kindertrauma

Category: General Horror

The Voluptuous Horror of Alien

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I once facetiously said that horror heroine Ellen Ripley officially belonged to the world of sci-fi because she broke bread with robots and drove a spaceship to work. The truth is, no amount of blinking computer lights or sparkling stars can keep ALIEN from being one of the purest examples of a horror film in existence. ALIEN may wear a sci-fi jumpsuit but when you look into its eyes, horror is all you see. I started this project hoping to show the similarities between RIDLEY SCOTT's stone cold masterpiece and that of the classic horror films that came before it, but as you'll see I fell off the rails a great deal and included films released after ALIEN as well. The reason for that, I'm sure, is because that is where the greater share of my familiarity (and DVD collection) lies. (I also ended up including some other examples of the sci-fi horror hybrid; both genres have always been thick as thieves anyway-why split hairs?)

Although I may have lost my initial point in the process, I think I discovered a bigger truth, that the mechanisms shown are eternal. As I see it, the notorious scene of the alien baby bursting from JOHN HURT's chest may have signaled an exciting new path ahead for both genres but at the same time it exposed something as ancient and primal as birth itself. ALIEN, Lt. Ripley, have I told you lately how perfect you are?

Spellbinder (1988)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I've been making a great effort to wean myself from using the word "awesome" but the 1988 supernatural thriller SPELLBINDER sure doesn't make it easy. I first caught this one back in the day and although I remembered being impressed by its scorpion sting ending, I didn't recall much else about it. The other night I stumbled across it again in HD on our local cable provider's ON DEMAND feature and wow, what a difference a couple decades (and a non-crappy presentation) makes. Don't get too far ahead of me here, SPELLBINDER is still a B-movie, I'm not saying it's a lost classic or anything (or am I?), it just happens to accomplish everything it promises to and more. It just happens to be awesome…damn.

I can't help it! Fans of eighties late night cable will feel me. With the multiple of choices at our disposal these days it's difficult to recall just how special an entertaining, vaguely naughty trip to the dark side like this once was. SPELLBINDER may have gotten lost in the pack when originally released but as it stands today, I'd say it's a diamond in the rough that deserves much more recognition. If nothing else, SPELLBINDER is the type of flick that's built to stop A.D.D. channel surfers right in their tracks. Everything about it may suggest mediocrity but once immersed within the story, you're not going anywhere. In fact, like the devil himself, its greatest strength may be in its ability to masquerade as ordinary. The all around no frills, zero gloss approach creates an arena that allows its few moments of artsy surrealism to be that much more jarring.

The caliber of acting is a might better than what you might expect too, even those with little to do at least have a certain amount of presence. TIM DALY (STORM OF THE CENTURY) is perfectly cast as naive everyman Jeff Mills who makes the understandable lame brain mistake of trying to help someone in crisis. Leaving the gym with buddy Derek (break me off a piece of that RICK ROSSOVICH), Jeff witnesses sexy Miranda (erstwhile charmer KELLY PRESTON) getting a plate full of knuckle sandwiches from her greasy, long-haired goon of a boyfriend Aldys (maybe she locked his saxophone in the car?) This meet non-cute is followed by Jeff's inadvisable invitation for Miranda to move right in after she displays some magical orgasmic healing power. Well, greasy Aldys turns out to be just one of many who want Miranda to return to the fold as it later becomes clear that she is AWOL from a Satanic cult.

I know it doesn't sound like much but the miraculous SPELLBINDER is somehow able to incorporate karate chicks, a kooky survivalist, heads catching on fire and the fine art of removing a roasted turkey from the oven without oven mitts into the mix as well. This movie is strange but in a subtle enough way as to genuinely infiltrate your senses. Soon even the most innocuous background performers begin to give off a menacing vibe and Jeff can hardly pass a dog walker on the street without you imagining them as a potential threat. So what you have here is an erotic, "Should have thought twice about hitting that!" thriller mashed up with a paranoid, "They're all in it!" Satanic panic movie, all spruced up with a dash of the kind of supernatural reality bending horror that was so popular at the time that this was made (thanks to Monsieur Krueger.) I don't know about you but that just about covers all of my needs.

