Author: unkle lancifer

What would happen if you made a movie that was a ransom/heist comedy for an hour and then became a gory slasher movie for the last half hour? If you ask me, then you have just made a movie that is really boring for an hour and then only becomes good for the last half hour. Folks, have I ever introduced you to my friend THE COTTAGE? Yea, he's not funny or interesting unless he's in the mood and it takes him forever to get in the mood and then as soon as he gets in the mood he has to split. Sounds like a real blast right? It's not that I only have love for slasher movies; I love all kinds of movies with the absolute exception of any movie that involves a heist gone wrong (DOG DAY AFTERNOON being of course, the exception to the rule.) I don't care about your bag of money and I don't care that your bag of money is full of tissues and not money. Maybe these movies appeal to those who spend their days daydreaming about stealing bags of money. My private fantasies would probably be better served by watching 2012.

The sad thing is, if you watch the deleted scenes on the DVD you come to the exasperating conclusion that once upon a time they had a whole movie here until somebody decided that the action should start at precisely the same moment people are walking out of the theater or reaching for the remote. Don't be thinking that poor Unk does not get British humor and therefore this one flew over his head either, because that's all kinds of wrong. Unk put the "feel ya" in Anglophilia and shoots Bovril out of his nostrils for everything from BENNY HILL to SEVERANCE (and is currently in love with PULLING.) I think FRENCH AND SAUNDERS impersonating BANANARAMA is the height of comedy so that ain't it. This one just really missed my funny bone by a country mile. I guess I don't even care if your bag of money has pounds in it.

If it seems I'm being a bit rough with THE COTTAGE it is only because when it makes an effort it really works. That last half hour is a GOOD movie. The gory slapstick comedy IS amusing and there is actual tension and you care when certain characters are off-ed. I guess what I'm feeling is the frustration of knowing that they had what it took and decided to be coy and stingy with it for as long as humanly possible. It's sort of like when you break up with somebody and then they go out of their way to be the exact person you were begging them to be the whole time you were going out with them. It's too MUCH rather than too little too late and now I just want THE COTTAGE like any and all exes, to walk into the nearest open manhole.

I may try this one again in the future, it may be a less aggravating experience if I go into it with the knowledge that I'm not going to be completely rebuffed by film's end. In fact, now that I think of it there's nothing stopping me from cutting away the fat and starting the flick an hour in. That kidnapping gone awry crap might be ace nail filing time but there are moments in THE COTTAGE that really do impress. As a whole it doesn't really work but it does showcase the creepiest yellow kitchen I have ever seen in my life, not exactly your money's worth but not a bag full of tissues either.

Remember not too long ago when I was singing the praises of an ice pick sharp Norwegian slasher flick entitled COLD PREY (FRITT VILT)? No? Well, trust me it was all gushing and cartoon hearts floating about. I adore COLD PREY, on the day that it was born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true. Recently I got a chance to see its sequel COLD PREY 2: RESURRECTION and let me tell ya' friends, unlike some horror series that let ya' down on the second date, this one shows up on time, looks you in the eye and says everything you want to hear. I'm putting a ring on it.

Writer of both films THOMAS MOLDESTAD has done some serious homework; he not only shows off his knowledge of the best horror dance moves but equally impresses with his crystal clear understanding of the ones to avoid. Some of y'all may require a bit more originality in a films structure, but personally I get an incredible thrill watching a movie of this kind touching all the familiar bases and then sliding smoothly into home. COLD PREY 2 is exactly what a horror movie sequel should strive to be. It moves the first film forward without stepping on its toes and it never lets you see it sweat.

Taking place immediately after the events in the first film, CP2 finds our lone survivor whisked to the nearest ominously dark understaffed hospital ala 1981's HALLOWEEN II (Anybody who was praying for a ROB ZOMBIE-free HALLOWEEN II remake, shut uppa ya' face, your wish has been granted.) Shelve any concerns that the HALLOWEEN II template is, in this day and age, broth thin, to thicken the stock, a hearty action oriented ALIENS component has been thrown into the mix as well. (Just try not to think of SIGGY WEAVER as our heroine Jannicke (INGRID BOLSO BERDAL) tries in vain to explain the quickly approaching pain.) In other words we now have a chance to see what would have taken place if, rather than being drugged out of her mind, Laurie Strode showed up at Haddonfield Hospital burning like the phoenix she became in H20, seriously , where are my smelling salts?

If this all sounds absurdly derivative to you, it kind of is: but it just happens to be derivative of everything that floats my boat. Some mysterious force in the universe chose to smoosh together nearly every cinematic element that I hold dear and then went that extra step and sprinkled snow all over the top; I thank that force on my knees. I want COLD PREY posters, T-shirts, action figures and cereal. Frosted COLD PREY cereal sounds delicious as hell, and yes I'm going to dig for the toy pick-axe prize inside as soon as I open the box!

