kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Madman

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Madman Marz is a force to be reckoned with. Not only does he have no problem scouring the forest in his bare feet, but he also (like MY BLOODY VALENTINE's Harry Warden) comes equipped with his own theme song. It doesn't take much to set the guy off, just mention his name and he'll come get you and get you good! Set in a summer camp for so called "gifted" children, and opening around a smoldering campfire, MADMAN is, on the surface, the quintessential eighties slasher film. Why, it's even based on the same legend as THE BURNING. (That legend being: There's a guy in the woods and he's going to kill you!) But to slasher fans around the world with highly trained noses, MADMAN has an aroma all his own (In fact, a victim reveals Marz actually does stink of something, but he's murdered before he can reveal what.) First of all, put all your "final girl" theories back into your nap sack. One young lady in the picture, I won't reveal who, even tries to verbally force herself into that coveted role by saying to another girl "That's the difference between me and you, you are content to sit behind and I'm not. I like to know what's going on!" Sounds like she's going to live right? Wrong. Unless you count having your head decapitated by being stuck under a car hood while Marz stomps on it living! In general people who should live, die and people who seriously deserve to die walk away with only permanent mental scarring to deal with. There's a real weird vibe around the whole movie. Some of it is caused by the nuts-o acting and slogan heavy, hippie-dippy script; some of it is caused by the bullying synth score; most of it is caused by the fact that the film seems to take place in about 100 square feet of space; and that it, from first shot to last, takes place entirely at night. (Slasher rule books state that the viewer is allotted at least two or three shots of the doomed frolicking in the sun before their demise.) Strangely they never show you the colorful locals or the moron cops or anything of the outside world, just the dark, rather well shot woods. (Miraculously, as dark as this movie is, there is never a point where you don't see exactly what you need to). As far as slasher fans go, I know I'm preaching to the choir but all you other folks who assume this is just the same old same old really should give it a try. Madman Marz may look like an oaf, but he's a professional and he knows what he's doing!
There are several memorable scenes (the hiding in the refrigerator bit is one) but they all fade away like sidewalk chalk drawings in the rain when held against the most tastefully romantic and emotionally moving musically enhanced hot tub humping scene I've ever encountered in an American film.

UPDATE: MADMAN fans must check out the Vicar of VHS' awesome review for MADMAN (It even includes a shot of J.T.'s infamous belt buckle)and his incredible extended version of THE MADMAN THEME SONG over at M.M.M.M. MOVIES! Go, run, Now!

Traumafessions :: Reader Dogboy on Carrie

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 

One movie that really scared the crap out of me when I was very young was CARRIE. This one I remember the most. I was about six and watched it with my sister. The part that freaked me out was the scene where she has pigs blood dumped on her during her moment of bliss. The insane look on her blood covered face before and during wiping out the entire school. The ruthless way she used her psychic powers to off everyone. That part was pretty intense for a six year old.

Thanks Dogboy, you're certainly not alone. You've brought up one of the most enduring images in all of modern horror. You also got me thinking: isn't it especially horrific because it's pigs blood? Well, I guess there is really no kind of blood you would want dumped on your head at your prom, but pigs blood just seems especially disgusting. In fact, pigs have snorted their way into some of the creepiest scenes ever. Don't believe me? Take a look…. 

In 1981's EVIL SPEAK, RON HOWARD's more talented brother CLINT HOWARD took a cue from Carrie White and decided to demolish all the jerks who were poking fun at him. He didn't have any telekinetic powers, so he contacted Satan through his computer and viola! Giant hogs from hell rose up from the church floor and ate everybody. Good times!
Holy crap. Do you remember that little girl in THE AMITYVILLE HORROR was best friends with a demonic pig named Jody? Everybody thought she was full of it, 'till the night her psycho father JAMES BROLIN looked up and saw the porcine poltergeist winking at him with a glowy red eyeball! In the remake they made Jody into your typical ghost girl. Dumb idea, nothing is scarier than a pig.
If a simple pig is not scary enough, how about one with a chainsaw? Actually, that's really Farmer Vincent from MOTEL HELL wearing a pig head as a mask which is even worse, now that I think about it. That shit ain't kosher!
Yikes! This is my all time least favorite. It's from the 1972 movie ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND which they were awful enough to show on T.V. every five seconds when I was little. In the movie, Alice rescues a baby from being beaten to death and then, as a thank you, it turns into a pig! To be honest, I think I would usually prefer a pig to a baby, but this one was ugly as hell, just look at it! In that same deadly year of 1972 there was even a movie called PIGS (a.k.a DADDY'S DEADLY DARLING), but I refuse to grant it infamy by including it on this list because every time I tried to watch it on ELVIRA, it made me fall asleep.
Dear readers if you can think of anymore scary pigs please throw them into that troff we call the comments section so I can be sure to avoid them at all costs! 