The sad news is that SPELLBINDER has never found a home on DVD (It's on the Youtubes all the time and like I said, currently on ON DEMAND.) From the unsubstantiated gossip I've scrolled through, the rumor is that PRESTON and hubby JOHN TRAVOLTA have purchased the U.S. distribution rights and would prefer that this movie never be seen. (Yes, the folks that brought you BATTLEFIELD EARTH are embarrassed by this film.) I'm not sure if it's PRESTON's minimal boobage display or the possibility that the couple would rather distance themselves from films about life destroying cults, either way I don't care. What gets (or should I say sacrifices) my goat is that PRESTON is not the only person in this movie. If she wants to bury a movie may I suggest any or every other one she's ever made with the possible exception of SPACE CAMP? Please don't send secret assassins to murder me PRESTON, but you must realize that you are keeping the world from the best AUDRA LINDLEY performance ever. How do you sleep at night? You're an adult, you must know the difference between right (allowing me my AUDRA) and wrong (listening to the guy who made MOMENT BY MOMENT.)

You heard right kiddies; MRS. ROPER fucking brings it in SPELLBINDER! MRS. ROPER is worth the tracking down of this baby alone. I'm telling you, she's phenomenal and should have been nominated for an Oscar. She barely needs to talk; everything just registers on her mug like advertising on a blimp. The woman is a genius and does more with two scenes than some actresses (cough) have done in their entire careers. (It's not rag on KELLY day, I'm just stating the facts as I see them.) Anyway, if I should disappear in the next couple days you all know why. It's O.K., I guess I'm ready to go down for my cause…FREE AUDRA NOW!…FREE AUDRA NOW!

100 Feet

Posted on By aunt john

The onslaught of nor'easters that have bore down repeatedly on Kindertrauma Castle these past weeks have afforded your Aunt John some serious sofa time with the streaming Netflix. While I would like to expound upon the nuanced performances of KATE & ALLIE SEASON 4 at great length, I think this forum is better suited for a discussion of the other abusive relationship tale I also sat through… 100 FEET.

In short, FAMKE JANSEN plays Marnie, a freshly paroled murderess placed on house arrest for killing her abusive, police officer husband and BOBBY CANNAVALE plays Shakes, the hard-nosed cop/ former partner to the murdered husband keeping an obsessively watchful eye on Marnie's every confined move. Since Marnie is on house arrest, (title alert) she can't physically be more than one hundred feet from the monitoring device installed in her home and if she is, an alarm is tripped that summons Shakes. Whereas your Aunt John would be tripping the alarm every five minutes ("Oh hi there BOBBY CANNAVALE, did I set off that alarm again?"), Marnie and Shakes don't exactly mix since she killed his partner. Cops sure are sensitive to stuff like that. To make matters worse, Marnie's house is haunted by her abusive husband (the tragically over CGI-ed MICHAEL "EDDIE & THE CRUISERS" PARE) who continues to deliver beat downs from beyond.

Despite a wavering accent (is she supposed to be an outer borough New Yorker or only when she's upset?) JANSEN delivers a solid performance as a woman trapped in rather hellish existence. She has become the scorn of her friends, family, and neighbors and just when you think she has found some slight solace in the arms of the grocery delivery boy (a surprisingly not annoying ED WESTWICK of GOSSIP GIRL) along comes that pesky PARE poltergeist. And herein lies the biggest drawback to the flick; if you are going to cast Kindertrauma favorite MICHAEL PARE, at least give us a good look at his mug other than in the awkwardly staged old photos Marnie takes off her walls. I know he is supposed to be a ghost and all, but PARE's obscured performance ends up being reduced to a series of repeated fade-in/sucker punch/fade-outs drowned in river of overly computerized blood.

