kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

13 Ghosts

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The Zorba family has come under some rough financial times. In fact, their furniture is being repossessed ‘cuz Pops forgot to pay the bills! Just like in real life, their rich uncle immediately drops dead and leaves them his entire estate in their hour of need. There's just one catch, they have to dress up as ladies to live there! Oh wait, that's BOSOM BUDDIES! No, the catch is the place is haunted by twelve ghosts who want one of the Zorbas to join them and become the 13th!(Get the title?) Did I mention maid services will be provided by ye ol' hatchet face MARGARET HAMILTON who just may be a witch? Quite a stretch, huh? Throw in the usual conniving, money-loving lawyer looking for some hidden loot (played by ADAM-12's MARTIN MILNER) and you almost have a movie. What's missing? ILLUSION-O, the incredible tool that allows you to choose whether you want to see the effects that were shot for the film! This amazing cardboard device with red and blue clear plastic filters, was a gimmick created by WILLIAM CASTLE that, when used correctly, inhibits the viewer from ever getting properly immersed in his film. Novel as it may be, it wears out its welcome fast and becomes grossly annoying. Give me the ILLUSION-O-free television broadcast version any time. I need my hands free for beer swigging, I mean popcorn. With or without the cardboard menace, 13 GHOSTS, an alleged classic, will probably leave modern viewers over the age of 13 wanting more. Directed with all the flair of an episode of HAZEL, there are few real shocks here, (although sis' encounter with a monstrous dead uncle zombie is effective) any sense of danger is destroyed by the characters bizarrely casual responses to having things like meat cleavers thrown at them. In actuality, real terror was probably not the goal at all, just a larky haunted house goof equivalent to an unenthusiastic game of "light as a feather, stiff as a board". On that level, it works fine. So if you have to watch a movie with your Granny, and your Granny happens to be 10 years old, this is the pick for you!
indelible scenes

  • The opening credits are the highlight of the film
  • Cook ghost with cleaver
  • Headless tamer and lion ghost
  • Money in the staircase!
  • The amazing squash-you bed
  • The "Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies!" winking epilogue

Official Traumatizer :: Satan in The Adventures of Mark Twain

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey kids, would you like to go on a magical trip with MARK TWAIN through time and space? Sounds a bit boring doesn't it? Sounds kinda learn-y right? Well, what if I told you that Ol' MARK was going to scare the living crap out of you? And what if I told you that he wanted to introduce you to a friend of his by the name of…wait for it… Satan? In the 1985 full-length claymation movie THE ADVENTURES OF MARK TWAIN, children found a brand new level of hell to experience thanks to a visit from everyone's favorite fallen angel the devil himself. Director WILL VINTON, who is also notably connected with notorious trauma devices RETURN TO OZ and THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS, doesn't seem to get that combining psychedelia with morose nihilism is a recipe for kiddie suicide. We're not questioning the guy's artistic genius; his work makes the RANKIN & BASS canon look like a bunch of paper bag puppets and we realize that he was just giving a shout out to Twain's unfinished work THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER. We're just wondering how he sleeps at night knowing he's blown little underage minds to smithereens. Isn't Satan scary enough with his red underwear and twisty tail? Where'd that morph-y mask come from? And what's with all that creating of little people just to destroy them bit? That type of crazy, power-hungry behavior is usually reserved for the big head honcho himself…God! Depicting Satan as an evil dude who wants to take over the Earth, now that's what we can get behind. This Satan not only doesn't want the dump, he's convinced it's not real, and that it's only an illusion, a dream. There's a fun concept for a kid to mull over! If nothing else, we certainly could have done without the sight of the little cow falling into the pit, now that was just plain mean!The brave among you can check out the offending scene HERE!

Shock

Posted on By unkle lancifer

A desperate woman slowly loosing her grip on reality; is she being haunted or is she just plain nutzo? A young boy seemingly possessed by a deceased adult male; is he a monster or a victim? You've seen these screws turned before no doubt, but here the guy manning the screwdriver is Italian film legend MARIO BAVA and the results may surprise you. SHOCK, released in America as BEYOND THE DOOR 2 has little to do with its EXORCIST cash-in predecessor BEYOND THE DOOR, save for the presence of child actor DAVID COLIN JR. This is BAVA's last film and some of it was helmed by his son/protégé, the also very talented LAMBERTO BAVA. Two BAVAs for the price of one? Count me in! Unlike the Big B's best work, you're unlikely to find yourself salivating over every scene, but that's as it should be as the story really doesn't call for it. There's a natural everyday vibe here not usually associated with the director. No worries, though. When the gloves come off, we are treated to nearly every camera trick in the book, and though some may find their patience tested during the slow build up, few will be dissatisfied by film's conclusion. One scene in particular is a visual doozy and is a testament to what can be achieved without optical effects when real creativity is involved. DARIA NICOLODI, frequent collaborator with DARIO ARGENTO (one such collaboration was named ASIA), is a joy to watch sliding down the slippery slope to cuckoo town. The insular, claustrophobic, constant grinding of her psyche brings POLANSKI's REPULSION to mind. Her bizarre, sometimes apparently incestuously-inclined offspring fares equally well. COLIN JR.'s lack of acting chops is easily compensated for by the fact that he's just one of the freakiest looking kids ever. If his jack-o'-lantern old man mug and MARJOE GORTNER locks don't get under your skin, then it's gotta be cuz you're all crazy looking yourself. SHOCK is a great farewell card from a true artist. It may not burst with the power of some of his earlier work, but its stealthy psychological approach sets it apart from the pack.
indelible scenes

