Author: unkle lancifer
The Dark (1979)
1979's THE DARK is notoriously terrible and I guess it has a right to be. At some point midway through production the producers (one of whom was DICK CLARK) decided that the film's central Earthly menace might attract science fiction fans if it came instead from outer space. I wish I could jump in a time machine and stop them. It's not a good idea. You can't shift gears like that. These things need to be decided before the filming starts! I know WOODY ALLEN completely overhauled ANNIE HALL from his original concept but he did not have DIANE KEATON shooting lasers beams out of her eyeballs and bookend the movie with a rambling narration that basically shrugs its shoulders and says, "I don't know what's going on either." THE DARK really didn't have a fair shot because of said tampering; most everything you learn in the first half is negated or contradicted by the second. It's not completely without interest though, a few scenes do work nicely and even though it's chock full of nonsense, its biggest sin is not that it is crazy, its biggest sin is that it is often blindly milling about and
verging on boring.
What's left of the plot concerns a "mangler" who beheads anyone foolish enough to walk alone at night in the streets of LA. In fact he kills one person each and every night, which is somehow established night two. CASEY KASEM shows up to imply that the killer is some sort of zombie but as that was part of the original discarded plot I don't think we should listen to Shaggy. WILLIAM DEVANE's daughter (played by KIM & KYLE RICHARDS' sis KATHY) was the killer's first victim so he's teamed up with plucky, but not plucky enough, newscaster CATHY LEE CROSBY to get to the bottom of things. The excessively random cast brings a great deal to the wobbly table. KEENAN WYNN is hilarious as CROSBY's boss, RICHARD JAEKEL is equally so as a grisled cop and same goes double or triple for VIVIAN BLAINE as a kooky psychic. Cameos include the likes of a young PHILIP MICHAEL THOMAS as a guy named "Corn Rows." When it's in motion THE DARK is lovably bonkers in a similar vein to THE MANITOU or THE VISITOR but when it's stagnant, it's dishwater dull. It actually looks pretty amazing in all of its Panavision glory on DVD but there's no escaping the frustrating, unfocused, half-hearted pace.
Most semi-rational adults will point the blame solely on THE DARK's preposterous monster (Who is proceeded by whispered chants of "The dark, the dark!") but frankly I kinda like the guy. He gets at least one exceptional decapitation under his belt and even the dumb laser eyes can't hide the fact that he enlivens the proceedings whenever he appears. I can't explain his gargantuan hobo wardrobe but I love how he smashes through walls and throws people around. If he was just allowed to be a mutant, I think he could have gone places. If you stick around for the film's end you will rewarded with the wondrous sight of the creature taking out a bunch of cops in a ludicrous fashion but will undoubtedly be disappointed in the puff of smoke lame way he is conquered.
Bad movie fans will find a smorgasbord of seventies flavored insanity to chew on but those who don't suffer fools easily should wait for the next train. In any case, I believe there are lessons to be learned here. Don't second guess yourself and don't bend your vision for the fads of the day. Every monster deserves a chance to live up to his full potential and what's so bad about being from Earth anyway? I should add for those concerned that THE DARK's director JOHN ‘BUD' CARDOS (who replaced TOBE HOOPER who was ironically dropped for being too slow) has at least one worthwhile contribution to the world of horror on his resume as he previously helmed the equally nutso but at least never draggy kinderfave KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS.
Stream Warriors :: With Special Guest Host John Squires of Freddy In Space!
UNK SEZ: Today's Stream Warriors is hosted by none other than JOHN SQUIRES of FREDDY IN SPACE! He's got some killer picks for you kids today, so lend him your ear!
MONSTER DOG
Like peanut butter and jelly, some pairings were just meant to go together, as if by a decree handed down by God himself. If ya ask me, Claudio Fragasso and a video camera is one of these divine pairings. Just a few years before creating his masterpiece, Troll 2, Fragasso lensed a little gem called Monster Dog, an Alice Cooper star vehicle that saw the Coop battling off a horde of vicious dogs … and a bunch of hillbilly dudes … and a giant werewolf monster. I don't know how the Italian director and the American rock god ended up in bed together, but I'm sure glad they did.
