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Happy Father’s Day

June 15th, 2008 by unkle lancifer · 8 Comments

Trauma-daddies have their work cut out for them keeping up with the dastardly doings of the horror world’s Trauma-mommas. But let’s face it folks, not counting a couple stellar stand outs who really put their nose to the grind stone, dads in horror films are traditionally an absentee lot. Still upset that your dad missed your big baseball game? Well Jason Voorhees‘ dad could never find the time to show up for any of his son’s killing sprees. We’re talking double-digit sequels and never so much as a peep from that guy! Faced with a skeleton crew of nominees, we here at Kindertrauma decided to bag the whole countdown presentation that the Trauma-mommas received. We decided that instead of stamping the pops in broad terms like “good” and “bad” or placing them in order of popularity, we would instead focus on the behavior of some of our own personal favorite horror fathers and judge their actions, rather than the person as a whole. Any new fathers out there would do well learning from the actions of the daddies on our list, both positive and negative. Remember dads, your conduct may be the deciding factor on how ugly the next tie you receive as a Father’s Day gift is!

Covert basement rage explosions are not only fine, but also a traditional fatherly past time. Wasting a perfectly good out door barbecue stewing over how not perfect the perfect JILL SCHOELEN is? Bad idea, grab a hot dog and lighten up!

It may not look so hot to the neighbor’s prying eyes but disposing of your children’s evil doppelgangers is always advisable.

BETTE DAVIS as an aunt-in-law is not something I would wish upon Hitler, but still there is no excuse for attempting to drown your son in the swimming pool.

Not beating the living daylights out of the son who inexplicably stood on the dining room table and urinated on the dinner you were about to consume? Gandhi could take lessons from this guy!

Right smack on the opposite end of the spectrum from the TROLL 2 dad is this guy. Beating the crap out of your kids and blaming them for demonic graffiti they did not have a hand in thwarts their creativity. If these kids’ brains were not blown away shortly thereafter, they would have ended up accountants!

Reacting to the idea that your daughter is throwing a party whose invitees consist of all the people she just murdered with a look of disappointment rather than sheer terror and nausea is impressive. Way to hold it together dad!

Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know your entire God-fearing clan has just been slaughtered, but it’s never cool to denounce the Lord! You’ve read the Bible, so you already knew how the big guy pays back the less than devout!

It’s a good thing to call home and make sure your kid’s brains are not being chewed apart by bugs thanks to evil Halloween masks every once in a while, even if it means talking to your naggy ex!

Leaving your young son alone with your bat-shit crazy, pretending to be mute Santa-hating father? Not cool. Although I guess if you think about it, this dusty loon was right about Santa!

Kindertrauma is a critter friendly site that does not endorse the execution of animals that is, unless of course, they are demonic dogs that have turned you entire family against you.

Way to deliver the evil dads AMITYVILLE series, that’s why you rock! (Besides the already mentioned part 2, JAMES BROLIN‘s behavior in the original is less than stellar too). Now where was I? Oh yeah, coming back from the dead to throw your kid in the fireplace? No, don’t do that.

Not allowing your adult spinster daughter a monkey pet is one thing, but faking the need for a wheelchair in order to keep her waiting on you hand and foot and killing her only beau is just plain mean!

Protecting your family from JACK PALANCE invasions is honorable and super brave. Good going Capt. H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock!

Please do not get seduced by the babysitter. Even if you are married to PATTY DUKE!


Dying while attempting to kill the skeleton of the molester you burned alive years ago deserves mucho props!

Usually tequila is the answer to everything, but not when there is a giant demonic worm that will possess you at the bottom of the bottle! Let go and let God!

Keeping family traditions alive? That’s good!

Eventually the time comes when you must let your children go, hopefully it’s before you become a stark raving mad zombie in a rubber room.

Sharing your love with an adopted child is a beautiful thing. What could go wrong?

Repeat after me: “This is not my dead kid.”

Tags: Holidays · Trauma-Daddies

8 responses so far ↓

  • 1 IrvingWallaceNo Gravatar // Jun 15, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    Nice List Guys! F*** yeah!

  • 2 mrcanacornNo Gravatar // Jun 16, 2008 at 8:53 am

    Hooray for Dr. Dan!! You gotta’ love a man that checks into a hotel with nothing but a six pack of beer and the hot chick from Going Ape!

  • 3 VicarOfVHSNo Gravatar // Jun 16, 2008 at 10:35 am

    Oh, the Amityville 2 dad (Burt Young!) is one of the worst. I love that movie. Every sweaty, incestuous, dysfunctional frame.

    One somewhat obscure one I would add to the list is Jeffrey Combs in Castle Freak. Alcoholic whose drunk driving blinded their daughter, he’s married to Barbara Crampton but STILL brings an Italian hooker to the castle for a midnight romp. However, he does sacrifice himself to save his daughter and wife, so maybe there is redemption.

  • 4 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Jun 16, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    What a great list! Thanks so much for remembering to put the Crazy Grampa from SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT and his two faces! I love that guy!Even though that movie is more Camp than Legitimate Horror his scene where he pops out of his comatose state just long enough to scare the crap out of Billy is one of my All Time Favorite Horror Movie Moments!

  • 5 mamamiasweetpeachesNo Gravatar // Jun 16, 2008 at 5:22 pm

    This is not an oldie, but it IS a goodie: FRAILTY? The Dad in that trys to get his two young sons to help him “do God’s work” and kill “sinners”! I rented this blindly thinking it would suck and was on the edge of my seat the whole film – really creepy ! 

  • 6 Fred C. DobbsNo Gravatar // Jun 19, 2008 at 1:55 am

    You forgot the crazy, psycho dad from “Three On A Meathook”! Clips from these ‘bad daddy’ films can be seen in this cool series over on the Tubes 🙂

  • 7 Amanda By NightNo Gravatar // Sep 4, 2008 at 1:59 pm

    This is an AWESOME list. Truly!

    Terry O’Quinn takes the cake, with the grandfather from Silent Night trailing closely behind. I just love that old coot. The part where he pretends to be catanoic when the family comes back for Billy is, like, so the best thing ever in a movie. EVER.
    Oliver Reed and Burt Young = YIKES!

  • 8 Amanda By NightNo Gravatar // Sep 4, 2008 at 1:59 pm

    btw, I agree with the person who added Jeffrey Combs in Castle Freak, although he walks a very thin line of good and bad, which is what made it such an amazing character. Yeah, Castle Freak RULES!

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