Depressed Horse Commits Suicide
Author: unkle lancifer
Satan's Triangle
When I was young I was scared of two things, The Bermuda Triangle and the Devil. I was pretty sure the triangle had to stay put, so if I decided not to go on any plane or boat rides I would be all right. The devil too, I imagined was easily identifiable, (resembling the character on the Underwood Deviled Ham can) and pretty much restricted to staying far underground in a place called H-E-double-hockey-sticks. These theories and more would vaporize the night I begged my mother to let me stay up and watch SATAN'S TRIANGLE a 1975 television movie. The film starts off pleasantly enough with the Coast Guard finding an abandoned vessel with one lone survivor. Doug McClure listens intently as an icy Kim Novak recounts the paranormal demise of all aboard. Doug is a skeptic and is able to find logical solutions to every mysterious anecdote she has to offer. It's all very soothing to realize that every spooky unexplainable occurrence can be effortlessly shot through full of holes by the rational McClure. After everything is put in its place and we decide nothing is amiss, a helicopter arrives and suddenly the fabric of all we thought was real begins to unravel at a demonic speed. As much as I'd love to reveal the ending, I really couldn't do it justice anyway… suffice it to say, it's still the scariest I've ever seen. Besides bearing witness to the creepiest, longest, direct eye contact, smile ever put to film; my sense of reality along with Mr. McClure's character's was smashed into a million pieces and would never be repaired. My mother had her hands full trying to get my screaming, crying ass into bed that night and, for what seemed like years, I would huddle under the covers trying not to think bad thoughts. From that night on I lived with the realization that the devil and even the Bermuda triangle were a lot closer than I thought.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):
- The levitating cadaver
- Death by swordfish
- EVERYTHING that happens after the Helicopter arrives…
Dracula Calls Five Year Old a Bitch!
Count Dracula, who is not exactly well known for his positive contributions to society hit a new low when he used misogynist hate speak in addressing Monster Squad member Phoebe Crenshaw — who is just the tender age of five. Though evil, undead, and a creature of the night, the Count was widely viewed as the most cultured and refined of the classic monsters; his recent actions could tarnish this perception permanently. If the sequences of events in the film MONSTER SQUAD are to be believed (and I have no reason to doubt them) Ms. Crenshaw, with aid of a magic amulet, was in the process of delivering an incantation in German that would summon a whirlpool leading to a "limbo" dimension that was meant to trap the Transylvanian forever. So enraged was the Count at the idea of being foiled that he grabbed the diminutive Crenshaw by the chin, lifted her off the ground, and bellowed in her face "Give me the amulet you B-I-T-C-H!" Onlookers both human and monster alike were taken aback by the outburst. A fish creature who asked not to be named had only this to say, "Not cool."
TRAUMAFESSION #1
Hey look! It's our very first TRAUMAFESSION and it comes from somebody I KNOW saw too many horror flicks as a tot, my very own niece Tiffani!
Chucky and Freddy were by far my worst experiences with horror movies as a child. As a little kid, watching a movie about someone who kills you in your dreams right before you go to bed is probably not a great idea. It makes you want to do one thing… never fall asleep, which is probably a parent's worst nightmare. Then you have Chucky. How would you feel if you believed your favorite doll was killing your family and babysitters when you weren't looking and inevitably wanted to use you as a sacrifice? Not a heartwarming thought. As a kid, most movies couldn't top those two. They made little kids imaginations run wild in a terrible kind of way.
Oh yeah! And you can't forget PET SEMETARY with the little dead baby, Gage. Especially when he says, 'I played with Mommy. We had a awfully good time! Now, I want to play with YOU!' And when he slit the guy's Achilles… that was awful.
Remember kids, write in so we can post your TRAUMAFESSION and then you can be all cool like Tiffani!
Paris Hilton's Aunt is Dead!
She escaped Witch Mountain; she even had the moxie to return to Witch Mountain. She has fought Devil Dogs and withstood Tuff Turf. She even survived living with Maclean Stevenson in Portland for pete's sake! (Portland is a long way from L.A. by the way). So I had every reason to believe precocious moppet Kim Richards would survive ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 fully intact and ready to rumble. Boy, was I wrong, DEAD wrong! There Kim was just minding her own business when she saw an ice cream truck down the way, blaring its intoxicating music as if to say, "Come hither". As any normal child might do, the braided lass shook her father down for some green and headed on her way, nothing more on her mind then copping a cone. She is then met by what can only be described as some of the worst costumer service ever recorded on film. The sweaty bundle of nerves behind the steering wheel at first declines the opportunity to fulfill the lowly dreams of our heroine by insisting it's "too late". Undeterred, Kim counters that his music is still playing and therefore it is actually not "too late". The horrible, underpaid schlub finally does his menial job and hands over the cold confection, and Kim skips off satiated. This is where the shit hits the fan ‘cause as she goes off on her merry way, a car full of hooligans that resemble David Bowie and Che Guevara hijack the ice cream truck. But who cares ‘cuz Kim got her cone and is off on another adventure, right? Wrong! A last minute inspection of her purchase reveals that dead moron ice cream goon gave her PLAIN vanilla when she succinctly asked for vanilla RIPPLE! Kim rightfully returns to the truck to demand satisfaction but her request is denied in the form of a bullet being shot into her chest! I know what you're thinking, you sign up for a John Carpenter movie, you roll the dice, but it all seems a tad unfair when you consider that kid sis Kyle Richards gets to survive an attack by none other than Michael Myers two years later in Carpenter's HALLOWEEN!