In the film, a dubbed over Cooper plays Vince Raven, a rocker who returns to his hometown with some friends to film his latest music video, only to discover that the grounds are hunted by a pack of killer dogs (aka a bunch of friendly looking pet pooches dubbed to sound angry.) Turns out they are ruled over by a giant Monster Dog, which may or may not be Cooper himself given his father may or may not have passed on the weird heart condition he had that made the townsfolk think he was the titular monster, which he may or may not have actually been.
Flirting with the zombie movie, the werewolf movie, the killer dog movie and even the spaghetti western shoot 'em up flick, Monster Dog is rife with that same peculiar and even otherworldly quality that makes Troll 2 so gosh darn lovable. It's admittedly not as compelling as Troll 2 throughout much of its runtime, but there's some real tasty morsels in there including a couple highly catchy faux Alice Cooper music videos as well as his transformation into a werewolf at the end, which is worth the wait in and of itself. What's not to love about Alice Cooper wearing makeup and a ruffled sleeve jacket while talking in someone else's voice and blowing off hillbilly heads before ultimately turning into a monster dog himself? If you answered "absolutely nothing," then you should the hit play button on this one as soon as possible.
CRAWLSPACE
Few people are more captivating to watch, both onscreen and off, than the late German actor Klaus Kinski; a pariah to all those who worked with him and a real treasure to those of us who just get to sit back and watch from afar while he does his thing. As deranged Nazi landlord Karl Gunther, who loves nothing more than to stalk his beautiful female tenants, kill them with D.I.Y. traps that would make John Kramer jealous, talk to his imprisoned and tongueless friend and play solo games of Russian Roulette each night before bed (with a bullet with his name literally etched into it), Kinski is at his most captivating and utterly creepy best.
I first discovered the film when I found a copy of it on VHS at a yardsale several years back and instantly fell in love with its totally off the wall and completely original vibe. It's fast paced with a weirdness scale that escalates by the minute and it's frankly unlike any other movie I've ever seen. The majority of that praise is all thanks to Mr. Kinski, who brings to the proceedings one of the most interesting and unsettling killers in all of '80s horror, a mix between Dr. Kevorkian and Adolf Hitler himself (who Gunther delights in watching footage of while prancing around with lipstick smeared all over his creepy little face).
Maybe I'm biased given that I could sit down and watch Kinski watch paint dry for an hour and a half and be completely amused and interested, but I've gotta say that Crawlspace is one of the best little known horror flicks circulating out there. The coolest thing about it being on Netflix Instant is that the only DVD release of the film, which saw it paired up with 1980's The Attic, is long out of print and fetches upwards of $40 these days. So be sure to check it out before its instant status is revoked. Oh and you also might want to watch "Please Kill Mr. Kinski" afterwards, a nine minute little short documentary the director of Crawlspace made after Kinski's death as a sort of oddball tribute to the notoriously volatile actor. It can be watched in full over on YouTube.
AFRAID OF THE DARK
Imagine being completely blind and living in a city that is being stalked by a slasher who is targeting … blind people. This is the premise of Afraid of the Dark, a fascinating early '90s export from Britain that sees a curious little boy taking it upon himself to investigate the attacks and ensure that the blind community in town, which includes his own mother, is kept safe. Unfortunately, that's just about all I can say about the movie because it's the kind of film that's best to go into without knowing a lick about it. The whole movie basically shifts gears about halfway through and it's a completely disorienting and thought provoking journey into the psyche of both children and blind people and to really comment much on it would spoil some of that mystique. What I will say though is that this film is a perfect example of why I love Netflix's Watch Instantly feature so much. It exposes you to films you've never seen and oftentimes have never even heard of before, films that you probably either wouldn't add to your queue or wouldn't even know about to add to your queue, but ones that you will be more willing to delve into when they're right there in front of you for the taking. Afraid of the Dark is one of those movies that I had never even heard a peep about before and I'm thankful to Netflix for introducing me to it. It is films like this one that make me a bona fied Stream Warrior, loud and proud!
