kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Hatchet 2

Posted on By unkle lancifer

As someone who requires a heavy body count in my entertainment diet, I appreciated ADAM GREEN's first HATCHET movie for its direct approach. It didn't have an original bone in it's corpse but at least it was committed to reveling in gore and rejected the sport of leading the viewer on. A cinematic slasher booty-call, the bloody goods were available for the taking if you were willing to forgo anything deep. The objective may have been to provide a loving throwback to classic eighties slasher films, but the end result was more of an echoing of the fun but diluted sequels that followed them. That's not a jab really, I think I'd take a low budget salute to FRIDAY THE 13th PART WHATEVER over the big budget remake any day of the week. If you want to take me on a walk down VHS memory lane you better be willing to get gritty, get bloody and most importantly drop the gloss. HATCHET II is no improvement over GREEN's first trip to the swamp but it may be slightly more worthwhile. Don't thank GREEN for that though, thank DANIELLE HARRIS.

HATCHET II, like any considerate sequel, begins at the exact point the first movie ended but miraculously, through the art of behind the scenes severed relationships, DANIELLE HARRIS replaces TAMARA FELDMAN as the surviving lead. What that means is that if you're looking for an objective review of HATCHET II, you have to go elsewhere on account of I might dig it somewhat on the HARRIS factor alone. Say what you will about GREEN (and I will shortly), but he knows how to throw horror fans a bone or two. There's plenty of pander casting in the film already (TONY TODD, KANE HODDER, TODD HOLLAND et al.) but HARRIS (who was replaced once herself in HALLOWEEN 6: THE CURSE OF YOU KNOW WHO) carts around enough heavy duty meta-baggage to keep this sometimes annoying excursion afloat. Besides the fact that I just respect HARRIS for being a non-bimbo scream queen who embraces her horror heritage fully, she's pretty good in this. She's got a more determined aura than usual and even though it's a humorless role once you get a load of what passes for humor in this movie, you'll be thankful. The catharsis she brings to the film's conclusion is a long time coming and is grander than the film itself.

Remember a while back when I was singing the praises of the writing in GREEN's other effort FROZEN? Well, you needn't worry about a repeat of that. I didn't get the humor in this movie at all. It's alienating and crude and I suppose it could be considered another throwback to bygone days, but it's not really broad or winking enough to work as such. I'm thinking a sick goofy tone similar to the SLEEPAWAY CAMP films would have been perfect but there's nothing in HATCHET II nearly as clever. I don't have a particularly sophisticated joke palette, so believe me when I say in that area the film is a lead balloon factory employed by crickets. In other wonky writing news, there's a painfully long and boring assembling the troops scene and frankly, I expect my killer to not be dead a couple more times rather than an 86 minute runtime. I know that's a cliché but I was of the understanding that that was the point of all this. Maniac Crowley's final stomping out works as wish fulfillment if you ever wanted to see Annie topple Michael in ROB ZOMBIE's HALLOWEEN movies, but this venture is already hanging on too many coattails.

I may be asking too little of movies that sometimes my only requirement is to not feel like I've been mugged in an alley when the credits roll but that's where I'm at with HATCHET II. For me, there's a permeating odious glibness that insures I'll never be passionate about it but it earns a certain space of interest just by throwing every possible horror fan hand job against the wall and watching the Pavlovian puppies roll. Some of this stinks to high heaven, but GREEN is clearly making the film that he as a fan would like to see and I commend that; thankfully some of the stuff he wants to see I want to see too; that would be imaginative no holds barred gore and DANIELLE HARRIS. I'd give him a MERCEDES MCNAB star too but the hermaphrodite joke she's required to utter kind of cancels that out. I guess ultimately this sequel is serviceable filler if you're in need of the red stuff. GREEN's FROZEN makes me know better than to write him off completely but you might be better off not thinking of this as a real movie but more as a complacent, shrug-off goof with the bonus of an upgrade in the final girl department.

The Keep

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I always think I'm going to enjoy 1983's THE KEEP a little more than I actually do. I have such fond memories of reading F. PAUL WILSON's novel that I forget just how little of it actually properly made it to the screen. At least a good half of MICHAEL MANN's adaptation thoroughly convinces the viewer that they are witnessing something outstanding but where it fails, it fails hard. I'm not sure how much can be blamed on MANN's artistic tunnel vision and how much can be blamed on clumsy studio interference, but THE KEEP is a sometimes extraordinary looking achievement with massive, cavernous, jaw-droppy flaws. I'm rather in awe of the singular mood it achieves marrying gothic, fantasy and borderline sci-fi elements, but the story is not so much lost as blindfolded and assassinated and the acting swings from woodchip bland to absurdly clownish. I even had a sacrilegious thought during my recent viewing of THE KEEP, its rubber-suited monster made me wonder if CGI was such a bad thing after all.