  • The soundtrack by GOBLIN-infected rock band LIBRA is a rocking jack-in-a-box
  • Razor blade in a piano keyboard!
  • Window replaced by brick wall followed by floating box-cutter
  • Voodoo swing set threatens to down an airplane
  • Yikes! Haunted Slinky®!

Official Traumatot :: Martin Stephens

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

Martin Stephens Village of the damned The Innocents
 

Who can deny MARTIN STEPHENS' precise, sharp as an ice-pick, performance in 1960's VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED? Any child actor can shelve emotions and play a robot, but convincingly exuding cold, calculating super intelligence is another story. STEPHENS pulled it off with otherworldly ease and found a permanent home among the legendary icons of horror. One year later he amazingly out did himself with his portrayal of Miles in THE INNOCENTS, an adaptation of HENRY JAMES' classic ghost tale THE TURN OF THE SCREW.  Here he may have delivered the best child performance of all time; subtle, fluid and slippery as a fish, Miles is at turns menacing and angelic, a padlock whose combination changes with each viewing. At one point the most prominent and successful child star in Britain, he prematurely put a cap on his career with the JOAN FONTAINE HAMMER-mobile THE WITCHES. Currently working as an architect STEPHENS can rest at night with the knowledge that his contributions as a child actor, particularly in the horror genre will never be equaled. You sir are forever a TRAUMATOT!

John Carpenter's Village of the Damned

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

John Carpenter Village of the damned
If you're going to do a remake of a sci-fi/horror classic you couldn't find a better man for the job than JOHN CARPENTER. CARPENTER's THE THING is arguably the best remake of all time and the go to answer when questioning whether "reimaginings" should even exists. But let's face it, even God himself has his off days and although J.C.'s VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED has a few good moments, it's certainly a far cry from the master's best work. The set up works great and fans will immediately recognize and feel at home with the same gorgeous coastal surroundings he took advantage of in THE FOG. As in that film, we are introduced to a large group of interlapping characters that are about to be confronted with an outside force whose intentions are at first shrouded in mystery. Much like his approach to THE THING, Carpenter returns to the original story the film was based on (in this case, JOHN WYNDHAM's THE MIDWICH CUCKOOS) for inspiration whenever he can. A priest character deemed too sacrilegious to appear in the 1960 telling is finally represented here. He even makes attempts to conquer the first film's major criticism of shirking the female perspective on events all to no avail. Sadly, as soon as the first badly wigged baby appears, all these good intentions go up in smoke. This film hinges on the creep factor provided by the children, but rather than deliver chills these kids deliver guffaws. It's not simply because the iconic white hair does not translate well to color film, it becomes exceedingly clear that without the commanding power of a child actor like the original's MARTIN STEPHENS the whole house of cards crumbles. It doesn't help that the film jumps about franticly, never allowing the more interesting elements to congeal and instead routinely lingers on the inconsequential, or that the adult cast with the possible exception of the suspiciously BARBEAU-esgue MERIDITH SALINGER fade into the woodwork. There are still plenty of CARPENTER hallmarks about to keep you from completely losing interest, from his usual full use of the widescreen to the out of date yet still effective musical cues. If this was any other director, I would probably devour this movie's constant camp insanity but considering the potential of the material and the genius behind the wheel, this interesting failure's dull glow truly disappoints.
indelible scenes
 

  • STREETS OF FIRE fans beware MICHAEL PARE's screen time here is shorter than a FIRE INC. song!
  • Man falls asleep on open grill
  • CHRISTOPER REEVE (in his last role before his accident) and David (THOMAS DEKKER) chat in the cemetery under rolling clouds. Where's the rest of THIS movie?
  • Jedi mind tricks force MARK HAMILL to blow his brains out!
  • Rather than drive into a brick wall as in the original, hapless PETER JASON hits a poorly placed fuel tank DUKES OF HAZZARD style!

 

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Jeff M. on Clash of the Titans

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Dirty gorgon porn! Shame on you jeff!

