Category: Halloween
The Midnight Hour
AUNT JOHN SEZ: Hey kids, your Unkle Lancifer and I have to jet off to Delaware today for a last minute, bulk Halloween candy shopping spree. Despite the short notice, we managed to rustle up one the coolest music aficionados on the interwebs for a return babysitting engagement. So everyone, please be on your best behavior for REDBOY, and be sure to check out all of the great spooky, Halloween tunes he has been featuring on BLUES FOR THE REDBOY.
And if I hear of anyone acting up while we're gone, I am coming back with nothing but a bag of Mary Janes! Without further ado, here is REDBOY and his take on the made-for-television masterpiece THE MIDNIGHT HOUR:
Seeing as how Halloween is quickly approaching with all the subtlety of a rocket-propelled grenade, the time has inevitably come for the smell of burning leaves to fill the air, and for elderly neighbors to start crafting popcorn-balls and baking Rhubarb pies to benefit UNICEF and …Oh, wait a minute. I'm sorry. That's Norman Rockwell's America…
Let's back this up a tick.
As an adult, the most frightening thing I and others of my kind will have to contend with this Halloween will be showing up at work sober, that is if we can even recall the season at all, the holidays blending together so much like a TIM BURTON pastiche. It's disheartening, I know, but it wasn't always like that.
If you can imagine, there was a time when kids weren't too fat or too lazy to Trick or Treat; a time when overzealous parents weren't x-raying Charleston Chews looking for dope needles, and eggs and toilet paper could be purchased without three forms of ID. As was customary, children made the neighborhood rounds without chaperons, filled as many pillowcases as time would allow (I personally used different masks and hit the good houses several times) before settling in at home for a scary movie; their poor little tummies on the verge of prolapsing under the weight of all that peanut butter and nougat.
The movie – oh well that was easy. You had the WORST WITCH or the equally safe THE HALLOWEEN THAT ALMOST WASN'T, in addition to the usual programming block of cartoons. And the kiddies were content with that, edging their nightmarish bets with GARFIELD and FAT ALBERT. Â But as a seven-year-old too old for the existentialist crisis of IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN and too young for torture porn, I required something a bit stronger…like THE MIDNIGHT HOUR for instance.
A made-for-T.V. movie lensed in 1985, THE MIDNIGHT HOUR was a relatively bloodless endeavor staring a veritable who's who of "Who the Hell Are They?" including LAVAR BURTON (READING RAINBOW), SHARI BELAFONTE-HARPER, DEDEE PFEIFFER (Michelle's younger sister) and the venerable DICK VAN PATTEN. That's not to say that the film didn't have its charms, or indeed, its teeth, DICK VAN PATTEN notwithstanding.
The plot of THE MIDNIGHT HOUR settles on teenage loser Phil Grenville. Phil just so happens to be the ancestor of local witch hunter Nathaniel Grenville who, 200 years prior, very famously did away with resident witch Lucinda Cavander, effectively ending her curse on the unassuming New England town of Pitchford Cove.
Grenville and his friends, wishing to make an entrance at a "totally rad!" costume party, sneak into the local wax museum to "borrow" some authentic costumes and effects, including a trunk which belonged to Grandfather Nathaniel Grenville. Wisely deciding that grand larceny ain't nothin' without a little funerary desecration, the gang heads over to the local cemetery to inventory the trunk whereby they happen upon an old parchment containing the original spell cast by Lucinda two hundred years ago tonight (What are the odds, huh?).
And if you need one good reason why SHARI BELAFONTE-HARPER's character should NOT read that friggin' spell out loud, in addition to the fact that it is Halloween night two-hundred years to the day, then consider momentarily that she also just so happens to be the ancestor of hanged witch Lucinda Cavender. Needless to say, all kinds of undead wackiness ensues.
THE MIDNIGHT HOUR is just the kind of light-hearted romp networks go weak in the knees for. Shot on the cheap and with little fuss, it was the perfect band-aid for a typically quiet network holiday. Though for all its comedy and near-misses, there is some genuinely creepy stuff going on, enough to freak out even seven-year-old me.