UNK SEZ: Thanks for the excellent recommendations! Kinderkids, make sure you stop by JS's home base FREDDY IN SPACE very soon and very often! SQUIRES' enthusiasm for horror is pretty much unmatched so there's NO chance you won't enjoy yourself THERE!
Revenge of the Funhouse!
UNK SEZ: Reader bdwilcox said it best in the comments section for our post on THE HORSEMAN, "There are few things quite as satisfying as a good revenge flick." With that in mind, today's Funhouse shall be all about making the bastards pay! Good Luck kiddies!
Deadly Messages (1985)
The Kindertrauma Castle just got HBO in anticipation of TRUE BLOOD, I have a stack of unwatched DVDs acquired from a horror convention and Netflix Streaming continues to taunt me with its well of obscurities so why do I, when the world's asleep, continue to slide down the YouTube flume? It's just that there is so much hiding out in that joint that you can't find anywhere else! Physical copies of many of these gems are hard to come by and I've learned the hard way that anything found on YouTube must be quickly viewed as it could disappear back into the nowhere zone forever without warning. Now that so many once elusive titles are just a click away from your door, YouTube is like the last uncharted forest for those of us who remember and mourn the thrill of the hunt. Television movies especially sing to me like sirens and stumbling across a good one that I've missed is like stepping into a comfy time portal.
Going into DEADLY MESSAGES (1985) all I knew was that it stared that lady from ARE YOU IN THE HOUSE ALONE? (KATHLEEN BELLER) and it involved a Ouija board. No gamble there, by merely existing this movie poured milk on my flakes. How could I resist such an innocuous title? DEADLY MESSAGES is just too perfect. BELLER is Laura Daniels, a deliciously spazzy sprite who witnesses a murder and is routinely dismissed by the police. No matter how many times a guy with a hunting knife attacks her, there's just never enough evidence from the encounter for anyone to not think she's a hysterical nut. Confiding in her Ouija board provides little solace, as the planchette seems to side with her stalker by saying, "I am going to kill you!" All of this is pretty routine and vaguely hilarious and thankfully takes place during the Christmas season.
Then things take a turn for the amazing. Laura is fired from her job when none of her references pan out and then her long-suffering boyfriend Michael (MICHAEL BRANDON) is told by her doctor that during a brain scan it was discovered that she has been the recipient of shock therapy! Michael confronts her with this info in a restaurant decorated with ROBERT LONGO paintings but she, with her shirtsleeve dangling in spaghetti, insists she has no idea what he is talking about. Next, at a bookstore Michael discovers a series of Nancy Drew like mystery books with a heroine named Laura Daniels. All of the fictional character's exploits resemble the stories he's been told by Laura and it appears her entire identity is a big fat lie! Laura insists that she is on the up and up but when her investigation leads her to a mental hospital and the head nurse greets her with "Welcome home!" it's obvious that the person who knows the least about Laura is she herself (the revelation in considered alarming enough to warrant the coveted HITCHCOCK zoom. ) There's an explanation of sorts but you're not getting it from me.
What can I tell you, DEADLY MESSAGES is as silly and implausible as the day is long. I don't care because it's damn entertaining too. It makes perfect sense to me that the director (JACK BENDER) and writer (WILLIAM BLEICH) went on to do the superior T.V. movie THE MIDNIGHT HOUR too. Both films have a very cinematic feel for something made for the small screen and are host to loads of splendid atmosphere. As DEADLY MESSSAGES plows towards its climax it's all howling winds, blowing leaves and over the top musical cues and who can ask for more? It neatly transforms into a different type of movie altogether and I was kind of stunned that something so typical at the starting gate ended up so wonderfully off the wall and quirky. Considering its somewhat hokey woman in peril premise it impresses with several aggressive set pieces, a sneaky sense of humor and a penchant for keeping the viewer guessing. Cliches abound (including DENNIS FRANZ showing up as a cop!) but DEADLY MESSAGES is most fun when it refuses to go by the book.
NOTE: For even more on DEADLY MESSAGES jump on over to TV movie central, our pal AMANDA BY NIGHT's MADE FOR TV MAYHEM!
