kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Dirty, Filthy Horror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

So I came across a German trailer for THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE (1976) sneaking around YouTube and it got stuck in my head. The trailer is so dark, damaged, scratched up and weathered that it feels like an unscalable wall of gloom. I've never seen the film look shabbier and I've never seen it look as intriguingly sinister or lurid either. Maybe I'm experiencing a rubber band effect from being exposed to too much slick high definition lately, but it got me thinking about the movies I enjoy that gather strength by the fact that they revel in their own grunged-out grittiness.

PSYCHO (1960)

PSYCHO may seem like a starkly handsome film now but when you compare it to HITCHCOCK's earlier flashier flicks, it's obviously a deliberate step away from artifice and glamour. Marion Crane stumbles into a world that is rotting and falling apart and HITCH's emphasis on keeping it candidly real went so far as to showcase the first flushing toilet seen in American film. PSYCHO is nothing if not about the blemishes and stains that can't be scrubbed away; not even in the shower.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)

Some folks might assume NOTLD's shabby chic aesthetic is due to its age but if you consider the fact that it was released the same year as ROSEMARY'S BABY, you get a better idea of just how scrappy and low brow this production is. The film's non-existent budget surely influenced the end result, but director ROMERO's blunt news footage approach turned the minus of poverty into an integral plus. NOTLD's public domain status insures that a dingy looking copy is never more than a Google search away.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)

Remaster it, put it on DVD, smack it with a Blu-ray high definition stick, hire a zillion cherubs to polish it with Jesus' tears, it doesn't matter. TEXAS CHAINSAW will always look like it's been dragged through the mud since the beginning of time and that's why I love it. No need for blood, the ultimate horror here is derived from committing the unspoken American sin of looking under the carpet where the trash has been swept.

SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1974)

Here's another example of a limited budget being an asset. SNBN is dark, cold and grey throughout and it utilizes its authentically well-worn locations to their creepy fullest, but it is the film's cracked and crusty sepia toned flashback sequences that really chill the bone.

CATHY'S CURSE (1977)

I may have just created a portal to hell by including CATHYS CURSE and PSYCHO on the same list and I'm fine with that. CATHY'S CURSE's heap of garbage, ratty demeanor is not an artistic choice but the result of brain damaged filmmakers and the reality that nobody would want to remaster the film due to the process involving having to watch it. I stand convinced that every repulsive rust and avocado hue from the seventies dived into this celluloid cesspool to die. That said, one of my favorite aspects of this abomination, besides its doctrine of non-stop nonsense, is the fact that its base fugliness is heightened by its shredded, war torn ill kept state. What a Mess-terpiece!

SCREAMS OF A WINTER NIGHT (1979)

I've never seen a copy of this movie that doesn't look like hell and I don't think I want to. Huge chunks of it are completely indecipherable but that's part of what makes it work for me. SOAWN goes beyond delivering nicked and damaged visuals; it offers a wave of crunchy crumbling sound too!

DEAD AND BURIED (1980)

Here's an underrated movie with no shortage of atmosphere. D&B has several shockingly gruesome set pieces but for me there's one ragged insert that shadows over the others. In it, one the main characters is revealed to be not quite what they seem via a battered and dingy amateur home film, the texture of which contrasts with everything else we've seen.

NIGHTMARE (1980)

Finally available on DVD, I was initially disappointed when I threw NIGHTMARE's disc in my player and noted the extensive scratches and damage that it still retains. My chagrin dissipated quickly when I realized that NIGHTMARE's sleaze trash, grind house nature was in fact perfectly framed and amplified by the scourge of visual imperfections.

CEMETERY OF TERROR (1985)

I have to include this recent discovery. One of the great joys of watching COT is basking in its ramshackle mangled mahogany state.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)

How ironic that when Hollywood jumped at the chance to capitalize on BLAIR's success with a sequel that the first thing they jettisoned was the original's coarse and crude threadbare look. C'mon, the film's ace in the hole for igniting imaginations was its unrefined, vague as the shroud of Turin visuals.