To say the dead rise from their grave to plague Pitchford Cove would be an understatement, as coffins literally explode (!?!?) from the ground in a shower of dirt, loosing vampires, werewolves, even (I shit you not) a seven-foot tall zombie serial killer who is more than a little pissed-off at his having been fried in the electric chair. As the evil begins to spread through Pitchford Cove, the townspeople themselves become all manner of undead. Â The local zombified judge (already an abusive alcoholic dick even before he was dead) attempts to bash his son's head in with a rock before deciding on the less violent alternative of strangling his punk-ass to death on top of a Cadillac Deville.
To make matters worse, two hundred year old witch / vampire Lucinda shows up to the Halloween party, attacking great granddaughter SHARI BELAFONTE-HARPER (rather incestuously) in the wine cellar, latching onto her neck like a lamprey in slo-motion as bottles of Merlot burst off the shelves to the tune of 'How Soon is Now' by The Smiths.
That's another thing, THE MIDNIGHT HOUR has one of the best soundtracks of the eighties (second only to RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD).With Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs, Wilson Picket, Credence Clearwater Revival and narration by Wolfman Jack, it certainly left an impression on most of the 'tweens who saw it, undoubtedly contributing to the film's cult status.
The movie spends a lot of time padding out the heavy stuff with some zombie comic relief, including a midget zombie and an undead heavy-petting session, giving way to a ridiculously out of place '80s song and dance number so indicative of 'Thriller' that Michael Jackson might just have legal recourse to punch director JACK BENDER in the face.
Following all the moon walking and rotten crotch-grabbing, the terror gets right back on track as the darkened streets of Pitchford Cove begin to resemble Beirut – cars burning, littered with garbage – as the undead infect every last citizen down to the milkman (They even vampirized the goddamned dentist!).
It isn't long before grandson Phil Grenville, along with a hot, and strangely non-putrefied dead cheerleader named Sandy, put two and two together and figure out the secret to stopping the curse. Only problem is they have to contend with an undead PETER DeLUISE of '21 JUMP STREET fame…and if that doesn't traumatize you, then you are already dead inside.
Will Phil Grenville succeed?
Will the town of Pitchford Cove get swallowed up by Lucinda's curse?
Will ABC be able to recoup their production budget in ad revenue?
These are all questions that I could have cared less about as a kid. I was just happy that network T.V. was showing a horror movie before bedtime.
THE MIDNIGHT HOUR actually holds up pretty well upon repeat viewing, not that ABC has ever endeavored to show it again since its original broadcast. Nor can the average gen-x'er afford the steep $400 price tag the movie tends to fetch on DVD (!?!?). Sure the feathered hair and shoulder-pads are undeniably 80's, but the darker moments – witchcraft, teenage death, etc – are still strong in the minds of viewers today, even if the requisite ghosts and goblins have not fared nearly as well.
Speaking of… while sitting at your house this Halloween, waiting for that smattering trick-or treaters to drop by dressed up as characters which you are so far removed from culturally that you don't even recognize, just remember that there was a time not long ago when the holiday was not strip-mined by Hallmark and sponsored by Commerce Bank; a time when Halloween was a full scale riot for candy supremacy, and the dead roamed the land with earthly feet.
Unlike good ole' Lucinda Cavender, the real curse of Halloween is disenfranchisement, but that ain't nothin' that a little network T.V. and about 15 rolls of Smarties won't cure.
Kinder-News :: Halloween Day Costume Parade!
Hey kids! Do you dream of being an international celebrity the caliber of BONNIE FRANKLIN or HAL LINDEN? Well, Kindertrauma is in the business of making dreams come true!
This Halloween, on Oct. 31st, we will be presenting the greatest costume parade ever assembled and we want YOU to be a part of it. Do you have a picture of yourself as a kid dressed in a Halloween costume? Send it to Kindertrauma@gmail.com so we can post it on that very special day.
Just think how depressed and suicidal it will make your frenemies to know that YOU are cool enough to be in a parade that doesn't exist! We're predicting mass suicides across the country and we can't wait! Unlike that Silver Shamrock global Halloween Holocaust from a couple years back, this should go off without a hitch!