Kinder-Flix: The Facts in the Case of Mr. Hollow
UNK SEZ: Critters, check out this stunning short from Directors RODRIGO GUDINO & VINCENT MARCONE! Look closely. It shall curl your toes!
Happy Father's Day! :: The Horseman
I wanted to pick a special Father's Day Netflix Streaming movie and decided to go with the stompy Ozzie revenge flick THE HORSEMAN! I should warn you upfront though that this movie is extremely violent. In fact, I even caught myself closing ONE of my eyes and in retrospect, I have no idea how I thought that might help. I'm also afraid that it does some skipping through the torture zone. I'm not a fan of on-screen torture myself. It's almost always gratuitously sadistic and I just think it's rude to tie somebody to a chair. A lot of people are tied to a lot of chairs in this movie. I really wish that characters that find themselves in that position would just hand over the requested information and not be so ornery and antagonistic for my sake. Sassing makes everything more difficult for all involved. Spill the beans, dummy.
Christian (I know, pointed name considering the film's title right?) played by PETER MARSHALL (not the HOLLYWOOD SQUARES guy) is a dad who learns his daughter is dead. Her drugged-up, contaminated remains were just sort of dumped like trash by an anonymous person. His grief is thrown another whammy when he receives a VHS porn tape in the mail with his daughter featured in it, clearly out of her mind on drugs and being abused by a group of men. It's pretty gross. Christian, who fittingly works in pest control, grabs a toolbox and hits the road on a rampage, inflicting retribution to all those involved. I'm not saying his way of going about things is right but I'm not totally against it either. Karma is always sitting down on the job so sometimes you have to give it a little push…with a crowbar.
What raises THE HORSEMAN above the standard comeuppance flick is its commitment to examining a man's emotional pain in between skull cracking sessions. First time director STEVEN KASTRISSIOS displays real talent and thankfully he nabbed a superior actor to join him. MARSHALL is great in this and even if you find his actions questionable, you'll never doubt the intensity of his mournful rage. Along his travels Christian encounters a lonely hitchhiker not unlike his daughter named Alice (CAROLINE MAROHASY) and their relationship allows for even more of his humanity to emerge. When Alice inadvertently (and perhaps unavoidably) gets tangled in Christian's campaign of violence, a whole new level of discomfort for poor me is reached.
THE HORSEMAN is on the harsh side (I could have lived without the several instances of penis abuse) but I have to give it props nonetheless. I enjoy my violence a smidge more cartoon-y, but I do appreciate the film's reluctance to simplify physical anguish and give the viewer an easy out. There are no easy ways out here. The point is clearly made that it is more than Christian's ego that has been damaged and more than his pride that has been taken away. He let his daughter down and now he faces a tsunami of guilt that can't be bashed away. I guess the truth is, most Dads fuck up. None can completely shield their children from the dangerous world. I picked this film to celebrate the dads that are THERE anyway, the ones that show up to make the mistakes. The ones that at least TRY to give their kids a better life than they had. Christian isn't going to win any Father of the Year awards any time soon, but hey, he cares. That deserves at least a card or maybe a monogrammed crowbar.
NOTE: Happy Father's Day to my dad who is in the hospital (don't worry he is fine and will be out soon)! As far as I know he is not in the hospital for getting in fights with hooligans on my behalf but he is a super cool guy (imagine THE GREAT SANTINI crossed with Ted Baxter) anyway. Happy Father's Day!
Creepy Crawly Funhouse!
First came the back-to-back ARACHNOPHOBIA traumafessions, then I found crazy cabbage worms chomping on my garden! Now I can't stop itching! My current feelings can best be expressed with an all-bug FUNHOUSE! Now, I know all the creatures in today's FUNHOUSE flicks are not actually bugs but I don't have time to count legs and look these things up in fancy science books. If it ain't got fur then it ain't that cute and it needs to stand down and back the cuss up! Can you identify the creepy crawly movies below? One smart cookie will win an XXL Kindertrauma T-shirt for trying!
