When it comes to delivering horror, in many ways, Christmas has Halloween beat. Halloween may come with all the obvious dark gruesome imagery but when all is said and done it usually only inspires creative, light-hearted fun. On the other hand Christmas marches with a “Be merry or else” goosestep, casting about insincere niceties while emptying out your wallet and stuffing your stockings with stress and anxiety. You don’t hear about the suicide rate going through the roof in late October do you?
The best way to let off a little steam during the high pressure holiday season is by watching Christmas-themed horror movies. No matter how desperate your lot in life may be, it is pleasing to note that at least you are not being impaled on deer antlers like LINNEA QUIGLEY in SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.
Tragically though, Netflix Streaming appears to not understand the necessity of Christmas horror films and their selection of said fare is horrendously devoid of the classics that we all know and love. But don’t worry my kiddies as per usual your Unkle Lancifer has your back! I have put together a night of Netflix Streaming X-MAS horror just in case you need it. So double dose the rum in that eggnog and remember every time someone screams, an angel gets its wings!
MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000: SANTA CLAUSE
Let’s start out with something terrible shall we? Are you all alone this year? Have you been rejected by your friends and family because your nose glows? Well who needs real human company when you have hosts Mike, Crow and Tom? They are happy to supply fellowship and snarky commentary without eating you out of house and home and asking you pesky questions about your personal life! In this episode of the long running series the gang takes a look-see at a craptacular Mexican holiday film involving an outer space Santa and his war with a pajama clad Satan. You all know whom I’m voting for!
DEAD END (2003)
A car trip to Grandma’s house for Christmas morphs into a voyage into creepsville in this movie that I recommend often. (Review HERE) The ending reveal isn’t exactly as original as a snow flake but the atmosphere is denser than a fruitcake and spending time with RAY WISE (TWIN PEAKS) and LIN SHAYE (INSIDIOUS) is more fun than hanging out with any relative you know.
SIX FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE: A CHRISTMAS TALE
Here I was all excited to recommend this segment of SIX FILMS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE (Review HERE) involving a bunch of tykes who find a Lady Santa in a pit only to have her escape and try to kill them with an axe- when I discovered it’s not available! That’s right! Turns out only select episodes of SIX FILMS ETC. are available for streaming and this ain’t one of them! Way to screw up my post Netflix! Ugh, for reasons unknown I try to help you out Netflix Streaming but you always do me wrong… Damn you, you fickle and ungrateful mistress! Eat a bag of coal.
I’m not so easily foiled Netflix! I have a last minute substitution! I was just checking out our AVALANCHE OF CHRISTMAS HORROR! list from last year and noticed that kinderpal David Fullam suggested HARDWARE in the comments section. Yes, the robot head in HARDWARE was indeed a Christmas present and that particular movie is available on Netflix Streaming so there you go. Thanks DF, you saved my post!
SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT/ CHRISTMAS EVIL
If you should happen to not have Netflix Streaming there is no need to worry. Public Domain is here to save the day! If you are ever experiencing a Christmas horror movie deprivation emergency just break the glass that has MARY WORONOV and FIONA APPLE’s dad behind it! I’m talking of course about SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT and the hilarious CHRISTMAS EVIL, both of which are at your disposal any time you like! Check out my full reviews HERE and HERE and ogle the full-length videos below. There’s no reason why everyone can’t have a scary Christmas!