As technically impressive as CP2's direction is (besides providing well-staged action and shocks, director MATS STENBERG has also created a nearly seamless counterpart to the original, taking place hours after and filmed nearly two years later) and as knowing and as crisp as the script may be, it would all be for naught without the participation of actress BERDAL. I can't think of many (or really any) modern genre heroines that I would place in the same esteem as my boos Strode and Ripley, but Jannicke really has what it takes to walk along side those iconic figures. I wouldn't say that about just anyone, BERDEL owns, she Daddy Warbucks owns!

I don't want to oversell this flick too much. The more you like the other films I mentioned the more you're likely to dig this. The wheel may remain un-reinvented but frankly, I don't want a new wheel, I just want the one that I know and love to spin good…COLD PREY 2 spins good. By keeping things simple and direct, learning from past sequel mistakes and presenting a truly compelling heroine, CP2 has created, in my opinion, the best on-going modern horror series that I'm aware of, plus like I said, it's got snow.

A baby stumbles in on his parents having sex and then does exactly what I would do in the same situation and discretely walks out a third story window plummeting to his death. Mom or "she" (CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG) is overcome with grief and the type of guilt that only comes from having an orgasm while your child is splattering against a sidewalk. Dad or "he" (WILLEM DAFOE), possibly the second worst therapist in the world, finds out that the couple's cabin in the woods is the exact last place in the universe his wife would like to be during this difficult time of mourning and then takes her there. Once in the woods, Mother Nature herself sends not so subtle messages to the couple that they should both drop dead. Finally mom decides to speed up the therapy by hitting the problem at its source by mangling both her and her husband's naughty zones. The end.

Does anybody know a way I can un-see ANTICHRIST? Is hypnotism a viable option or should I just throw it into the "don't go there" room in my head alongside that tortuously overplayed news footage of a baby carriage rolling in front of a train and the last season of ROSEANNE? What was I thinking? Take it from me kids, if you are inclined towards depressive thoughts or are currently grieving the loss of a loved one, you need to stay the hell away from this super bad mojo. This is LARS VON TRIER's take on horror and it's not "Yikes, there's a ghost!" horror; it's "Yikes, I need to go back on Paxil!" horror.

I know what you are thinking, LARS VON TRIER…caveat emptor, but usually the stuff that people find offensively sadistic in his films rolls right off my back because it appeals to my gargantuan persecution/martyr complex. I mean anyone who has worked in retail can relate to DOGVILLE, right? LARS gave me the super whammy this time though, didn't see it coming. Ugh, I feel like I just sat through WILLIAM STYRON's BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. When the hell is that new SANDRA BULLOCK movie coming out anyway? I need to see that NOW.

ANTICHRIST may be getting a bunch of flack for its graphic scenes of genital mutilation but whatever, that stuff doesn't really bother me as long as my junk is still intact. What I have trouble dealing with is footage of a baby bird covered with devouring ants and the oppressive sense that life is a never ending meaningless deathgasm. Don't think you can shelter yourself from the cruelty of existence within the warmth of a human relationship either, not on LARS' watch! Love is merely a front for a savage, to the death, wrestling match where both parties gnaw each other raw and silent animosity is the closest thing to a time out. Only bring a date to this movie if you never want to see that person again.

I gotta hand it to this guy, inspired by his own journey into the emotional dark lands, LARS decided to just throw it all up there on the screen completely unpoliced and unapologetic as a form of therapy. It might not all make rational sense but there is an elemental nightmare quality that just can't be argued with. Critiquing this film is like telling a mentally ill person that they should read CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL. Even the film's most graceless goofy missteps feel like accurate depictions of full on dementia. Talking animals are hilarious unless you are the Son of Sam. Several times I was brought back to my viewing of MULHOLLAND DRIVE. Do you know the part where the tiny miniature people appear? That part cracked up the entire theater I was in. Meanwhile I was completely mortified and trying to keep my wee little head from exploding.

LARSY is famous for his issues with woman and it's not hard to see why. Personally I can't fault a guy who is aware of his baggage and battles his anxieties head on. It's not pretty but as far as accused misogyny goes I find his work easier to digest than say, WARRANT's "Cherry Pie" video. In fact, I have to say, the male character, to me, in ANTICHRIST comes off as the real instigator of woe. (Even if you hate this movie, and you probably should, the acting of both DAFOE and GAINSBOURG is fearless and phenomenal.) Sure, she looks like the bad guy ‘cuz she drills a hole in his leg and fastens a millstone to it when he's unconscious (due to having his cojones whacked by a wooden plank); but hey, he started this ITCHY & SCRATCHY show by trying to suppress her natural feelings and grilling her to find her weaknesses so he could shove her nose in them. I say don't cry about your bee stings buddy if you've spent all your free time throwing rocks at the hive!

Whether ANTICHRIST is pure genius or pure bile probably depends on your own level of familiarity with coo-coo town, the well adjusted need not apply. Whether LARS is trying to beleaguer his audience or is completely oblivious of them I have no idea. There is astonishing beauty to be found here ,but it's an overall miserable experience. Like depression itself there are many jewels to be found along the path but you will never want to tread this way again. SANDY BULLOCK, slow down, wait up, I miss you!