Written and directed ERIC RED (BAD MOON), 100 FEET plays out like a Lifetime woman in peril yarn doused in supernatural syrup and dunked in a bucket a testosterone, and I'm not talking about CANNAVALE's or PARE's hormones; I'm talking about studly JANSEN's. Something tells me that if you were truly on FAMKE's shit list, you wouldn't get the chance to come back from the dead, she'd get it right the first time.

The Treasure of the Four Crowns

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Hold on now here, howza come, as long as I've lived I've never stumbled across THE TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS? More importantly why has nobody ever mentioned it to me? Is it because it's a terrible film? Have we met dear readers? What do I care from terrible, it's just boring stuff I can't stand. THE TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS is never boring, well, maybe a little but it's mostly not boring and it's got the greatest ending ever…scratch that TWO of the greatest endings ever. Here's one of them…(Careful, this isn't so much a "spoiler" as the climax of the film…)

Did you see that guy's head spin?!? Did you hear that ENNIO MORRICONE score?!? You don't know how much I'd enjoy flamethrowers for arms! If God truly loved me he'd give me at least one flamethrower arm!

I must have seen the video box for this at some point, why did I pass it up? I guess it must have just looked like just another lame Indiana Jones rip-off to me; which it is, but honestly, pound for pound I think I enjoyed it better than the last two Indy flicks. It's fun, it's crazy, stupid, dumb fun and it makes zero sense and did I mention it was in 3-D? Well, originally it was. By the way, are there any lucky people out there who got to see this in the theater way back in ‘83? I want to shake your hand. (provided flames aren't pouring out of it.)

Maybe the reason this one flew past my radar Riley was because it was hatched by the same mind as COMIN' AT YA! (Spaghetti western star TONY ANTHONY). That film, which is regarded as the kickoff to the eighties 3-D revival, I did see in the theater as a kid and I have to say I was not too crazy about it. (Was I supposed to be stunned by 3-D beans being poured on my head?) I guess it's possible that I may have avoided this one for that association alone, but CROWNS is soooo much better than COMIN' AT YA!

The opening of the movie is pretty spectacular too, check this out (and get ready to duck!)…

Stop lying and admit that you want to own that Jacket. I don't blame you, I love it too. You can't imagine how bad the dubbing is in this, I adore bad dubbing.

A friend of mine (it could happen) has a large collection of 3-D movies and I recently got to see T.T.O.T.F.C. with the red/blue anaglyph glasses. That was cool, and I'm glad I did, but considering that this was originally presented with the same 3-D technology as FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH PART 3, I'm thinking it must have been really damn incredible to view in the theater. Man, if only there was some way to properly recreate such things at home…

Let me ruin everything for you by revealing that TREASURE has an epilogue that is completely insane that involves a monster coming out of a swamp for no reason whatsoever. Do you have red/blue 3-D glasses too? Go grab them, I'll wait,… check this out… if I had my way every film for the rest of time would end this exact same way….

How awesome is that? Did you fall out of your chair? People can yack as much as they want about technology stifling artistry. As far as I'm concerned they can yack ‘till the cows come home as long as the cows come home in 3-D!

I'm so happy 3-D is making a comeback because I personally never voted for it to scram. Sure every once in a while you get burned by a METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN but it it's worth it for every SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE. As long as we're on the subject, how's about that floating severed arm in JAWS 3-D? Oh, if only life were in 3-D….oh, wait…it is.

The Sender

Posted on By unkle lancifer

I've seen the THE SENDER so many times that its multiple gaffs stick out like Sissy Hankshaw's thumbs, yet I'm compelled to return to it again and again. I blame its exceptional cast and unique (especially for 1982) tone. How do I describe this strange, somber, anomaly? The best I could ever do was A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: THE DREAM WARRIORS (or better yet, 1988's BAD DREAMS) as directed by IGMAR BERGMAN. I should point out though that THE SENDER played with the smudging of lines between dreams and reality before our fedora wearing pal Freddy ever did and that our director here is ROGER CHRISTIAN, who will later curse the world (or bless the world if you're a bad movie fan) with the very less than BERGMAN-esque BATTLEFIELD EARTH.

