kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Robert Culp In Spectre!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

ROBERT CULP passed away yesterday at the age of 79. Although he gained notoriety for his work alongside BILL COSBY in I SPY, most of my generation may more fondly recall his presence in THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO where he partnered up with WILLIAM KATT (CARRIE, HOUSE). CULP also appeared in the classic HARLAN ELLISON penned episode of THE OUTER LIMITS "The Glass Hand" and the (kindertraumatic) television pilot SPECTRE. Produced by GENE RODDENBERRY, SPECTRE starred CULP as William Sebastion an occult detective who travels to England to uncover a satanic cult. Much as in the case of 1973's THE NORLISS TAPES, SPECTRE left a lasting impression on those who caught it on television regardless of the fact that it failed to go to series. (Interestingly, in England, SPECTRE, with the help of a few added scenes of nudity, played theaters.)

HEADS UP: I'm not sure how long it will be there but currently you can catch SPECTRE on YouTube HERE. Why not honor this beloved actor's passing by checking it out. Besides spying a young JOHN HURT (ALIEN), you'll also notice that the relationship between CULP's Sebastian and GIG YOUNG's Dr. Ham Hamilton not only tips a hat toward Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson, but paves some road for the future Mulder & Scully!

The House That Would Not Die

Posted on By unkle lancifer

AARON SPELLING produced television movies don't grow on trees. Well, actually I guess they kind of do but I for one have never met one I didn't like. You may have to take my reviews of seventies T.V. movies with a grain of salt kids because I'm just a big push over for them. I watched THE HOUSE THAT WOULD NOT DIE (1970) at around five in the morning and what can I say, I was as happy as a clam who just married a pig in slop. Yes it's as hokey as your grandma's doily and about as provocative as a READER's DIGEST cover, but it has magical time traveling power! The melodramatic music, the over estimation of the effectiveness of slo-mo, the canned wind sound effects, the cocoa and copper hues and the general graininess of it all, was somehow able to successfully transport your Unk back a couple decades. The only thing missing was my mother yelling downstairs to tell me to "Turn that off and go to bed!"

THE HOUSE THAT WOULD NOT DIE is based on a novel called AIMEE COME HOME by popular supernatural author BARBARA MICHAELS. It stars the one and only BARBARA STANWYCK as Ruth Bennet, a lady whose hairdo looks just like a bowl of popcorn and so I made a bowl of popcorn. Ruth has inherited a creepy house which she moves into along with her niece Sarah (hooray, it's KITTY WINN from THE EXORCIST!) Both ladies immediately land age appropriate boyfriends and then decide to have a séance. The séance is a success because the spirit world is indeed contacted but also a disaster because a couple of the participants are left possessed by ghosts. Sarah is possessed by some girl named Aimee and Ruth's sexily named boyfriend Pat McDougal (RICHARD EGAN), is possessed by Aimee's pissed off Dad. What is the secret of this house that won't die? Like most secrets the answer lies beyond a false wall in the basement. I have no idea why people don't check there first!

I have to say this movie with all its talk about Revolutionary War era ghosts got my hopes up that there might be an appearance by the FUNKY PHANTOM but alas he never showed. Instead, what we get is a painting that keeps falling into the fireplace and a front row seat to hapless Ruth being manhandled by her possessed boyfriend and strangled by her possessed niece. Additionally, an inordinate amount of time is spent in the town's "Hall of Records." Again people, forget the Hall of Records! The secret is always in the basement, what do you think basements are for? THE HOUSE THAT WOULD NOT DIE's scares may be softer than bunny fur but it's got a general spooky atmosphere that works nonetheless. (I know perfectly well that it would have scared the crap out of me as a kid.) Ruth's nightmares of Sarah calling for help are particularly eerie.

The climax which involves EGAN's possession momentarily upgrading to super bananas is short lived but convincing enough thanks to the fact that EGAN is kind of scary even when not being host to a contentious ghost. Gorehounds and folks under 70 may want to run in the opposite direction of this one but if you're up for quiet granny scares this just might be the hooch for your hot toddy. Grab a shawl.

NOTE: Any shame I may have felt for enjoying this creaky chestnut has been erased by finding out it was directed by JOHN LLEWELLYN MOXEY, the same guy who made CITY OF THE DEAD a.k.a. HORROR HOTEL (1960) one of my favorite black and white horror films . If you're looking for something to do today… watch HOUSE HERE and HOTEL HERE! Or you can come clean out my garage; I'll pay ya a quarter!