The Howling

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 The most perfect woman who has ever lived (besides my departed me-maw), DEE WALLACE, portrays news anchor woman Karen White in JOE DANTE's loose as it wants to be adaptation of a GARY BRANDER novel. Karen, due to her awesome charisma and no nonsense reporting, has gotten a scoop about a wave of recent murders committed by psycho stalker Eddie Quist (Manson-y ROBERT PICARDO). It appears the creep only wants to talk to her and her alone, and he'd prefer to do it in a sleazy sex shop. Eddie confronts our pristine heroine inside a movie booth showing a not very romantic gang rape video complete with stocking masks, yet before he can get his greasy mitts on our gal pal, he is blasted away by some uncharacteristically competent cops. Karen immediately represses the violent, sexually-charged incident, but as a result starts turning into a sack of potatoes during her nightly broadcast of the news and ultimately, during her special whoopee time with mustachioed boyfriend Terry (CHRISTOPHER STONE looking like he just fought his way off of a BRAWNY advert). It is decided that what Karen needs to get her head straight is some time away from the awful urban hell zone she must report about daily.
 It just so happens that popular self help guru and behavior expert Dr. George Wagner (PATRICK MACNEE a.k.a. COUNT IBLIS!!!), author of a book on repression entitled "THE GIFT," has a groovy commune nearby complete with fresh air, tennis courts and breathtaking scenery. It's a great idea if you discount the fact that Eddie is a werewolf, that he's NOT dead because he wasn't shot with a silver bullet, that the commune is his favorite hangout and it's infested with dirty unrepressed unrepentant murderous werewolves like himself and that dear sweet Doc Wagner is a secret furry monster too. As a result DEE gets to play the sad sack intuitive nobody believes, husband Terry gets his blue-balls cured thanks to Eddie's sis Marsha (ELISABETH BROOKS) the local nympho-wolf, and all their friends who stop by to see how the cure is taking get to be ripped to shreds by the "feel good" lycanthropic cult.
THE HOWLING is an incredibly intelligent and entertaining werewolf movie. Scriptwriter JOHN SAYLES' clever skewering of pop psychology and the media aligned with DANTE's considerable directorial talents and soft spot for sight gags and referencing, topped with the beauty that is anything ROB BOTTIN comes into contact with and the audio wonder that is PINO DONAGGIO (CARRIE) makes this a must own (and must watch repeatedly) classic. I do have one quibble though, that crappy animation insert at the end of the fireside sex scene has always looked out of place and SHODDY to me. Can somebody please fix it pronto? Otherwise this picture is a flawless cameo injected gem that will forever leave your fur standing up on end. 
indelible scenes
 
 

"Good Evening, From the day we're born there is a battle we must fight. A struggle between what is kind and peaceful in our natures and what is cruel and violent. That choice is our birthright as human beings and the real gift that differentiates us from the animals. It is as natural to us as the air we breathe and all of us take it for granted. But now for some of us that choice has been taken away. A secret society exists and is living among all of us. They are neither people nor animals but something in between. Monstrous mutations whose violent natures must be satisfied. I know what you're thinking because I've been where you are. It's impossible to imagine but I have proof, and tonight I'm going to show you something to make you believe…"

                                  

Traumafession:: William H. on Tales From The Darkside :: "Inside the Closet"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Like almost all children of the '80s, I lived for Saturday morning cartoons. Those four or five hours of the week belonged to children everywhere. So why did they show commercials for TALES FROM THE DARK SIDE side during kiddie cartoons!I'll never forget how terrifying the previews for one show was for me. The episode was titled "Inside the Closet." The brief glimpse of the show alone left me with numerous sleepless nights and fear of the dreaded closet-thing.I saw the whole episode years later, and I found it laughable–not so when I was eight years old listening to that eerie narrator's voice asking "What's in the closet? Is it under the bed?" And the brief clip of some huge-eyed horror shadowed in the closet. I was scared by so many trailers when I was a kid, but this one was THE WORST.