KATHRYN HARROLD (who you might remember from NIGHTWING and the RICHARD LYNCH starring television movie VAMPIRE) stars as Dr. Gail Farmer, a woman who finds herself captivated by a recent admittance to the psychiatric hospital where she works. The patient known simply as John Doe #83 (ZELIJKO IVANEK) is an amnesiac who recently attempted a dramatic public suicide and just so happens to have the pesky habit of projecting his nightmares into people's heads. I'm not talking about "It's the day of the big math test and I forgot to wear pants!" kind of nightmares, I'm talking about the "Whaddya know, the refrigerator is swarming with cockroaches and a rat just crawled out of my mouth!" variety.

The doctor/patient relationship in the center of the film is absorbing enough to steer your attention away from many of the film's imperfections. IVANEK is a convincing outcast with a believable supernatural aura (decades later he will be tapped to play a high ranking Vampire in HBO's TRUE BLOOD) and HARROLD has an earthy, nurturing demeanor that makes me assume flowers bloom whenever she's in the vicinity. As John Doe's past begins to materialize so does his creepy, about as much fun as a barrel of dead monkeys, Bible quoting smother-mother ( a memorably melancholy SHIRLEY NIGHT). Dr. Gail has to basically re-parent the young man to defuse his demons as his telepathic "sending" is apparently all tied up in apron strings. Don't feel left out, emotionless carved in stone fathers, you're represented by shock therapy enthusiast Dr. Denman (PAUL FREEMAN a.k.a. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK's bad boy Belloq) In other words, this is horror made for TEARS FOR FEARS fans.

Though not entirely seamless, this is some legit, classy, acne-free cinema. You know I love my garish neon eighties horror movies but THE SENDER, with its muted, mostly beige color palette and candle lit climax, has a timeless quality that I find comforting. I poked a bit of fun at director ROGER CHRISTIAN's TRAVOLT-ing Sci-Fi train wreck but let's not forget the guy was also the art director for the endlessly influential ALIEN too. THE SENDER's cinematographer ROGER PRATT went on to BRAZIL and 12 MONKEYS and the standout score is from the guy who did ANGEL HEART and LABYRINTH (TREVOR JONES).

THE SENDER's noble, non-pandering stance insured that exactly one cricket bought a ticket to see it in the theaters. Over the years it has gathered a cult of followers but this ambiguous oddity I suppose, for some people, will always fall into the neither fish nor foul pile. (You know the drill, gorehounds hate chin music and eggheads tsk-tsk decapitations…what's a stylish thriller with both to do?) As you can tell, I have plenty of room in my heart for a problem like THE SENDER, its body count may end up being a blasphemous zero but it contains the only car chase scene I've ever found even remotely entertaining. In fact, I'd say it's downright hypnotic.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Horror fans often times disagree about what they find frightening. I'd like to ask though, is there anyone out there who is not mortified by TOBE HOOPER's THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE? I mean, I know I'm old school so you have to fill me in kids, is it possible to watch that movie and not be freaked? To me it's pretty much the cinematic definition of the word horror. I can understand someone not enjoying it, it can be a shrieky headache, and I can understand someone not finding it absolutely convincing or perhaps a tad too comical, but it is unquestionably horrifying, no? Come on, a lady is shoved on to a meat hook for Christ's sake.

Cannibals, chainsaws, rotting corpses, a lampshade made out of human skin… what's not to be disturbed by? Still, even with all of those obvious sources of terror flopping around there is something within the film that fills me with an even more intense feeling of dread. I can handle the physical pain and humiliation on display. It's the uncanny elements that unbalance me; the ominous horoscopes, the solar flares, the feeling that the universe is collapsing in on our travelers. Again, I am old school. What's it like to see this movie when your childhood did not take place in the seventies? Are such people free from the full intensity of CHAINSAW's morbid grip?