Traumafessions/Name That Trauma :: Reader Nicholas of Norway on Urban Legend & a Cross Dressing Beach Bum

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Thank you for this amazing site that I discovered all the way from Norway. I love reading about all those slasher flicks and the so-bad-they-are-good T.V.-movies. The way you write makes me laugh out loud.

But I do have a bone to pick with you.

Loving everything that's old with a twist, I got my hands on a copy of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, after reading about it on your site. I finally convinced my friend, who really isn't into old slashers at all to see it with me; "Just wait for the ending," I told him.

We were amazed, and not in a good way. It stuck in my head for all the wrong reasons. I could not care less about the characters, as they didn't do a good job in my opinion. We laughed hard throughout the movie, and when the twist came up, we laughed even harder. We didn't see it coming, but it was disappointing. They way you were praising it I thought it was up there with SLEEPAWAY CAMP, but it was not even close.

Now I will use all my convincing-powers to make him see APRIL FOOL'S DAY instead. I think the movies are similar, but A.F.D. being the better one. Better acting, better murders, scarier and a much better twist!

Now, over to my kinder trauma. I'm 26 years old, and saw URBAN LEGEND in the theatre; it's the scene at the gas station where she drives off only to see the killer in her backseat with an axe, killing her off. That has traumatized me to levels I don't even know if I can explain. (I left my car at the movie theatre, and took the subway home for starters.) To this day, the first thing I check when I get in a car is the back seat, and if it has a lot of clothes, etc. I have to lift them up to see that the killer isn't waiting for me under the pile. If I'm driving alone at night, I can start panicking because I think I see a hand in the backseat, so I have to pull over and make sure. Damn that movie, it surely has scared me for life.

I have a movie I have been looking forever for, it's an ‘80s romantic movie. It's about a girl who is a lesbian I think, and she dresses up as a boy so that she can date this girl. Then in the last scene, at a beach, it's revealed that she has boobs, and really is a girl. I badly want to see this movie again, so please help. I do think it has slasher elements as well. Anyone?

Thanks,

Nicholas.

UNK SEZ: Nicholas, where to start?

1. Thanks for your kind words.

2. How does one not enjoy HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME? I know that the ending makes zero sense but what about the shish kabob murder? Did you guys even listen to the theme song at the end? It's the best theme song EVER!

3. Why are you keeping company with someone who, "really isn't into old slashers"? What kind of person is that? I think that questionable character must have swayed your opinion on H.B.T.M.!

4. I know that you are a rational person because you understand the glory of SLEEPAWAY CAMP and APRIL FOOL'S DAY so I have faith that you can still be saved and learn to appreciate HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

5. I like the opening of URBAN LEGEND too! BRAD DOURIF as the gas station attendant, NATASHA GREGSON WAGNER (MODERN VAMPIRES!) as the girl in the car and BONNIE TYLER singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" on the radio. "Turn around bright eyes…" good stuff! I don't think it's quite scary enough to inspire me to take the subway home, but maybe in Norway you guys have nicer subways. Here in Philly, it's actually safer to get in a car with an axe murderer in the back seat than to take the subway. (I kid!)

6. I have no idea what you're talking about as far as this cross dressing beach flasher goes, maybe one of our readers does. I'm just going to pretend you are talking about the best movie ever made, JUST ONE OF THE GUYS on account of I just want to bring up JUST ONE OF THE GUYS. The only thing missing from JUST ONE OF THE GUYS is a good shish kabob kill!

NOTE: Speaking of "Total Eclipse of the Heart," try not to love this…

[REC] 2 is Decent, DESCENT:PART 2 is a Wreck!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

You're courting heartbreak when your expectation for a movie sequel is for it to hit the nail on the head in the same manor as the original. It's almost a built in impossibility, if it were easy to capture lightning in a jar, the films they were sequel-izing wouldn't have been so special in the first place. Two of the last decades strongest, most competent horror flicks [REC] and THE DESCENT have sprouted highly anticipated continuations. Both take off just where their predecessor landed, both expose a startling development (the same development actually) and both falter in capitalizing on that development's full potential. I can't say either film is without entertainment value, they both keep your attention and deliver at least a few good gotcha moments, but (don't kill the messenger!) these two comrades in the art of diminishing returns are likely to leave fans longing for their original's sting. In my opinion, [REC] 2 fares better than THE DESCENT: PART 2 due to that fact that even though it sometimes feels like a diluted shadow of its former self, it's at least never outright boneheaded.

Directors JUAME BALAGUERO and PACO PLAZA who delivered the first [REC] are no slouches; they know exactly what they're doing and exactly how to make you squirm. In this installment we follow a SWAT team and a priest who have entered the infested, quarantined apartment building from the first film. As this is our second venture into the address, we're admittedly signing up to learn more. Unfortunately a lot of the first film's strength was derived from our confusion, we're braced this time and have an inkling of what to expect. The original [REC] only implied an evasive supernatural cause to the horror but now those muddied waters clear. I can't say that [REC] 2 isn't riveting and frenetic but with its leaning more toward action oriented tropes and its more focused view of the situation, it kind of looses the peaking through a keyhole into hell aspect that packed the original's cinder block fist.

We end up with a sort of well oiled, modern retelling of LAMBERTO BAVA's DEMONS 2, which is not a bad thing at all, just don't expect to pee your pants. I don't know, maybe this film's biggest crime is just being second in the series. The bottom line is, the first [REC] haunted the hell out of me where this sequel works merely as a reasonably thrilling jaunt. Maybe I should be thankful.

So what's THE DESCENT: PART 2's excuse? The filmmakers were able to bring back SHAUNA MACDONALD who was so good in the first movie, they were able to impressively duplicate the look of that film from its rolling forests to its claustrophobic caverns and yet nobody thought it might be a good idea to double check the script? I just want to grab a big red pen and cross out most of what is done here story wise. Somehow I was able to FORCE myself to swallow the set-up, which involves the police dragging a heavily medicated trauma patient from her hospital bed and back to the location of her ordeal, I felt I owed the first movie that much. Little did I know that was merely the idiot appetizer of a four-course moron meal and a dumb as dirt dessert.

I don't want to spoil anything, this movie needs all the help it can get but if you've seen it already, can I just say that the sloppy, obvious bit with the handcuffs infuriated me? What a ridiculously blaring set up for a lazy, not worth it pay off. Truly, I'm insulted. There's a lagging, lackluster effort to conceive an emotional aerial view martyr death finale (ala ALIEN 3) but I felt so mishandled by that point that it came off like an awkward pass from someone who should just go to bed. Ugh and ugh and furthermore, UGH!!!

O.K. I admit, I jumped a couple times but I expected more for this series. I feel like I just married off my favorite daughter to the most feeble-minded dolt in town. Worse still is the epilogue, which I can only describe as a cinematic Dirty Sanchez.

I'm not saying you shouldn't see these two films, REC 2 is pretty good, it's just not possessed by Satan himself like the first one was and THE DESCENT 2 is kind of fun in a ditzy straight to DVD piece of utter crap sort of way. Just keep your expectations low (in DESCENT 2's case VERY low, as in place the limbo pole on the floor) and remember your Unk warned you. Meanwhile, I'll still be wondering why the female mole person in THE DESCENT: PART 2 (or "crawler", who really cares anymore?) has long hair. Seriously, I'm surprised they didn't put a little red bow in it.

Monster-Mania Con 14

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey look it's me, your Unkle Lancifer standing next to his hero TOM ATKINS star of such classics as THE FOG, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH and NIGHT OF THE CREEPS! Now, normally I'm a bit apprehensive about meeting my idols, I'm kind of scared that they'll let me down in some way (plus, there's the infamous LORI SINGER facial tick fiasco of ‘82 to consider) but in the case of MR. ATKINS, I just knew he was going to be as genuine and down to earth as he appears on screen and I was 100% correct.

To me, TOM ATKINS has always represented the unheralded coolness of the unpretentious everyman. In his finest roles he's down on his luck, in the wrong place at the wrong time yet perfectly willing to step up to the plate and save the day. He's the hero risking his life intuitively with zero interest in compensation or recognition for his efforts. I can't say that I've ever fully understood the ritual of hand shaking until I met this guy; after growing up with his films and learning to appreciate them further still as an adult, it was just a genuine honor to shake his hand. I met MR. ATKINS at the Monstermania convention in Jersey last Saturday and even though he was my main inspiration for traipsing out during a near hurricane, he was to be the first of several exceptional folks that I was lucky enough to hobnob with.

