With Halloween fast approaching your Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John have been combing the interwebs for inspiration for costumes. (Yes, we’re kinda sorta fighting over who will be Joan from MAD MEN). During our Google-y endeavors we came across a list on RETROCRUSH which lists the worst Halloween costumes ever to be created. Rather than take this list as a cue to go no further and simply compromise (losing straw has to be Pete Campbell), we decided to challenge ourselves and see if we could find even worse Halloween costumes out there in the sparkly interwebville. Everyone one knows that if you’re looking for crap the second place after the outhouse is eBay, so off we went. With visions of the impending PROJECT RUNWAY finales cat walking through our brains, we decided to review the ultimate worst of what he had discovered….
10. Nicholas Bradford from EIGHT IS ENOUGH
UNK: (as Tim Gunn) Why are there two? They are both worse than each other somehow. It’s pretty sad to me that a child would be so unimaginative that the best that he or she could come up with was dressing like another child of approximately the same age. As I look at them, I hear annoying Ewok songs in my head.
AUNT J: (as the Klumeister): Where is the Mary Bradford costume? With her raspy voice and devotion to medical school, she’d make for a much better costume. PERIOD.
9. Lil’ Hotlips from M.A.S.H. BABIES
UNK: In my opinion M.A.S.H. BABIES was the worst cartoon that ever aired on American television. That said, the idea of sending my young child out into the night with the words “LIL’ HOTLIPS‘ emblazoned across her vinyl smock makes me ill. I’d also like to add that M.A.S.H. BABIES sounds more like a demand from the Marquis de Sade then an animated Saturday cartoon aimed at children.
AUNT J: You’re right, M.A.S.H. BABIES was released right around the same time as the MICHAEL JACKSON/ Pepsi commercial incineration debacle. Too many little girls were bombarded with snickering taunts of “Major Burns… hah!” Plus LORETTA SWIT never translated well as a youthful character.
8. Some old guy from ON GOLDEN POND
UNK: Is that grey area on the costume plush? I feel it may be plush. Anyway, is that mask supposed to represent the celebrated actor HENRY FONDA? He may have beat his children like they owed him a gambling debt on a daily basis, but he never wore his hair THAT long. (P.S. eBay seller, you’re welcome for Photoshoping the stains out of your carpet).
AUNT J: Correct me if I am wrong, but I think it’s a KATHARINE HEPBURN mask. Overall, I am not very FONDA this getup.
7. NORMA RAE from NORMA RAE
UNK: Any child wearing this will never have their demands met. I predict a treat bag filled with pennies and lint-covered, unwrapped Velemints.
AUNT J: Is that sign attached to the crotch? The whole purpose of Halloween is to collect free candy, not splinters south of the border! PASS!
6. Aurora Greenway from TERMS OF ENDEARMENT
UNK: I just threw up, not so much in my mouth, but all over the front of my KRASS BROTHERS suit. eBay person, are you really going to try to sell something this filthy? Nobody wants your old dumpster diving gear. This looks more like crime scene evidence than anything that should be worn in public. From this picture, I can glean that its wearer already received their first review when the neighborhood children pelted her with dog feces.
AUNT J: If I saw this one coming down the street, I would totally bolt the door and turn out all the lights! Where is the imagination? Couldn’t the child don a hospital gown, slap on some deathbed pancake make-up, and try to pull off the DEBRA WINGER look? This is too easy.
5. Vera from ALICE
UNK: I don’t hate this, at least not as much as I hate the character of “Vera”. It could work if you carried around a box of soda straws and pretended to spill them every couple of yards on your Halloween trek, and maybe bump into a light post or two. It needs a bit of work but it’s almost there.
AUNT J: To quote the opening theme from ALICE, “Kicking myself for nothing was my favorite sport.” This costume is neither a kick nor sporty. I’d much prefer to see Mel’s Mom (MARTHA RAYE) immortalized in a plastic costume.
4. Steve Burns (AL PACINO) from CRUISING
UNK: I thought I’d seen it all with the VILLAGE PEOPLE costume on RETROCRASH, but this is even more alarming to my small town sensibilities. Then again, black vinyl is notoriously slimming. Plus liquids roll right off of vinyl, be it water or lemon juice or urine.
AUNT J: Can we turn that costume around? Yikes! October is far too brisk a month to be sporting assless chaps about town.
3. Anne Romano from ONE DAY AT A TIME
UNK: I love this! I have ALWAYS enjoyed her work. That’s Twiki’s robotic girlfriend “Tina” from BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY right?
AUNT J: Striking a blow for womens’ rights and single moms everywhere in the late seventies, the Ann Romano costume was oft-mistaken for both Twiki and Lee Grant. Sad, really….
2. Walter from MAUDE
UNK: Why is there a picture of MAUDE on the chest of this costume? Even as a Halloween costume BILL MACY gets upstaged. God will get you for that BEA!
AUNT J: I read somewhere that BEA demanded that her visage be placed on the entire MAUDE Halloween costume collection. Regrettably, there was enough real estate on the bodice of ADRIENNE BARBEAU‘s to include two such images.
1. Cousin Jeri from THE FACTS OF LIFE
UNK: Ugh! This really rakes my nerves. Enough with THE FACTS OF LIFE! When will that show’s iron grip upon our culture loosen? I’ve taken the good, I’ve taken the bad and what do I have? MORE FACTS O’ LIFE! GERI JEWEL is the absolute last person that I wanted to see today. I actually made a mental note of that fact as I climbed out of bed this morning. Thumbs down, a real stinka-roo!
AUNT J: Ummm… NEWSFLASH Unkle…this costume didn’t come off of e-Bay! I wore this costume in the second and third grades. JERI JEWEL was a role model, not only to me, but also to other blossoming stand-up comediennes everywhere in the early ’80s. For reals, for reals! And by the way, this lil’ number garnered me “Best Box-Job Costume” in 1982 and 1983 at my elementary school.
UNK: As long as we’re being perfectly honest, I may have a M.A.S.H. BABIES costume lying around in a trunk in the castle somewhere (lil’ Father Mulcahy natch!) Maybe we do have Halloween outfits for this year’s festivities after all!