Author: unkle lancifer

Yea, yea, yea, we get it, Rankin and Bass created a Christmas staple with RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER, and SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN is probably the best origin story Kris Kringle will ever receive. Even the somewhat lesser YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS introduced two original characters in the form of misers Heat and Snow that have become universally loved generational touchstones. But for every appreciated addition to the Christmas lexicon there are a half dozen more that garnered a resounding, "Thanks, but no thanks" from discerning tots. Rankin and Bass, apparently high off earlier successes (or something else) took a "throw every conceivable holiday and childhood icon against the wall and see what sticks" attitude in later productions that left television airwaves riddled with some of the most annoying and unwanted characters in history.We apologize in advance if you are insane enough to feel any love for the following… 10. Tingler, the sound imp from LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF SANTA CLAUS. He brays like a goat and is useless when battling the Orc-like "Awgwas". ADVENTURES was based on a book by OZ scribe L. FRANK BAUM but does all a disservice by negating everything that transpired in SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN. Being accused by Christian groups as being Satanic is usually enough to keep a program on our good side, but Tingler's harlequin bells remind us of the dastardly troll in CAT'S EYE, so here he sits! 9. Drunk Leprechaun from LEPRECHAUNS CHRISTMAS GOLD. We admit that rampant alcoholism is as important to the holidays as inappropriate mistletoe behavior and re-gifting, but these greedy magical lushes have their OWN holiday already! Plus the color green is more than adequately represented on X-mas, thank you. 8. Sister Jean from FIRST CHRISTMAS SNOW. A nun's habit is like the international symbol for brain numbing boredom to any normal child. Throw in lightening inflicted blindness and feral wolves for the perfect holiday feel bad downer. 7. Miss Lilly Loraine (ETHEL MERMAN) from RUDOLPH AND FROSTY'S CHRISTMAS IN JULY. With her inadequately explained ability to fly, inappropriate bust line, and penchant for belting out a song about her dissatisfying love life, this circus person comes off like a familiar sad relative who hides her chronic loneliness behind a mask of bawdy, out of date, self-deprecating humor. 6. Jack Frost from FROSTY'S WINTER WONDERLAND. As far as arch villains go, this bitter jealous old queen is about as threatening as a PROJECT RUNWAY judge. Luckily Frosty's wife Crystal (SHELLY WINTERS) knows the secret to disarming sociopathic egomaniacs like Miss Frost; a couple empty sycophantic compliments and he's blue putty in her frozen hands! 5. Celebrating the zero-wattage star power of GEORGE GOBEL, ‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS takes place in the always snore-filled olden-timey days. It's most annoying character is by far the intolerable, bespecled mouse Albert. Like many Christmas nay-sayers, Albert is preoccupied with useless subjects like science and reality, and with one scathing dis of a letter is able to make the usually reliable Saint Nick throw in the towel for good. In the R& B tradition everyone involved in this production has dental problems. 4. RUDOLPH'S HAPPY NEW YEAR concerns our red-nosed pal's search for missing baby "Happy" whose gargantuan ears cause ridicule wherever he crawls. Characters like caveman O.M. (short for One Million) give him a run for his money, but with his constant stupefied expression, WILLIAM KATT hair-don't and monstrous overbite, "Happy" takes the prize for least lovable being in this barrel scraper. 3. Like all chronic people-pleasers, Pinnoccio from PINOCCHIO'S CHRISTMAS is a habitual liar. His self obsession and preoccupation with becoming real is about as entertaining as a snow bank melting. The inescapable phallic symbolism of his uncontrollable olfactory organ and dud songs like "Knock on Wood" exasperate what's already a holiday must-miss. 2. Cribbing desperately from the far superior Rudolph story, Nester of NESTER THE LONG EARED DONKEY is another sad sack that is ripped to shreds by everybody until the fateful day they find some selfish use for him. This depressing nightmare even includes a scene in which Nester's mother freezes to death on top of him while trying to protect him from a severe snow storm. As far as holiday fun goes, you might as well watch REQUIEM FOR A DREAM. 1. Give it up!, JACK FROST is not a viable Christmas character! He sucked as a bad guy in that Frosty toon (#6), and he stinks as a protagonist in this clunker! From its obnoxious trying too hard opening theme that consists of various shots of Jack, arms akimbo laughing his head off about God knows what, this lump of coal is the most repellent of the R&B specials. Even if we could stomach the SANDY DUNCAN-like shenanigans of its titular star, there's no excuse for killjoy BUDDY HACKET as a narrating groundhog!

