kindertrauma

Author: unkle lancifer

NILBOG Is GOBLIN Spelled Backwards!

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

nilbog goblin backwards Troll 2
 Although barely a dot on a map and with a population of a mere 26, the town of Nilbog has quite a reputation. It's thought of as a wonderful half empty town full of farmers who live like our ancestors did hundreds of years ago. You can barely step into a supermarket these days without being exposed to row after row of their vitamin enriched milk. The townsfolk are devout vegetarians but not complete wet blankets. Many believe that the new "HAND GLASSES" dance craze that's sweeping the nation originated in the little hamlet. But if you're looking for that famous country hospitality, I suggest you look elsewhere. I contend that there's a skeleton in Nilbog's closet and that skeleton is not a skeleton, that skeleton is a goblin! For it has come to my attention that the town's very name is GOBLIN spelled backwards. Feel like vomiting? The line starts behind me.For the non-believers out there I challenge you to this experiment. First, grab a piece of scrap paper and a writing utensil preferably a feather dipped in ink. Now write the evil town's name NILBOG on that paper. After waiting several minutes for the ink to dry hold the scrap of paper, words side out in front of a piece of reflecting glass such as a bathroom mirror (or for you ladies a handy compact.) THERE, DO YOU SEE IT? If you concentrate hard and squint your eyes I'm sure you can make out the despicable word "GOBLIN.""Who are the goblins?" some may ask. Well I assure you that they are not the stuff of fairy tales, they are real. They are cruel deformed forest dwellers and they are spiteful and impudent. No, I did not say impotent. I said impudent, look it up. They can transform themselves into flesh and blood creatures whenever and however they want…They can! These vengeful evil creatures make you eat green pudding until you start to sweat chlorophyll green- the color of goblins, the color of sap. They then turn you into a half-man half-plant, their favorite food! They do all of this with a voracity that has no equal. Why? No reason. Goblins don't need to justify their cruel acts. If NILBOG has nothing to hide, why has my every inquiry been rebuffed? I've gotten the cold shoulder from both Creedence Leonore Gielguld AND Sheriff Gene Freak. In fact, when I asked the sheriff a simple question that was not related to this case, "Where could I find some single unattached girls?" He just laughed in my face and drove off. What are you hiding Sheriff? Did you really think offering me an ear of corn with green butter on it would shut me up? I got news for you Freak, tonight I'll be doing more research on your dirty little goblin kingdom. Tonight I'll be by watching TROLL 2!  
goblin troll 2 nilbog
  

Official Traumatot: Heather O'Rourke

Posted on By unkle lancifer

 

Heather O'Rourke poltergeist

Dear Heather, by rights you should have been our very first TRAUMATOT but we were at a loss to try to find the words to describe your Herculean influence on KINDERTRAUMALAND. You owned POLTERGEIST, and though some say you toy-phoned in your performances in 2 and 3 to that we say …P'SHAW! Our only wish is that we could have seen you in parts 4,5 and 6!!!  

Let's Scare Jessica To Death

Posted on By unkle lancifer

let's scare Jessica vampire lakePoor Jessica, she just got released from a four month stay at a mental institution and she ain't feeling so great. I guess riding around in a hearse and making crafty tombstone rubbings on tissue paper isn't as therapeutic as you'd think. ZOHRA LAMPERT not to be confused with TYNE DALY stars as the twitchy title character in this spooky and subtle sleeper. She along with her long-suffering husband BARTON HAEYMAN from THE EXORCIST have just escaped the chaos of New York and bought a beautiful house in the New England countryside. They've even brought along a bug eyed walrus-faced pal named Woody to help with the apple orchard. Yes, all Jessica needs is a little fresh air and some peace and quiet and maybe she'll stop having those nasty audio and visual hallucinations. When they arrive at what is referred to ominously as, "The old Bishop place" they find an ethereal red headed squatter named Emily. You can tell this film takes place in the seventies because instead of shooting her in the face and calling the cops, they invite her to stick around, drink some wine and play MELANIE type songs on her guitar. Inevitably hubby and hottie hippy chick share horny glances and Jessica begins her nosedive into full blown madness. You'll be right there with her because the most impressive thing about this movie is that it locks you into it's unreliable narrator's head and it does not let you go. There's a near constant clammer of subtle and not so subtle sounds, creakings, moanings, whispering voices, some are Jessica's "Don't tell them, they won't believe you!" and some are not, "I'm in your blood!" There's also an overwhelming sense of internal isolation that brings to mind CHARLOTTE GILMAN's famous short story THE YELLOW WALLPAPER. The plot is as evasive as a wraith. It goes from psychological thriller to ghost story to vampire tale and back again and it's impossible to put your thumb down on what's really going on. Unlike most films where the audience is asked to view things miles ahead of its protagonists, you never have any more information then Jessica does. We begin and end our story with Jessica floating in a small boat pondering what she has experienced– "Nightmares or dreams, madness or insanity, I don't know which is which…" Don't be surprised if by film's end you wind up in the same perplexing boat.

    INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

    • The mute waif roaming the woods
    • Murder of the mole!
    • Emily coming out of the water
    • Discovering Woody on the tractor
    • Waking up encircled by the creepy, scarred townsfolk

    The Black Hole

    Posted on By unkle lancifer

     

    black hole hell maximillion
    Like much of Disney's output during the late seventies/early eighties there is an undercurrent in this film that's a tad bit unsettling. It's not a proper horror film for sure, but in some ways it follows the classic trope closer than most "proper" horror films do. What's that you say? Unkle lancifer has lost his marbles? Before you grab your torches hear me out. We start off with a group of desperate travelers looking for shelter. This is how every old dark house thriller begins including OLD DARK HOUSE. They then find what appears to be an abandoned ghost ship to take refuge in. Resembling a gothic cathedral, the spacecraft Cygnus could be viewed as a sort of haunted castle. Inside they meet a mad scientist MAXMILLIAN SCHELL and his formidable creation Maximillion, a bulky metal Golem that one of the characters compares to Frankenstein's monster (He actually looks like a giant floating swiss army knife.) Suspicious of their host, the travelers try to settle in as they learn clue after clue about their benefactor's true nature. After horror icon ANTHONY PERKINS is killed by the dreaded Maximillion (he's shredded by one of his blades) the jig is indeed up. It is also revealed that the entire crew of the ship including one of the traveler's fathers, has fallen prey to Reinhart's experiments and are now zombie slaves. The rest of the movie of course concerns the escape and destruction of the "castle". True, there are cute robots and lots of laser gun firing but this is all just sci-fi window dressing. THE BLACK HOLE even offers a glimpse into a place few horror films dare go…hell itself. The film's final astonishing set pieces involve rivers of flowing lava, fiery explosions and the marching of hooded figures through a cavernous landscape that would give HEIRONYMUS BOSCH pause. You gotta feel sorry for all the lil' tykes out there who were just looking to tame their STAR WARS jones. Sure there ARE long stretches that are goofy and outdated and the cast seems ripped from one of the era's lesser disaster flicks but THE BLACK HOLE is much, much darker than you'd think.

       INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

      • The introduction of Maximillion
      • Perkins trying to protect himself with a book and failing miserably
      • Reinhardt and Maximillion merging atop a cliff and making a scarab-like silhouette

       

      hellscape hell robots
       

      Children of the Corn

      Posted on By unkle lancifer

       

      malachai children of the corn killer kids
       Few child killer movies have cemented themselves as securely in the public's consciousness as THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN. It's become a veritable punchline and the go-to title when describing any group with blind, cult-like followers. The fact that the movie is not nearly as strong as it's reputation hardly matters anymore. A twenty-something PETER HORTON and a pre-TERMINATOR LINDA HAMILTON play a couple who find themselves in the eerie town of Gatlin, Nebraska where the child population has slaughtered the adult population and worships an unseen being called HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS. A LOGAN'S RUN type clause in the youngin's new found religion also states that when they turn 19, the children themselves are to be sacrificed to their god in order to prevent future adults. It's a frightening concept, imagine a world where happy meals were the only thing on the menu at McDonalds! There's a lot of missed opportunities visually and the acting, with the definite exception of JOHN FRANKLIN as Isaac and COURTNEY GAINS as Malachi, is patchy at best. In fact you could just credit FRANKLIN's work here as solely responsible for this flicks longevity. He could give little MARJOE GORTNER a run for his money. As shoddy as some of this is, (the special effects near the end are pitiable) CORN is still worthy of a rewatch from time to time. It is based on a STEPHEN KING short story and we all know Uncle Stevie is no slouch in the knowing what scares you department. Regardless of the questionable execution, I think we can all admit that the premise is pretty much fool proof as far as entertainment goes. Just put a sickle in the palm of a child and turn on the camera and I assure you… I've already bought my ticket!

        INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

        • Opening coffee shop massacre
        • Hamilton comes face to face with "the blue man"
        • Horton gets bitch slapped by a stalk of corn
        • "OUTLANDER!"

         

        Isaac malachai killer kids corn
         

        Lady in White

        Posted on By unkle lancifer

         

        lady in white kid ghosts
         Are you itching to get into the Halloween spirit but don't have the time or the energy to murder a transient in your basement? Simply watch LADY IN WHITE, it will take you there and right quick! Inevitable Traumatot LUKAS HAAS stars as a weird but lovable horror nerd circa 1962. Due to a fiendish prank performed upon him by two admittedly hilarious bullies, he has to spend the night in the school's coat closet. There he not only witnesses a ghostly apparition, but also finds himself somewhat of a witness to the little ghost girl's murder. He too is attacked by the faceless perpetrator, and after some really cool psychedelic KEN RUSSEL type dreams, he wakes to find the killer is still at large and that he's bound to be his next target. The town folks, having bared witness to 10 tragic child murders over the years, decide the black janitor is the perfect scapegoat. Part ghost story, part murder mystery, part nostalgic time capsule, this movie plays like SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY KILLS A MOCKINGBIRD. It's also further proof that director FRANK LaLOGGIA (FEAR NO EVIL) is an unusually talented director with far too few films on his resume. The film is so well realized and so visually captivating it's a wonder he never became a household name. Masquerading as a Spielberg type kid-friendly adventure, viewers will likely be taken aback by what sharp little teeth this spook show has. With Gothic seaside cliffs, dilapidated haunted houses, and fog-drenched forests worthy of a HAMMER film, LADY IN WHITE just bleeds atmosphere. Throw in a trio of criminally underrated character actors, KATHERINE HELMOND, ALEX ROCO and LEN CARIOU and you have a film that miraculously juggles dozens of storylines and themes, but is always focused on earning it's genuine scares.

          INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

          • The coat closet
          • Lady in White's first appearance at the window
          • Lady in white coming down the stairs in back of Haas
          • The killer revealed in the station wagon
          • "Have you ever seen a dream walking? Well I did…"

           

          lady in white halloween candy
           

          Race With the Devil

          Posted on By unkle lancifer

          race with the devil devil tree fondaThis seventies action/horror hybrid was a late night television mainstay in the eighties. Any kid happening upon it while switching channels was instantly glued to the sofa right up until the nightmare-inducing finale. PETER FONDA, WARREN OATES, LORETTA SWITT and LARA PARKER play two couples looking for a little R&R in a righteous R.V. Instead they stumble across a depraved satanic ritual in full swing. At first the inebriated pals think they've lucked out and discovered a hippie orgy — that is until the masked leader of the coven brandishes a blade and guts a naked nubile necromancer like she was a carp. Loud mouth Loretta exposes the camper full of witnesses and there starts a harrowing cross-country road rally that would humble MAD MAX. Economic, inventive, and filled with some the best car chases you're likely to see, RACE also invokes one of the best paranoia moods this side of ROSEMARY'S BABY. Almost everyone the couples come into contact with as they try to flee the cult, from trailer park oldsters to toothless hillbilly car mechanics, seems to be a possible buddy of Beelzebub. Even if you tried to resist this old school thrill ride, the soundtrack itself will grab you by the collar and pull you along with it. Complete with a hopeless ending that modern test screening audiences would jettison in a heart beat, this wrong place, wrong time movie gets everything right.

            INDELIBLE SCENE(S):

            • Witnessing the sacrifice "That's not rough, that's choice!"
            • The fate of Ginger the dog
            • Kitchen o'rattlesnakes
            • Kick-ass Fonda in Sonny Bono garb, taking care of business atop the R.V.

            Official Traumatot: Corey Feldman

            Posted on By unkle lancifer

             

            Corey Feldman Goonies Stand by me killed Jason

              He stared in all the best eighties kid flicks, GREMLINS, GOONIES, STAND BY ME but more importantly, he killed Jason! I'm not talking about zombie Jason, ambulance driving non-Jason, uber space station Jason or body jumping demon Jason. He killed the REAL Jason! And he didn't chain him to the bottom of the lake for somebody else to deal with at a future date, brother shaved his head and whacked the malicious mongoloid in the melon with a machete screaming, "Die!, Die!, Die!" For that reason and many more Corey Feldman is forever a true blue TRAUMATOT. Show some respect! 

              Kinder-News :: Major Halloween Mask Recall!

              Posted on By unkle lancifer

              Are Silver Shamrock brand masks hazardous to your health? I don't know — Do you think crickets, rattlesnakes and other assorted vermin pouring out of every orifice in your head is hazardous to your health? Dear readers I implore you, if you or any one you know has purchased a mask from Silver Shamrock Industries, dispose of them immediately, no matter what the cost. The three masks in question are easily identifiable by their three distinct styles, which include: skull face, green witch, and orange pumpkin. They all bear the telltale Silver Shamrock logo, which is a large disc embedded on the back of the mask. On October 31 there will be a televised event on ALL three of the available channels on your television set. The program will conclude with a big giveaway. Do not, under any circumstances, watch this show wearing one of these God forsaken masks! Inside ALL of the masks tags is a small chipping from Stonehenge that, when activated with a flashing pumpkin signal, will turn your living room into hell on Earth. Many have asked if they can simply remove the logo and watch the show as intended. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REMOVE THE TAG, not even with a hairpin, unless you want a laser to blast you in the face, and a gargantuan bug to crawl out of the cavity that remains.

              Some of you may be thinking, "I hate my kid, what do I care?"

              Well, you will care when a snake crawls out of your kid's head and bites you! Conal Cochran, the CEO of this nefarious company and designer of these "novelties," has been planning just such a sacrifice for years, going so far as to create clockwork servants that resemble you or I. He considers this holocaust "a joke," and claims the best Halloween took place three thousand years ago, "When the hills ran red with the blood of children and animals." Is this the type of company you want to support? I know the jingle on the commercial is catchy and it's easy to get swept up in the spirit of the season but, for the sake of yourself and for future generations, throw out those masks! For more information on Cochran and his atrocities watch HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH.