In 1982 audiences across the globe cried like big babies because they didn’t get their Michael Myers rattle in HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH. Talk about pearls before swine, a critical and commercial failure, H3, or as I like to call it “The non-stop genius show” was considered the redheaded step child, black sheep, blighted pimple of the HALLOWEEN franchise for years. When H3 walked down the streets of town, spinsters called it a floozy and spit on its shoes. Thankfully one day everyone everywhere decided to stop smoking crack and woke up to the obvious slice of perfection before them and declared HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH the greatest robot-infested, killer mask thriller that involves a stolen rock from Stonehenge that TOM ATKINS has ever starred in and an unmitigated holiday classic for all eternity. Nice job catching up dum-dums!
HALLOWEEN 3 knows how great it is, but it’s not stuck up like some other sequels (get over yourselves TROLL 2 and LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE!) The reason it works as well as it does may be because it is respectful enough to honor many of the holiday classics that came before it, particularly the untouchable RANKIN AND BASS cannon. Hear me now and believe me never, I’ve compiled the evidence and I almost know what I’m talking about. Below are some instances of suspicious overlapping that will make even the most credulous among you go hmmm, like you’re at a C+C MUSIC FACTORY concert…
EVIL OLD BASTARDS!
Be it Conal Cochran or Burgermeister Meisterburger, one thing’s for sure, old rich white dudes with nothing but time on their hands want to rain on your parade. These guys hate holidays of all kinds because they promote joy and laziness amongst the masses.
SUFFER THE CHILDREN!
Our world’s innocent children are always the targets in these nefarious schemes! I’m not sure what is worse, taking a child’s toy away from them or making their head explode into a seething mass of snakes and vermin by way of vague witchery that incorporates Halloween masks, television signals and stone shavings from Stonehenge, but both sound like they would be about as appealing to a kid as a McDonald’s Salad Shaker.
CAPITALSM: A LOVE STORY
Putting aside children’s general unhappiness and/or mass annihilation, just think of what the absence of holidays would do to our struggling economy! Granted if Cochran’s plan were to come to pass, insecticides and snake trap sales would go through the roof, but only at the expense of the bankruptcy of Ferra Pan.
TOWNSPEOPLE ARE PARANOID AND NOSY!
In some cases they are fearful of strangers wearing bright red outfits and in other cases they are rightfully curious about what’s going on in that motel room between that old guy and that young chippy that could be his daughter.
NEVER TOO BUSY FOR HITTIN’ BOOTS
Everyone with awe inspiring facial hair knows that when the going gets tough, the tough get busy and by busy I mean, (insert gross sexual euphemism of your choice here) wink-wink, nudge-nudge or as the audience on FAMILY MATTERS says “Woooooooooo!”
With the possible exceptions of Hitler and RACHAEL RAY, most obvious embodiments of evil have a hard time finding gullible yes men to do their bidding. Enter robots; robots do what you tell them to do and you never have to thank them or worry about unionization.
THE HERO IS CAPTURED!
Well, at least one of these guys gets to watch the original HALLOWEEN during entrapment.
A talking Easter bonnet or a booby-trapped Halloween mask; who’s to say which is more foul and diabolical?
BRAIN NUMBING TUNES!
What better way to get an audience to remember you than cramming a torturously repetitive song into their heads?
STILL NOT CONVINCED?
Neither am I, so here’s a shot of Mrs. Claus with her face blasted by a laser beam and a bug crawling out of her mouth!