Medusa in CLASH OF THE TITANS slithered her way into my brain and stayed there. It was not that she was so scary to look at; it was the fact that if you looked at her you turned to stone…and she was topless! In my pathetic, adolescent teenage boy mind I was convinced that if I ever found myself in the same situation as Perseus that I would NOT be able to resist looking. Stupid I know, but sort of like a person who's afraid of heights because they secretly fear they might jump. For some reason this imagined weakness on my part kept me up at night. I'm married now and the female anatomy holds slightly less mystery. In fact, my wife forced me to send this in. She makes fun of me about it every chance she gets.

Jeff, Tell your wife to stop poking fun! That Gorgon was a veritable vixen! In fact, thanks to our local library's supply of back issues of CELEBRITY SLUETH magazine, We uncovered THIS X-RATED IMAGE from her forgotten early modeling career. Don't show it to wifey!

The Legend of Boggy Creek

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 Based on so-called actual events and starring real witnesses in reenactments, THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK may be the first faux-documentary horror film ever conceived. With all the polish of a high school science ed film, it spins the tale of a town called Fouke terrorized by a hairy Big Foot-type monster. Big Foot or "Sasquatch" carries little weight in the national psyche these days, but once upon a time he was the physical embodiment of the wilderness's last stand against mankind's complete appropriation of nature. The movie itself is a relic and time capsule showcasing a world that no longer exists both within the film (the technology free town) and without (the film's identity as drive-in fare). Many scenes are laughable by today's standards, thanks to sub-par acting and the obvious limitations of an ape suit, but L.O.B.C. still has its own quiet power. This is campfire story material and the viewer certainly has to be in the right mood to be effected by its vague G-rated violence. The sad fact is with psychopaths, viruses and terrorism lurking about in the real world, it may be difficult for modern audiences to empathize with the fear of the wild. Whatever is coming to get us, we can pretty much assume it's not coming from the woods (in fact, at this point nature certainly has more to fear from us). At the end of the film the narrator returns to the location of his early childhood fears. He surprises himself by actually longing to hear the howl that once terrified him, "Just to be a reminder that there is still a wilderness left." Sadly, I'd venture that there's probably a Starbucks in that space today. L.O.B.C. can still be a lot of fun and its influence is ever reaching (BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, CLOVERFIELD), but it's hard to be truly scared of a monster you mostly feel sorry for. That being said, I'm happy to report that in 1997 there were over 40 sightings of the Fouke Monster, maybe there's still a little kick in the old boy after all. Take that Starbucks! 
 

  • Fouke-face is so frickin' scary that a cat has a heart attack when it sees him!
  • Nancy's "Bunking Party" is attacked!
  • Any and all musical interludes, specifically "Hey Travis Crabtree!"
  • The furry hand through the window trick!
  • Fouke-head attacks a guy sitting on the toilet!

Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

Lila Lee (the late, great Venus of the drive-in CHERYL "RAINBEAUX" SMITH) is as pure as the driven snow. In spite of, or perhaps because of, her estranged father's gangster reputation, she is revered as a living angel by the church congregation she sings for. One day she receives a mysterious letter inviting her to come to the town of Astaroth. Her father is said to be ill and longing for her forgiveness. Sneaking away from her obviously smitten Reverend guardian (Director RICHARD BLACKBURN), she stows away in the back of a car and begins a journey that threatens the corruption of her body and soul at every turn. The letter was in fact a rouse designed by Lemora (LESLIE GILB), a powerful Vampiric woman who, like most others who encounter Lila, is bent on possessing her. Archetypal creatures; Beast men, grizzled hags and eerie giggling munchkins abound in this shoe-string budgeted, Southern gothic fairy tale obsessed with the destruction of innocence. With its indigo blacks and exuberant jolts of color LEMORA resembles a children's minimalist stage play production when it's not echoing masterworks like NIGHT OF THE HUNTER and even the forthcoming SUSPIRIA. It's occasional amateurishness may prevent some viewers from becoming completely engaged, but if you give in to its lyrical logic, it's a hauntingly singular experience. This PG-rated oddity centering on the sexualization of a 13-year-old is certainly one of the most unusual vampire films ever made. (CHERYL SMITH's real life submission to the Dionysian path through heroin addiction adds yet another layer to the already fraught with allegory film.) Ignored and even rallied against upon its release, LEMORA has sown a reputation and a feverish fan base over the decades. At once childish and yet alarmingly sophisticated, this is one quietly effective mood piece that may might not scare you senseless but might just invade your dreams. 
indelible scenes
 

  • That scary candy offering ticket salesman
  • The beast creatures attack the bus
  • That witch lady's creepy song
  • Lemora gives Lila a bath
  • Lila reunited with pops
  • Lila is reunited with the Rev

 

  

Ten Great Horror Romances

Posted on By unkle lancifer

February is the month of love, so what better time to take off our kiddie beanies and present you with our ten favorite horror romances. Let us know in the comments section if we missed yours!

JAWS shark revenge hoagie love
10. JAWS: THE REVENGE The death of sheriff Brody (ROY SCHEIDER) left a pretty big hole in the heart of his wife Ellen (LORRAINE GARY). A hole so big, only a guy named Hoagie (MICHAEL CAINE) could fill it. With his cupid-esque curly locks, irresistible British accent and willingness to partake in a spontaneous jig during a street festival, he's every widow's dream come true. Mrs. Brody is indeed in love again… and this time it's personal!
Jodie Foster Scott Jacoby hamster abuse
9. THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE Young love, how sweet it is! Many have gone to outrageous lengths to win the attention of the wily Miss FOSTER (insert presidential assassination joke here), yet few have succeeded. It would take the greatest guy ever right? Enter Mario (BAD RONALD himself SCOTT JACOBY). He is a master of disguise, a deft magician and he carries a hidden sword in his cane. Did we mention he has a sexy limp? If that wasn't enough, he's open to helping you dispose of all the dead bodies you got lying around. Good catch JODIE! He's a keeper!
witchboard gay love ouija Tawney Kitaen
8. WITCHBOARD You don't need a Ouija board to spell this out for you; long before BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (R.I.P. H.L.!) Jim Morar (TODD ALLEN) and  Brandon Sinclair (STEPHEN NICHOLS) apparently got on a first name basis with the love that dare not speak it's name. Based solely on conjecture it appears, TAWNEY KITAEN can dress in male drag till the cows come home; these dudes only have eyes for each other. I'd say, "Get a room!" but they already did.
lesbian vampire lakme sarandon bowie deneuve
7. THE HUNGER Speaking of the gays, CATHERINE DENEUVE may have promised forever love to DAVID BOWIE but looky here to what's going down to the tune of LAKME! Sisters ARE doing it for themselves! This is some real classy stuff, especially when you consider all this snogging was spurred by SUSAN SARANDON's older than the Bible "Oops… I spilt wine on my Beefy-T" come-on!
sexy werewolf bites Jenny Agutter
6. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON David Kessler (DAVID NAUGHTON) and nurse Alex Price (can you stand it? T-H-E JENNY AGUTTER) may have just met, but if this ain't the real thing, I don't want the real thing, I'll have this instead. The shower scene alone is enough to get these two into the hall of fame. By film's end, even though they have that whole he's deceased thing between them, you can tell when Jenny looks into that furry dead werewolf 's eyes that she got some primo diary material out of the deal.
my bloody valentine candy three way
5. MY BLOODY VALENTINE What list would be complete with out this blood-soaked valentine to the horror of love triangles? T.J. Hannigan (PAUL KELMAN), after an unsuccessful attempt to move on to bigger and better things, returns home to the dead end town of Valentine's Bluff to find his girlfriend Sarah (LORI HALLIER) knocking boots with his buddy Axel (NEIL AFFLECK). Who will win her? Let's just say one of them wants her heart a little more (literally) than the other!
brundle fly maggot baby geena davis
4. THE FLY In every relationship there is a time when you must ask yourself, "How much slime can I put up with be before I'm out the door?" GEENA DAVIS seems to be gearing up for the long run. This is especially commendable when you consider how dampening the random loss of body parts might be on your sex life. Too bad boyfriend Seth Brundle (then real-life beau JEFF GOLDBLUM) is married to his work! What a shame, they were so close to a life of picket fences, Tupperware and 2.5 maggots!
chucky's in love tiffany tilly
3. BRIDE OF CHUCKY A slasher icon with a girlfriend? Who woulda thunk there would be time between slayings? It helps that Tiffany (JENNIFER TILLY) has the same interests as Chuck (BRAD DOURIF), not to mention the same plastic dilemma. These two dolls may not always get along, but when they're on the same page they're unstoppable. Take notes.
candyman tony todd bees virginia madsenn
2. CANDYMAN What is so romantic about TONY TODD and VIRGINA MADSEN's relationship? If you have to ask you either: A) Never saw this movie or B) Don't know what love is. This is the real deal folks, it's timeless and it knows no boundaries. And we say this kinda love is worth finding… no matter how many bees sting you.
king kong eats fay wray on world's biggest phallic symbol
1. KING KONG! Here he is the Grand Daddy of the woo. He had everything working against him; he was a stranger in a strange land, he was a different species altogether and he was ten times her size. But K.K. was also consistent, he never wavered, and he never gave up. How could FAY RAY help but fall? Maybe it was beauty who killed the beast, but is there any better way to go?      

The Best Thing EVER?

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

 
Chocolate and peanut butter, ARGENTO and A'HA… DONALD PLEASENCE and monkeys… some great tastes are even better together as this video clearly illustrates. Is it bat-shit crazy or simply the most brilliant thing ever created? You be the judge!Â