Author: unkle lancifer
John Carpenter's The Ward
It's safe to say that JOHN CARPENTER is my favorite director of all time. I may have been more fascinated by CRONENBERG for a wee while, but that was only during my artsy phase. CARPENTER has made the majority of my favorite films and I have returned to and watched his movies over again a zillion times. So really, I came to this conclusion using simple math. I admit I was a bit cautious approaching his latest, THE WARD but considering I count myself among the few who appreciated GHOSTS OF MARS, I figured my chances of being outraged enough to throw a trash can through a pizza shop window were slim. I wasn't expecting a tour de force, just a competent work with a few adornments that high-fived his previous films. So what if he lost some zing and vitality? I wasn't feeling too hot myself. In other words, my expectations were not too high or too low. I've already gotten so much from this filmmaker that demanding much more felt like being an ungracious turd.
No need for plot details, it's basically GIRL INTERRUPTED…BY A GHOST! Most of the film runs smooth as silk and desperation free. It looks crispy clean in general and J.C.'s lovely signature is present and clearly legible. The atmosphere is not especially strong for ghostly subject matter but select moments hit the right uncanny nerve. The man has an eye and that eye still impresses; there's a bounty of wonderful shots all filled with his exquisite affection for lines and angles. I will assume that the film would have benefited some from a score by CARPENTER himself but a CARPENTER-approved score will have to suffice. (Did I hear a nod toward SUSPIRIA?)
I also really dig the cast, AMBER HEARD is all types of engaging, both beautiful and convincingly staunch. MAMIE GUMMER, as a quirky inmate, reminds me of a young MERYL STREEP and that I'm blaming on her mom, MERYL STREEP. JARED HARRIS is outstanding as a Loomis-y shrink leaning on nuts himself. I'd love to see him become a recurring CARPENTER player as PLEASENCE and ATKINS have done before him. I think this is a fantastic movie up to a point…
The problem is the script and more precisely, the end of the script. The film follows familiar paths and that is fine and dandy but then all the sudden it tramps things up big time with a highly irritating, borderline excruciating twist. I had such a good time with the HALLOWEEN II-ish setting, the FOG-zombie ghost, THE THING-esque group dynamics and CARPENTER's overall swoopy snug as a straightjacket style that I thought I could forgive the insulting "reveal" but then something worse happened, something that I'm still trying to reconcile.
The film ends with (and you can't spoil the already rotten) a goddamn medicine cabinet scare! Have you ever gone on a perfect date and then at the end of the evening the so and so bends to kiss you and their breath smells like roadkill? It's not a good way to leave things. I can't be too hard on a movie that is mostly good. I suppose if it was released twenty years ago, it would have curled my toes and buttered my English muffin. The good news is that CARPENTER still has the serious chops and honestly I'll take this movie before many a recent offering from some of his peers. Now, somebody please get this poor guy a script with an ending that doesn't make me sneeze. I'm allergic to mold!
Kinder-link:: Kevin Maher's Interview with Max Kalmanowicz Director of The Children (1980)
UNK SEZ:: One last heads up that tomorrow is the big date for the EVIL KIDS double feature that includes THE CHILDREN (1980) and DON'T GO TO SLEEP (1982)! To get you in the mood our buddy KEVIN MAHER has snagged an interview with THE CHILDREN's director MAX KALMANOWICZ which you can read HERE! It's a superlative piece and you'll notice that KEVIN was able to get both a traumafession and a "Name That Trauma!" out of MAX! How cool is that? Tickets to the show can be found YONDER! Hope those of you who are in that neck of the woods can make it!
ALSO:: Special thanks to our other pal JOHN KENNETH MUIR for supplying the cool publicity stills you see before you. You can read JKM's insightful review of THE CHILDREN over HERE!
Traumafessions :: Geofree Capodanno of The Man Cave on Vincent Price
Vincent Price. One of the all-time great horror icons. Some call him a master. Others call him an innovator. Most call him a god of the horror genre. All of which I agree on by all accounts, but for my Traumafession, I will refer to him as a someone who cost me hours of sleep between 1983-1984. When the Michael Jackson Thriller video was first released, it scared the crap out of me when I was a kid, so everything related to that video activated anxiety in my fragile, little mind. Since Vincent Price did the rap at the beginning and his signature laughter was used during my scariest moment of the video, during the "Cat's Eyes" sequence at the end, Price simply horrified me. Just when I found peace with Thriller, as it became my all-time favorite music video instead of my most feared, Vincent Price struck once again!
Around late 1984, I remember staying up very late to watch some R-rated raunchy comedy on HBO. Once that was over, I accidentally switched over to a local channel when I tried to shut the TV off. Once the channel changed, it was a close-up of Vincent Price's face as his eyes glowed green and he executed his famous evil laugh!! It lasted about 8 seconds but felt like 8 years to me. Frozen in terror, I did not sleep properly over the course of the next two days. It had to be at least 2am when this happened, and I was only about 7 or 8 at the time, so this was all my fault for sneaking to stay up so late on a school night in the first place. Come to find out later on the following week, it was a commercial for a Time-Life horror book series they released, for which Price was the face of the promotional ad. As the weeks went on, every time the commercial started playing on the channel I was watching, and it happened A LOT, I'd feverishly run to switch the channel in a panic.
In retrospect, this is all very embarrassing to admit, but I can laugh at myself. Not to mention that this happened before I learned how to do long division, so I'm not going to be too hard on myself. I read someone's Traumafession the other day and somehow the memory of this commercial (thanks Kindertrauma!) just popped back into my mind. Better yet, I actually found the commercial on YouTube, which unfortunately really cuts out a lot of the ending that scared the bejesus out of me. You can grab a glimpse of it though. Looking at it now for the first time in 7 years, the commercial is extremely corny and cheesy. It is silly to look back at this TV spot and think about how it affected me so much back then, but this is Traumafession and all, right?
UNK SEZ:: Thanks for the excellent traumafession Geofree! All you fine folks out there make sure you moonwalk over to Geofree's top-notch joint, THE MAN CAVE!
Streaming Alert! :: Black Death (2010)
BLACK DEATH is one seriously hearty, satisfying movie. Damn everybody who has already seen it and neglected to demand I do the same. It is set during a nasty time period when nobody could get cable television but they could get the Bubonic plague. A young monk trapped in a love triangle with a beautiful girl and God joins up with a group of soldiers lead by the excellent SEAN BEAN in search of a rumored village where folks are fancy with necromancy and can resurrect the dead.
BLACK DEATH could be described as a horror adventure. I hesitate to reveal anything more because a marvelous part of the experience involves imagining what might lie on the path ahead. My only advice is to keep an open mind and to try to see things from as many sides as possible because it really thickens the broth of this stew. I don't know (or care) how accurate it may be, but I do know it's rub-your-eyes gorgeous often, exciting as hell in places, and ultimately surprisingly profound. I plan to write Valentines to all involved.
BLACK DEATH was directed by CHRISTOPHER SMITH, (CREEP, SEVERANCE, TRIANGLE) an accelerating talent who has yet to disappoint me. Because it concerns religion an added bonus is that once the film is done, you can go on to its IMDb message board and marvel at the wide variety of interpretations from brilliant to batshit crazy. Trust me, it may look like homework but it tastes like a feast and I guarantee this Netflix Streaming pick is better than anything playing in your local theater. Trust me, I'm not kidding. Watch it!
Kinder-News :: Evil Children Double Feature!
UNK SEZ: Possibly the most Kindertraumatic double feature of all time has been put together by our pal KEVIN MAHER! Folks who attend will delight in both the twisted wonder that is the 1980 cult favorite THE CHILDREN and one of my favorite TV movies ever DON'T GO TO SLEEP! There shall be trivia and there shall be prizes! This festival of fiendish tots will be held Thursday, July 7th at 92Y Tribeca, 200 Hudson Street in the land of NY, NY! Failure to experience this event will result in tears! Get more info at THISKEVIN and buy your tickets HERE!
