I'd sit home and fantasize. Low tones. Also, I played the pounding beat on electronic drums in my basement. I'd pound the drums, in a trance, over and over. It's that section of the film where the fog is chasing everyone through the streets. Ahhhh. I love that. Nothing beats the Moog synthesizer analogue soundscape. It just pushes my button. When I purchased the soundtrack to The Fog I listened to it non-stop. You get the feeling that something is chasing you…and it's coming closer and closer….The film has state-of-the-art moody electronic sound design.
4.) HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH
It was 1982. I was 12 and I couldn't wait for its release. The commercials on TV were striking with a spider crawling out of an old hag's mouth accompanied by nightmarish music. I was so excited. The Night No one Comes Home. Perfect tag line. Then I saw the film. I already read the tie-in book, so I knew what to expect…Robots. I liked the film but didn't love it. Still, I admired its fresh approach and loved its Dean Cundey widescreen cinematography. Mostly, mainly, I was ecstatic about the music. What perfect electronic horror music! I bought the album and listened to it endlessly. I still do. While nothing beats the theme to the original, overall as an album, this is definitely a better listening experience…and with the widest selection of doom-laced worlds. To me, it sounds like it would be a very dark solo album from Greg Hawkes, the imaginative keyboardist from The Cars. For example, Drive to Santa Mira…it has the distinct John Carpenter low toned vibe while incorporating a new dreamy organ with lots of reverb. Every single track stands out as an example of haunting mood music. John Carpenter and Alan Howarth created magic here. This is synth horror heaven and should probably be number one on my list. I could just listen to Halloween 3: Season of the Witch until the end of time.
5.) SOUNDS TO MAKE YOU SHIVER
This is actually not a movie but a horror sound fx album. It was played around Halloween in the 70's and 80's…and in many different funhouses as background music. Halloween was every day for me, so I'd listen to Sounds to Make You Shiver all the time, especially from 1st to 6th grade. The album consists mainly of moans and screams and thunderstorms. First we hear a woman groaning in pain and a man sadistically laughing with a chain clanging in the background. You feel like you're in a dungeon. I got lost in the howling wind and thunderstorms and creepy, thick atmospheres. In a trance, I would listen…My imagination lighting up. Side 2 has variations of screams, witches cackles, cats, growling dogs and more moody and violent storms. Midway through, the sounds morph into an ambient, almost experimental piece with dreamy piano, guitar and bells…mixed with echoed footsteps…and a chain dragging on a castle floor.
6.) THE SHINING
At times you can hear devils giggling. I used to scare my younger brother just by playing the music. This spine-tingling score by Wendy Carlos, a pioneer in electronic music, has an almost demonic power. I swear it's transmitted straight from hell. The opening theme is expertly constructed…so delicately woven…It's bone-chilling. Atmospheric, psychedelic, macabre and surreal…It floats on another plane. There is nothing like this Moog synthesizer music, it creates its own space. I love Wendy's score for A Clockwork Orange too. Her sound is so otherworldly….
7.) ALICE, SWEET ALICE
My cousin, Alfred Sole's film, doesn't have a soundtrack that's released and it should. Stephen Lawrence conjures one of the most dreamily sinister themes I've ever heard. I'm referring to the sparkling lullaby mixed with the menacing tones and breathy vocals. It's cold and sleek and evil as can be, just like the movie. The swirling violins are unnerving and in-your-face. I love all the small interludes with haunted piano and reverb. The opening titles music is surprisingly reserved and reminds me of a warped version of The Godfather. Very Italian…family tragedy….On the DVD copies, you can find a montage of the film's old stills…and the music playing over these images is the breathy, ice-cold theme to Alice, Sweet Alice…extended. I loop it over and over….
8.) SCANNERS
Howard Shore scored The Brood and Videodrome, also favorites. He's an expert in somber, deadly serious soundscapes. You don't just hear them, you feel them. The trancelike electronic music here is percolating, staccato, moaning in pain. He captures emotional violence. In fact, my first short film was called Emotional Violence. It got me into Pratt Institute, the film department. It was a non-linear montage about a suicidal girl with an abusive boyfriend and mother. My mother, an actress, played the mother. I had Scanners music throughout. How could I resist? I know I could never sell it. I can't find the film now.
9.) THE THING
This soundtrack reminds me of being in high school and listening to the cassette on my walkman. I'd get completely lost in this gorgeous, classy horror music. It's amazing how Ennio Morricone was channeling John Carpenter, intentionally or not. Sometimes it really sounds like him. I love Morricone's The Bird with the Crystal Plumage too. That should be on this top 10 list. The Thing's theme, with its pulsating electronic tone, is genuinely hypnotic. I can play it over and over and over. There's something off-kilter, almost avant garde in its repetitiveness. It's minimalist. But not all of the soundtrack is like that. There are violin compositions that are spacious, warm, lush and eerie. There are also some screeching violins that are all-out terrifying.
