Hello children, Aunt John here with another one of my sure-fire entertaining tips. Normally, when one thinks of a birthday party, certain elements come to mind: balloons, streamers, ice cream cake, pony rides, presents, and even a birthday boy or girl. While all of these are normally involved, I’m here to tell you to start thinking outside of the birthday gift box. You see, as a hostess renowned for nothing but the most lavish and memorable of shing-digs, your Aunt John learned everything there is to know about party throwing from the 1973 classic THE BABY.
Honestly, it doesn’t take too much to be a hostess with the mostest, simply follow these ten easy steps:
1. Parties should only be thrown as a cover for taking out your detractors. For example, say you are raising an adult child suffering from irreversible infantilism, and there is a pert-breasted social worker with ulterior motives nipping at your heels, invite her to a party at your house.
2. Go through the usual motions: blow up some balloons, throw some streamers about, stock up the bar, and bake a cake (or to save time, buy a day-old one on the discount rack at your local supermarket). Make your home looks super festive so the target thinks she’s at just another birthday party.
3. Get your creepiest male friend (he really needs to wear a fringed suede jacket) to hit on the target. If anything, this will make her extremely uncomfortable and start the necessary pattern of distraction.
4. As hostess, it’s incumbent upon you to look your best and surround yourself with the hottest men in the room. Might I suggest donning an animal print metallic tunic, and surrounding yourself with poor-man equivalents of LESLIE NEILSEN and The Big Ragoo. Make sure the target sees how sexy you look.
5. Get one your improbably good-looking daughters to engage the social worker in a friendly game of darts. Thanks to the target's competitive nature this friendly game will keep her eyes off her glass of punch. For added distraction, feel free to hire a TOM BOSLEY impersonator to cheer from the davenpaort.
6. Make yourself the center of attention -- you are the hostess after all -- by luring the LESLIE NEILSEN look-a-like in the pleather coat to the dance floor. Don’t be afraid to bust the forbidden, dare I say Lambada style, dance moves!
7. Motion to your other, could-be-hot-but-has-the-weirdest-hair-ever, daughter to spike and switch out the target’s glass of punch.
8. Wait for the target to imbibe her freshly laced drink.
9. When the sedative kicks in, quickly escort her from the party, under the guise that you will put her to bed. Take her to the basement and hog-tie her. She will be dealt with later.
10. Head back to the party and get your drink on... you are the hostess after all!
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