Special Report :: Christmas TV History's Joanna Wilson on "Edith's Crisis of Faith"
"Edith's Crisis of Faith" features the character Beverly LaSalle, a transvestite and female impersonator, played by Lori Shannon. Beverly appeared in two earlier AITF episodes, "Archie the Hero" in 1975 and "Beverly Rides Again" in 1976. A friend of the family, Beverly returns to the Bunker home in "Edith's Crisis of Faith" in order to invite them to her scheduled performance at the prestigious Carnegie Hall the week before Christmas. The Bunkers are happy to see Beverly and accept her invitation while Edith, who considers Beverly to be "like family," returns the gesture and invites the performer to Christmas dinner at the Bunker home.
What comes next is disturbing and unexpected. Though the action takes place off camera, we learn that son-in-law Mike Stivic and Beverly are mugged. Eventually we see Mike in the hospital in bandages–he was beaten but will be fine. Mike describes the mugging saying that Beverly had successfully defended him against the gang of violent attackers but then the gang turned on Beverly with a lead pipe. Mike says, "I guess they figured out what he was and they just started smashing him with the pipe." A doctor tells Edith and Archie in the waiting room that Beverly has died. "Just because he was different," Gloria later adds. The rest of "Part 1" sees Edith numb in her grief at Christmas time.
The storyline continues into the following episode "Edith's Crisis of Faith, Part 2" where we see more fully how deeply Edith is affected by the death of her dear friend. Not only is Edith unable to put aside her grief, she finds she can't even be happy at Christmas for the sake of her two year-old grandson Joey. Even worse, Edith who is usually a person of unwavering faith now questions her belief in a God that would allow someone as kind, gentle and good as Beverly be so tragically murdered. She won't go to church at Christmas and even suggests that she may never go back. Archie encourages her to return to church but Edith's disillusioned response is: "Why? What good does it do?" Edith's family is beside themselves trying to cheer her up but Edith is inconsolable. She even runs out of the room when Archie offers a prayer over the family's Christmas dinner. Eventually, Mike is the only one able to offer any comfort to Edith. Mike reminds her that we can't always understand everything. Though Mike's answer is simple, he is actually making a complex point that a crime such as this is beyond reasonableness–it may never make sense. Watching a character as gentle and decent as Edith suffer so terribly is torturous and emotionally draining.
What many may find difficult here is that this deeply emotional and tragic episode occurs at Christmas–the one time of year most people want to feel uplifted, optimistic and hopeful. That may be the exact point the writers of this episode may have been communicating–juxtaposing this sad episode with the usual bright spirit of the holiday. It also makes it difficult to re-watch year after year as we all so often do with Christmas TV sitcom episodes.
However, the tone of this painful episode is handled correctly. AITF had perfected the appropriate manner in which to handle the sensitive issues of the day in previous episodes that dealt with topics such as racism, bigotry, war, politics, cancer, and more button-pushing issues one wouldn't immediately associate with family sitcoms. Even other Christmas episodes of AITF took on hot topics such as Edith's breast cancer scare, the divorce of Gloria and Mike, and my favorite: 1976's "The Draft Dodger" where Mike's friend, a draft dodger on the run, comes to Christmas dinner to share a table with Archie's friend who's son was just killed in Vietnam.
Yet, Christmas may just be the most appropriate time of year to remind ourselves of our desire for a world filled with peace. Hate crimes such as these unfortunately still exist and occur all too frequently. Part of what makes AITF such a groundbreaking show is the fact that its take on subjects such as this are still relevant today. Perhaps the depth of emotion felt in "Edith's Crisis of Faith" can serve as an annual reminder to grab our loved ones even closer and find compassion and acceptance for everyone.
Though a situation comedy, the jokes are never at the expense of the social issue but are aimed squarely at the insensitive fool, Archie Bunker. This show so successfully tackled social issues that many other TV series in the 1970s and 1980s went on to try to do the same thing with varying degrees of success.
UNK SEZ: Thanks so much Joanna for sharing such a wonderful post! I have a strong recollection of this episode as well and you really captured what made it so memorable.
Folks, not only is Joanna one of Kindertrauma's favorite people in general but she is also the author of the books THE CHRISTMAS TV COMPANION and 'TIS THE SEASON TV. You can pay her a visit at her official home base CHRISTMAS TV HISTORY!