10.) CHRISTINE
Cold and pristine, John Carpenter's Christine score is embedded in my psyche. Just like the soundtracks to Halloween, Halloween 2, Halloween 3, The Fog and Prince of Darkness, Christine has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. A bit clipped, which makes for a jumpy listening experience. But it's not really meant to stand on its own, even though it does. John Carpenter is all about scoring to picture. It's thin and glacial and it works. The throbbing baritone employed throughout is pure old-school Carpenter. I love it. The scene where Arnie says, 'Show me' and that electronic bell pierces through the atmosphere…followed by the galloping low tone…cinematic magic. It takes my breath away and sometimes brings a tear to my eye. I'm in awe of the way the music changes the environment, how it completely elevates and transforms the scene. The chase compositions are melodic. There's that propulsive beat that feels like all early Carpenter themes wrapped into one.
Streaming Alert :: Christmas Horror
When it comes to delivering horror, in many ways, Christmas has Halloween beat. Halloween may come with all the obvious dark gruesome imagery but when all is said and done it usually only inspires creative, light-hearted fun. On the other hand Christmas marches with a "Be merry or else" goosestep, casting about insincere niceties while emptying out your wallet and stuffing your stockings with stress and anxiety. You don't hear about the suicide rate going through the roof in late October do you?
The best way to let off a little steam during the high pressure holiday season is by watching Christmas-themed horror movies. No matter how desperate your lot in life may be, it is pleasing to note that at least you are not being impaled on deer antlers like LINNEA QUIGLEY in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.
Tragically though, Netflix Streaming appears to not understand the necessity of Christmas horror films and their selection of said fare is horrendously devoid of the classics that we all know and love. But don't worry my kiddies as per usual your Unkle Lancifer has your back! I have put together a night of Netflix Streaming X-MAS horror just in case you need it. So double dose the rum in that eggnog and remember every time someone screams, an angel gets its wings!
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: SANTA CLAUSE
Let's start out with something terrible shall we? Are you all alone this year? Have you been rejected by your friends and family because your nose glows? Well who needs real human company when you have hosts Mike, Crow and Tom? They are happy to supply fellowship and snarky commentary without eating you out of house and home and asking you pesky questions about your personal life! In this episode of the long running series the gang takes a look-see at a craptacular Mexican holiday film involving an outer space Santa and his war with a pajama clad Satan. You all know whom I'm voting for!
DEAD END (2003)
A car trip to Grandma's house for Christmas morphs into a voyage into creepsville in this movie that I recommend often. (Review HERE) The ending reveal isn't exactly as original as a snow flake but the atmosphere is denser than a fruitcake and spending time with RAY WISE (TWIN PEAKS) and LIN SHAYE (INSIDIOUS) is more fun than hanging out with any relative you know.
SIX FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE: A CHRISTMAS TALE
Here I was all excited to recommend this segment of SIX FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE (Review HERE) involving a bunch of tykes who find a Lady Santa in a pit only to have her escape and try to kill them with an axe- when I discovered it's not available! That's right! Turns out only select episodes of SIX FILMS ETC. are available for streaming and this ain't one of them! Way to screw up my post Netflix! Ugh, for reasons unknown I try to help you out Netflix Streaming but you always do me wrong… Damn you, you fickle and ungrateful mistress! Eat a bag of coal.
HARDWARE
I'm not so easily foiled Netflix! I have a last minute substitution! I was just checking out our AVALANCHE OF CHRISTMAS HORROR! list from last year and noticed that kinderpal David Fullam suggested HARDWARE in the comments section. Yes, the robot head in HARDWARE was indeed a Christmas present and that particular movie is available on Netflix Streaming so there you go. Thanks DF, you saved my post!
SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT/ CHRISTMAS EVIL
If you should happen to not have Netflix Streaming there is no need to worry. Public Domain is here to save the day! If you are ever experiencing a Christmas horror movie deprivation emergency just break the glass that has MARY WORONOV and FIONA APPLE's dad behind it! I'm talking of course about SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT and the hilarious CHRISTMAS EVIL, both of which are at your disposal any time you like! Check out my full reviews HERE and HERE and ogle the full-length videos below. There's no reason why everyone can't have a scary Christmas!
Traumafessions :: Reader David O. on Miracles (and Maggots) Still Happen
I know you hear all the time about traumafessions that have been nagging people for years, and this is no different. I was ready to submit it as a "Name that Trauma" segment but blissfully found my answer and have been able to put 36 years of hunting behind me. Being a kid in the '70s, I was obsessed with all things Bigfoot and airplane disaster movies, so I remember being thrilled to find a repeat of a movie that was based on real-life events of a horrific plane crash with one lone survivor.
The film is called MIRACLES STILL HAPPEN (1975) and tells the tale of Juliane Koepcke who was the sole survivor of a plane crash in the Peruvian rainforest. It has the usual suspense and expected terror of your typical plane crash movie, but the real excitement starts when poor Juliane has to trudge through the jungle to find help. After 10 days of solitary drudgery she finally finds some loggers who help her and eventually get her to civilization.
Right when you think all is well and you can eat your peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the unthinkable happens: They start squeezing bugs out of her wounds. The entire theme is bad enough when you consider the horror she must have experienced, but then we're subjected to live maggots in bloody wounds, and that's all she wrote folks. All I kept thinking was "I wonder if they missed one and it's still living in her system?". I have no idea if this movie is available, and I doubt I'd want to watch it again. But at least I found it and can rest easy knowing she got all the bugs out all those years ago.