The story finds a bunch of Nazis crashing a castle in Romania and setting up shop. The castle's volunteer custodian warns that staying the night is not advised. The Nazis, being bossy, pooh-pooh all cautions and end up all kinds of dead. We come to find that the massive stone structure is in actuality a prison housing a supernatural force whose nature is unclear. To some it is a vampiric like soul-sucker, to others it may be a protective, vengeful Golem. A mysterious purple-eyed stranger (SCOTT GLENN) shows up who is linked to the entity and a showdown between the two climaxes the tale.

WILSON's book has an expansive, mythic feel and speaks of the danger and temptation of fighting evil with evil that the film, for the most part, ignores. As intimidating as the castle's dark inhabitant may be, there's a seductive quality as well. You understand why someone might be compelled to swallow its untruths in a way absent from the film. I guess what's glaringly AWOL is the human element; the Nazis though well cast (JURGEN PROCHNOW & a young GABRIEL BYRNE) are flat caricatures, GLENN is a zombie and the father daughter team of IAN McKELLEN and ALBERTA WATSON are routinely unconvincing. The film is almost good looking enough to get away with its crater heart but not so gorgeous as to get away with a midstream switch from backstroke to doggie paddle. Multiple viewings help, but a hole is a hole.

THE KEEP has developed cult devotion over the years and I don't blame anyone for being utterly fascinated by this beautiful malfunction/gorgeous mistake. It's currently available on NETFLIX streaming and I recommend anybody who digs highly stylized eighties flicks to give it at least a look-see in its proper ratio as it has never been released on DVD. As a visual journey it succeeds in wowing the eyes and the counterintuitive soundtrack from TANGARINE DREAM is occasionally spellbinding.

I find myself with a bit of a love/hate attraction here. There's something so frustrating about watching this incredibly unique mood develop and then just dissipate before your eyes like smoke. Even though it loses steam and falls apart at the seams (and the monster often looks silly), it's distinctive enough (good luck finding another movie that mashes up German expressionist imagery with XANADU lasers) to be worthwhile. Gee, you know I'm getting frustrated just writing about this movie. Is it OK to appreciate something that fumbles regularly and not be ironic at all about it? I kind of like this movie and it kind of doesn't deserve it and that's the best I can explain it. What I can't explain at all is how MANN was able to milk such a wretched performance from IAN McKELLEN. That is between MIKE and IAN.

NOTE: There is a graphic novel written by F.PAUL WILSON and illustrated by MATTHEW DOW SMITH that visually captures the book without betraying the story and it's a must read if you ask me. It's crisp, clean and ends up as another reminder of what the film could have been. Rumor has it that there is a three hour plus director's cut of this movie in the universe too and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know that I would purchase and watch it the day it came out. I need help. You wanna talk films that deserve a remake? I'd put THE KEEP right on the top of my list.

Traumafessions :: Mike of What I Watched Last Night on The Child Molester

Posted on By unkle lancifer

What I was about to experience was so frightening that it would seem like a punishment. Mom was concerned about what we were both about to go through and it showed on her face. We were there to see a movie about two little girls who took candy from a stranger and got into his car. The ending was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen; the girls' bodies lay, sprawled on the ground, looking like lumps of bloody meat wrapped in children's clothing. The tiny actors were dressed like real murder victims, whose bloody crime scene photographs were used. The bloodied childrens' corpses drove home the point that THIS WAS NOT JUST A MOVIE, it was real.

I was never sure if this actually happened or was one of the frightening dreams I was prone to until I found it by accident on the Internet. My recollections were correct, even down to the clothes the children wore. The movie was called THE CHILD MOLESTER, a public service announcement made by the Highway Safety Foundation in 1964 and shown in elementary schools around America for several years to educate parents and children about the dangers of talking to strangers.

NOTE: For the expanded version of Mike's traumafession check out his blog WHAT I WATCHED LAST NIGHT!

UNK SEZ: Mike, thanks for your traumafession and for informing us about this scary public service movie. I made the colossal mistake of watching it HERE and it's one of the creepiest things I have ever seen. I can't believe they showed this movie to kids!

I can understand them showing it to parents as a way to ensure they talk to their children about these matters, but showing that movie to kids is insane! The images at the end are completely indefensible. From what I read, you are part of a small unfortunate club as the film was pulled from circulation by the HIGHWAY SAFETY FOUNDATION shortly (and rightfully) after its release.

Now, thanks to you, I must now watch an episode of THE GILMORE GIRLS to counter the effects of what I have witnessed.

