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Kinder-News:: Suck and Moan!

May 19th, 2010 · 2 Comments

Kinderpal and noted handsome cat JOEL BRYANT, star of the film BABY BLUES, has alerted us to a brand new web series that he’s got his paws in called SUCK AND MOAN (not to be confused with the film of the same name that Aunt John starred in to pay for his textbooks books back in college.)

SUCK AND MOAN (yay, that title should bring us a bunch of Google hits!) chronicles the misadventures of a group of vampires that find their food source dwindling when a zombie outbreak sweeps the globe. If we know our JOEL this series is going to be a hoot and a half and then another half, so really two hoots.

Ever spend hours and hours staring off into space trying to decide between watching a vampire flick or a zombie movie? Snap out of it and reclaim your life with the one stop shopping of SUCK AND MOAN!

Check out the trailer below (which guarantees vampires with zero sparkles) and then read more about the series on its official site HERE.

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Kinder-news:: Unk Interview At Strange Kids Club

April 9th, 2010 · 5 Comments

UNK SEZ:: Stop on over to the appropriately titled STRANGE KIDS CLUB for an interview with yours truly HERE! Stick around and check out the place too, it’s great fun. Big thanks to Rondal for the opportunity to spew my mind!

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Kinder-News :: BRIAN DE PALMA’s TOOTSIE 2: THE CURSE OF DOROTHY MICHAELS Heading Straight To DVD!

April 1st, 2010 · 7 Comments

Originally conceived as an Oscar hopeful BRIAN DE PALMA’s TOOTSIE 2: THE REVENGE OF DOROTHY MICHAELS, after several disastrous test screenings and a multitude of release date changes, is finally heading straight to DVD in early June. This is a giant step backward for a 200 million dollar production once poised to go head to head with JAMES CAMERON’s AVATAR in theaters. “The plug needs to be pulled on this abomination,” says an insider, “any money spent advertising this doorway into hell is going right down the toilet.”

TOOTSIE 2 has been a lightening rod for turmoil ever since its inception. The original script by JEFF BUHAI (REVENGE OF THE NERDS, EDDIE) was strong enough to lure the once resistant, high-priced talents of DUSTIN HOFFMAN and JESSICA LANGE to return to their roles. For reasons only known to DE PALMA that script was scrapped at the last minute in favor of an overhauled version by DAVID SELF (1999’s THE HAUNTING), which eliminated comedic elements in favor of direction that was more in line with a psychological thriller. LANGE unhappy with the new direction bowed out, her only official statement being, “There’s not enough money in the world,” and was replaced by frequent DE PALMA collaborator MELANIE GRIFFITH.

SELF’s script was eventually leaked onto the Internet and greeted with fan outrage. The story finds the popular character of Michael Dorsey decades after the events of the original TOOTSIE. Although the still-working actor has enjoyed a small amount of success on a prime time drama called “Higgon’s Point,” its cancellation has left him grief stricken. “It’s harder for actors of a certain age to find quality roles,” reveals HOFFMAN in an exclusive Kindertrauma all-access, on-set interview, “TOOTSIE 2 confronts that reality head on.” Learning in the local trades of a plum part in a Broadway production of IBSEN’s A DOLLS HOUSE, Dorsey auditions only to be rejected on sight. After a bit of sleuthing he learns from a stagehand that the role of “Nora” is only being offered to actors of the female persuasion. “That’s when the spirit of Dorothy begins to speak to me again,” confides HOFFMAN. “That’s how she gets inside my head!” (As if to illustrate, HOFFMAN bangs his head into a craft services table repeatedly.)

Suddenly every actress who is up for the role is being murdered by a shadowy trench coat wearing, flame-haired figure with a straight razor. Terror hits even closer to home when Michael’s wife Julie (GRIFFITH) reveals that she too has her eye on the part. Has Michael’s alter ego “Dorothy” returned to kill all who stand in his way? “I can’t tell you that!” says HOFFMAN, “but I can tell you that Dorothy is alive and well and living inside Michael, whether she’s a crazed, blood thirsty killer or just a friendly entity on hand to help solve the riddle is the film’s big mystery!” GRIFFITH is equally tight lipped. “I’m not in the end of the movie!” she says, “That much I remember.”