THE ROB ZOMBIE OEUVRE

From the kaleidoscopic channel surfing static strewn barrage of HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES to the acrid dusty rust heaps of THE DEVIL'S REJECTS to the swirling melted Jolly Rancher bag of his HALLOWEEN re-duo, ZOMBIE's visuals are never not rug burn raw and bursting with imperfect unkempt energy.

THE END

Hey, so that was an eclectic (sloppy) assemblage of films wasn't it? I almost included SE7EN(1995) and PLANET TERROR (2007) but decided that rather than earning the holes in their jeans, they bought them pre-weathered at designer stores. Maybe I should have separated the films by those that were scruffy on purpose, those that were ratty due to budget and those that were torn up due to not being well preserved but I didn't. I mostly just wanted to talk about the wondrous effect that the marred, sullied, untidy image has on me when I watch a horror film and what can I say? I like things a little messy. It's a matter of taste.

The Final Terror (1983)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Slasher movies are like wine, they get better with age and only a sophisticated palate can distinguish the full range of subtle aromas and flavors. Some days I simply require the crisp hearty taste of a killer in the woods flick and I know I am not alone. THE FINAL TERROR is often dismissed as a FRIDAY The 13TH rip-off but that's not entirely accurate. Really, TFT should be so shrewd as to mold itself after FRIDAY, instead it's frustratingly coy and it refuses to go for the gusto even when in the perfect position to do so. Just when things get exciting, it ends. Still, it does have a certain something and I almost masochistically enjoy that it won't give me what I want.

What's to love:

The cast: JOE PANTOLIANO is the perfect creep and aw, there's LEWIS SMITH of BUCKAROO BANZAI and MARK METCALF from the TWISTED SISTER videos! Furthermore, I'll never say no to either DARYL (BLADE RUNNER) HANNAH or RACHAEL (NIGHT SCHOOL) WARD. Even though neither leave much of an impression here, to have both in one film is an embarrassment of riches. ADRIAN ZMED on the other hand is nothing to brag abou,t but I'll give him a break as a courtesy to GREASE 2.

The Location: Where FRIDAY shows off the lovely woods of New Jersey THE FINAL TERROR takes place in some zone that more closely resembles the planet Endor. (In fact, IMDb just informed me that TFT and RETURN OF THE JEDI do share location.) Nature here is all encompassing and the sense that help is out of reach is distinct.

The Killer: TFT's menace sprouts straight out of a campfire tale. A young girl is raped by her uncle and thrown into an insane asylum. Her offspring later frees her but then noting that she is nuts beyond repair leaves her in the woods to live off the land. Now, she hunts trespassers and could one of the main characters be that very son? It's nice having a female psycho and it's cool that the haggy beast camouflages herself to blend in with the surroundings and uses what is available to make deadly traps. Imagine being split apart by rusty can lids! That's gotta hurt. Plus she lives in a shack in the woods just like I will someday!

What's not to love:

The Kills: There's maybe two barely decent kills in this movie and that's not going to cut it. In fact, half of the cast survives! I appreciate that TFT was going more for a survival thriller rather than slasher flick vibe but the difference between obscurity and rampant cult fandom (THE BURNING will tell you) is mostly in the blood. I'm not saying you have to spring for SAVINI or anything, but maybe go to the store and score some ground chuck for Pete's sake.

The Lighting: If you're old enough to turn on a camera then you're old enough to turn on a light. I know there are easier things than lighting a forest but c'mon. I'm going to give TFT the benefit of the doubt and point out that it has yet to receive anything close to a proper presentation for the home market. I don't remember image quality being an issue when I first caught it on cable as a critter. Maybe my eyesight was better then.

The Pace: TFT slowly builds up to an alarming bus attack scene and then somehow looses momentum again. I understand the value of quiet time and I don't require fireworks every second, but there is a certain amount of focus and direction that is necessary for effectiveness. It's kind of like listening to someone tell a story who keeps getting sidetracked by minutia. I can forgive vagueness but not so much the feeling that so much time is wasted where we could have easily have learned useful information.

