kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

The Babysitter

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Long before REBECCA De MORNAY's hand rocked any cradle, serpentine usurper extraordinaire STEPHANIE ZIMBALIST rocked the worlds of extreme overacting power duo WILLIAM SHATNER and PATTY DUKE. As the icy 18-year-old Joanna Redwine, ZIMBALIST elbows her way into the squabbling couple's homestead insuring its downfall, if not by her manipulations than by the termite like power of the couple's own competitive scenery chewing. Of course Joanna is a gift from God at first, taking daughter QUINN CUMMINGS under her wing and throwing about helpful bon mots, but before long, she's making goo-goo eyes at SHATNER and pushing PATTY towards the bottle. It doesn't take much convincing to get mom to put on her VALLEY OF THE DOLLS lampshade and soon she is slurring her words more than the elocutionary impaired QUINN. Dad is a harder nut to crack, but when he walks in on Joanna wearing his wife's lingerie he too starts to melt to her will. (In this 1980 TV movie's most bizarre break from reality, ASTIN and ZIMBALIST wear the same size). Thanks to JOHN HOUSEMAN's detective work, which mostly consists of calling people on the phone, Joanna's reign is short lived. With the discovery of her previous employers packaged in clear plastic, she is carted off to jail. The dysfunctional Benedict family is free to return to their previous existence but whether that is an improvement is this tales biggest mystery.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Joanna gets a little over zealous while clubbing a fish
  • After Joanna's canoodle buddy Scott's not so accidental death, QUINN comes in to console a crying Joanna only to discover she is laughing hysterically
  • PATTY's final, furniture throwing breakdown
  • ZIMBALIST wandering around her previous victims' home, and talking to the former occupants as if they were still alive
  • Family perfectly preserved in plastic wrap on the master bed

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Bilgin on Suspiria

Posted on By unkle lancifer

When SUSPIRIA first came out, I remembered seeing the trailer for it on TV. All you would see is a woman brushing her hair from behind and her singing, "Roses are red, violets are blue, the iris is a flower…..(something, something) SUSPIRIA!! After that, every time it came on, my sister and I would run from the room. Needless to say, since my mom was a horror lover we ended up seeing it at a matinee. I was 9 and my sister was 6.

Editor's note: That "something, something" was "The iris is a flower…that will mean the end of YOU!" as far as trailers and TV ads go this is one of the creepiest ever. Check it out!

Critters

Posted on By unkle lancifer


Two bounty hunters from outer space who can absorb the identity of anyone around them are hired to hunt down a group of escapees from a prison asteroid. These on-the-run aliens are really on-the-roll as they're in the form of fuzzy bowling bowls with countless teeth and shootable poisonous quills. Like most new arrivals to Earth their first stop is DEE WALLACE STONE's house. Here Dee is a Midwestern farmer's wife with two kids, a precocious ginger boy (SCOTT GRIMES) and a daughter preoccupied with locking lips with a young BILLY ZANE. One of the bounty hunters quickly assumes the form of an ‘80s era rock star while the more fickle one assumes the identities of various townsfolk. Equipped with futuristic weapons, they aid the family in clearing the town of the terrorizing GREMLINS inspired mutant tumbleweeds. There's no real scares or gore here and the focus is more on quipy humor sometimes delivered in the hairy hooligans own tongue and subtitled for maximum comedic effect. By films end, the stakes are raised when a giant sized critter joins the fray but all ends well with the miraculous reverse collapse of the family home complete with reconstructed mailbox with beloved family feline CHEWY residing within safe from harm and flying quills.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

  • Horribly accurate mid-eighties music video
  • Critter language has a facsimile for the F word
  • Critter rips E.T. doll to shreds
  • Village idiot turns out to be virtuoso at baseball and Molotov cocktail throwing
  • One well-placed firecracker destroys critter spacecraft
  • Dad's GHOSTBUSTERS-esque bowling shirt

KINDERPRESS

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hey look! Kindertrauma was mentioned in RUE MORGUE magazine (Dec. issue #74), how great is that? We'd just like to thank the fine folks over there for thinking of us (especially one Monica S. Kuebler)! We're very proud to be singled out in such an illustrious not to mention very cool publication!

KINDERBATTLE: General (CAT'S EYE) vs. Momma Rat (NIGHTMARES)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

hot for teacher!

