


your happy childhood ends here!






Many of you have read about the three alarm blaze that resulted in the partial collapse of the east wing of Kindertrauma manor last fall. Wether it was shoddily hung pre holiday lights or Aunt Johns insistance on using a 175 watt three-way light bulb in his EASY BAKE OVEN is still under investigation. Our first instinct was to simply ignore the gaping hole but after a winter of near nonstop looting we relented and hired two handymen to repair the damage. We were shocked (as many of you soon will be) to learn that the two gentlemen under are employ were none other than SMASHING PUMPKINS frontman Billy Corgan and T.V's Jerry Suprian of SMALL WONDER fame. This picture of the two taking a well earned break together proves without a shadow of a doupt that rumors that they are one and the same person are unequivocally false.Â

Take a look at this recently unearthed footage from the abandoned film project THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE 2: ESCAPE TO PARIS! This would-be sequel starred JODIE FOSTER reprising her role from the previous film in which she played a murderous adolescent. The unfinished second installment involved FOSTER's character Rynn Jacobs who, in order to avoid police questioning, high tails it to France to live anonymously. Keeping a low profile becomes a real challenge when tomboy Rynn is discovered singing in a bistro and quickly becomes the toast of Paris. Unfortunately Rynn still has her fair share of secrets to keep and soon the Seine is littered with the dead bodies of her Svengali-like manager , a rival songstress and a nosey chef. Although at least 40 percent of the film was completed, the entire production was canned due to the disappointing reception FOSTER's other musical effort BUGSY MALONE received. By all accounts FOSTER is ecstatic about the discovery and vows to complete the film using state of the art computer animation.Â
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For me as a kid, scarier than a machete-wielding stalker or malicious aliens were the monsters that allegedly had my best interests in mind: my parents. They weren't bad parents, but thanks to a few movies and television shows I was convinced that some day they could turn out to be evil. The nightmarish parental vision that stayed with me the most was on an episode of FREDDIE'S NIGHTMARES that I caught one night while battling insomnia. "Do You Know Where Your Kids Are?" (1989) concerns a babysitter named Lisa at a seemingly ordinary house with someone very strange in the basement. You see, the family's daughter murdered the mother, and rather than letting the girl rot in jail they simply imprisoned her below the house, with the dumbwaiter serving asher source of nourishment. The parents see nothing wrong with this arrangement, even though occasional screams escape from the basement during the Lisa's stay. Through strange circumstances, Lisa is lured to the basement and imprisoned while the evil girl (who coincidentally looks much like Lisa) escapes. Despite Lisa's many pleas, the family keeps her locked into the basement, thinking it to be one of their daughter's ploys. Months pass and eventually Lisa escapes but to her horror finds the evil girl living at her house, with Lisa's mother mistaking the lass for her own missing daughter. The idea of Lisa being falsely imprisoned haunted me, especially since my family lived in a house with a sprawling basement and a firewood elevator — more than accommodating facilities to jail a troublesome child should my parents see fit.
Thanks Adam! You lucky kids can not only visit Adam regularly at DVD PANACHE but watch the episode of FREDDIE'S NIGHTMARES of which he speaks, in it's entirety HERE. (Both highly recommended!)
Who better to judge the scariest scarecrow than a crow? Remember we're not judging the highly variant quality of the below productions, we're just wondering which would be the most effective straw man in thwarting our ebony feathered friends! (In other words, the scarecrow with the LEAST birds on his head is the scariest!)Â