The Dark (1979)
1979's THE DARK is notoriously terrible and I guess it has a right to be. At some point midway through production the producers (one of whom was DICK CLARK) decided that the film's central Earthly menace might attract science fiction fans if it came instead from outer space. I wish I could jump in a time machine and stop them. It's not a good idea. You can't shift gears like that. These things need to be decided before the filming starts! I know WOODY ALLEN completely overhauled ANNIE HALL from his original concept but he did not have DIANE KEATON shooting lasers beams out of her eyeballs and bookend the movie with a rambling narration that basically shrugs its shoulders and says, "I don't know what's going on either." THE DARK really didn't have a fair shot because of said tampering; most everything you learn in the first half is negated or contradicted by the second. It's not completely without interest though, a few scenes do work nicely and even though it's chock full of nonsense, its biggest sin is not that it is crazy, its biggest sin is that it is often blindly milling about and
verging on boring.
What's left of the plot concerns a "mangler" who beheads anyone foolish enough to walk alone at night in the streets of LA. In fact he kills one person each and every night, which is somehow established night two. CASEY KASEM shows up to imply that the killer is some sort of zombie but as that was part of the original discarded plot I don't think we should listen to Shaggy. WILLIAM DEVANE's daughter (played by KIM & KYLE RICHARDS' sis KATHY) was the killer's first victim so he's teamed up with plucky, but not plucky enough, newscaster CATHY LEE CROSBY to get to the bottom of things. The excessively random cast brings a great deal to the wobbly table. KEENAN WYNN is hilarious as CROSBY's boss, RICHARD JAEKEL is equally so as a grisled cop and same goes double or triple for VIVIAN BLAINE as a kooky psychic. Cameos include the likes of a young PHILIP MICHAEL THOMAS as a guy named "Corn Rows." When it's in motion THE DARK is lovably bonkers in a similar vein to THE MANITOU or THE VISITOR but when it's stagnant, it's dishwater dull. It actually looks pretty amazing in all of its Panavision glory on DVD but there's no escaping the frustrating, unfocused, half-hearted pace.
Most semi-rational adults will point the blame solely on THE DARK's preposterous monster (Who is proceeded by whispered chants of "The dark, the dark!") but frankly I kinda like the guy. He gets at least one exceptional decapitation under his belt and even the dumb laser eyes can't hide the fact that he enlivens the proceedings whenever he appears. I can't explain his gargantuan hobo wardrobe but I love how he smashes through walls and throws people around. If he was just allowed to be a mutant, I think he could have gone places. If you stick around for the film's end you will rewarded with the wondrous sight of the creature taking out a bunch of cops in a ludicrous fashion but will undoubtedly be disappointed in the puff of smoke lame way he is conquered.
Bad movie fans will find a smorgasbord of seventies flavored insanity to chew on but those who don't suffer fools easily should wait for the next train. In any case, I believe there are lessons to be learned here. Don't second guess yourself and don't bend your vision for the fads of the day. Every monster deserves a chance to live up to his full potential and what's so bad about being from Earth anyway? I should add for those concerned that THE DARK's director JOHN ‘BUD' CARDOS (who replaced TOBE HOOPER who was ironically dropped for being too slow) has at least one worthwhile contribution to the world of horror on his resume as he previously helmed the equally nutso but at least never draggy kinderfave KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS.
Stream Warriors :: With Special Guest Host John Squires of Freddy In Space!
UNK SEZ: Today's Stream Warriors is hosted by none other than JOHN SQUIRES of FREDDY IN SPACE! He's got some killer picks for you kids today, so lend him your ear!
MONSTER DOG
Like peanut butter and jelly, some pairings were just meant to go together, as if by a decree handed down by God himself. If ya ask me, Claudio Fragasso and a video camera is one of these divine pairings. Just a few years before creating his masterpiece, Troll 2, Fragasso lensed a little gem called Monster Dog, an Alice Cooper star vehicle that saw the Coop battling off a horde of vicious dogs … and a bunch of hillbilly dudes … and a giant werewolf monster. I don't know how the Italian director and the American rock god ended up in bed together, but I'm sure glad they did.
In the film, a dubbed over Cooper plays Vince Raven, a rocker who returns to his hometown with some friends to film his latest music video, only to discover that the grounds are hunted by a pack of killer dogs (aka a bunch of friendly looking pet pooches dubbed to sound angry.) Turns out they are ruled over by a giant Monster Dog, which may or may not be Cooper himself given his father may or may not have passed on the weird heart condition he had that made the townsfolk think he was the titular monster, which he may or may not have actually been.