Make your decision now, do you want to be part of the coolest thing ever or wait in line for your chance to jump off a bridge to your death with all the other sad sacks who didn't participate? The choice is yours! (Sadly your dear old Unkle Lancifer has no such picture and has been lumped with the thankless task of serving Lorna Dunes and Hi-C out of Dixie Cups. Sob!)
In other Halloween related nonsense, I just got an important e-mail sent from your Aunt John all the way from a desk two feet away from my own. Look at this cool collection of treat bags he found below! There's plenty more so check em out HERE. Do they not inspire you? Now, off you go to find your pictures, dig through every photo album and please smash as many family heirlooms as possible during your frenzied search. If a parent or guardian tries to stop you, a kick in the shins should set 'em straight!
Project Run Scared :: The Ten Worst Halloween Costumes
With Halloween fast approaching your Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John have been combing the interwebs for inspiration for costumes. (Yes, we're kinda sorta fighting over who will be Joan from MAD MEN). During our Google-y endeavors we came across a list on RETROCRUSH which lists the worst Halloween costumes ever to be created. Rather than take this list as a cue to go no further and simply compromise (losing straw has to be Pete Campbell), we decided to challenge ourselves and see if we could find even worse Halloween costumes out there in the sparkly interwebville. Everyone one knows that if you're looking for crap the second place after the outhouse is eBay, so off we went. With visions of the impending PROJECT RUNWAY finales cat walking through our brains, we decided to review the ultimate worst of what he had discovered….
10. Nicholas Bradford from EIGHT IS ENOUGH
UNK: (as Tim Gunn) Why are there two? They are both worse than each other somehow. It's pretty sad to me that a child would be so unimaginative that the best that he or she could come up with was dressing like another child of approximately the same age. As I look at them, I hear annoying Ewok songs in my head.
AUNT J: (as the Klumeister): Where is the Mary Bradford costume? With her raspy voice and devotion to medical school, she'd make for a much better costume. PERIOD.
9. Lil' Hotlips from M.A.S.H. BABIES
UNK: In my opinion M.A.S.H. BABIES was the worst cartoon that ever aired on American television. That said, the idea of sending my young child out into the night with the words "LIL' HOTLIPS' emblazoned across her vinyl smock makes me ill. I'd also like to add that M.A.S.H. BABIES sounds more like a demand from the Marquis de Sade then an animated Saturday cartoon aimed at children.
AUNT J: You're right, M.A.S.H. BABIES was released right around the same time as the MICHAEL JACKSON/ Pepsi commercial incineration debacle. Too many little girls were bombarded with snickering taunts of "Major Burns… hah!" Plus LORETTA SWIT never translated well as a youthful character.
8. Some old guy from ON GOLDEN POND
UNK: Is that grey area on the costume plush? I feel it may be plush. Anyway, is that mask supposed to represent the celebrated actor HENRY FONDA? He may have beat his children like they owed him a gambling debt on a daily basis, but he never wore his hair THAT long. (P.S. eBay seller, you're welcome for Photoshoping the stains out of your carpet).
AUNT J: Correct me if I am wrong, but I think it's a KATHARINE HEPBURN mask. Overall, I am not very FONDA this getup.
7. NORMA RAE from NORMA RAE
UNK: Any child wearing this will never have their demands met. I predict a treat bag filled with pennies and lint-covered, unwrapped Velemints.
AUNT J: Is that sign attached to the crotch? The whole purpose of Halloween is to collect free candy, not splinters south of the border! PASS!
6. Aurora Greenway from TERMS OF ENDEARMENT
UNK: I just threw up, not so much in my mouth, but all over the front of my KRASS BROTHERS suit. eBay person, are you really going to try to sell something this filthy? Nobody wants your old dumpster diving gear. This looks more like crime scene evidence than anything that should be worn in public. From this picture, I can glean that its wearer already received their first review when the neighborhood children pelted her with dog feces.
AUNT J: If I saw this one coming down the street, I would totally bolt the door and turn out all the lights! Where is the imagination? Couldn't the child don a hospital gown, slap on some deathbed pancake make-up, and try to pull off the DEBRA WINGER look? This is too easy.
5. Vera from ALICE
UNK: I don't hate this, at least not as much as I hate the character of "Vera". It could work if you carried around a box of soda straws and pretended to spill them every couple of yards on your Halloween trek, and maybe bump into a light post or two. It needs a bit of work but it's almost there.