The thing that scares the hell out of me in T.C.M. is not the ogre known as Leatherface but the fact that it is a journey backwards to a place that is now dead. Sally Hardesty (MARILYN BURNS) and her wheelchair bound brother Franklin (PAUL A. PARTAIN) are essentially guiding their friends on a tour of their lost, corroded youth. Before they are ever aware of the vicious madness of Leatherface and company, they explore the once livable now dilapidated home of their grandparents. Sally laughs off the fact that she once slept in the crumbling shell but from where the pouty Franklin sits, his chair unable to course the terrain, her squeals of delight sound like (and foreshadow) squeals of anguish. It's almost as if they have stumbled into some kind of Langolier-chewed history that's disintegrating beneath them. They truly can't go home again…there are spiders living there now.

Which brings me to the moment that inexplicably sticks out for me in the film. Sally and Franklin's pal Kirk (WILLIAM VAIL) wanders ahead of the group and enters a room. In an upper corner near the ceiling, he finds a nest of seething and scattering daddy long leg spiders. Trust me here, I'm not one to be squeamish about spiders (they're adorable), but there's something about this bit that gets under my skin. It's almost like an animated scribble, a growing negative space or a thousand cracks forming and the scratching, clattery sound applied over top of the visual is so other worldly sinister and so wildly exaggerated that it chills me to the bone. I'm sure that in the real world a psycho with a chainsaw is more upsetting than a nest of spiders, but in the real world a nest of spiders is polite enough not to act like a LOVECRAFTian tear in the universe.

Maybe I see too much in that mass of spiders or maybe it's the potential absence of anything being there at all that riles me. Do they simply remind me of the daddy long legs I used to encounter on my back porch when I was little (and by encounter I mean rip the legs off of)? Leatherface is ultimately human and no matter what his efforts he'll end up eventually just like his grandfather, barely able to lift a hammer. I guess to me those spiders say that time itself is the bigger monster carving through Texas and that it's a monster that no one can outrun.

Hospital Massacre

Posted on By unkle lancifer

There's one last Valentine chocolate in the box and it's called HOSPITAL MASSACRE, known in some parts as X-RAY; it's working title was the sublime BE MY VALENTINE…OR ElSE! Directed by BOAZ DAVIDSON (by the way, I'm still broken hearted by the conclusion to BOAZ's THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN…how could you, DIANE FRANKLIN !?!), this early eighties shocker has somehow avoided DVD capture though its giant silver MGM VHS box can be spotted hiding out in the back alleys of Amazon.

Kids, we're talking a 1982 slasher that takes place in a hospital, is centered around a second rate holiday and kicks off with a prologue revealing a unsettled grudge from the past! Sounds like it can't fail right? Sure it can! HOSPITAL MASSACRE puts the "ail" in fail but it's just so screwy and peculiar that I can almost forgive it for cutting into my valuable PS3 time. Let's take a look at the symptoms, shall we?

BARBI BENTON

As if sashaying her way through HEE-HAW and FANTASY ISLAND wasn't enough to enrapture me, BARBI BENTON (born Barbara Klien) also starred in the uber-incredible DEATHSTALKER. Plus, the gal's got….er….PIPES!

TWO OF THE THREE BLOODY BIRTHDAY KIDS!

In H.M.'s opening we learn that when BARBI's character Suzy was a child, a spurned admirer killed her brother on Valentine's Day. I thought it fortuitous enough to find BLOODY BIRTHDAY's super creepy SUSAN HOY playing young Suzy when suddenly up pops the ever-brilliant BILLY JACOBY as the crazed, can't take a hint psycho. Horror-synchronicity at its finest!

