In 1982 audiences across the globe cried like big babies because they didnâ€™t get their Michael Myers rattle in HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH. Talk about pearls before swine, a critical and commercial failure, H3, or as I like to call it â€œThe non-stop genius showâ€ was considered the redheaded step child, black sheep, blighted pimple of the HALLOWEEN franchise for years. When H3 walked down the streets of town, spinsters called it a floozy and spit on its shoes. Thankfully one day everyone everywhere decided to stop smoking crack and woke up to the obvious slice of perfection before them and declared HALLOWEEN 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH the greatest robot-infested, killer mask thriller that involves a stolen rock from Stonehenge that TOM ATKINS has ever starred in and an unmitigated holiday classic for all eternity. Nice job catching up dum-dums!
HALLOWEEN 3 knows how great it is, but itâ€™s not stuck up like some other sequels (get over yourselves TROLL 2 and LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE!) The reason it works as well as it does may be because it is respectful enough to honor many of the holiday classics that came before it, particularly the untouchable RANKIN AND BASS cannon. Hear me now and believe me never, Iâ€™ve compiled the evidence and I almost know what Iâ€™m talking about. Below are some instances of suspicious overlapping that will make even the most credulous among you go hmmm, like youâ€™re at a C+C MUSIC FACTORY concertâ€¦
EVIL OLD BASTARDS!
Be it Conal Cochran or Burgermeister Meisterburger, one thing’s for sure, old rich white dudes with nothing but time on their hands want to rain on your parade. These guys hate holidays of all kinds because they promote joy and laziness amongst the masses.
SUFFER THE CHILDREN!
Our worldâ€™s innocent children are always the targets in these nefarious schemes! Iâ€™m not sure what is worse, taking a childâ€™s toy away from them or making their head explode into a seething mass of snakes and vermin by way of vague witchery that incorporates Halloween masks, television signals and stone shavings from Stonehenge, but both sound like they would be about as appealing to a kid as a McDonald’s Salad Shaker.
CAPITALSM: A LOVE STORY
Putting aside childrenâ€™s general unhappiness and/or mass annihilation, just think of what the absence of holidays would do to our struggling economy! Granted if Cochranâ€™s plan were to come to pass, insecticides and snake trap sales would go through the roof, but only at the expense of the bankruptcy of Ferra Pan.
TOWNSPEOPLE ARE PARANOID AND NOSY!
In some cases they are fearful of strangers wearing bright red outfits and in other cases they are rightfully curious about whatâ€™s going on in that motel room between that old guy and that young chippy that could be his daughter.
NEVER TOO BUSY FOR HITTINâ€™ BOOTS
Everyone with awe inspiring facial hair knows that when the going gets tough, the tough get busy and by busy I mean, (insert gross sexual euphemism of your choice here) wink-wink, nudge-nudge or as the audience on FAMILY MATTERS says â€œWoooooooooo!â€
With the possible exceptions of Hitler and RACHAEL RAY, most obvious embodiments of evil have a hard time finding gullible yes men to do their bidding. Enter robots; robots do what you tell them to do and you never have to thank them or worry about unionization.
THE HERO IS CAPTURED!
Well, at least one of these guys gets to watch the original HALLOWEEN during entrapment.
A talking Easter bonnet or a booby-trapped Halloween mask; whoâ€™s to say which is more foul and diabolical?
BRAIN NUMBING TUNES!
What better way to get an audience to remember you than cramming a torturously repetitive song into their heads?
STILL NOT CONVINCED?
Neither am I, so hereâ€™s a shot of Mrs. Claus with her face blasted by a laser beam and a bug crawling out of her mouth!
This is just awesome! As usual, Unk, you crack me up! This reminds me that Halloween III is how I found Kindertrauma in the first place. There was a link on imdb.com for the piece on the mask recall. I followed the link here, and I’ve been hooked since then. Also, my very first traumafession was about a Rankin Bass Christmas special.
Sweet! You really did state your case there, Unk. Or you just threw a lot of stuff together and hoped for the best.
Well, the best is what we got. Fun stuff!
This post is genius, Unk – just like the movie itself!
Now THAT is what I’m talkin’ ’bout, Unk! Â I’d never thought to analyze this cinematic work against the backdrop of Rankin and Bass specials, but I think you’re on to something. Â I’d gotten to page four-hundred-and-thirty-eight of my thesis comparing elements of “Halloween III” to better-known passages in The Niebelungenlied, but ultimately abandoned the project to focus on a deconstruction of the text on the model of Russian fairy tales of the Seventeenth Century. Â Fascinating stuff!
The most twistedly brilliant thing I have seen in some time. Bless you! (Now go get some therapy 🙂 )
Brilliant analysis! Your metaphors border on genius. “When H3 walked down the streets of town, spinsters called it a floozy and spit on its shoes”… economical, funny, and dead-on. Couldn’t have been said better.
I adore this. Yay! But now I will have the Silver Shamrock jingle running through my head all day. Boo! And, yes, I wish Tom Akins was my daddy. But you probably expected me to say that, didn’t you? Sigh.
AnotherÂ brilliant post! (Even if I still detest this film with all my heart and soul ~ LOL!)
The word’s been used already, Unk, and it’s true: This is brilliance. If you ever need a thesis for a master’s degree or something, I think you’ve found it.
I actually remember reading the book of the H3 movie before I saw the film (probably cuz I was too young to get in the theatre). I remember thinking, there’s no way they’re gonna show a kid get killed via a metling, snake/bug-birthing pumpkin mask. Little did I know…
“You wouldn’t believe how we did it.” Worst explanation in movie history.
“But where do you want to sleep, Dr. Challis?” Most ridiculous out-of-nowhere come-on in movie history.
Pitch the mask up and over the camera without lifting your arm from the chair, take a drink. Worst drinking game in movie history.
If nothing else, it’s historical.
As if I needed any more reasons to champion Kindertrauma, you go and post about Halloween 3.Â Anybody who praises the best Halloween film (yes, I’m gonna go there. Part 1 comes in second) is instantly has an entire page dedicated to them in my cool book.
I salute you, Unk!
Hey Vince Liaguno, just wanted to let you know that Myers films suck and this film rules!
You, my friend are HIGH like a KENNEDY. Which is the only way to be to appreciate this neo-surrealist masterpiece!