The roster of victims in TOOTSIE 2 reads like an Oscar Who’s Who: MARISA TOMEI, MIRA SORVINO, HALLE BERRY and HUNTs LINDA and HELEN all fall prey to the figure crew members have dubbed “the wig.” Word has it that TOMEI’s death is particularly gruesome. “BRIAN’s plan was to outdo HITCHCOCK,” says TOMEI chewing on what could either be a soft pretzel or a knish. “Only instead of a shower,” she continued, “he’d use a bidet. Although seen by a precious few, TOMEI’s bidet death has already garnered much attention, it is claimed that DE PALMA shot over four hundred hours of footage for the three minute scene. “Sometimes a director can fool the audience by killing off his biggest star right off the bat, the audience is like, ‘Wow, now who am I supposed to care about?’” TOMEI plops the last morsel of whatever it was she was eating (an Egg McMuffin?) and smiles mischievously, “I’m not allowed to tell you if that’s what happens in THE TOOTSIES (sic) but I will say that my fans better bring plenty of Kleenex!”

Ultimately no amount of high wattage star power seems likely to save TOOTSIE 2 from its straight to DVD fate. Five alternative endings were filmed and all were greeted with equal amounts of disdain from preview audiences. “I’ve never seen a film that doesn’t involve WILL FERRELL score this low,” said one insider. “I’d call it a train wreck but that would imply that it once had the power to function.” Somehow DE PALMA is able to stay optimistic, “We’ve still got a couple weeks to turn this decision around, Michael’s inner Dorothy wouldn’t let him give up and let me tell you my inner Dorothy, who I refer to simply as “Dot”, is equally willful. We’ haven’t even tried this thing in 3-D yet, that will be the true test!”

HOFFMAN who is a credited producer and is currently writing a comic book tie in that will fill in Dorothy’s “lost years” between the two films agrees. “As an actor you know when a character has outlived their welcome and I don’t see that ever happening with Dorothy. I’ve made sure that each and every ending we’ve filmed whether on the Earth or on the moon includes a shot of her hand coming up from the grave.” When asked what direction he sees the franchise going in the future Hoffman offers up this Kindertrauma exclusive. “I’m talking to JULIE ANDREWS right now about returning to the role of Victor from VICTOR VICTORIA, people have been asking me for years, who would win in a fight, Dorothy or Victor? If I have my way, we’re all going to find out!”

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Tags: Holidays · Kinder-News

The Trauma of Clash of the Titans

March 30th, 2010 · 14 Comments

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Tags: Kinder-News · Trauma-Shots

Robert Culp In Spectre!

March 25th, 2010 · 4 Comments

ROBERT CULP passed away yesterday at the age of 79. Although he gained notoriety for his work alongside BILL COSBY in I SPY, most of my generation may more fondly recall his presence in THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO where he partnered up with WILLIAM KATT (CARRIE, HOUSE). CULP also appeared in the classic HARLAN ELLISON penned episode of THE OUTER LIMITSThe Glass Hand” and the (kindertraumatic) television pilot SPECTRE. Produced by GENE RODDENBERRY, SPECTRE starred CULP as William Sebastion an occult detective who travels to England to uncover a satanic cult. Much as in the case of 1973’s THE NORLISS TAPES, SPECTRE left a lasting impression on those who caught it on television regardless of the fact that it failed to go to series. (Interestingly, in England, SPECTRE, with the help of a few added scenes of nudity, played theaters.)

