What would happen if you made a movie that was a ransom/heist comedy for an hour and then became a gory slasher movie for the last half hour? If you ask me, then you have just made a movie that is really boring for an hour and then only becomes good for the last half hour. Folks, have I ever introduced you to my friend THE COTTAGE? Yea, he’s not funny or interesting unless he’s in the mood and it takes him forever to get in the mood and then as soon as he gets in the mood he has to split. Sounds like a real blast right? It’s not that I only have love for slasher movies; I love all kinds of movies with the absolute exception of any movie that involves a heist gone wrong (DOG DAY AFTERNOON being of course, the exception to the rule.) I don’t care about your bag of money and I don’t care that your bag of money is full of tissues and not money. Maybe these movies appeal to those who spend their days daydreaming about stealing bags of money. My private fantasies would probably be better served by watching 2012.
The sad thing is, if you watch the deleted scenes on the DVD you come to the exasperating conclusion that once upon a time they had a whole movie here until somebody decided that the action should start at precisely the same moment people are walking out of the theater or reaching for the remote. Don’t be thinking that poor Unk does not get British humor and therefore this one flew over his head either, because that’s all kinds of wrong. Unk put the “feel ya” in Anglophilia and shoots Bovril out of his nostrils for everything from BENNY HILL to SEVERANCE (and is currently in love with PULLING.) I think FRENCH AND SAUNDERS impersonating BANANARAMA is the height of comedy so that ain’t it. This one just really missed my funny bone by a country mile. I guess I don’t even care if your bag of money has pounds in it.
If it seems I’m being a bit rough with THE COTTAGE it is only because when it makes an effort it really works. That last half hour is a GOOD movie. The gory slapstick comedy IS amusing and there is actual tension and you care when certain characters are off-ed. I guess what I’m feeling is the frustration of knowing that they had what it took and decided to be coy and stingy with it for as long as humanly possible. It’s sort of like when you break up with somebody and then they go out of their way to be the exact person you were begging them to be the whole time you were going out with them. It’s too MUCH rather than too little too late and now I just want THE COTTAGE like any and all exes, to walk into the nearest open manhole.
I may try this one again in the future, it may be a less aggravating experience if I go into it with the knowledge that I’m not going to be completely rebuffed by film’s end. In fact, now that I think of it there’s nothing stopping me from cutting away the fat and starting the flick an hour in. That kidnapping gone awry crap might be ace nail filing time but there are moments in THE COTTAGE that really do impress. As a whole it doesn’t really work but it does showcase the creepiest yellow kitchen I have ever seen in my life, not exactly your money’s worth but not a bag full of tissues either.