After super computer Proteus (voiced by ROBERT VAUGHAN) and his creator Alex Harris (FRITZ WEAVER) agree to disagree about the ecological risks of ocean mining among other things, Proteus decides to take matters into his own non-hands by highjacking the home of Harris's estranged wife Susan(JULIE CHRISTIE).Touchy-feely seventies psychology goes head to head with clinical science as these two battle for control of the roost. With the help of an armed wheel chair and absolute power over every electronic device available in the futuristic domicile, Proteus easily gains the upper metalic hand by breaking Susan down PATTY HEARST style. It turns out that the all-knowing computer is not interested in harming his human speciman, but rather wants to impregnate her with his child to achieve imortality. Less famous than its SIMPSONS TREEHOUSE OF HORROR parody, DEMON SEED is an interesting, though far fetched psychedelic ride obvioulsly indebted if not in awe of STANLEY KUBRICK'S masterpiece 2001: A SPACE ODDITY. The end results of Proteus's biological tinkering are amusing at first thanks to some wonky effects work but when the scales are peeled off the new-age golden child, we learn that our domineering databank may have had a heart after all.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S)

• CHRISTIE gets "baked" in her kitchen
• The simulated electric shock doorbell death of a little girl
• GERRIT GRAHAM (PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE) looses his head
• The trippy insemination dream
• Birth of a 14 carrot gold Garbaage Pail Kid

The chowder society, a group of elderly gentlemen played by screen legends FRED ASTAIRE, MELVYN DOUGLAS, DOUGLAS FAIRBANKS JR. and JOHN HOUSEMAN (THE FOG), gather on occasion to spook each other out with ghost stories. All of its members are beginning to not only have horrific dreams but also vivid visitations from a female spirit. The groups actual function may be for its members to silently commiserate about a dastardly deed they themselves committed long ago. The apparition is apparently feeding off their guilt while seeking vengeance for this unmentionable act. The son of one of its members (ELM STREET 3's CRAIG WASSON) has hands-on knowledge of the ghost's vendetta, not only because she killed his twin sibling but because he's been playing dirty bath tub games with her himself. This movie is a real heartbreaker. It has elements that are absolutely sublime, like it's gorgeous cinematography, bombastic BERNARD HERMAN-like score, not to mention it's trump card, an other worldly  performance by ALICE KRIGE (SILENT HILL), and yet every time it should be leaping, it frustratingly pulls back on the reigns. Based on PETER STRAUB'S novel, arguably one of the best modern supernatural tales in existence, one expects more. Sadly the script not only bites off more than it can chew but out of exhaustion, settles for gnawing on the plate rather than the meal. Ambiance goes a long way and there are some real chills to be found here, but you do have to wade through several very ineffective scare scenes as well. Sloppy editing, characters leaping toward the camera, and poorly orchestrated prat falls abound. But if loving GHOST STORY is wrong, I don't want to be right. It's got some major flaws, but every time I see FAIRBANKS take his fateful walk toward the town bridge through a blanket of all encompassing snow I'm in my happy place. Did I mention the gorgeous matte work of ALBERT WITLOCK is like a gift from God? Maybe when I'm dead I'll come back to haunt the script writer and editor and I'll finally feel fulfilled.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• WASSON's full frontal skyscraper fall
• When they were younger the chowderheads were so douche-y that one of them had to be played by KEN OLIN
• DICK SMITH's awesome effects, though sometimes sloppily incorporated, consistently break the tedium
• FRED ASTAIRE carries a blade and he ain't afraid to use it!

Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of public domain limbo, SNBN is beginning to build quite a reputation amongst horror enthusiasts. Filmed in 1972 and featuring a P.O.V. insane asylum escape and creepily voiced phone terrorism, this holiday horror predates slasher boom catalysts HALLOWEEN and BLACK CHRISTMAS. Many are beginning to perceive it as the missing link between 70's sleaze and 80's assembly line gore mongering. Cursed with one of it's main star's death (JAMES PATTERSON), a 2 year stint on the shelf and famously poor quality transfer issues, this film's biggest break thus far has been a memorable presentation on ELVIRA'S MOVIE MACABRE in the mid eighties. (actually it double featured with my ultimate trauma inducer SATAN'S TRIANGLE) B-movie goddess MARY WARONOV stars as Diane Adams, the mayor's daughter in the town of East Willard who gets wrapped up in a chain of events involving a foreboding mansion's ownership. The house has a grim history that involves much of the town and the impending sale of the property has irked a shadowy black-gloved killer who could be anyone. What fascinates most here is the film's unique tone and visual style. Somber, barely decipherable images float along side Woronov's ice cold narration and an offbeat soundtrack to produce a nearly trance like effect. Fans of the eerie non-logic and ambiguous finale of LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH will feel right at home here. Those who prefer a clean get away after viewing should stand warned, recalling the film's plot as the credits roll is akin to trying to remember an elusive childhood nightmare.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

• The abrupt PSYCHO-esque axe murder cuts through the foggy atmosphere like…well, like an axe!
• The sepia soaked flashback that plays like THE BROTHERS QUAY animating the shroud of Turin
• Woronov's factory cohorts CANDY DARLING and ONDINE appear
• Wine glass shoved in eye
• The shocking, befuddling conclusion

*KINDERFLASH!!!: For more on SNBN check out this recent review at MMMMmovies. The always alert and versed Vicar of VHS also unearthed this intriguing SNBN fansite. Thanks Vicar!