I know I'm trying to get a dog to meow and that if any other movie was as equally good as it was bad, it would be called a failure but this is a forest-set, eighties horror flick and in a way that overrides all. If you're not a slasher fan you needn't bother, but if you count yourself among the truly devoted it might hit the spot. THE FINAL TERROR gets props from me for not following the usual path but it sort of gets lost in the woods anyway. We don't get the usual stereotypical characters and that's nice but then again we don't get to know anyone at all. Why am I telling you all this? Because THE FINAL TERROR is available in full for free on YouTube and no matter how you look at it, free is a fair price isn't it? Maybe not, but sometimes I just have to take a walk in the woods anyway.

Mystery Six!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Everybody's most favorite show ever, KINDERTRAUMA FUNHOUSE has been put on hiatus! The news is equal parts sad and true! With budgets soaring, ratings plummeting and advertisers scurrying away like rats due to THE FUNHOUSE's controversial sexual reassignment surgery, KINDERTRAUMA had no choice but to pull the plug. Will it return? It's too soon to guess but luckily, as a mid-season replacement, there is MYSERY SIX!

MYSTERY SIX is hip, hot, now, flagrantly cutting edge and offers 100 percent of the same entertainment value while cutting production costs by nearly forty percent! MYSTERY SIX is sure to sweep the Internet by storm with its streamlined approach to Friday morning trivia! Can you identify today's MYSTERY SIX? Do you know who the heck these people are? Answer correctly and you can tell your friends you are superstar king of the day!

Seven Unsung Vampire Flicks

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: Here's a list of seven vampire flicks that I believe are underrated. You will not see great movies like NEAR DARK, THE HUNGER, VAMPIRE'S KISS or NOSFERATU here because I think people generally know those flicks are good. Beware because even though they are numbered, I put little or no thought toward their order!

7. VAMPIRE WARS : BATTLE FOR THE UNIVERSE (aka BLOODSUCKERS) 2005

You may have stumbled across this one on the SYFY Channel, thought it looked lame and skipped past it and, if so, you really missed out. This is great, goopy, gory escapist entertainment sporting highly likable (and easy on the peepers) characters that I only wish I got to see more of. It's sorta the illegitimate child of BUFFY and FIREFLY coated in an almost FLASH GORDON-esque corny, cartoon candy shell. The first thing I thought after viewing it was, "This should be a series!" And how sad to find out that it actually is a pilot for a show that never got picked up. Ouch. That hurts considering the bonanza of crap SYFY chose to support instead. VAMPIRE WARS comes courtesy of MATTHEW HASTINGS who is responsible for the equally underrated DECOYS (2004), so maybe I shouldn't be so shocked that I enjoy it as I do.

6. THE NIGHT FLIER (1997)

Of course this movie fell through the cracks, it's based on a short story from some obscure writer named STEPHEN KING! Two tabloid journalists are tracking down a serial killer who uses a private plane to stalk his prey. Matters turn for the worse when the suspect is discovered to be a vampire with a pilot license. The always good MIGUEL FERRER gets a chance to tear things up in a rare lead role and director MARK PAVIA provides more than a few moments of true eeriness that are bound to stay with you. My only question is why we've never seen another picture directed by PAVIA. I hope he has a good excuse.

5. THE THIRST (1979)

Here is yet another example of great Australian cinema. THE THIRST is a remarkably original vampire movie both in its tone and with its progressive vision. Make sure you catch this one on DVD in widescreen and read our more extensive review HERE.

4. I, DESIRE (1982)

This one is probably going to be difficult to track down, but if you are a fan of eighties horror and are looking for a good DAVID NAUGHTON-starring companion piece for AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, it's worth the effort. If you're a BRAD DOURIF fan, and you should be, then get on it quick. Check out our full review HERE and our pal AMANDA BY NIGHT's thoughts over at MADE FOR TV MAYHEM HERE.