The Initiation of Sarah (1978)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

THE INITIATION OF SARAH (1978) may be wearing CARRIE's hand me downs but I don't think that's such a damnable thing. There are worse fates than knowing exactly what to expect from a movie and can there ever be too many stories about psychic nerd revenge? Being born for television broadcast prevents SARAH from going hog wild or stomping on too many toes. You'll find no skewering of religious fanaticism here; pigs blood is replaced by mud (and rotten tomatoes) and a sweaty work out will have to do as a stand in for sex. BRIAN DePALMA's classic needn't fret being usurped by this imitator anytime soon but let's be real here, there's only one movie in the world that features the unsinkable SHELLEY WINTERS and employs two of the world's most notable MORGANs (We're talking FAIRCHILD and BRITTANY.) Yes, this also-ran may as well be titled THE IMITATION OF CARRIE but it endures thanks to its fetching cast.

KAY LENZ (who will later star with CARRIE alum WILLIAM KATT in 1986's HOUSE) is our wallflower Sarah. She's a real uggo I guess on account of she wears oversize sweaters. We understand that Sarah is special from the first scene when she stops her more socially acceptable stepsister Patty (BRITTANY) from being raped ten feet in front of her on a beach. Rather than merely yelling "Hey, stop raping my sister in front of me!" Sarah uses her crazy power to knock the guy on his ass. INITIATION may fall infinity short of the emotional depths to be found in BRIAN DePALMA's take on STEPHEN KING's novel but the relationship between these two sisters, one with the opportunity for larger acceptance and one without, is actually pretty interesting in a BASKET CASE kind of way. In fact, Sarah's interactions with others may be what ultimately rescues this movie from the superfluous retread zone.

Once in college, Patty is accepted by a highfalutin, snobby sorority lead by tweezer-faced glamorpuss Jennifer (the FAIRCHILD) and Sarah is relegated to a dumpy sorority of theoretically drab outcasts. We're lead to believe that Patty is the fortunate one in this scenario, but I beg to differ. I admit that the idea of FAIRCHILD forcing me to don hobo drag and beg for change has always been a fantasy of mine but I still think Sarah receives the better deal. She gets to live in a gothic mansion helmed by creepy Mrs. Hunter (brilliantly insane WINTERS) and her roommates include Alberta "Mouse" (Italian horror staple TISA FARROW of ZOMBIE & the underrated says me, THE GRIM REAPER), butch, Izod clad Allison (slick chick TALIA BALSAM of the underrated says me THE KINDRED), and groovy Barbara ( Yay! Plunger gal NORA HEFLIN of the BLAIR-tastic BORN INNOCENT!) For all of Sarah's supposed awkwardness, she's also often seen canoodling heavily with dreamy assistant teacher Paul Yates (future MY BODYGUARD director TONY BILL.) Add to all that gravy the fact that Sarah has coveted psychic powers and I'm hardly convinced that hers is the sticky end of the lollipop. All Patty gets is the opportunity to watch Jennifer manipulate DONNA PESCOW's future squeeze ROBERT HAYS. (Yes, that's an ANGIE reference. Holla, Philly!)

Anyways, Patty and Sarah's sororities have a long history of hating on each other and it puts a giant wedge in their once simpatico relationship. Eventually Sarah starts developing a backbone and throwing grand pianos at her sister and dunking bitch Jennifer in a fountain. Her new found moxie is an inspiration to her sorority sisters and to her house mother who wisely decides to harness Sarah's hate to put an end to the rivalry but unwisely decides to use beloved Mouse as a human sacrifice in a garden maze ritual. Ultimately many things catch on fire and FAIRCHILD's face gets crusty.

If you are looking for simple entertainment, INITIATION is a fluffy success. It's a veritable late night classic and the scene involving FAIRCHILD's fountain comeuppance is highly memorable and plenty o' fun. Still, it's unquestionably undercooked and rough around the edges. I'm convinced that SHELLEY's character is, in fact Sarah's real mom, but for some reason that revelation is never exploited or properly addressed. I'm also of the thinking that SHELLEY's witchcraft is the cause of an injury that befalls "Mouse" but we're never allotted any acknowledgment or evidence in that area either and that would have helped too. Unable to fall back on gore or sex, the television movie's major strength comes in the form of characterization and story and these needlessly dropped threads leave a major dent.

This is a fun movie but there's no reason why it couldn't be more effective too. Unlike CARRIE's ultimate end, SARAH's feels strangely unfinished and substantially less satisfying. INITIATION may know whom to follow but it doesn't seem to understand why or where. As I said though, you do get WINTERS and two, count em', two legendary MORGANs and that ain't hay. Too bad SARAH is so oblivious to just how good she's got it.

NOTE:: This review is an important part of a nutritious breakfast AND it's a part of the FINAL GIRL FILM CLUB. For more on SARAH look HERE!