MY BLOODY VALENTINE NOD

Early in the film an elevator ride is cut short when the doors slide open to show three men in HARRY WARDEN gas masks, a nice playful jab at that other earlier released Valentine horror film!

LET ME OUT!

Poor Suzy just stopped by the hospital to pick up some routine test results but because her stalker switched her X-rays, the doctors, along with their seven foot tall nurses, won't let her leave! H.M. may think it's a slasher but it's really a SNAKE PIT movie at heart. Which is good because SNAKE PIT movies are as campy as they want to be and that's why I love them. (Slap me five 1985's HELLHOLE with JUDY LANDERS and RAY SHARKEY and 1990's COMMITTED with JENNIFER O'NEIL and RON PALILLO!!!)

THE FREAKS SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH!

So what if the surgeon killer is more goofy than scary, the chanting occult soundtrack is wildly inappropriate and the pacing, on occasion gets slower than an IV drip. HOSPITAL MASSACRE has a kooky KAFKA on Quaaludes vibe that should carry lovers of cult film straight on through to the other side. I was a doubter myself until BARBI stumbled into a room with three patients bandaged head to toe that just start convulsing like break dancing marionettes. Like most of the film, it's surreal, funny and not meant to be taken too seriously. Plus, in HOSPITAL MASSACRE you get a decapitated head in a hat box, that's a pretty good Valentine gift, right?

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

Posted on By unkle lancifer

Personally, I was never too wowed by ELI ROTH's CABIN FEVER; it had a few stand out scenes and I could get behind its adolescent fear of cooties but ultimately I was about as impressed as a late nineties SHANIA TWAIN i.e. not much. Claims that it would do for shaving your legs what JAWS did for swimming just did not hold true for this dude. (Full disclosure, I did fancy that one guy in it, JAMES DeBELLO, but only because his chin resembled a Virginia ham.) The point is, I had no desire to see a follow-up until I learned that TI WEST, the guy who helmed HOUSE OF THE DEVIL, directed it.

Sadly, any half-mast excitement that I may have mustered was stomped on like a champagne glass at a Jewish wedding when I also learned that TI had washed his hands of his sequel because some meddling producers tinkered the crap out of it. Well hey, I watched it anyway because that is not only "how" I do but also ALL that I do.

If the devil appeared before me in red pajamas and said, "Unkle Lancifer, you have been a horrible person and now you must live with me in hell forever and also I'm going to make you watch the same movie over and over for infinity to drive you insane and it has to be either CABIN FEVER or CABIN FEVER 2: SPRING FEVER so pick your poison you worm!" I would most definitely pick… CABIN FEVER 2: GIMME A SPRING BREAK! because the cinematography makes my eyes happy, the soundtrack is great (OMG. &WT.F!?! They play the PROM NIGHT song!!!) and the people who inhabit the movie do not act like dicks unless they are acknowledged as dicks. I can see why TI WEST doesn't really want this coyote ugly "seemed like a good idea at the time" trashy movie drunk dialing him during his current moment in the respectable sun, but it's entertaining enough if you wear the right goggles.

Frankly, if I was having a group of friends over (it could happen!) I'd probably feel a bit more comfortable subjecting them to this movie than TI's non-redheaded stepchild THE ROOST. I seem to recall forcing someone to watch THE ROOST with me and that poor person's beard growing three feet long and turning white in the process. Come to think of it, they may have left my apartment with a cane…so don't get too highfalutin there, TI. Although yeah, you're right in thinking the whole tacked on ending of this movie blows more chunks than the film's infected up-chuckers. Still, count me as pleasantly surprised.

There is a great scene in this movie where our main guy (DEADGIRL's NOAH SEGAN…call me!) tells the girl he's been following around like a puppy just what an obvious moron she is for dating the school douche. It's like a classic JOHN HUGHES scene that never, but should have, happened (imagine Ducky telling MOLLY RINGWALD to go fuck herself!) It's a great passionate moment and I could have used some more of that fine stuff rather than the profusion of puss gags. Of course, I'm not sure if the fans of the original CABIN FEVER would feel the same way but who cares, it's not like they're going to be happy with this anyway.