3. VAMP (1986)

To be honest, VAMP is not such a good movie, the story is all over the place, some of the jokes leave a bitter, douche-y aftertaste and the scares are few and far between. Be that as it may, it's a fluffy-fluorescent, neon noir knock out if you crave flawed eighties flicks. Moreover, the exceptionally charismatic cast makes it all worthwhile. GRACE JONES is oddly mesmerizing as a far too mute vampire goddess, CHRIS MAKEPEACE is a perfect clean-behind-the-ears everyman, DEDEE PFIEFFER is bug-in-a-rug adorable, and ROBERT (NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2) RUSLER, as always, rules. (If someone could explain to me how RUSLER didn't become a giant star in the '80s while a traffic cone with teeth named TOM CRUISE did, I will bake them a cake.) Sure, VAMP is rarely successful at its clear intention of capturing the spirit of the previous year's FRIGHT NIGHT, but as far as presenting characters we care about, it fares far better than that film's recent remake does. Not a total success, but nostalgically entertaining nonetheless.

2. DRACULA (Spanish version 1931)

When it comes to classic UNIVERSAL-style horror, I'm enraptured by the FRANKENSTEIN series, severely dig THE WOLFMAN and quite shamefully feel unsatisfied and unmoved towards TOD BROWNING's 1931 take on DRACULA. Aren't I awful? You see, for me, BELA LUGOSI may be sufficiently creepy and weird and all, but when it comes to romantic magnetism, his pockets produce moths. The Spanish version of DRACULA, which was filmed at the same time and utilized the same sets as the better known classic, mows the lawn in spots that BROWNING's version missed. It's got a far sexier vibe, more vibrant violence and frankly shows, rather than meekly cuts away from, good old-fashioned bug chomping. It's almost the exact same undead tale but the difference is, it pulsates with more gritty unapologetic life.

1. THE ADDICTION (1995)

One of these days I'll write about this movie more in depth, but for now I'll just say I love it. It's one of my favorite vampire movies, favorite LILI TAYLOR movies and favorite ABEL FERRARA flicks too. I find it much more effective than the similarly black and white NADJA and much more involving than the similarly shoestring-budgeted and New York set THE HABIT (both of which came out around the same time.) Besides TAYLOR, the cast also includes ANNABELLA SCIORRA, EDIE FALCO and CHRISTOPHER WALKEN. I don't think critics understood this one too much, chalking it up as a pretentious drug allegory when really it tackles much larger issues like humanity's natural penchant towards causing cruelty and the contagious nature of evil. It's as gloomy as a Ladder Day Saints commercial and yet its soundtrack features CYPRESS HILL and if that doesn't tell you how singularly awesome it is, then I don't know what will. This is yet another movie that never found its way to DVD but if you look around hard enough (namely HERE) you should be able to find it.

Name That Trauma :: Stacy Pershall (Author of "Loud In The House Of Myself") on an Explosive PSA

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Oh my dearest Kindertrauma, I have JUST discovered you, and I'm in love! I'm hoping you can help me figure out who was behind the biggest trauma of my young life. It was, of course, a PSA, and it sent me and my brother running out of the room in tears back in the '70s. I'm pretty sure it was made by the Latter Day Saints. It was about hate, and it featured a little red cartoon guy with smoke coming out of his ears and, as I recall, wild swirly eyes. He started far off in the distance and stomped toward the screen as a creepy song about hate played. The last line of the song, as I recall, was, "Hate…the one it hurts the most…is YOU!" And when it said, "you," the little guy EXPLODED!

I've searched for this thing in vain for years. The closest reference I've found is HERE.

Oh, and I did a gallery installation about THE WALTONS' episode "The Changeling" at GalleryThe here in NYC. I slept in the gallery window wearing a red wig, surrounded by Raggedy Ann dolls, as a TV played the scene.

I hope someone else remembers this PSA!

— Stacy Pershall

UNK SEZ: Thanks Stacy! I don't remember your commercial but I've always been haunted by another one that I'm pretty sure was from the Latter Day Saint's too. In it, a little girl is shown crying, looking out of a rain soaked window and then her mom comes up behind her and the girl says, "Mom, why am I so dumb?" and that's it. They used to show it all the time and I know it existed because it inspired a popular catchphrase in my home. I'm not a fan of religion myself but I must give credit where it's due and say that the Amish make great pickles and the Mormons make great TV commercials. I could watch LDS spots all day! They run the gamut from noose inspiring to nitrous oxide sweet and every so often they're narrated by TOM BOSLEY! I looked for both of our PSAs in the YouTube pile up below and came up empty handed but maybe if we keep our fingers crossed and pray to the Internet, both of our ads will reemerge soon!

ALSO: Thank you Stacy for alerting the Kindertrauma offices to both HEDDA GET BEDDA and the board game SEANCE! Kids, you can buy Stacy's book LOUD IN THE HOUSE OF MYSELF over HERE!

Looking Back At The World Trade Center

Posted on By unkle lancifer

UNK SEZ: My big plan was to grab all the images of the World Trade Center that I could find in horror films but mid way through my endeavor I discovered someone had beaten me to it. Many of these images come courtesy of the site WORLD TRADE CENTER IN MOVIES which catalogues shots of The Twin Towers found in films of every variety. Check it out HERE. I know you don't need another person telling you to remember the Towers today so instead allow me to point out how adept movies are at capturing what is missed.

Crypt of Terror :: Horror From South of the Border Vol. 1

Posted on By unkle lancifer

While searching for an image of a possessed doll for a Name That Trauma, I came across the Mexican horror film VACATION OF TERROR. Further investigation led me to Amazon where I was happy to discover that said film was available in a set called CRYPT OF TERROR: HORROR FROM SOUTH OF THE BORDER VOL 1. Although intrigued, I wisely decided that I should not gamble my meager clams on a film I'd never seen before and so I walked away from the computer sad but proud of my will power. Before I could congratulate myself too much, I received an email invoice thanking me for my purchase! What?! I was only window-shopping! I knew I could easily dispute the sale but I decided to just let it go. Fate was clearly at work and it was best not to push against it because that causes adult acne. I imagined that I was meant to see VACATION OF TERROR and it turned out that I imagined right. Let's hear it for happy mistakes!

VACATION OF TERROR (1989)

Lord do I love haunted house movies. VACATION begins with a witch being burned at the stake cursing revenge. We jump forward a couple hundred years and a family consisting of a ma and pa, two twin boys, a little girl, a babysitting teen niece and her affable beau (PEDRO FERNANDEZ) unleash the witch's wrath when they seek R&R on her property and discover the doll she left behind in a well. The body count is zero but there is never a dull moment when the walls are bleeding, snakes and tarantulas are being hallucinated, refrigerators are teeming with rats, and folks start flying around and falling through mirrors. Rational sense is thrown to the birds and the special effects resemble a grade school play but, overall, I feel like I'm watching the Mexican version of CATHY'S CURSE and pigs only think they love slop when compared to the euphoria I find myself in. I never want to see a good move again; I know where I belong. V.O.T. is directed by RENE CARDONA III, the son of the guy who did 1978's BERMUDA TRIANGLE and grandson of the guy who did NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES and ‘59s SANTA CLAUS. Talk about a dynasty! I sure hope there's a RENE CARDONA IV.


VACATION OF TERROR 2: DIABOLICAL BIRTHDAY

Speaking of sequels, having enjoyed V.O.T. so much, I was beside myself with joy to see that my new DVD set came with its further installment. If it were half as good I'd be content enough, but my expectations were blown completely out of the water. Part 2 finds the niece's boyfriend from the first film (PEDRO FERNANDEZ) off on his own adventure where he is again confronted by the dreaded witch doll! It gets better! The doll not only transforms from porcelain to felt muppet but it also splits at the seams and a giant lizard demon complete with tail pops out! Better still, the action takes place at a kids' Halloween/ birthday party and our hero is joined by TATIANA, a Mexican pop star, who brings along her own TIFFANY-style musical number! Is this much fun legal? Lifting heavily from POLTERGEIST and ELM STREET, V.O.T.2 is non-stop, surreal lunacy with special effects that swing from awesome to infantile and back again and frankly, it's a volcano of entertainment. Allow me to reiterate that it takes place on Halloween.

