kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

Dead and Buried

Posted on By unkle lancifer

How's this for an opening? A photographer walks a deserted beach taking National Geographic like shots of seagulls and the like. He comes across a beautiful girl who resembles a 1950's pin-up. She offers to pose for him and the photos he takes become more and more erotic. She suddenly exposes her breasts and propositions him. His excitement is short lived as he's surrounded by variously garbed townspeople who then begin taking pictures of him. He is then savagely beaten, wrapped to a post with fish netting, and doused with gasoline, all while the object of his lust smiles approvingly. "Welcome to Potter's Bluff," one of them says as another lights a match and sets him afire. The townspeople then circle around him and watch as he burns. If this mortifying display was not enough, the victim later appears as a happy member of the malicious mob. (more…)

An Open Letter to Mrs. Kobritz by Stevie Wayne

Posted on By unkle lancifer


I'm sure I hardly need to introduce myself; I'm sorta a big deal. Unless you live under a rock or don't own a radio, you know who I am. If you have somehow not heard my awesome radio show (KAB rocks!) you've certainly seen me riding around Antonio Bay in my wicked convertible! Well, I'm not here to promote myself, but rather to expose a certain oldster who's gotten a free pass in this town as of late. I'm talking of Mrs. Kobritz and her dubious abilities as a babysitter. I've ignored missing under garments, the dilution of my liquor with tap water, and habitual tardiness, but it's high time Mrs. Kobritz be held accountable for her routinely irresponsible behavior. First of all, I realize that the other night there was an out of the ordinary occurrence that had many of our locals running about pell-mell begging for God to intervene. (I'm referring to the zombie-infested fog bank that engulfed the town.) But many of us were still able to do our jobs and even help others when the opportunity arose. I know I did everything I conceivably could to warn all my listeners of the impending danger (off the clock!). And let's face reality folks, the crew of the Elizabeth Dane were only going to kill six of us; it's not like the whole town was going down! (more…)

Stephen King's IT

Posted on By unkle lancifer

The miniseries IT hits some pretty astounding highs and some equally astounding lows but, sown throughout is a performance that is destined for infamy. TIM CURRY's Pennywise the clown is nothing short of one of the most terrifying figures in horror. Like oh so many of the films that are mentioned on these pages, IT's origins began in the mind of STEPHEN KING. Director TOMMY LEE WALLACE (HALLOWEEN 3, FRIGHT NIGHT 2) certainly had a gargantuan task on his hands. Many of the Lovecraft-ian multidimensional ideas of the 1,000 plus page epic novel were simply unfilmable, and attempts to scale them down are understandably less than successful. This is why the well earned climax usually leaves the viewer a bit undernourished and dissatisfied. Rather than watch our seven heroes, the STAND BY ME-ish "losers" battle the nemesis we've grown to fear and love, they share fisticuffs with a spider-like reject from CLASH OF THE TITANS. What they are seeing in fact, is the being in the closest form that their collective minds are capable of producing. (A kid who does see IT's true form is instantly turned into a white haired JIM JARMUSCH clone). Unfortunately for the viewer it's not a fraction as frightening as the mocking, child-killing monster that skipped around the rest of the movie with an arsenal of blood filled balloons, stale jokes and an elaborate display of phantasmagorical fortune cookies. That said, audiences mostly share the same selective memory as the inhabitants of King's fictional town of Derry. Few can recall the giant spider, they're still quivering over the clown.

INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

Any scene with Pennywise is scary take your pick:

  • In the sewer
  • In the clotheslines
  • In the shower
  • In the sink
  • In the road
  • In the library
  • In the moon? Yes, he even shows up in the moon. What is up with this guy?