AUNT J: To quote the opening theme from ALICE, "Kicking myself for nothing was my favorite sport." This costume is neither a kick nor sporty. I'd much prefer to see Mel's Mom (MARTHA RAYE) immortalized in a plastic costume.
4. Steve Burns (AL PACINO) from CRUISING
UNK: I thought I'd seen it all with the VILLAGE PEOPLE costume on RETROCRASH, but this is even more alarming to my small town sensibilities. Then again, black vinyl is notoriously slimming. Plus liquids roll right off of vinyl, be it water or lemon juice or urine.
AUNT J: Can we turn that costume around? Yikes! October is far too brisk a month to be sporting assless chaps about town.
3. Anne Romano from ONE DAY AT A TIME
UNK: I love this! I have ALWAYS enjoyed her work. That's Twiki's robotic girlfriend "Tina" from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY right?
AUNT J: Striking a blow for womens' rights and single moms everywhere in the late seventies, the Ann Romano costume was oft-mistaken for both Twiki and Lee Grant. Sad, really….
2. Walter from MAUDE
UNK: Why is there a picture of MAUDE on the chest of this costume? Even as a Halloween costume BILL MACY gets upstaged. God will get you for that BEA!
AUNT J: I read somewhere that BEA demanded that her visage be placed on the entire MAUDE Halloween costume collection. Regrettably, there was enough real estate on the bodice of ADRIENNE BARBEAU's to include two such images.
1. Cousin Jeri from THE FACTS OF LIFE
UNK: Ugh! This really rakes my nerves. Enough with THE FACTS OF LIFE! When will that show's iron grip upon our culture loosen? I've taken the good, I've taken the bad and what do I have? MORE FACTS O' LIFE! GERI JEWEL is the absolute last person that I wanted to see today. I actually made a mental note of that fact as I climbed out of bed this morning. Thumbs down, a real stinka-roo!
AUNT J: Ummm… NEWSFLASH Unkle…this costume didn't come off of e-Bay! I wore this costume in the second and third grades. JERI JEWEL was a role model, not only to me, but also to other blossoming stand-up comediennes everywhere in the early '80s. For reals, for reals! And by the way, this lil' number garnered me "Best Box-Job Costume" in 1982 and 1983 at my elementary school.
UNK: As long as we're being perfectly honest, I may have a M.A.S.H. BABIES costume lying around in a trunk in the castle somewhere (lil' Father Mulcahy natch!) Maybe we do have Halloween outfits for this year's festivities after all!
Traumafessions :: Kinderpal Mickster on Halloween II
After graduating from junior college in May of 1992, I took a job in my hometown hospital's emergency room. As an emergency room clerk, I registered people as they entered the ER for treatment. During my time I work worked both first and second shift (there wasn't a third shift). As Halloween approached, my co-worker asked me if I would switch shifts on Halloween, so she could take her children trick-or-treating. Not having any children, I agreed. I made a stupid mistake before going to my shift on that night. I decided to watch HALLOWEEN II. What could possibly be the harm in watching this movie? It is not as scary as the original HALLOWEEN, and I had seen it many times before. Well, I wasn't thinking that the majority of the action takes place in a small town hospital on Halloween night. The hospital I worked in was as small and vacant as the hospital in the movie.
Second shift normally ended at 12A.M. and one of the last duties of the night was to take all of the files from the shift to the business office at the front of the hospital. During the day, this was a busy area with plenty of people; however, at 12 A.M. it was dark and completely void. The night had been uneventful especially for a Saturday night. I had even put the movie out of my mind until I started my journey down the long, dark corridor. The mind can play amazing tricks on you in such a situation. I could hear JOHN CARPENTER's haunting music pulsating in my head. I could see the shadow of a knife-wheedling, masked man. I had the feeling you get when you wake from a nightmare and are still unsure if it was real or not. My heartbeat quickened and I felt panicky. Quickly, I unlocked the door, threw the files on the desk, and raced back to the emergency room.
Whoa! I had learned a valuable lesson. Never again would I mix HALLOWEEN II with working in the ER on Halloween night.