I’d been on the waiting list at my local library for Hayden Panettiere’s memoir “This is Me” for what felt like the entire summer. Finally, I got the email notice saying my hold was ready for pick up and I happily spent last weekend devouring the book. I was rather taken aback by how relatable Hayden seemed. She cared very deeply for animals, understood the obvious magic power of trees, had a soft spot for dissociation via questionable substances, and had a less than ideal upbringing thanks to wonky (to put it kindly) parenting. Her life was filled with just as many swampy pitfalls as zeniths but she seemed to have figured out a way to balance her internal steering mechanism and she appeared to look forward to leaving her past behind while optimistically marching toward the endless potential of her future. Then about three hours after I finished her book, while feeling all kinds of inspired myself, the perpetual buzz-kill internet informed me that sparkly, super-talented, kind-spirited Hayden had died. Surreal. This might sound ironic coming from a devout horror fan, but if there’s one thing I can’t get a grip on it’s this mortality business. It pisses me off. Also, I’m really tired of death showing up right when someone has seemingly made peace with their demons and is forging a healthier path. I’ve witnessed this happen to a couple friends and it’s nothing less than infuriating.
Hayden was a tad (cough) younger than me so I didn’t exactly grow up alongside her the way those in her own generation did. She first appeared on my radar during that excellent first season of HEROES and I basically perceived her much like her onscreen character and just assumed she was a pretty all American cheerleader type (little did I know she was already at this point a commercial & soap opera veteran, experienced voice artist and an accomplished singer). The ground zero for my nuclear level respect and affection for her was of course her portrayal of Kirby Reed in SCREAM 4 (2011). Kirby was anything but your garden variety slasher teen. She was a sly, whip smart, Tomboy-type who took zero flack and seemed to command every space she occupied. She didn’t act like an annoying know-it-all even though one might reasonably suspect that she secretly did. Hayden’s talent was such that she brought Kirby fully to life as a distinct entity that could not be confused with any of her previous performances (I should also mention she leaves a similarly strong impression in the video game UNTIL DAWN). According to her her book, Hayden had secured a no-kill contract for SCREAM 4, meaning Kirby’s demise was always meant to be questionable and ambiguous. She was in fact, slated to return in part 5 provided 4 was a financial success. Unfortunately, SCREAM 4’s under-performance scrapped such plans and it seemed the beloved character would be left behind after all. Instead, Kirby’s legend and popularity only grew stronger over the years and after taking a break from the franchise’s fifth installment (besides a fan baiting Easter egg), she made a triumphant and well received return in part 6. Who knows where this extraordinary character could have gone next (I was dreaming of a spin off TV series entitled THE KIRBY REED FILES).
Naturally, like many, I’m absolutely broken hearted and I know I’m supposed to send my condolences to her friends and family but that’s not going to happen because they needed to do sooo much better than they did. Screw her dad for normalizing domestic abuse in their home and to hell with her mother for exploiting (and being so clearly jealous of) her own much more talented child. While I’m at it, allow me to shade her disloyal ex-fiance (what’s the point of being a six foot six ex-boxer if you fail to beat the crap out of your daughter’s mother’s bully?) and may her on-again, off-again sub-mental clod of an abusive “boyfriend” be shoved on a catapult and hurled toward the sun. Furthermore, allow me to curse all who work for Nuetrogena (the company that threw H under the bus for speaking about postpartum depression) to be struck by acne, diarrhea and lightning (in that order). Sadly, considering their track records, I doubt many of the miscreants mentioned will suffer even a moment of self reflection. Not to be over dramatic, but I can’t help thinking this tragedy epitomizes everything wrong in the world today with one generation grossly failing to protect its offspring and the most vile amongst us never having to take accountability for their actions. As always, the brightest lights attract the most monstrous of insects and the purely empathetic are magnets to the grimiest malignant narcissists. Am I being too harsh? I know there’s several stages of grief but I’ve set up camp in the anger stage and am not going to budge for a while. Rest in Peace Hayden, and Happy Birthday. My only solace is that you’re safe from any future pain. You will always be a true hero (especially to horror fans and appreciative marine life) and you certainly didn’t deserve to be surrounded by so many mask-wearing villains both on and off screen.
Such a devastating loss, but I felt such comfort in reading this, thank you so much for writing it.