Flirting with the zombie movie, the werewolf movie, the killer dog movie and even the spaghetti western shoot 'em up flick, Monster Dog is rife with that same peculiar and even otherworldly quality that makes Troll 2 so gosh darn lovable. It's admittedly not as compelling as Troll 2 throughout much of its runtime, but there's some real tasty morsels in there including a couple highly catchy faux Alice Cooper music videos as well as his transformation into a werewolf at the end, which is worth the wait in and of itself. What's not to love about Alice Cooper wearing makeup and a ruffled sleeve jacket while talking in someone else's voice and blowing off hillbilly heads before ultimately turning into a monster dog himself? If you answered "absolutely nothing," then you should the hit play button on this one as soon as possible.
CRAWLSPACE
Few people are more captivating to watch, both onscreen and off, than the late German actor Klaus Kinski; a pariah to all those who worked with him and a real treasure to those of us who just get to sit back and watch from afar while he does his thing. As deranged Nazi landlord Karl Gunther, who loves nothing more than to stalk his beautiful female tenants, kill them with D.I.Y. traps that would make John Kramer jealous, talk to his imprisoned and tongueless friend and play solo games of Russian Roulette each night before bed (with a bullet with his name literally etched into it), Kinski is at his most captivating and utterly creepy best.
I first discovered the film when I found a copy of it on VHS at a yardsale several years back and instantly fell in love with its totally off the wall and completely original vibe. It's fast paced with a weirdness scale that escalates by the minute and it's frankly unlike any other movie I've ever seen. The majority of that praise is all thanks to Mr. Kinski, who brings to the proceedings one of the most interesting and unsettling killers in all of '80s horror, a mix between Dr. Kevorkian and Adolf Hitler himself (who Gunther delights in watching footage of while prancing around with lipstick smeared all over his creepy little face).
Maybe I'm biased given that I could sit down and watch Kinski watch paint dry for an hour and a half and be completely amused and interested, but I've gotta say that Crawlspace is one of the best little known horror flicks circulating out there. The coolest thing about it being on Netflix Instant is that the only DVD release of the film, which saw it paired up with 1980's The Attic, is long out of print and fetches upwards of $40 these days. So be sure to check it out before its instant status is revoked. Oh and you also might want to watch "Please Kill Mr. Kinski" afterwards, a nine minute little short documentary the director of Crawlspace made after Kinski's death as a sort of oddball tribute to the notoriously volatile actor. It can be watched in full over on YouTube.
AFRAID OF THE DARK
Imagine being completely blind and living in a city that is being stalked by a slasher who is targeting … blind people. This is the premise of Afraid of the Dark, a fascinating early '90s export from Britain that sees a curious little boy taking it upon himself to investigate the attacks and ensure that the blind community in town, which includes his own mother, is kept safe. Unfortunately, that's just about all I can say about the movie because it's the kind of film that's best to go into without knowing a lick about it. The whole movie basically shifts gears about halfway through and it's a completely disorienting and thought provoking journey into the psyche of both children and blind people and to really comment much on it would spoil some of that mystique. What I will say though is that this film is a perfect example of why I love Netflix's Watch Instantly feature so much. It exposes you to films you've never seen and oftentimes have never even heard of before, films that you probably either wouldn't add to your queue or wouldn't even know about to add to your queue, but ones that you will be more willing to delve into when they're right there in front of you for the taking. Afraid of the Dark is one of those movies that I had never even heard a peep about before and I'm thankful to Netflix for introducing me to it. It is films like this one that make me a bona fied Stream Warrior, loud and proud!
UNK SEZ: Thanks for the excellent recommendations! Kinderkids, make sure you stop by JS's home base FREDDY IN SPACE very soon and very often! SQUIRES' enthusiasm for horror is pretty much unmatched so there's NO chance you won't enjoy yourself THERE!
Revenge of the Funhouse!
UNK SEZ: Reader bdwilcox said it best in the comments section for our post on THE HORSEMAN, "There are few things quite as satisfying as a good revenge flick." With that in mind, today's Funhouse shall be all about making the bastards pay! Good Luck kiddies!