HEADS UP: I’m not sure how long it will be there but currently you can catch SPECTRE on YouTube HERE. Why not honor this beloved actor’s passing by checking it out. Besides spying a young JOHN HURT (ALIEN), you’ll also notice that the relationship between CULP‘s Sebastian and GIG YOUNG’s Dr. Ham Hamilton not only tips a hat toward Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson, but paves some road for the future Mulder & Scully!

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Tags: Kinder-News · Telenasties

Monster-Mania Con 14

March 21st, 2010 · 11 Comments

Hey look it’s me, your Unkle Lancifer standing next to his hero TOM ATKINS star of such classics as THE FOG, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH and NIGHT OF THE CREEPS! Now, normally I’m a bit apprehensive about meeting my idols, I’m kind of scared that they’ll let me down in some way (plus, there’s the infamous LORI SINGER facial tick fiasco of ‘82 to consider) but in the case of MR. ATKINS, I just knew he was going to be as genuine and down to earth as he appears on screen and I was 100% correct.

To me, TOM ATKINS has always represented the unheralded coolness of the unpretentious everyman. In his finest roles he’s down on his luck, in the wrong place at the wrong time yet perfectly willing to step up to the plate and save the day. He’s the hero risking his life intuitively with zero interest in compensation or recognition for his efforts. I can’t say that I’ve ever fully understood the ritual of hand shaking until I met this guy; after growing up with his films and learning to appreciate them further still as an adult, it was just a genuine honor to shake his hand. I met MR. ATKINS at the Monstermania convention in Jersey last Saturday and even though he was my main inspiration for traipsing out during a near hurricane, he was to be the first of several exceptional folks that I was lucky enough to hobnob with.

So I’m sitting at the hotel bar with Aunt John drinking a beer (as designated driver A.J. is responsibly drinking cola) and who should plop right down next to me and order lunch but NEIL AFFLECK “Axel” from MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981)! Now, if you’ve seen the film you know Axel is the guy doing the killing, so I’m basically sitting next to Harry Warden himself! Don’t worry, I let him eat his lunch in peace but before it arrived I talked his ear off. He told me how much he loved the town they filmed the movie in; that he thought the remake was good; that his daughter has now seen both versions and even about the time his car broke down in a Texas snow storm. NEIL now works in animation and has directed episodes of FAMILY GUY and THE SIMPSONS. He’s a super modest, salt of the earth type of guy and a joy to talk to. He was really happy that the remake had brought new attention to the classic film but I informed him that there were many of us who were already crazy about M.B.V. I stopped just short of confessing that the release of the uncut DVD was kinda sorta the high point of my existence on account of I didn’t want him to think (know) that I was a weirdo.

Now hours later I’m up at the bar again ordering another beer (don’t judge) and a coke for A.J. and this handsome cat is standing next to me and it’s STEVE MARSHALL from NIGHT OF THE CREEPS!!! (I swear Aunt John, he said hi to me first!) I told him how much I dug the extras on the recent DVD and how I noticed the obvious camaraderie between he and fellow stars JASON LIVELY and JILL WHITLOW. He said that they really are all best friends and that he and JASON love to tease JILL. In fact he revealed that while on a recent pit-stop into Philly for cheesesteaks they were able to convince her that all of the horses pulling carriages in the city were mechanical robots built by Walt Disney. (Sorry, JILL but that one is too good not to repeat!) Anyway STEVE was a blast to talk to and very funny, so much so that when I left him at the bar I totally forgot to grab the coke I ordered for Aunt John…oops.

Now, you’d think that would be enough to institute a red letter day but there’s more. The truth is Aunt John and I knew we were going to be in good company for the festivities because we were meeting our pals TENEBROUS KATE & BARON from LOVE TRAIN FOR THE TENEBROUS EMPIRE (it will make you diabetic if I tell you how we feel about those two, so I’ll skip it.) There we all were laughing it up when I spy JOHNNY BOOTS the overlord of FREDDY IN SPACE who I recognize immediately from his Horror Blips avatar. He tells us he’s there to meet GEOF from the swell blog ENTER THE MAN CAVE. Hey, we know GEOF, he’s a past traumafessor!