Official Traumatot: Fairuza Balk
Our first TRAUMATOT award goes to Lil' Balky for her stellar work in RETURN TO OZ, and her ongoing genre contributions like THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU and, especially, THE CRAFT, in which she rocks it even harder. Hooray for you Fairuza for being the first ever TRAUMATOT award recipient!
The Burning
This summer camp slasher opus has one ingredient most neglect… little campers! And guess what? Old roasted face Cropsy, the resident maniac, ain't checking IDs. He doesn't care how old you are! He's got a pair a gardening shears and he's going to use them regardless of your age, virgin status or level of responsibility for his hideous disfigurement! What's that you say? You have no desire to see kids terrorized in such a fashion? What if I told you the kids were Jason Alexander, Holly Hunter and the highly disposable Fisher Stephens? I thought so. THE BURNING may seem like a garden variety slasher film but it's always zigging where the others zag and it's got a crazy score by YES man Rick Wakeman. If that's not enticing enough, you've got Tom Savini gore meister extraordinaire providing the flying body parts! On the downside there are Weinsteins in the
production credits so be prepared for tacked on endings, William Burroughs inspired editing, continuity chasms, and a general disdain for the directors original vision.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):
- the raft scene
- the raft scene
- and the raft scene!
SEE ALSO: Final Girl Film Club
Poltergeist
Don't let the name STEVEN SPIELBERG or the PG rating fool you, this film has caused countless sleepless nights and it's done so for decades. What's so scary about POLTERGEIST? Well first of all, it takes place somewhere many kids can easily identify with, suburbia. Any child who has recently gained mastery over their fears of cobweb strewn mansions or gothic castles are instantly sent back to square one. Secondly, unlike many of its R rated contemporaries, POLTERGESIT is not afraid to deal with the very real specter of death. From flushing pet canaries down the toilet, to coffins emptying their contents into the swimming pool, actual mortality is present here. An after life is also suggested, but it's cold comfort considering the place is not only overcrowded, but apparently covered in a substance not unlike cherry Jell-o. The tagline warning "It knows what scares you!" might as well have been made directly to the juvenile set, because the lion's share of POLTERGEIST's most indelible scares are based on common childhood fears. For example: See that comforting tree outside your bedroom window, the one that's basically a marker that you're home and safe? Yeah, well, it's actually going to try to swallow you whole…and that clown doll that you used to insist sleep in the same bed as you? He's kinda got arms that can grow to any size that he wants to wrap around your neck. You don't mind if he pulls you under the bed do you? Actually few are safe from the anxiety factory that is Poltergeist, from Dad's bad financial investment to Mom's fear of literally loosing her child to the television set. Nobody here gets off Scott free, but unlike the parental figures in POLTERGEIST, most kids don't have the luxury of a little toke of ganja to help them get to sleep at night.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):
- Everybody's least favorite toy, the clown doll looking to "hug it out"
- "One, one thousand, two, one thousand" …the kite eating tree's revenge!
- The guy ripping his face off in the mirror…a Proactive commercial gone horribly wrong
Don't Go To Sleep
Aaron Spelling produced this fondly remembered 1982 supernatural outing that stared Dennis Weaver, Valerie Harper and the legendary Ruth Gordon. A family moves into a new house in an effort to start anew after the tragic death of their eldest daughter. Soon middle child Mary is in full contact with her dead sister and willing to do her bidding which includes the systematic annihilation of her entire family. Is Mary insane? Schizophrenic? Possessed? Or is the ghost of her sister the real deal? Highly engrossing, admittedly campy, indisputably creepy, and nearly impossible to shake.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S)
- Gordon's death by lizard
- the "artsy" smashing watermelon cut
- The ominous pizza cutter rolling up the bannister
- Mary tying Jen's shoes together in the car
- Any scene of Mary in a straitjacket
- Big sister Jennifer's horrifically uncanny Cheshire cat grin in the film's finale
Salem's Lot
This seminal 1979 Stephen King adaption may start off like a Peyton Place inspired nightime soaper but by the end of its nearly four hour run viewers were witness to some of the most terrifying scenes on network television. Tobe Hooper's less then faithfull adaption takes it time, but its pacing only adds to the palpable atmosphere of dread. Lingering shots and long moments of silence are seldom taken advantage of in contemporary horror films. Here they are utilized to create unbearable moments of suspense, and perhaps one of the last truly great gothic vampire films.
INDELIBLE SCENE(S):
- The young vampire floating outside the window surrounded by backwards moving mist, scratching at the glass
- A glowing-eyed Geoffrey Lewis getting up from his rocking chair to demand "loook at meeee teacher!…"
- Nosferatu inspired master vampire Barlow appearing in Lance Kerwin's kitchen to knock his parents skulls together