Who will win in this no holds barred battle for supremacy? GENERAL has been victorious over run ins with both CHRISTINE and CUJO! MOMMA RAT, hailing from Germany, is a mythical creature ten times his size! Forget TOM AND JERRY, scrap ITCHY AND SCRATCHY… this is the ultimate battle between feline and rodent (not to mention anthology movie vs. anthology movie) and your vote will decide the outcome! Tell us who you prefer and why in our comments section, and you will be eligible through a random numerical drawing to win not only an official hand made one of a kind KINDERTRAUMA T-shirt (size will be determined by availability) but also an official KINDERTRAUMA button! Vote now and vote hard, vote as often as you like! You may be the deciding factor in the war between GOOD and sorta EVIL but really just trying to get her baby back!

Kids in Horror Films :: The Best of 2007

Posted on By unkle lancifer

hot for teacher!

You know we love to talk about the movies that scared you as a kid, but don't forget that here at KINDERTRAUMA we've got our eyes peeled for kids in horror films in general, and 2007 brought a fine bounty of critters who face horrific obstacles and/or are horrific obstacles themselves. Here is our list of favorites from 2007. Please let us know in the comments if there are any that we forgot and remember, watch where your tread there are spoilers ahead!

  • JACK KETCHUM'S THE GIRL NEXT DOOR
    Take away the fact that this movie is a nearly unwatchable, soul-destroying slip and slide ride into an endless abyss that will have you scrambling to piece together not only your will to live, but your tattered faith in humanity and it's a pretty good flick. It's certainly a faithful adaptation, though whether that's a good or bad thing, I have yet to come to terms with it. The entire young cast deserves accolades, if not for their more than competent work, than for simply not committing suicide midway through production. At 22, BLYTH AUFARTH is far from a child actress, but she should be singled out for her unflinchingly brave performance as the tortured title character especially when her peers are busy playing amputated strippers.
  • THEM (ils)
    By mentioning this film on this list I have spoiled it's secret surprise ending. "Them" are a bunch of kids who murder and terrorize for sport in this French import based on a true story. The fact is, we take a "You snooze, you loose" attitude here at Kindertrauma. I know it hurts, I wanted to be surprised by the retro-cylons in BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: RAZOR and some web site blew that for me. But don't be angry; just think off all the subtitles I just saved you from reading.
  • ROB ZOMBIE'S HALLOWEEN
    DAEG FAERCH, whose name I've typed so many times this year that I can almost spell it correctly without Google aid, had the daunting task of playing the young version of the slasher world's most honored icon. Even if you've seen the theatrical and bootleg cuts, do yourself a favor and watch that spiffy new unrated edition. I was already impressed with the lil' squirt's interpretation, but the new version has some great black and white hand-held Loomis-cam footage that cinches the deal.
  • WHISPER (aka HELLION)
    This doomed to DVD troubled production fails on many accounts, but has its heart in the right place and more than enough going for it to sustain interest. A great set up, "What if you accidentally kidnapped a devil kid?" garnished with excellent supporting players (like HENRY's MICHAEL ROOKER) and topped off with the awe inspiring cinematography of DEAN CUNDY (HALLOWEEN, THE THING). Sure, it's all a bit unconvincing but it blows last year's OMEN remake out of the water thanks to devil kid BLAKE WOODRUFF's knowingly sly delivery.
  • 28 WEEKS LATER
    MACINTOSH MUGGLETON plays the part of a normal kid with a normal name, but his life is anything but. In this quiet domestic drama, Andy finds out his mother is half zombie and his dad is about to follow her lead. How do people who love each other stay together when the people they love are no longer the people that they love?… Nah! just kidding, there are no zombies in this movie, just speedy red-eyed RAGE virus freakos!
  • JOSHUA
    What happens when you cross arthouse with grindhouse? Joshua the creepy kid tries to kill SAM ROCKWELL's baby! Or at least it seems that way at first. Actually little Joshy (JACOB KOGAN) has much more elaborate plans that include turning everyone around him ape-shit bonkers. His work is more subtle than most child maniacs, but you gotta respect the fact that he offers a homeless man 5 dollars if he'll let him throw a rock at him, and that he closes the film belting out an impromptu show tune about his misdeeds.
  • THE MIST
    Apparently I only ruin French movies because my lips are sealed on this tragically ignored future classic. Suffice it to say, the ending will blow you away and that young NATHAN GAMBLE participates in a scene that happily breaks every law of American cinema.
  • KID NATION
    O.K. this is not a horror movie, it's not even a movie, and some would say it's not even a proper television show, but c'mon we needed some more gals in our class [Note to Hollywood: Where have all the killer girls gone? Get on that!] and who is cooler than SOPHIA? Casting agents get to work, and redeem yourselves by tapping the talents of this TATUM O'NEAL-like, wise beyond her years, super-star waiting to happen! Stick her in MIST 2: THE AFTERMATH, or even 28 MONTHS LATER, just make it happen!