Soon we’re all gathered round the table swapping stories about the convention and forging a makeshift legion of doom. It was gratifying to be around fellow bloggers that I admire and to see everybody’s die hard enthusiasm shining through. I have to thank that impromptu group for helping me reestablish why I enjoy blogging so much in the first place, nobody was there to compete or debate it was all about basking in our collective horror fanaticism. Even with our widely divergent tastes, we were all there for one thing and one thing only, the love of the genre.

I know there are those who question the validity of blogging in general, (who are these blogging people and why should I care what they think?) They might even try to pull rank and suggest that blogs are inferior to flashy websites or ye olde printed page but I say they’re just kicking up dust. All I know is that when I was growing up I had exactly ONE other friend who felt the same way I did about horror movies, ONE other friend who read FANGORIA and stayed up late to watch anything that even remotely resembled a horror film, ONE other person who knew what the hell I was talking about. Now I talk to countless people every week about horror movies and we at kindertrauma get emails from all over the world. Blogging allows a two way street paved on an even playing field that other mediums and means of communication can only envy. As E.M. FORSTER once twittered “Only connect.” So here is a picture of me and TOM ATKINS, where once I only had only ONE person to share it with, I now thankfully have all of you.

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In Memoriam: Peter Graves 1926-2010

March 15th, 2010 · 8 Comments

UNK SEZ: For more on PETER GRAVES, please check out the can’t be improved upon sentiments expressed over at HEART IN A JAR and JOHN KENNETH MUIR’S REFLECTIONS ON FILM/TV.

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R.I.P. Corey Haim

March 10th, 2010 · 6 Comments

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Horrifying Oscar Predictions!

March 2nd, 2010 · 7 Comments

Horror knows best and scary always wins. It is one’s commitment to the horror genre, not sparkle motion, which ensures success. Using voodoo, tea leaves, a soggy box filled with ancient VHS tapes and a dusty magic eight ball, we have predicted the winners of this years Oscars race with bloody, pin point accuracy. Ask yourselves, have we ever been wrong before? (I mean, besides that time way back in early February when we predicted DANIELLE HARRIS was going to be nominated?)

BEST PICTURE: HURT LOCKER

Because it stars that guy who starred in DAHMER (JEREMY RENNER)

BEST DIRECTOR: KATHRYN BIGELOW

On account of she directed NEAR DARK

BEST ACTOR: JEFF BRIDGES (CRAZY HEART)

This one is easy, JEFF BRIDGES was in STARMAN and although not a horror a film, it was directed by JOHN CARPENTER.

BEST ACTRESS: SANDRA BULLOCK (THE BLIND SIDE)

No she hasn’t really been in a horror film but she was in the thriller MURDER BY NUMBERS. I know what you’re thinking “but MERYL STREEP was in the better thriller STILL OF THE NIGHT!” True, true but SANDY B. was in 28 DAYS (the prequel to 28 DAYS LATER) and her co-star in that movie was VIGGO MORTENSEN who not only starred in PRISON, but LEATHERFACE too! So obviously this is going to be BULLOCK’s night!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: WOODY HARRELSON (THE MESSENGER)

One word ZOMBIELAND

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: MO’NIQUE

Yes, I know VERA FARMIGA was Esther’s mom in ORPHAN, but just check out MO’NIQUE in PRECIOUS BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY OH MY GOD IS THIS STILL THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE? She’s a true TRAUMA-MOMMA who can work a staircase better than Michael Myers! Besides, I know better than to say no to MO.

Not that you care but BEST COSTUME DESIGN is going to THE YOUNG VICTORIA and not because anyone worked hard or is a talented designer but because it stars THE WOLFMAN’s girlfriend EMILYWIND CHILLBLUNT!