How many GARBAGE PAIL KID cards do you currently own? Count them…now! I'll wait… if my theory is correct your enjoyment of this film can be accurately predicted by counting those very cards! C.F.2 is not scary, it's not quite as funny as it thinks it is either (who is) but it IS ta-ruly gross. Ya know, around these parts that counts for something. Plus, I gotta say TI, stick with cinematographer ELIOT ROCKET that guy's got the goods!

The Uninvited (1988)

Posted on By unkle lancifer

More proof that just because I look like a nice person doesn't mean that I am one comes in the form of yours truly forcing your poor, long suffering Aunt John to watch THE UNINVITED. No, I'm not talking about the classy black and white ghost jam with RAY MILLAND and nope, I'm not talking about the inexplicable A TALE OF TWO SISTERS re-don't starring ELIZABETH "WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER" BANKS…I'm referring to the stowaway mutant house cat debacle of 1988. In case there is some kind of point to your life and therefore you have not stumbled across this feline focused fiasco, let me fill you in on why it's so rub your eyes, double take atrocious…

IT STARS MY CAT

When I first met my cat "GATO MALO" in an alley I knew very little about his history. Naturally I assumed he lived the typical homeless cat lifestyle of jumping trains, eating canned beans and carrying his few belongings in a bandana tied to a stick. Imagine my surprise to find out my little schnookums was actually an accomplished thespian that had rubbed shoulders with the likes of ROB "SILK STALKINGS" ESTES. The sad news is no matter how much I grill the bastard, he will not reveal where he hides his royalty checks!

GEORGE KENNEDY

I know video stores don't exist anymore but if they did, it should be mandatory that each and every one has a well-marked GEORGE KENNEDY section. That way I would not have to waste time digging through crap that stars TOM HANKS and that platypus lady. Not only is GEORGE KENNEDY the most handsome man who ever lived but he also starred in DEMONWARP!

CLU GALLAGER

Nearly unrecognizable in JERRY LEWIS false teeth and mumbling like a madman, CLU "RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" GALLAGER comes off as a dangerously psychotic PETER SELLERS wannabe. Isn't this the same weirdo character he played in THE OFFSPRING? CLU, you scare me sometimes.

THE LADIES

As if wearing shredded x-tra large T-shirts over their bikinis was not classy enough, these two broads have discovered the ultimate culinary combo of champagne and ice cream sundaes! Parents of gay teens, don't waste your money sending your kid to "straight" camp; just pop the UNINVITED into the DVD player and voila! Yowza and zowee.

SPECIAL (as in short bus) EFFECTS!

Where do I start? So there's this mutant cat and when it opens it mouth, a smaller cat (or a rat?) jumps out and attacks people. I have no idea why this was attempted in the first place but there is absolutely no way to describe it. There is no consistency in the size of the beast from one scene to the next. The rules of time and space are not only outright rejected but given wedgies and laughed out of town. The only crumb of logic that is thrown is at film's end when we discover all the events took place on a toy boat in a bathtub. Try not to notice that the cat is a completely different color in the final shot.

GREYDON CLARK

I have no idea what the hell director GREYDON CLARK could have possibly have been thinking while directing THE UNINVITED. His earlier films SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS and WITHOUT WARNING (1980) are hardly masterpieces, but they do, for the most part, resemble movies.

In other words, this is a must own and I've been dragging around a frayed VHS copy for years. The new DVD (a double feature with the suddenly competent looking MUTANT (1984)) is not much of an upgrade in the picture quality department but really, why should it be? This is a real bottom of the barrel disaster that needs to be seen under the worst of circumstances, preferably under some level of inebriation. Now if only I could get GATO MALO to autograph a copy…