So I'm sitting at the hotel bar with Aunt John drinking a beer (as designated driver A.J. is responsibly drinking cola) and who should plop right down next to me and order lunch but NEIL AFFLECK "Axel" from MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981)! Now, if you've seen the film you know Axel is the guy doing the killing, so I'm basically sitting next to Harry Warden himself! Don't worry, I let him eat his lunch in peace but before it arrived I talked his ear off. He told me how much he loved the town they filmed the movie in; that he thought the remake was good; that his daughter has now seen both versions and even about the time his car broke down in a Texas snow storm. NEIL now works in animation and has directed episodes of FAMILY GUY and THE SIMPSONS. He's a super modest, salt of the earth type of guy and a joy to talk to. He was really happy that the remake had brought new attention to the classic film but I informed him that there were many of us who were already crazy about M.B.V. I stopped just short of confessing that the release of the uncut DVD was kinda sorta the high point of my existence on account of I didn't want him to think (know) that I was a weirdo.

Now hours later I'm up at the bar again ordering another beer (don't judge) and a coke for A.J. and this handsome cat is standing next to me and it's STEVE MARSHALL from NIGHT OF THE CREEPS!!! (I swear Aunt John, he said hi to me first!) I told him how much I dug the extras on the recent DVD and how I noticed the obvious camaraderie between he and fellow stars JASON LIVELY and JILL WHITLOW. He said that they really are all best friends and that he and JASON love to tease JILL. In fact he revealed that while on a recent pit-stop into Philly for cheesesteaks they were able to convince her that all of the horses pulling carriages in the city were mechanical robots built by Walt Disney. (Sorry, JILL but that one is too good not to repeat!) Anyway STEVE was a blast to talk to and very funny, so much so that when I left him at the bar I totally forgot to grab the coke I ordered for Aunt John…oops.

Now, you'd think that would be enough to institute a red letter day but there's more. The truth is Aunt John and I knew we were going to be in good company for the festivities because we were meeting our pals TENEBROUS KATE & BARON from LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE (it will make you diabetic if I tell you how we feel about those two, so I'll skip it.) There we all were laughing it up when I spy JOHNNY BOOTS the overlord of FREDDY IN SPACE who I recognize immediately from his Horror Blips avatar. He tells us he's there to meet GEOF from the swell blog ENTER THE MAN CAVE. Hey, we know GEOF, he's a past traumafessor!

Soon we're all gathered round the table swapping stories about the convention and forging a makeshift legion of doom. It was gratifying to be around fellow bloggers that I admire and to see everybody's die hard enthusiasm shining through. I have to thank that impromptu group for helping me reestablish why I enjoy blogging so much in the first place, nobody was there to compete or debate it was all about basking in our collective horror fanaticism. Even with our widely divergent tastes, we were all there for one thing and one thing only, the love of the genre.

I know there are those who question the validity of blogging in general, (who are these blogging people and why should I care what they think?) They might even try to pull rank and suggest that blogs are inferior to flashy websites or ye olde printed page but I say they're just kicking up dust. All I know is that when I was growing up I had exactly ONE other friend who felt the same way I did about horror movies, ONE other friend who read FANGORIA and stayed up late to watch anything that even remotely resembled a horror film, ONE other person who knew what the hell I was talking about. Now I talk to countless people every week about horror movies and we at kindertrauma get emails from all over the world. Blogging allows a two way street paved on an even playing field that other mediums and means of communication can only envy. As E.M. FORSTER once twittered "Only connect." So here is a picture of me and TOM ATKINS, where once I only had only ONE person to share it with, I now thankfully have all of you.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Is it possible for Kindertrauma to celebrate St. Patrick's Day without bringing up either LEPRECHAUN or DARBY O'GILL AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE? I thought not, but then your brilliant Aunt John came up with the brainstorm of ST. PATTY DUKE DAY! You read that right; today we celebrate the work of Hollywood legend PATTY DUKE.

This once child star went on to win an Oscar and multiple Emmys, she recorded gold records, wrote best selling books, she became the president of the Screens Actor's Guild and she was an early activist for mental health issues particularly bipolar disorder. If that's not enough, she can also lay claim to doing the horizontal hokey pokey with Gomez Addams (JOHN ASTIN).

Her progeny have gone on to star in motion pictures both small (THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY) and large (THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE.) Luckily for traumatots everywhere, over the decades DUKE has also done her fair share of work (mostly for television) in our favorite genre. Let's take a look at some of the great horrors glittering in St. PATTY's pot of gold!

YOU'LL LIKE MY MOTHER (1972)

This one sure plays like a seventies television movie but truth is, it actually did get a limited theatrical run. Based on a novel by NOAMI A. HINTZ, this colder than a shamrock shake thriller finds a preggo DUKE crashing into the ultimate ice queen mother-in-law (ROSEMARY MURPHY) with nail chomping suspense as a result. Modern viewers may find the pace slower than a glacier thaw but if you stick around till the end you will witness RICHARD "John Boy Walton" THOMAS giving ANTHONY PERKINS a run for his money in the twisted momma's boy department. Perfect for a snowy night couch ride if you are able to track down the out-of-print VHS tape.

LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY'S BABY (1976)

Forget the baby, look what's happened to Rosemary; she's turned into PATTY DUKE! Eight years after the legendary film ROSEMARY'S BABY left theaters, a television sequel surfaced just in time to cash in on recent theatrical hit THE OMEN. Yes, it's a major step down from its predecessor but if it makes you feel any better, ROSEMARY author IRA LEVIN's own stab at continuing the tale SON OF ROSEMARY, was pretty dang awful too. This boob tube mish-mash would try the patience of any saint but you certainly can't blame whoever was in charge of casting! Look for future PONTYOOL star STEPHEN McHATTIE as the title kid all grown up and ready to glam rock, check out RAY MILLAND filling in for SIDNEY BLACKMER as RUTH GORDON's creepy Castevet hubby, and hey, you even get a well deserved dose of TINA LOUISE.

I caught this one on T.V. when I was growing up and although I don't think I stayed awake for the whole crazy affair I remember being truly scared by the scene where Rosemary takes a ride to nowhere, trapped inside a satanic bus (is there any other kind?)

CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW (1977)

Director DAN CURTIS (TRILOGY OF TERROR, BURNT OFFERINGS) is nothing less than a kindertrauma legend, nearly everything he touches turns to gold. CURSE OF THE BLACK WIDOW will never be considered his shiniest coin, but who are we to say no to a Reagley-Beagley look at seventies pick up bars, especially when said bars are being preyed upon by a man-eater who transforms into a giant spider! Could PATTY who plays DONNA MILLS uptight, spinster-y twin sister be in the center of this sticky web? Let's just say DUKE has some great gams…eight to be exact.

THE BABYSITTER (1980)

Hold on to your man PATTY DUKE even if he is WILLIAM SHATNER! STEPHANIE ZIMBALIST plays a 19-year-old home wrecking babysitter (you'd be riled too if you had to sit for QUINN CUMMINGS!) in this ahead of its time predatory usurper tale. Can PATTY keep her perfect nest from being picked apart by a younger chickie? Will drinking heavily and throwing furniture help? DUKE releases her cuckoo Kraken in this darker than you think, double cheese classic. Extra points rewarded for providing a resting spot for JOHN HOUSEMAN between THE FOG and GHOST STORY.

AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES (1989)

It says a lot about the overall quality of THE AMITYVILLE HORROR franchise that this installment, which involves a haunted lamp, is far from the worst in the so-called series. Oh, it's pretty terrible, but unlike some of the others, it makes up for its lack of common sense with an irresistible onslaught of high camp hilarity. It may not be good but damn if it isn't entertaining.

DUKE is recent widower Nancy Evans who, strapped for cash, uproots her three intolerable children and moves in with her mother (JAYNE WYATT). Unbeknownst to all is the fact that Grammy just accepted a gift straight from an Amityville garage sale, complete with an evil entity stowaway poised to cause havoc! This devil faced, coat rack looking lamp is so devious that it somehow recruits all of the homes other appliances in its sinister crusade against the family. Frustratingly though, it's only the hired help and a luckless parakeet who die horrible deaths.

Maybe that's how it should be, DUKE has taken on and conquered more in her real life than anything thrown at her in AMITYVILLE 4. As soon as she gets a grasp of what's going on, there can only be one conclusion and that's lights out lamp! It's a testament to PATTY's professionalism that even when knee deep in hokum she plows forward delivering the same amount of gusto she would any role. Inanimate objects beware.

This is merely a handful of DUKE's output, she appeared in the bee-movie disaster THE SWARM (more on that one another day), the REAR WINDOW T.V. wannabe 1974's NIGHTMARE and she guest starred on spooky series like THE SIXTH SENSE, GHOST STORY and NIGHT GALLERY.

PATTY's episode of NIGHT GALLERY "Diary" is one of my favorites as she portrays a bitchy gossip columnist who gets a delicious comeuppance. Give yourself a St. PATTY's Day treat by watching it below on HULU. Make sure you stick around after DUKE's segment to see CESAR ROMERO as Dracula, HELL NIGHT's VINCE VAN PATTEN taking on JOHN CARRADINE in the RICHARD MATHESON penned "Big Surprise" and lastly, CARL REINER in a classic salute to H.P. LOVECRAFT where he literally turns green!