Bet your life savings on all of the above my friend. This is exactly how it’s going down, that is unless AVATAR sweeps on account of JAMES CAMERON directed ALIENS….

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Andrew Koenig vs. The Fog

February 26th, 2010 · 9 Comments

How sad the news about the suicide of actor ANDREW KOENIG (and so soon after the suicide of fashion designer ALEXANDER McQUEEN, who one would think had everything.) ANDREW was the son of WALTER KOENING (STAR TREK’s Chekov) and many of us grew up knowing him as Mike’s pal “Boner” on GROWING PAINS. By the way, I’ve already noticed some people on line are jumping at the chance to make jokes about this man’s death and it really makes my stomach turn. Maybe the world really is as ugly as ANDREW must have imagined. Wait, I shouldn’t say that, the world isn’t ugly at all, it’s people who sometimes are.

I just want to say to any readers out there of any age who might be finding themselves thinking about suicide, to stop putting energy into that thought RIGHT NOW. I know things can seem bleak at some points in our lives and if you’re dealing with depression, as KOENIG obviously was, it can appear downright impossible. I’m not trying to Wilson Phillips you here but things will change.

Because I can only view the universe through the goggles of the horror genre, let me use THE FOG as an analogy for the times that darkness and despair enters our lives. I am of course referring to JOHN CARPENTER’s classic and not the indefensible remake. (Chin up, RUPERT WAINWRIGHT, I was perfectly courteous toward STIGMATA.) When the fog rolls in uninvited it not only allows worm-faced ghost zombies to knock on our doors but it literally clouds our vision. The everyday things we find comfort in disappear from view. The thing that is imperative to remember is that the fog does indeed roll out of town. It may seem like the world will never go back to normal, but indeed it will. You need to find the nearest lighthouse, climb up on top and wait it out like Stevie Wayne. Don’t be afraid to give one of those ghouls a good whack with their own hook either. You might find your plight lasting longer than the one night of horror suffered the citizens of Antonio Bay but trust me, the ghastlies will at some point exhaust themselves and disperse.

Folks will tell you to seek help from friends and loved ones but most likely, if you’re feeling this way, you’ve already found little solace in that area. My advice is loose yourself or hideout in the arts until the coast is clear. I don’t care if it’s reading, writing, painting, listening to music, playing video games or (the most effective cure all) watching movies. These things will never let you down and they will always be there for you when you need them. It would be irresponsible for me not to also say that professional help is a Google away and that you just might have some bad chemicals doing the Macarena in your brain but in my opinion, they have yet to invent a pill as powerful as art.

Listen I know, as a teenager I remember thinking about telling life “You can’t fire me, I quit!” on several occasions but I’m so glad now that I kept passing those open windows. (There’s a good book to read, THE HOTEL NEW HAMPSHIRE.) If I had bit the big one I would have missed MORRISSEY’s solo career, seven seasons of BUFFY, the re-imaging of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, GOD OF WAR on PS2, HALLOWEEN H20, THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF KAVALIER & CLAY, THE GOON, Kindertrauma.com and oh hells no… MY BLOODY VALENTINE in 3-D!?! Plus a zillion other great things including five cats and Aunt John (I’m sorry I can’t guarantee an Aunt John for everyone who sticks this ride out, I wish I could.)

The point is, things change at the drop of a dime; things won’t always look the way they do now. I know life can seem like an actual horror movie sometimes but maybe if you hang on tight like Stevie, you’ll never have to endure a sequel to what’s currently rocking your boat. Take care of yourself kids, regardless of what you may have heard, every life is equally important and whatever you do, watch out for the fog!

“I don’t know what happened to Antonio Bay tonight. Something came out of the fog and tried to destroy us. In one moment, it vanished. But if this has been anything but a nightmare, and if we don’t wake up to find ourselves safe in our beds, it could come again. To the ships at sea who can hear my voice, look across the water, into the darkness. Look for the fog.”

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Tags: Kinder-Editorial · Kinder-News