CEMETERY OF TERROR

Satisfied as I was with the VACATION movies, I had no right to expect my winning streak to continue and then came CEMETERY OF TERROR. It too takes place on Halloween and it too rocked my world. A bunch of teenagers steal a corpse not realizing the body is that of Mexico's answer to Michael Myers, a bearded goon named Devlon. He's even got a Loomis type following him around (NIGHTMARE CITY's HUGO STIGLITZ) and he kills folks to the synth-beats of a faux-HALLOWEEN score! Just when you think things can't get any more wonderful, a group of children happen upon the cemetery where Devlon was resurrected and are confronted by an army of THRILLER zombies! (One of the kids is even wearing a MICHAEL JACKSON jacket!) Yes, I've watched this one twice already and will be spinning it again in October.

GRAVE ROBBERS

Can I even take anymore? A hulking Satanist is put to death during the inquisition and held quiet by a hatchet removed hundreds of years later by group of grave robbing teens. This one appears to be inspired heavily by THE EVIL DEAD and FRIDAY THE 13TH (particularly JASON LIVES) and it really delivers the gore. I've always wondered what happened to the spirit of American horror films in the late eighties and now I believe that it obviously just jumped on over to Mexico. GRAVE ROBBERS is directed by the same guy who did CEMETERY OF TERROR (RUBEN GALIDO JR.) and it not only makes for a perfect companion piece, but it also shares some of the same cast. The killer with his trademark axe and hooded robe is highly memorable and what a shame he was not awarded a sequel!

HELL'S TRAP

This time a group of kids venture into the woods to compete in a bear hunt but instead find themselves being hunted by a crazed Vietnam vet. I wasn't sure if I was going to dig the less supernatural set up of this one, but I was appeased to see my pal PEDRO from the V.O.T. films playing the lead role. HELL'S TRAP borrows a bit from RAMBO and PREDATOR; however, the killer is certainly slasher-inspired with his Freddy-style knife glove and the pale expressionless HALLOWEEN mask covering his scarred face. When utilizing home made traps a'la THE FINAL TERROR fails, he's not afraid of disposing of multiple characters via sub machine gun and hand grenade. I usually prefer my horror gun-free but having disposed of several characters with his Freddy glove, I guess this guy has earned the right to bare arms. This one is directed by PEDRO GALINA JR., the gentleman responsible for V.O.T.'s wild sequel.

AND THE REST

This set may claim "3 Discs… Six films!" but it's just being modest, there are actually 4 discs and 8 films. You also get DEMON RAT, which I'll save for a rainy day, and two versions of DON'T PANIC which, for some strange reason, I didn't care for but will give another try in the future. What a great find, especially if you can purchase them used. My beloved set cost me less than ten bucks!

If you believe enthusiasm trumps technique, if you don't mind subtitles and can look past and/or adore makeshift effects and bombardments of hokiness, this is your dream ticket especially with Halloween fast approaching. If you are a fan of eighties horror, and feel as if you've been scrapping the barrel lately looking for new finds, it's like striking oil and dancing under black rain.

Thank God I didn't go back on this accidental purchase; oh what I would have missed.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2011)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

After the hurricane split town it was finally safe for me to venture to the movie theater to see DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK. Many, many people felt differently for I found myself to be the only person in the place. I pretended I was rich enough to buy out the entire showing to watch it by myself and sadly this made me feel like a big shot. Outrageously the trailer for THE WOMAN IN BLACK was withheld from me and I had to be satisfied with the trailer for THE THING instead. It's too early to tell if that film will suck or not, but the music in the trailer contented me. DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK was about to start! I'm excited for this because it exists on account of the original T.V. movie happens to be GUILLERMO DEL TORO's own personal kindertrauma! I've never to my knowledge seen a movie based on a kindertrauma before! Gummy bears are in my pocket. God, CONTAGION looks like crap. What is WINSLET thinking?