Rob Zombie's Halloween

Posted on By unkle lancifer

rob zombie halloween kids who kill woods
No, It's not a masterpiece like the original. Gone is the pitch perfect ominous supernatural dread. Gone is the focus on the stalwart Laurie Strode. In it's place is debatably the most interesting portrayal of a child killer in years. Before scoffing imagine Zombie's haunted hay ride without it's impossible to live up to title, HALLOWEEN, you will see the tale of a harassed child who snaps completely and a mother who desperately clings to the hope that her son is not lost forever to mental illness. Zombie's white trash environment was widely criticized for being a cheap tack on catalyst for lil' Mikey's madness. I don't read it that way. His siblings share a similar upbringing without a hint of the same affliction. In fact, young Michael has no memory of his actions and explicitly wants to return home and be with the family he still imagines alive. No, the roots of his behavior do not involve druid style mumbo jumbo, but he is taken over by a nameless something that still fits snugly inside the definition of EVIL. DAEG FAERCH's heartbreaking portrayal is original in the annals of horror, with his soft features and sensitive disposition towards his mother ("I like your hair curly. It's pretty.") He is the antithesis of the robotic, cut in stone child demons that are usually displayed in movies like THE OMEN or THE VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED. When Michael reaches adulthood the second half of the film concerns the events we are more familiar with, but the shells in this game are switched around enough that you never really know what's going to happen. Laurie bringing Lindsey BACK home to the Wallace's to check on Annie? Brilliant. Credit should also be given for the more brutal and realistic violence. Usually In slasher movies victims go down quickly and easily. A simple machete to the face and they'll even pose for you so can place them in a make shift shrine. These victims convulse, shake, squirm and crawl away just like real ones and the result is visceral and disturbing. In my book, Zombie's meta take easily achieves the gonzo schlocky pandemonium of a real honest to goodness horror film, the kind of which there are far too few. I agree the ham fisted editing does weaken the theatrical version, but the director's work-print closes with a much more touching and enduring finale involving a voice over from Mike and Dr.Loomis's first session together. As the audio rolls we hear Faerch's pip-squeak voice intone "Hi, I'm Micheal Myers…" Was his performance enough to convince me of that fact? To quote from the original film: "As a matter of fact…it was."

  • "Love hurts" Zombie may never live it down but it's a counterintuitive choice that genuinely lingers
  • Bully gets his comeuppance in the woods. If you say you didn't enjoy this scene as much as I did you are a liar
  • Tiny Mike in giant mask
  • Lil' Mike takes care of the nurse followed by an ear maddening siren blare
  • Many people THINK about blowing their brains out when watching home movies. Mommy Moon doesn't just think about it, she DOES it!

Halloween Costume Quiz

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Here's some groovy costume ideas. While you're perusing them, try to figure out which respective movies they appeared in! Warning: If you get all of them right it means you are insane! Answers can be found in the comments section. Good Luck, chuckleheads! (more…)

TRAUMAFESSION :: Reader Dawn on HALLOWEEN

Posted on By unkle lancifer

halloween laurie strode class fate child abuse
We were moved by this Traumafession. Even though it saddened us, we think it illustrates just how cathartic and even inspiring a well done horror film can be.

The first time I saw HALLOWEEN it was on television and I was babysitting two kids at the time! Of course I immediately identified and was moved by Laurie's sense of responsibility towards the kids in her care. I've probably watched it once a year ever since. It wasn't until later in life that I realized that I related to her for another reason altogether. I grew up in a very abusive household. Running around the halls of a suburban house screaming for my life was like second nature to me. The scene that I love the most is when Laurie is in class and her teacher is talking about how fate is an unmovable object. Laurie has no idea what fate has in store for her that Halloween night; that she is going to have to transform herself to survive. She was and is a hero of mine because she grabbed that knitting needle, because she grabbed that clothes hanger, because she became someone she never knew she was.

Rikki-Tikki-Tavi

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

rikki tikki tavi scary cobra
 This 1975 CHUCK JONES animated telling of RUDYARD KIPLING's short story from THE JUNGLE BOOK features two villains capable of sending any child into retreat. The husband and wife tag-team terror strikers were named Nag and Nagaina and they were scary as hell cobras. With piercing eyes and hissing voices, they planned a heinous home invasion that, if successful, would leave a family of three dead. Of course all such plans are laid to waste as each of them are disposed of by the adorable and heroic mongoose named Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

  • Rikki stomps sand snake Karait
  • Nag's late night siege of the bathroom
  • Terror in the gazebo
  • The Rickster uses Nagaina's egg as bait

Trilogy Of Terror

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

zuni doll karen black trilogy of terror
 Anyone who wants to hear about the first two stories in this trilogy raise your hand…anybody?…nobody? But they really showcase the talent of KAREN BLACK! No? Alright, I'll make it quick. In the first one she plays a dowdy spinster who's really a man-eater type hussy and in the second one she plays a dowdy spinster who's ALSO a man-eater type hussy. (It's like trying to watch MARY REILLY and PRETTY WOMAN at the same time with your eyes crossed). Now on to the yummy gravy. In the third installment she is cast (against type) as a relatively normal human. She's not a hussy, though her mom thinks she is and she's not a spinster because her hair is not in a bun and she doesn't wear glasses. She's also branching out with a new love interest, an anthropologist who she purchased a lovely Zuni fetish doll for. Most of this information is told to us via a phone conversation with her unseen ma who seems to keep her offspring on a pretty tight umbilical cord. After conveying to her mother that she's an adult and capable of handing herself "Amelia" prepares a bath, but not before she knocks the little gold necklace off the doll. Thing is, the doll came with a note that explained the jewelry was keeping the tchotchke from coming to life. What follows is a whirlwind of gnashing teeth, swinging blades and wince inspiring screeches and gnarls as Zuni seems determined to illustrate mom's point of view that Amelia should have never left the nest. It doesn't matter how old you are, or how may times you've seen this RICHARD MATHESON penned tellevision movie, when this knee-high Tasmanian devil hits full tilt boogie mode you'll either be on the edge of your seat or lifting your feet away from the bottom of the couch.

    INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

    • Blade under bathroom door
    • He can work doorknobs!
    • Lil' Zuni doll cutting through suitcase
    • BLACK squatting on the floor pounding her blade in anticipation of mom's arrival
    • BLACK's new dental work

I Killed Three People! by Rynn Jacobs

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

jodie foster kills little girl who lives down the lane
 Howdy folks, My name is Rynn Jacobs,(JODIE FOSTER)I just killed three people and I could give a flying fig newton. I had no choice really because people don't seem to get that this is MY HOUSE! You see, my terminally ill father took his own life like many a great poet before him, but not before he made a plan to make sure I was well taken care of. We found a beautiful house in a seaside town and he paid the rent up front for three years. At 18 I could do want I want but pops wanted to make sure I didn't have to go to public school where I would be taught by THEM. THEM are those who tell you what life is about so you never really find out for yourself. The first two kills were happy mistakes. My mother showed up one day with her bright red nail polish and it was clear she had "taking over" in mind. As instructed by my father I gave her some tea with a little powder he had prepared. She said it tasted like almonds before she keeled over. The second was the nasty Mrs. Hallet (a begging to be killed ALEXIS SMITH) who stomped in as if she owned the place and never once asked if she might. She found mom's corpse in the cellar and when the cellar door knocked her on the head, she ended up lying right next to her. Don't shed any tears for that one, she was a snobby racist who was always threatening to tell the schoolboard about me. The third was ALL my doing. Mrs. Hallet's son Frank (sleezy MARTIN SHEEN), what a piece of work! I met him on my birthday, Halloween night. It was clear from the get go that he was a pervert. He also tripped my crippled magician confidant Mario (kinderidol SCOTT JACOBY) and killed my pet hamster Ralph by putting a cigarrette out on him! Plus I swear he was trying to cop a feel when he reached into my nightgown to inquire about my key necklace. What really signed the creep's death certificate though was when he found out about my set-up and tried to blackmail me into being "his." THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE don't play that. How's your tea Frank? No, that almond taste is NOT from the cookies! Tell your mom "Rynn says hi, and sorry about the jelly glasses!"

TRAUMAFESSION :: Kinderpal Ralphus on Kane

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

scary kane poltergeist old man
 

There are few moments in any film that still haunt me from childhood. I was into horror films whole-heartedly at a young age, my cherry-popper being the original NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET on VHS at around 1st or 2nd grade. After that I went through the HALLOWEEN's, FRIDAY the 13th's, and subsequent ELM STREETS's like a fire burning through southern California in October. I feel compelled to write about one such film that still creeps my once-Catholic soul. Since the only thing as a youth that really scared me was being in church, I still get that bottomless pit stomach feeling when I hear the song, "God is in His Holy Temple…" from POLTERGEIST II. It's the Reverend Henry Kane who can send me back to being 8 years old. Carol-Anne had it rough, the scene in the strip mall when Kane comes up and sings that creepy song to her, holding her hands, smiling at her with those huge teeth, I'm surprised HEATHER O'ROURKE didn't need therapy after that. What really gets me to this day is when Kane comes strolling up to the house in the rain, singing his song, and asks to be let inside. As he peers deeply into CRAIG T. NELSON's eyes, he starts predicting his fears and inadequacies as a husband and father. Then, more forcefully through the screen door, he demands, "Let me in!". If I recall that part in a dream tonight, there is a good chance I might wet the bed. Those old man teeth, those piercing eyes, the hat, that whole religious zealot personality that says "Hey, come join us for the mass suicide!" It proves that religious folks with a scary hats can be just as frightening as a masked guy with a knife. When He screams, "You're gonna die in hell! All of you! You are gonna die!" it's perfectly chilling and holds up just as well today as it did in 1986. Let's not forget the song, "Earthly thoughts, be silent now…".