HAPPY ST. PATTY DUKE DAY TO ALL!

Alice In Wonderland (2010)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Maybe it's just beyond the capabilities of mankind to produce a truly faithful film adaptation of LEWIS CARROLL's phantasmic nonsense dispenser ALICE IN WONDERLAND. Many have tried and many have failed. At best you usually end up with something that resembles a very long Ronald McDonaldland commercial and at worst you find yourself confronted by the never should be spoken in the same breath talents of SHERMAN HEMSLEY and CAROL CHANNING. You'd think that marrying director TIM BURTON to the material would be the perfect solution but then you remember that BURTON is a "genius" which is code for, "no longer has the ability to self-edit." I've always thought that the best, most faithful realization of CARROLL's vision could be found in the inserts created by JIM HENSON for the underappreciated 1985 film DREAMCHILD and really, the new DISNEY doused incarnation of Wonderland does little to challenge my theory.

As much as BURTON can be relied upon to deliver impressive visuals, you can also bet on the fact that the story is going to be as directionless as a windup toy and that he will inject at least one scene that is off the charts embarrassing (can you say victory break dance?) 2010's ALICE IN WONDERLAND is at times, splendid to behold but the constant clashing of styles, tone, texture and perspective can be headache inducing as well. For me, the lush, organic exteriors worked the best, whereas the more synthetic looking interiors held no weight at all. There is some beautiful stuff to take in for sure but at some point I do believe my eyeballs just started feeling queasy. You know there's a problem if you start entertaining the idea of shoving Alka-Seltzer tablets into your retinas. Between you and me though, as tacky as the Spencer's gift shop aesthetic can sometimes be, I'd be lying if I didn't at times think that the film would be fun to watch with my long lost college girlfriend Mary Jane.

Operating for the most part as an unofficial sequel, ALICE finds our once curiouser and curiouser moppet about to potentially loose herself to a loveless marriage at the age of 19. (Alice is played by the pretty and pouty MIA WASIKOWSKA…hey, didn't KATHLEEN TURNER star in a movie about her once?) Props are deserved for the all too rare, girl-power message. Alice gets the chance to yield a sword and slay a dragon (or Jabberwocky) and rather than simply let that stand as a physical act of strength, it's also made clear that she is fighting to keep her imagination and sense of self alive. I just wish that theme could have been better sewn throughout the entire tale rather than just cushioning the beginning and ending like a pair of fluffy earmuffs. Instead, the force fed creamy center of this tasty cake is plagued by a backlash-baiting JOHNNY DEPP whose Mad Hatter character seems hell bent on claiming the spotlight as his own. JOHNNY is yet another "genius" who needs to get a grip. His performance is so uneven and inconsistent that you get the idea that he approached the role based on passing daily whims. (Sorry, but DEPP's "work" in ALICE makes his MARY TYLER WONKA routine seem understated and controlled.)

On the hit-the-nail-on-the-head front, ALAN RICKMAN, as the blue caterpillar, is spot on, STEPHEN FRY as the Cheshire Cat is a welcome relief whenever he materializes and LITTLE BRITAIN's MATT LUCAS makes an equally convincing Tweedledee as he does a Tweedledum. I have to say though, how dare anyone cast CRISPIN GLOVER in an ALICE IN WONDERLAND film and not give HIM the part of the Mad Hatter? What kinda hooka smoke makes you do that? I know DEPP is a major selling point but c'mon BURTON and DISNEY, you can afford to take a hit to the wallet for the sake of art every once in a while. In addition I'd just like to add, and I don't mean to sound rude here, I think HELENA BONAM CARTER is seriously one of the most beautiful women who has ever graced the Earth but does she really need that much CGI help in the big head department? Not from where I'm standing.

I guess if I had kids I would probably drag them to see this; regardless, it's not the worst movie ever made, it just happens to play like a mixed tape of over worked KIDZ BOP cover songs. I suppose I should give BURTON credit for playing against his darker more gothic instincts but when the alternative is so loud and Easter pastel garish, I'm not so sure. This is your fault JIM HENSON, you should have gone to the doctor's for regular check-ups! That way, both ALICE and I may have someday gotten the movie we deserved.

NOTE: Rather than check out the overseen trailer for BURTON's film, let's take a look at some of Alice's earlier trips down the rabbit hole. Some work better than others but they are all, as they should be, very kindertraumatic.

TIP: The above video has no sound so play it simultaneously with the music video below (you might need to play the music video twice as it's shorter) and remember: feed your head!