Nightmares

Posted on By unkle lancifer

This mid-eighties anthology offering is an entertaining excursion for those who prefer their chills ala cart. Dropping the usual wrap around story, we begin with a familiar tale based on an urban legend that has found its way into several other movies in one form or another. A woman, a car, a gas station attendant (here played by genre staple WILLIAM SANDERSON); hoary for sure, but it's not without built in suspense. The second story has become the film's calling card. EMILIO ESTEVEZ stars (along side CUJO's BILLY JACOBY) as a video game addict whose quest to reach the 13th level of a game called BISHOP OF BATTLE leads him to a then impressive effects-driven showdown with digital enemies that spew out of the old school arcade game. Next up, LANCE HENDRICKSON is a priest who has lost his faith and is forced to relive the plot of DUEL with a black truck whose driver's identity is only hinted at with an upside down crucifix in place of fuzzy dice. The final story brings two more familiar faces for horror fans, the always amazing VERONICA CARTWRIGHT (ALIEN) and RICHARD MASUR (J.C's THE THING). This often bickering married couple have a young daughter (sadly deceased SAVANNAH SMILES starlet BRIDGETTE ANDERSON) who has been voicing concern about a growing rat problem and wondering what became of her beloved cat Rosie. Veronica brings on her usual hysterics and even an exterminator in the form of FAME's Mr. Shorofsky (ALBERT HAGUE) but to no avail. Early glimpses of the oversized red-eyed menace are effective, but the final reveal of a blue-screened mouse begging for her deceased offspring busts a hole in the bubble. More a fun diversion than a full horror meal, NIGHTMARES still has its followers and not all of them favor EMILIO's video adventure.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • FEAR's LEE VING makes a cameo
  • Even the sexy whiles of MOON UNIT ZAPPA can't distract our EMILIO!
  • Hooray, one of the evil video monsters is an obvious homage to Centipede!
  • The devil truck emerges from under the earth
  • The rat rips apart all of the little girl's stuffed animals EXCEPT the one that looks like a mouse. MRS. FRISBY represent!

TRAUMAFESSIONS :: Reader Mickster on Frosty the Snowman

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

I was just watching FROSTY THE SNOWMAN for the millionth time this evening and remembered how it traumatized me as a child. The part where Professor Hinkle locks Frosty in the greenhouse to melt made me cry every year. I just knew he was melted forever and I was crushed. Also, Santa took his sweet time explaining that Frosty would be okay.

Thanks Mickster for the great Traumafession! And thanks to all who have sent in traumafesssions this year, you are the magic hats that keep Kindertrauma alive! Happy holidays to you all from Uncle Lancifer and Aunt John!

seasons beatings!

The Star Wars Holiday Special

Posted on By unkle lancifer

How does one measure the traumatic effect of adrenaline-fueled anticipation followed by sheer unadulterated soul crushing disappointment? For the pint-sized nerds in training who were unfortunate enough to witness the lone broadcast of THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL the level of utter bewilderment it inspired created a life long scar and initiated them forever into the ranks of the walking wounded. Imagine the cruelty of discovering Lucas's fantastic universe only to watch it be savagely debased by LAND OF THE LOST level special effects and a DONNY AND MARIE SHOW level cavalcade of bottom feeder guest stars. I actually believe that this much bootlegged atrocity has the power to drive the viewer insane. It is a viscous slap in the face of all that is rational and is the equivalent of a pixelated k hole. Grotesque dance numbers that would have been rejected from SOLID GOLD are sandwiched between scenes of a Wookie family being terrorized by storm troopers and sub moronic HARVEY KORMAN sketches. If you are strong enough to make it to the finale that involves CARRIE FISHER singing to the original film's theme, you will be rewarded with a montage of footage from the classic film as a sort of nasty taunt of the world you've left behind. Some of this spaceship wreck is indeed hilarious, and modern viewers will find much to laugh at, but I guarantee you, that laugh will slowly die and be replaced by a growing fear that there is something very, very wrong in the universe.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Unbearable dialogue-free opening consists of what seems like hours of nonsensical Wookie speak that sounds like a donkey being beaten to death by a 2×4
  • Grandpa Itchy's holiday gift entails virtual DIANE CARROL porn
  • Crazy-making miniature Cirque de Soliel dance number
  • Imperial guard can't resist tapping his fingers to JEFFERSON STARSHIP
  • BEA ARTHUR is cruised by HARVEY KORMAN at Mos Eisley Cantina and delivers a song that clears the house.
  • BEA reveals a clandestine relationship with an alien; "Short memory eh Thorpe?…SHORT MEMORY!" (Understandably, Thorpe appears to have blocked this drunken indiscretion from his mind).