Tales From The Darkside :: "Inside The Closet"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When bookish student Gail Aynsley (ROBERTA WEISS) rents a room from veterinary scientist Dr. Fenner (CREEPSHOW's FRITZ WEAVER) she is rightfully disturbed to find that the space comes complete with a small locked door she is not to have access to. Worse still are the scratching sounds that come from within the cubby's interior, which she assumes are the rustlings of a rat. Complaining to the doctor gets her nowhere and each night the nocturnal disturbances become progressively worse. When she finally does manage to open the door she finds it is bare and places a mouse trap within. The next morning, rather than discovering a dead vermin in her trap, she discovers the closet is now miraculously stuffed to the brim with the toys and clothing of a little girl. Didn't the good doctor once have a daughter? Directed by special effects legend TOM SAVINI and written by the man responsible for BEETLEJUICE (MICHAEL McDOWELL),this episode, thanks to it's bizarre beasty, became a sort of calling card for the mid '80s GEORGE ROMERO-produced horror anthology show TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE. "INSIDE THE CLOSET" is a bit too slight to cause any major chills nowadays, but it is not hard to imagine it causing grief amongst the footy pajama set upon its original airing. The fear of "What's in the closet?" and "Do I dare hang my foot over the bed?" are pretty much a part of all of our childhoods, and this episode is tailor made to exploit those concerns. The pay off is indeed memorable and somehow manages to be slightly endearing as well.
Television has certainly had an extensive history of tiny terror tales from various episodes of THE TWILIGHT ZONE to the now classic TRILOGY OF TERROR and DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK. As recent as 2006, a WILLIAM HURT-starring installment of the mini-series NIGHTMARES AND DREAMSCAPES joined the mini-monster fray with animated toy soldiers responsible for the mayhem. The ankle biter in "INSIDE THE CLOSET" dubbed "Lizzie" by SAVINI may not be as frightening as some of her ghoulish competition, but she makes up for it with simple charm. Who could say no to those big blood shot eyes?
indelible scenes

  • Who needs indelible scenes when you can watch the entire episode yourself? Currently, you can check out this popular TFTD episode via Youtube. Here is PART ONE and PART TWO! Pleasant dreams!

April Fool's Day

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Produced by the guy who brought you many a FRIDAY THE 13TH sequel (FRANK MANCUSO JR. also brought you I KNOW WHO KILLED ME, but nobody's perfect) APRIL FOOL'S DAY does it's best to swim against the slasher tide and deliver an original offering. Most slashers begin with a false kill or two, or perhaps even feature a character whose morbid sense of humor is questionable, but the clean cut preppies that inhabit this AGATHA CHRISTIE on Crystal Lake suspenser are ALL guilty of favoring the monkeyshines. None more so than Muffy (chipmunk VALLEY GIRL DEBORAH FOREMAN), the center of the pack, who has invited her buddies to her impressive island homestead for a birthday celebration. Since her birthday falls on April first, it's also a great excuse to pull out the whoopee cushions, hand buzzers and retractable knives. Her friends have no issue with following suite and a battle of pranks ensues. Before you can say, "It's all fun until someone loses an eye" some folks start showing up dead (and one guy actually does lose an eye in a boating accident) and it seems something far more sinister is afoot. Director FRED WALTON (WHEN A STRANGER CALLS) goes against the grain by filming the shenanigans in crisp bright colors and it all looks just a bit classier than the standard earthy slasher. Not everyone will be on board when the film's biggest prank is played and it certainly pushes the plausibility factor to it's limit (in other words, don't try this at home!), but most will be having too much fun to care. With its spoiled rich kids, birthday setting, evil twins and elaborate shell game script A.F.D. resembles a light-hearted HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME more than anything in the Vorhees saga. FOREMAN (who even begins to resemble MELISSA SUE ANDERSON the crazier she gets) showcases her talents like never before playing, in effect, duo roles and horror icon AMY STEEL (FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2) is present, as well, to provide a virtuoso final girl performance. Ultimately it's more of a slasher spritzer than a hard shot of gore, but if you can't get behind this tongue-in-cheek, pre-SCREAM convention crusher, the joke is really on you.

  • Here's a good joke: Play a tape of a baby crying in the room of your friend who just had an abortion
  • Uninvited snake joins in on the festivities
  • Thirst-quenching well full of fresh decapitations
  • The doll display in the attic
  • Muffy and Buffy's basement height chart
  • The last final wink

Note: The movie APRIL FOOL'S DAY at one point had an entirely different ending. To find out more about this alternate version you must check out the always valuable RETRO SLASHERS. Webmaster John Klyza not only lists the LOST SCENES but is also kind enough to include an excerpt of the film's NOVELIZATION for your reading pleasure.

Kinder-news :: Childstar Urban Legend Debunked!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Many of you have read about the three alarm blaze that resulted in the partial collapse of the east wing of Kindertrauma manor last fall. Wether it was shoddily hung pre holiday lights or Aunt Johns insistance on using a 175 watt three-way light bulb in his EASY BAKE OVEN is still under investigation. Our first instinct was to simply ignore the gaping hole but after a winter of near nonstop looting we relented and hired two handymen to repair the damage. We were shocked (as many of you soon will be) to learn that the two gentlemen under are employ were none other than SMASHING PUMPKINS frontman Billy Corgan and T.V's Jerry Suprian of SMALL WONDER fame. This picture of the two taking a well earned break together proves without a shadow of a doupt that rumors that they are one and the same person are unequivocally false. 