There are a few major changes from the original DBAOTD but they all make fine sense. Sally is no longer an infantilized adult but an actual child and it's her dad (GUY PIERCE of RAVENOUS) rather than her husband whose careerism prevents him from properly engaging with her. Pop's girlfriend (KATIE HOLMES) is named Kim (after DARBY) and she reveals with a bit of dialogue that her own childhood was such a wreck that she's weary of the prospect of mothering by default. Sally's biological mother is briskly painted as an apathetic goon who can't be bothered even by a frantic phone call from the child she dumped like a load of laundry on her once husband. Naturally Sally is feeling so unwanted and so starved for connection that she starts chatting up the whispering demonic voices that come from the pit in the basement. They sound absolutely evil but they say exactly what Sally longs to hear, "We want you."

I was a bit worried from DBAOTD's trailer that the opulent mansion setting would be distractingly over the top and strain credibility but it's explained that our characters find themselves in such an extravagant environment while working on a temporary renovation. The joint is called Blackwood Manor as it was once where artist/biologist Emerson Blackwood hung his hat at least before he was pulled through a chimney by trolls. The biggest addition to the framework provided by the 1973 T.V. move is the extended mythology of these creatures who forever now can be referred to as "Homunculi" rather than "walnut heads" or "prune goons." The beasties are now linked to tooth fairy legend as their hobbies include trading children's teeth (which they crave) for silver coins. Better still, the creatures (whose humanoid mugs on rodent-like bodies now favor LOVECRAFT's Brown Jenkin character as much as the dudes from 1987's THE GATE) are seemingly connected to the work of Welsh author ARTHUR MACHEN, particularly his tale "The White People" which also concerns a young girls relationship with extraordinary beings. Nice!

Not everything runs like clockwork though and sometimes the clichés outnumber the trolls. The goth cloaked SECRET GARDEN vibe is very inviting and the acting is fine considering the box office poison death wish cast but things do get vague and choppy (or MIRAMAX-y) towards the end of the film and it feels as if valuable pieces are left behind in an effort to rush toward the climax. Allow me to be an even bigger stickler for a moment and say that the film's largest break from known reality involves not fairy monsters but a magical Polaroid camera that never runs out of film. I want one! Still, this is a dark fantasy; a fairy tale really so reality does need to shut its trap to an extent.

Which brings me to my ultimate question, why in the name of ROALD DAHL is this movie rated R? Are they trying to make sure that anybody who might relate to it can't see it? There is no sex and little gore and what I like most about it is that it feels like one of those early eighties dark DISNEY flicks like WATCHER IN THE WOODS or SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES. Most adults don't have the required imagination to make this work for themselves so why court wet blankets? I don't get it but I suspect that this is a movie that will gain traction in the home market. Indeed, as much as I enjoyed it, I won't try to sway you folks to run out to the theater to catch it. I think the preferred way to watch this is at home in the dark on the couch under a blanket late in the month of October with your critical brain drugged and gagged. It's a fun spooky and mostly harmless "things that go bump in the night" flick with a couple lapses in logic but several decent, jolty scares and I think it will feel most at home exactly where it originated on the living room television set.

There is a sweet scene in DBAOTD where Kim realizes that young Sally needs some grounding guidance before she floats away for good. She takes her to see a pond within the grounds' labyrinth garden that is home to some brightly colored Japanese fish. She explains that the fish's markings attract badgers and that it is exactly what makes them special that makes them vulnerable and I'll say that is true for this film as a whole too. It may be a bit too precious for its own good and it has no business hanging out at the mall after dark. As an R-rated horror film for adults it leaves something to be desired but as a PG-13 fantasy, I think it deserves a silver coin. Director TROY NIXEY apes producer co-writer GUILLERMO DEL TORO well and although this movie may not be on par with the best of DEL TORO's work, I have a sinking suspicion I will be revisiting it more often. If it plays its cards right and freshens up with a smoother director's cut on DVD, it may even find its way to my Halloween heavy-rotation pile.