    

Kinder-news :: Foster Footage Finally Found

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Take a look at this recently unearthed footage from the abandoned film project THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE 2: ESCAPE TO PARIS! This would-be sequel starred JODIE FOSTER reprising her role from the previous film in which she played a murderous adolescent. The unfinished second installment involved FOSTER's character Rynn Jacobs who, in order to avoid police questioning, high tails it to France to live anonymously. Keeping a low profile becomes a real challenge when tomboy Rynn is discovered singing in a bistro and quickly becomes the toast of Paris. Unfortunately Rynn still has her fair share of secrets to keep and soon the Seine is littered with the dead bodies of her Svengali-like manager , a rival songstress and a nosey chef. Although at least 40 percent of the film was completed, the entire production was canned due to the disappointing reception FOSTER's other musical effort BUGSY MALONE received. By all accounts FOSTER is ecstatic about the discovery and vows to complete the film using state of the art computer animation. 

 
     

Extreme Canvas

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

What is my favorite of all the books in the vast Kindertrauma library, you don't ask? Why it's EXTREME CANVAS: MOVIE POSTER PAINTINGS FROM GHANA by Ernie Wolf III don'cha know. Not only is it a freaking universe of visual entertainment, but it also doubles as the world's greatest cool person detector. When stranded strangers stop by the mansion unexpectedly I show them this volume over tea. If they like it… friends for life! If not… well it's a shovel to the back of the noggin and under the floorboards with that philistine! You really do have to see it to believe it. Over yonder in Ghana, folks not having enough moola to have their very own VCRs would gather in public places to watch videos together much like we used to do in theaters. Movie companies naturally didn't send them promotional posters to advertise these back-yard entertainments so they simply painted their own. Some use popular iconic images of the featured movie and some are just straight out of the artist's imagination. What results is something so glorious that the next time you bump into a hoity toity gallery owner at a cocktail party you will immediately throw-up in their martini glass. These beauties bring to mind everything from circus sideshow banners to high school notebook doodles. Some have so much wear and tear that they resemble ancient tapestries. The book is giant and covers action, sci-fi and exploitation films as well, but of course, the highlight is the horror section. Below are some samples of the most kindertraumatic of the images (that I could fit on my scanner). Trust me, there's tons and tons more and they are all equally amazing.
 

Friday The 13th :: The Series :: "Scarecrow"

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Even your old Unkle Lancifer has his off days. While constructing the ever useful and fully copyrighted SCARECROW FEAR-O-METER, I made a startling omission. I am ashamed to say I completely forgot the classic episode of FRIDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES aptly entitled "Scarecrow." In my defense, I did remember the episode with my own little brain and with no help from you readers who are supposed to alert me to my oversights (remember the Kindertrauma hotline is 555-5555; call collect if you like!). The problem is, this is no small gaff on my part, if I had to do it all over again the scarecrow in this episode would have garnered the highest possible rating and left all other rag covered contestants lying in the dust. For this scarecrow is indeed the scariest, he not only has a leather mask that recalls DAVID CRONENBERG's stint as a psycho in NIGHT BREED, but he also has the coolest mythology attached as well. See all you gotta do with this guy is attach the picture of the jerk you want to kill to his lapel and he's off with his scythe to collect their head! Of course he was sold at ye olde cursed antique shop at one point in his career which is a bit questionable, but who cares, you get to watch the eternally awesome uber-ginger ROBEY track him down. This great episode which was voted THE fan favorite during a marathon on the CHILLER horror channel was even directed by WILLIAM FRUET, who has more than his fair share of above average slashers under his belt. I'm talking DEATH WEEKEND, FUNERAL HOME, SPASMS and KILLER PARTY. The guy even did the sci-fi monster mash BLUE MONKEY with a little itty bitty TRAUMATOT named SARAH POLLEY! So perhaps fate knew what it was doing when it threw me that curveball of a brain fart, because this episode, whose final ten minutes should make most theatrical movies take a hard look in the mirror, cry and blow their brains out, deserves its very own private entry on our humble pages!indelible scenes

  • The lightening storm opening beheading sets the perfect stage
  • Scarecrow attacks during sun bleached afternoon ala THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
  • Ryan gets personal with that signed baseball and the tale about his brother's death (He also wears THE coolest hockey sweater)
  • No, he didn't just pop out of the bed!
  • Marge Longacre (PATRICIA PHILLIPS) and her scissors! Actually, Marge tears it up in just about every scene she's in. ALICE KRIGE, watch your back!

P.S.: If you're anything like me (and plushy fetish/cannibalistic tendencies aside, why shouldn't you be?) The mere mention of the mono monickered ROBEY will have this JAUNTY TUNE blasting in your head. Yes, it's a cover of that famous CHESS song sung by MURRAY HEAD who is strangely enough the brother of ANTHONY STEWART HEAD (Giles on Buffy). Beware: ROBEY's "music" video is known to cause permanent eye and ear damage.